Husband wants to dictate what happens with property I’m set to inherit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

Advice from a qualified real estate or estates and trusts attorney trumps what your husband "believes". Consult an attorney and if necessary, after you have consulted the attorney and decided how YOU want to handle YOUR inheritance, you may decide to ask the attorney to explain to you and your husband in a joint meeting how things will be structured.

Generally inheritances are separate property (i.e. property only of the inheritor) unless something is done during the marriage to change the status of the separate property, i.e. using marital income for upkeep and taxes.

Personally, I would consult an estates and trusts attorney. There may be a way to title the property or place the ownership or the property and some maintenance money in trust so that all three of you can use the property but are also shielded from some of the liability potentially created by the less responsible brother. But, of course, this would need to be done as part of your Dad's estate planning while he is still competent enough to make decisions.

OP here— thank you, this is good advice. I was not sure what kind of attorney to consult.

My dad is adamant that he is leaving the property to all three of us. I don’t know why— just weird family dynamics.

So for me the choice seems to be left out of it or to “accept” the inheritance but have some kind of legal protections set up. We can’t rent it— it’s in a private community that doesn’t allow rentals.

As for why my husband doesn’t want it— he has probably spent a total of 12 hours at this cabin in the 25 years we’ve been married. He hates going there, hates spending time with my family. He’s met my dysfunctional sibling twice. He is not a supportive husband when it comes to my family. He has not made an effort to get to know any of them. I once found out that my grandmother had nicknamed my husband “the ghost” because no one ever saw him. He left my sister’s wedding reception early because there was an important football game he wanted to attend. So I am having trouble separating my resentment over his non-effort with my family from the very rational and sensible arguments and reasons why owning this place might not be in my best interest. It feels like one more thing he doesn’t want to be involved in. But he makes sure we have plenty of money set aside for all the things he cares about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the cabin, ditch the husband.

+1

+10000 this will only get worse from here. Do NOT have children with this man. Red flags everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

Advice from a qualified real estate or estates and trusts attorney trumps what your husband "believes". Consult an attorney and if necessary, after you have consulted the attorney and decided how YOU want to handle YOUR inheritance, you may decide to ask the attorney to explain to you and your husband in a joint meeting how things will be structured.

Generally inheritances are separate property (i.e. property only of the inheritor) unless something is done during the marriage to change the status of the separate property, i.e. using marital income for upkeep and taxes.

Personally, I would consult an estates and trusts attorney. There may be a way to title the property or place the ownership or the property and some maintenance money in trust so that all three of you can use the property but are also shielded from some of the liability potentially created by the less responsible brother. But, of course, this would need to be done as part of your Dad's estate planning while he is still competent enough to make decisions.

OP here— thank you, this is good advice. I was not sure what kind of attorney to consult.

My dad is adamant that he is leaving the property to all three of us. I don’t know why— just weird family dynamics.

So for me the choice seems to be left out of it or to “accept” the inheritance but have some kind of legal protections set up. We can’t rent it— it’s in a private community that doesn’t allow rentals.

As for why my husband doesn’t want it— he has probably spent a total of 12 hours at this cabin in the 25 years we’ve been married. He hates going there, hates spending time with my family. He’s met my dysfunctional sibling twice. He is not a supportive husband when it comes to my family. He has not made an effort to get to know any of them. I once found out that my grandmother had nicknamed my husband “the ghost” because no one ever saw him. He left my sister’s wedding reception early because there was an important football game he wanted to attend. So I am having trouble separating my resentment over his non-effort with my family from the very rational and sensible arguments and reasons why owning this place might not be in my best interest. It feels like one more thing he doesn’t want to be involved in. But he makes sure we have plenty of money set aside for all the things he cares about.

You've definitely got a husband issue.

Bu that's really separate from the potential inheritance issue. I urge you to think about that dispassionately, because it's setting you up for a bad situation. And your father is not doing you any favors. It sems pretty apparent to me that he is leaving it to all three of you to force you and your other sibling to cover the costs for Bouncer Brother. That's crappy. Does he know that he may imperil the family ownership if he does that?

[Anonymous]

I’m the TEAM HUSBAND poster. You have to separate your issues with your husband from this property issue. Even if you were single, paying all the taxes and maintenance for the deadbeat brother you love is a bad idea.

But separately, you may need to figure out why you have stayed in this marriage — there may be perfectly good reasons, but be sure you know what they are.

[Anonymous]

This is such a bad idea on so many levels but you can't or refuse to see it. Your brother is the only one who will benefit from this.

[Anonymous]

This is why you need separate accounts.

[Anonymous]

My dad and his siblings inherited their childhood home. They also had a sibling who had some unlucky breaks coupled with bad choices (not criminal). This sibling was the only one of them who didn’t have a home, so he’s now living in the house. He pays all maintenance and upkeep. My dad relinquished his share in the house anticipating future problems. Will be interesting to see how the remaining siblings divide the house if needed in the future.

[Anonymous]

Op, you don't have to make your husband happy with your inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

But they are not. He doesn't get to make up his own facts.

Not trolling/honest question.

If a couple shares all other aspects of finances, are inheritance's not considered a shared asset?

Legally or not, if they have completely combined finances, it would be reasonable for him to view the inheritance as an addition to the shared accounts. Tbh, that is how both my spouse and I would view it

For my husband and me, no. All of our finances are shared except the money we each inherited from our parents. We each keep that in our individual names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

Advice from a qualified real estate or estates and trusts attorney trumps what your husband "believes". Consult an attorney and if necessary, after you have consulted the attorney and decided how YOU want to handle YOUR inheritance, you may decide to ask the attorney to explain to you and your husband in a joint meeting how things will be structured.

Generally inheritances are separate property (i.e. property only of the inheritor) unless something is done during the marriage to change the status of the separate property, i.e. using marital income for upkeep and taxes.

Personally, I would consult an estates and trusts attorney. There may be a way to title the property or place the ownership or the property and some maintenance money in trust so that all three of you can use the property but are also shielded from some of the liability potentially created by the less responsible brother. But, of course, this would need to be done as part of your Dad's estate planning while he is still competent enough to make decisions.

OP here— thank you, this is good advice. I was not sure what kind of attorney to consult.

My dad is adamant that he is leaving the property to all three of us. I don’t know why— just weird family dynamics.

So for me the choice seems to be left out of it or to “accept” the inheritance but have some kind of legal protections set up. We can’t rent it— it’s in a private community that doesn’t allow rentals.

As for why my husband doesn’t want it— he has probably spent a total of 12 hours at this cabin in the 25 years we’ve been married. He hates going there, hates spending time with my family. He’s met my dysfunctional sibling twice. He is not a supportive husband when it comes to my family. He has not made an effort to get to know any of them. I once found out that my grandmother had nicknamed my husband “the ghost” because no one ever saw him. He left my sister’s wedding reception early because there was an important football game he wanted to attend. So I am having trouble separating my resentment over his non-effort with my family from the very rational and sensible arguments and reasons why owning this place might not be in my best interest. It feels like one more thing he doesn’t want to be involved in. But he makes sure we have plenty of money set aside for all the things he cares about.

You've definitely got a husband issue.

Bu that's really separate from the potential inheritance issue. I urge you to think about that dispassionately, because it's setting you up for a bad situation. And your father is not doing you any favors. It sems pretty apparent to me that he is leaving it to all three of you to force you and your other sibling to cover the costs for Bouncer Brother. That's crappy. Does he know that he may imperil the family ownership if he does that?

I have a very different take on the decision the father is making about leaving the cabin to all three siblings - I see it as him not wanting to play favorites. It can be very hurtful for a parent to leave kids out of the will - especially in such a sentimental family connected real estate.

I am the executor on my parents estate - one of my siblings has cut my parents off. I think my brother is wrong to have cut my parents off, but I recognize that I can’t control that. I know that one of my parents is the type to feel - well if he cut us off, we should leave him out of the will. I have agreed to act as executor, but I have begged my parents to treat us all equally in the will regardless of how they feel about my brother. I do nit want to have to live in family conflict created by unequal treatment in a will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

Advice from a qualified real estate or estates and trusts attorney trumps what your husband "believes". Consult an attorney and if necessary, after you have consulted the attorney and decided how YOU want to handle YOUR inheritance, you may decide to ask the attorney to explain to you and your husband in a joint meeting how things will be structured.

Generally inheritances are separate property (i.e. property only of the inheritor) unless something is done during the marriage to change the status of the separate property, i.e. using marital income for upkeep and taxes.

Personally, I would consult an estates and trusts attorney. There may be a way to title the property or place the ownership or the property and some maintenance money in trust so that all three of you can use the property but are also shielded from some of the liability potentially created by the less responsible brother. But, of course, this would need to be done as part of your Dad's estate planning while he is still competent enough to make decisions.

OP here— thank you, this is good advice. I was not sure what kind of attorney to consult.

My dad is adamant that he is leaving the property to all three of us. I don’t know why— just weird family dynamics.

So for me the choice seems to be left out of it or to “accept” the inheritance but have some kind of legal protections set up. We can’t rent it— it’s in a private community that doesn’t allow rentals.

As for why my husband doesn’t want it— he has probably spent a total of 12 hours at this cabin in the 25 years we’ve been married. He hates going there, hates spending time with my family. He’s met my dysfunctional sibling twice. He is not a supportive husband when it comes to my family. He has not made an effort to get to know any of them. I once found out that my grandmother had nicknamed my husband “the ghost” because no one ever saw him. He left my sister’s wedding reception early because there was an important football game he wanted to attend. So I am having trouble separating my resentment over his non-effort with my family from the very rational and sensible arguments and reasons why owning this place might not be in my best interest. It feels like one more thing he doesn’t want to be involved in. But he makes sure we have plenty of money set aside for all the things he cares about.

I am really troubled by your husband’s non-participation in your family life. In light of that, I really see his refusal to support you inheriting a family property as part of a broader effort to weaken your ties with your family and isolate you from them. I was once in a relationship where one of the emotionally abusive tactics was to separate me from friends and family by being critical of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

But they are not. He doesn't get to make up his own facts.

Not trolling/honest question.

If a couple shares all other aspects of finances, are inheritance's not considered a shared asset?

Legally or not, if they have completely combined finances, it would be reasonable for him to view the inheritance as an addition to the shared accounts. Tbh, that is how both my spouse and I would view it

For my husband and me, no. All of our finances are shared except the money we each inherited from our parents. We each keep that in our individual names.

Money is different from property that uses joint marital finances to maintain, though.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, Op you aren't going to be able to use joint money for upkeep. That's not fair. Not when DH doesn't want it. You either afford the property on your own, or you have to recognize that you can't afford it.

[Anonymous]

The reasons why I can see it being an issue in general

- you said you can’t rent it out because of it being in a private community that doesn’t permit rentals. This means it can’t be an investment property and it will never pay for itself
- you mentioned it doesn’t have AC or heat - so I could see the weather has to be really nice to even want to use it
- your brother that hasn’t made all the best life choices can’t afford to pay for maintenance for the house so either you are splitting the difference with your other sibling for the amount, willing to pay 2/3rd of the cost for 1/3 ownership, or have to hope upkeep money is also included with the inheritance
- you also mentioned it needs some maintenance- not only would you and siblings have to agree on what gets done but also splitting the cost and the timing
- your DH is not going to want to go up, both because he doesn’t like the cabin and because he makes zero effort with your family. So short of it being a special event that maybe you can convince him to go, you would likely be going by yourself to either meet up with your family or if it is suitable to be a setting for a girls trip to lake cabin (not sure if it’s in that kind of condition or location for non-family to want to go there)

I do agree that your DH should NOT be able to dictate what you do with your inheritance. You do have to be able to look at it rationally if the gift will cost you more in terms of money and drama than the yearly use and pleasure derived from enjoying the property. I wouldn’t even look at it as how much it is worth when you sell because because it sounds like the goal would be to keep it in the family and no guarantee any siblings would agree and afford to buy the others out or sell it to someone outside the family.

Bottom line, from a financial point of view, how much will it cost you in terms of inheritance taxes, yearly property tax, insurance and maintenance and are those costs in the ballpark of a hobby like having season tickets to see an NFL team or something like golf being your hobby or is it a bottomless money pit? If financially it’s not more expensive than a lot of hobbies, just make sure you work through how to make sure there aren’t issues with using it, liability, and how to make sure you don’t end up with 100% of the costs if other siblings don’t pay their share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here— and the idea of using inheritance money for upkeep is brilliant, instead of using marital assets. Unfortunately my husband believes that all assets, even inherited, are shared....

Depending on your state this is true.

Even where true, this can be gotten around by OP’s parents putting what should be her ‘inheritance’ into a trust she can use toward upkeep. trusts can absolutely be for the benefit of one spouse and not the other. That said, OP, are you and other sibling willing to cover the 3rd sibling’s share of upkeep/taxes/insurance? or will your parents leave enough to cover it? what if a pipe bursts or a tree falls on the roof or whatever? just make sure you’re prepared to manage that kind of thing outside of your marital assets.