I’m happy being a SAHM, except when others talk about it like I’m some kind of sucker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never ever say this IRL but... I just think SAHMs are kind of dumb and useless . Like all they can talk about is their children. And most of them, even the ones with kids in school, don’t do anything for the community. They’re pretty lazy TBH. I dunno, if you enjoy the life, great. It seems like kind of a waste though

Completely agree. And I was SAHM for a little while. There’s something about being SAHM that dulls the brain, the curiosity, the sharpness, the synthesizing that is needed to thrive when working outside the home. That part of the brain just isn’t exercised anymore and then everything else gets loose including hours in the day. Hence the laziness. I know only one SAHM that is truly interesting and that’s because she working on plans to launch her own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never ever say this IRL but... I just think SAHMs are kind of dumb and useless . Like all they can talk about is their children. And most of them, even the ones with kids in school, don’t do anything for the community. They’re pretty lazy TBH. I dunno, if you enjoy the life, great. It seems like kind of a waste though

I am an intelligent SAHM but could agree that I am pretty useless. I do little for the community. I can absolutely say that I am lazier than most on DCUM -- not an ambitious bone in my body. And yet when I went back to work full-time 2 years ago I was committed to the job (learning support in an intl school) as I never had been to any job before. I got up at 4am to exercise before going home to take my kids to school and then go to work and come home and cook and do chores. My point is that identities are fluid. Most SAHMs do not stay at home forever.

[Anonymous]

Please read Mikki Kendal’s “Hood Feminism.” And perhaps John Stewart Mill’s thoughts on leisure.

Paid labor is not better than unpaid labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely you see that on a societal level worldwide, the economic disempowerment of women and corresponding lack of educational and professional opportunities is due to the idea that they SHOULD sacrifice themselves to stay home. That raising kids and taking care of the home for no pay is their role.

It’s fine if you choose to stay home and like your situation, but understand that you’re probably more privileged than the vast majority of SAHMs.

As for being a SAHM, I also think it’s ok to acknowledge that it is a high burnout job that isn’t for everyone. A lot of people struggle with it, more than really enjoy it. Housekeeping involves a lot of thankless repetitive tasks and caring for young kids round the clock can be very draining as you can barely get a break to think or tend to your own needs. I was lucky to be able to WFH with very flexible hours during the pandemic and there were parts of it I enjoyed and parts that really felt wearing after a year. I do think it entails some sacrifice of self for many women to conform to this traditional role and it’s fine to acknowledge that.

Housekeeping is different from childcare as you pointed out. SAHMs should be responsible for childcare, they are not the family maid.

What?? No. If you stay at home, your job is the kids and the home. Clean up for heaven's sake. You're not *too good* for it.

What?? No. Family needs a maid, they can hire a maid. As a SAH mom, I am available at home to supervise the maids, but I am not at home to clean the house. If you don't have the financial means to stay at home, you should be working. Even when I was working, I was not doing the cleaning at home and I had a maid. I cannot understand that WOHMs talk about working the second shift when they come back home from work. If you have to work a second shift, then so should your DH.

[Anonymous]

Based on what a lot of people here are saying, it looks like many commenters have used a paid job as the simplest way to get work and fulfillment. That’s fine, but you don’t actually need it. If you aren’t staying sharp as a SAHM, that’s ultimately a choice you are making. You could actually argue that the ones who need work to stay sharp are less motivated than the stay at home moms who continue their personal development. But it probably had more to do with the fact that most people respond more to external obligations than they do internal motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ever say this IRL but... I just think SAHMs are kind of dumb and useless . Like all they can talk about is their children. And most of them, even the ones with kids in school, don’t do anything for the community. They’re pretty lazy TBH. I dunno, if you enjoy the life, great. It seems like kind of a waste though

Completely agree. And I was SAHM for a little while. There’s something about being SAHM that dulls the brain, the curiosity, the sharpness, the synthesizing that is needed to thrive when working outside the home. That part of the brain just isn’t exercised anymore and then everything else gets loose including hours in the day. Hence the laziness. I know only one SAHM that is truly interesting and that’s because she working on plans to launch her own business.

Wow, this is not my personal experience at all. My years as a SAHM were some of the most intellectually fruitful of my adult life. I read so much more, so I always had a new novel or nonfiction book to think about or discuss. And reading across genres allowed me to make connections and think deeply about things in a way I hadn't been able to in years because my brain had been consumed with office politics or the more mundane details of my job.

Being a SAHM also exposed me to a much broader collection of people and jobs. Instead of going to my office and spending most of the day with people with my same educational background and similar job, talking about the same industry-specific topics. Even my socializing had gotten really predictable -- when everyone you socialize with is in your same socioeconomic class and has a similar job and background to you, you just wind up talking about a lot of the same topics and people tend to have really similar opinions about things and its really not that intellectually stimulating.

But as a SAHM, I spent time with all kinds of people. I got to know the people who own our local bookstore and the librarians at our public library. I met other SAHMs from totally different backgrounds -- young women with husbands in the military, women in grad school, women from diplomat families from foreign countries. I loved talking to them and getting totally different takes on everything from parenting to current events to social issues.

I took up different hobbies as a SAHM that I don't think I would ever have stumbled upon without having the extra time and the freedom in my schedule. I started sketching in a sketch book and got pretty good, and found it was a great stress reliever. When my kid got older, we'd go to art museums and bring paper and drawing utensils and sit and draw while we looked at great works of art.

And when my kid had an interest, I'd investigate it with her and learn all kinds of things myself. Some of it was stuff I'd known once and forgotten, about space or dinosaurs or food. And some of it was new information. I'd teach her about the planets and that would spark my curiosity and I'd pick up an adult book on the history of astronomy at the library. Honestly, it was like being in college again. I loved it. I hit a point where I needed to go back to work for a variety of reasons, but the idea that being a SAHM made me dull or boring or only interested in my kid or housework is laughable to me.

To quote one of Betty Draper's rare truisms: Boring people are bored. If being a SAHM makes you dumb and useless, I'm guessing you are also pretty dumb and useless at work, too. You might feel more important because you're making money, but the odds that your job is interesting or actually useful to society in any real way are extremely slim.

[Anonymous]

^ this is so true. I have had times as a stay at home mom where I got dumber (often when the kids were at a particularly demanding stage and I didn’t have the mental energy to do much else) but now I am a much more interesting person than I was when I was working at a job.

[Anonymous]

For those of you who think being a stay at home mom is useless because you aren’t earning money and maybe not volunteering or doing much that is intellectual: what constitutes a “useful” life and why is that important? Can people with disabilities that prevent them from doing those things lead useful lives?

[Anonymous]

I feel like everyone saying that SAHMs are "useless" should have to state their profession. I'm guessing if people were honest, it would be pretty hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hope you never get divorced.

Or widowed early without really good life insurance.

Women who mommy track or sahm often get really screwed by divorce.

Watch out a bunch of women are about to tell you:

1. I'm SUPER RICH and NEVER needed to work!

or

2. DH is SUPER RICH and I'll be fine with 50%!

or

3. We have a PRENUP that says I get EVERYTHING.

or

4. DH PROMISED that I'll be SUPER RICH if we divorce or if he dies!


Any woman who has been left holding the bag is a dumb dumb. The majority of women are less well off after divorce or death, but I'M DIFFERENT.

Ok but you know that life insurance and equitable asset division are things now right? It’s more than possible to do the math and realize how much money you’d have if your husband dies or you do an equitable split of assets.

This is the piece that bothers me the most about being a SAHM. If you do get divorced, the SAHM will be the worst off since the husband will have maximized his opportunity to return to financial wellness by working all along. The SAHM will need to start at the beginning to start earning money and so will have.a harder time returning to financial wellness/comparability. Ultimately, when you divorce, each of you get to live on 1/2 of what you were used to living on and so having maintained income all along means you aren't starting at the beginning of your earning journey because you stayed at home and put career on hold. I realize that there may be some who may be able to get directly in to high paying jobs but that is likely not the norm. I just find it hard to put my financial future at risk this way. Obviously, others have different thought process on this risk but it's a game of probabilities at this point.

[Anonymous]

I was a sahm for 3.5 years. I did it because I couldn’t outsource breastfeeding my child. While I enjoyed being a sahm, I always thought it wouldn’t be sustainable in the long run. Maybe I was just paranoid, but i did not think I was respected. I guess I cared too much of what other people think, so that’s my own problem. My self confidence was really low.

I went back to school and got a BSN. I have new skills and I feel more useful at home and in the community, and at the same time, proud that I sahm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ever say this IRL but... I just think SAHMs are kind of dumb and useless . Like all they can talk about is their children. And most of them, even the ones with kids in school, don’t do anything for the community. They’re pretty lazy TBH. I dunno, if you enjoy the life, great. It seems like kind of a waste though

Completely agree. And I was SAHM for a little while. There’s something about being SAHM that dulls the brain, the curiosity, the sharpness, the synthesizing that is needed to thrive when working outside the home. That part of the brain just isn’t exercised anymore and then everything else gets loose including hours in the day. Hence the laziness. I know only one SAHM that is truly interesting and that’s because she working on plans to launch her own business.

Most sahms aren’t sahm forever. When they go back to work are they transformed from the tiresome beasts they’ve become or are they marked forever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And in this case that person was Barak Obama.

I just heard an interview with him on an NPR podcast, and he said something about how Michelle’s mom had stretches where she was “just” a SAHM, and too often it’s women who make that sacrifice when they really should be working.

I really like Obama, and I’m a feminist, but seriously?

Especially after Covid I’m just not convinced that I’m the one making a “sacrifice”. Maybe my DH is the one sacrificing family time in order to work? And he likes his job but it’s hardly a “calling”, and it sure as heck isn’t a hobby. As far as I can tell I chose to SAH, I wasn’t suckered into it. There are good things and bad things about SAH, and there are good things and bad things about working. I wish our policies encouraged women AND men to SAH for stretches (a year or two) with young kids, and facilitated that choice with family leave policies or tax breaks (while also facilitating affordable day care for parents who want to work).

Anyway. I’m happy with my choice 90% of the time but it’s sucks to hear someone I admire denigrate my choices.

Yeah and I wish single people were paid by the government to take a year off and discover what they want to do with their life.

Pay for your own years of SAHP.

This is the most nonsensical comment. What a ridiculous argument. Go back to bed.

NP. No, it's not. Why should people get paid to stay home for a year or two with kids? What about people who don't have kids? What do they get?

I have two young kids and I agree completely, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely you see that on a societal level worldwide, the economic disempowerment of women and corresponding lack of educational and professional opportunities is due to the idea that they SHOULD sacrifice themselves to stay home. That raising kids and taking care of the home for no pay is their role.

It’s fine if you choose to stay home and like your situation, but understand that you’re probably more privileged than the vast majority of SAHMs.

As for being a SAHM, I also think it’s ok to acknowledge that it is a high burnout job that isn’t for everyone. A lot of people struggle with it, more than really enjoy it. Housekeeping involves a lot of thankless repetitive tasks and caring for young kids round the clock can be very draining as you can barely get a break to think or tend to your own needs. I was lucky to be able to WFH with very flexible hours during the pandemic and there were parts of it I enjoyed and parts that really felt wearing after a year. I do think it entails some sacrifice of self for many women to conform to this traditional role and it’s fine to acknowledge that.

Housekeeping is different from childcare as you pointed out. SAHMs should be responsible for childcare, they are not the family maid.

What?? No. If you stay at home, your job is the kids and the home. Clean up for heaven's sake. You're not *too good* for it.

This is why any generalization about any of this is dumb. There are SAHMs who have to do it all and others with high-earning spouses and tons of paid help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like everyone saying that SAHMs are "useless" should have to state their profession. I'm guessing if people were honest, it would be pretty hilarious.

I'm a WOHM and I totally agree. Most jobs are not that amazing in how meaningful they are or what they contribute to the world. I like mine just fine but please.