Divorcing husband for not contributing to household chores

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a ton of the "Be gentle with yourself" or "Ask him to do specific chores" on here. A lot of justifications of horrifically selfish male behavior on this board. And it honestly makes me sick. If someone has so little respect for you that they: refuse to acknowledge you on mothers day, sit on their ass while you are running around cleaning around them, or expect that you will break your back while they go golfing, THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU. It's time to go. But no one wants to say that or acknowledge that so women create all these dumb justifications about "male brains dont work that way" or "men are innately incompetent at chores" and other braindead, borderline insulting statements. The whole thing is so pathetic I cant even deal.

Out of curiosity, PP - do you have a super helpful husband or are you single?

I generally agree with you and my husband is very helpful and a wonderful partner but I get slammed any time I say something even remotely close to what you're suggesting so I'm just curious where you're coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

You're gross.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think the casual attitude toward divorce is awful. The advice should be to marry a man who agrees with your clear expectations on these things. Marry a man who will talk things through, is a good listener, will compromise, and isn't selfish. Marry a feminist. Not "lose your kids for 50% of the time and show them it's okay to walk away when things get hard despite no abuse." Y'all are f'ing up your kids.

I am not recommending my kids get married. It is not worth it. Also, my ex was none of those things (he would not compromise, was selfish and barely spoke to me). It is not okay to stay in a marriage that is lopsided or miserable. That is bad for kids. Showing them that it is okay to put your needs first is the most valuable thing I can do. I was raised the opposite and look where I ended up (getting into a marriage that was not good from the start (and had a lot of pressure to marry) and staying due to pressure to stay....um, wrong.). There is a difference between marriages with love and ups and downs than a marriage where there is no respect or caring or love--then you leave.

That’s kind of sad to put your baggage on them. Most people do better in life with partners. Why not instead teach them how to have good boundaries and find people who treat them with respect? The best way to teach this is to model it yourself.

They can do what they want. But I am not pushing marriage as the end all be all. I had a lot of pressure. It was wrong and not worth it. I do not think it is a good institution for women at all in this day in age. I do not agree that most people do better in life with partners. I have seen no marriages in my life I think are worth it. Not one.

That's ridiculously sad. I am definitely better off with my husband as my partner. I would say the majority of my friends are as well. We all work, which maybe has something to do with it (the two SAHMs are now divorced...).

Almost everyone I know works (both spouses and still, no marriages that seem good to me). My cousin does not (bad marriage too). I do not think working vs. not working makes much difference. I do not see one marriage I would want to be in. My aunts and uncles marriages did not look good either nor were my parents or my exH's parents.

Are all these marriages in the same SES level? I do know of some issues in some friends' marriages, but honestly, most of us are very happily married. We're all MC-UMC. I don't know if that makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

pick better men to marry. they are out there for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the casual attitude toward divorce is awful. The advice should be to marry a man who agrees with your clear expectations on these things. Marry a man who will talk things through, is a good listener, will compromise, and isn't selfish. Marry a feminist. Not "lose your kids for 50% of the time and show them it's okay to walk away when things get hard despite no abuse." Y'all are f'ing up your kids.

I am not recommending my kids get married. It is not worth it. Also, my ex was none of those things (he would not compromise, was selfish and barely spoke to me). It is not okay to stay in a marriage that is lopsided or miserable. That is bad for kids. Showing them that it is okay to put your needs first is the most valuable thing I can do. I was raised the opposite and look where I ended up (getting into a marriage that was not good from the start (and had a lot of pressure to marry) and staying due to pressure to stay....um, wrong.). There is a difference between marriages with love and ups and downs than a marriage where there is no respect or caring or love--then you leave.

That’s kind of sad to put your baggage on them. Most people do better in life with partners. Why not instead teach them how to have good boundaries and find people who treat them with respect? The best way to teach this is to model it yourself.

They can do what they want. But I am not pushing marriage as the end all be all. I had a lot of pressure. It was wrong and not worth it. I do not think it is a good institution for women at all in this day in age. I do not agree that most people do better in life with partners. I have seen no marriages in my life I think are worth it. Not one.

That's ridiculously sad. I am definitely better off with my husband as my partner. I would say the majority of my friends are as well. We all work, which maybe has something to do with it (the two SAHMs are now divorced...).

Almost everyone I know works (both spouses and still, no marriages that seem good to me). My cousin does not (bad marriage too). I do not think working vs. not working makes much difference. I do not see one marriage I would want to be in. My aunts and uncles marriages did not look good either nor were my parents or my exH's parents.

Are all these marriages in the same SES level? I do know of some issues in some friends' marriages, but honestly, most of us are very happily married. We're all MC-UMC. I don't know if that makes a difference.

Yes. All the same socioeconomic level. All educated. Many with postgrad/professional degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pick better men to marry. they are out there for sure.

They clearly aren't. At least not enough of them for all the women who want to marry.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I would ever actually divorce unless there was a very clear unequal division of labor like 90 10. But the way we're sitting right now it's more 70/30. I do wish that the expectations of men in relationships were a lot higher than what they are. If I quit my job or standard of living would change quite drastically so I keep working for our family and contributing I wish all husbands contributed that same amount in home labor. I think the women's movement really screwed a lot of us over in that now we have to work but we also are expected to do all of the things our grandmother's used to do around the house. My husband's mom was a stay-at-home mom and we have had a few come to Jesus moments about why I will not be doing every task for DH she used to for his dad. If finally came to me saying fine I'm quitting and these are all of the things that we will need to remove from our life so I can wash your socks since you can't seem to handle that. He realized that we do need my money and my salary and there's no way in hell I'm raising him and our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

It so easy in DC. Can happen in flyover states. Few women want a divorced guy with kids and child support here. Most women that are older aren’t looking for a man to marry. At least in DC.

[Anonymous]

My mother and father were married for 48 years, until my father died in a car crash in 2010. They credibly weren’t a perfect couple - they had their issues - but they loved one another and were great parents. They didn’t fight over chores - largely b/c my mother gave up on hysterical cleanliness standards early in the marriage and learned to live with imperfection. My father wasn’t at all handy around them house - although he would take a month off work in the summer while we all went away to the Cape - to do things like paint and wallpaper. (He was amazed to watch me switch out the hit water heater in my house a few years back.) Ad I understand it, the perfect house was never a priority un his household when growing up. We children were expected to run the lawnmower once a well and my sister loved to do this as a teen. She'd put on her bikini and her headphones and ride around on the Snapper riding mower. My wife is offended when I suggested our then teen DD low our lawn. We were also expected to put away our own laundry, which sometimes consisted of us living from the bed to the chair and back over a few days. My wife OTOH would have furious fights with our DD about this. I told her just to close DD’s bedroom door and forget about it. I can say that my parents household was peaceful and happy. I can’t say that about mine. DW intends in visiting misery on everyone and acts like “she does it all.” In point of fact, I do a lot in addition to being the person besting all the pressure of earning the money that pays the bills.

I’m about ready to divorce, but largely over DW’s cheating and selfish ways and her constant insults and verbal abuse. Can’t wait to get my 50% of the marital assets and then retire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pick better men to marry. they are out there for sure.

They clearly aren't. At least not enough of them for all the women who want to marry.

This is why sperm banks are overloaded with demand

[Anonymous]

Is that a pun?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that a pun?

LOL. No it's not

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/08/business/sperm-donors-facebook-groups.html

[Anonymous]

I’m tired of my DW complaining about her having to work at a real job. That’s what adults do. I would gladly let her quit, but then she will need to be 100 percent responsible for the household chores. She constantly complains that she has to work at her “sh*tty” job, that her friends are all SAHM with husbands who “provide for their family.” DW, first you were SAHM until our kids hit HS. Two, none if your SAHM friends are college educated. May I remind how much you lord it over people that you received and Ivy League degree? Three, your kids are now grown up, graduated from college and out of the house. There is no excuse for you to stay home. Four, I’m doing you a favor encouraging you to have a career. What will you do if I die or divorce you tomorrow? OK, I have life insurance for the latter, but you’re a grown woman who can work and take care of yourself. You should never expect anyone to support you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually divorced my husband because of this. I lost so much respect for him over the years as I took on more and more of the household responsibilities and that led to other problems. I also worked full time and he would sit on his computer while I mowed the lawn, paid the bills, basically did it all. The result of him becoming increasingly emasculated and he would complain about how I was always so tired and never seemed to have time for him. I explained that I wouldn’t be so tired if he took on some of the chores- he would for a few days but would almost immediately revert back to his old ways.

He’s since remarried to a very submissive woman and he now mows the lawn and fixes things around his house. I think it’s great that he finally started contributing. My world didn’t change when he moved out, in fact my household chores became less. Win-win.

Ditto except my X is not remarried. He realizes he's so lazy no woman would put up with him, since he's not rich, young or good looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

Isn't it your money too?