Divorcing husband for not contributing to household chores

[Anonymous]

It's a thing and it has been for a while. And it is reasonable, if somebody doesn't respect you or your time to divorce them. It isn't petty at all. If my DH thought it was OK to not care about my feelings or needs I'd be pissed. You might think it is "only" about household chores. It is not.

Here's an article you might find interesting.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been a principal issue in my marriage — did virtually no chores, did virtually nothing with the kids but the occasional trip to the playground, night out with friends, or after school pickup — and one I have tried many times to reset/restructure, to no avail. Then when our emotional connection went with it I completely disengaged and started informally planning what a divorce would look like. I thought of how good my life would be when there was a forcing function for getting a break from my kids and not having to pick up after him.

He (finally) noticed my disengagement and how serious it was, and started to change his tune. Now with many hard talks and couples therapy he does more around the house and engaged with the kids (though not 50/50), but my feelings have changed and I’m not sure if it’s just too late now.

So technically it wouldn’t be “because of” the division of chores, but it was certainly the first nail. I think it’s more that a very inequitable division of chores and parenting indicates a kind of disrespect for your partner. The sadness, anger, resentment, exhaustion from facing that disrespect almost every day builds up and can become too tall a wall to get over.

It's really so, so unattractive when men act so incompetent and inconsiderate. It's not really easy to come back from

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a principal issue in my marriage — did virtually no chores, did virtually nothing with the kids but the occasional trip to the playground, night out with friends, or after school pickup — and one I have tried many times to reset/restructure, to no avail. Then when our emotional connection went with it I completely disengaged and started informally planning what a divorce would look like. I thought of how good my life would be when there was a forcing function for getting a break from my kids and not having to pick up after him.

He (finally) noticed my disengagement and how serious it was, and started to change his tune. Now with many hard talks and couples therapy he does more around the house and engaged with the kids (though not 50/50), but my feelings have changed and I’m not sure if it’s just too late now.

So technically it wouldn’t be “because of” the division of chores, but it was certainly the first nail. I think it’s more that a very inequitable division of chores and parenting indicates a kind of disrespect for your partner. The sadness, anger, resentment, exhaustion from facing that disrespect almost every day builds up and can become too tall a wall to get over.

It's really so, so unattractive when men act so incompetent and inconsiderate. It's not really easy to come back from

And yet men wonder why their wives don't want to have sex with them.
Being a selfish dead-beat is a turn-off. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Outsourcing is cheaper

[Anonymous]

I see a ton of the "Be gentle with yourself" or "Ask him to do specific chores" on here. A lot of justifications of horrifically selfish male behavior on this board. And it honestly makes me sick. If someone has so little respect for you that they: refuse to acknowledge you on mothers day, sit on their ass while you are running around cleaning around them, or expect that you will break your back while they go golfing, THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU. It's time to go. But no one wants to say that or acknowledge that so women create all these dumb justifications about "male brains dont work that way" or "men are innately incompetent at chores" and other braindead, borderline insulting statements. The whole thing is so pathetic I cant even deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope to never meet anyone in real life who uses the word “heteronormative”. That said, I agree that many couples need a fairer division of labor.

This poster prefers small words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually divorced my husband because of this. I lost so much respect for him over the years as I took on more and more of

the household responsibilities and that led to other problems. I also worked full time and he would sit on his computer while I mowed the lawn, paid the bills, basically did it all. The result of him becoming increasingly emasculated and he would complain about how I was always so tired and never seemed to have time for him. I explained that I wouldn’t be so tired if he took on some of the chores- he would for a few days but would almost immediately revert back to his old ways.

He’s since remarried to a very submissive woman and he now mows the lawn and fixes things around his house. I think it’s great that he finally started contributing. My world didn’t change when he moved out, in fact my household chores became less. Win-win.

Why do you say she is submissive?

I think women are so caught up with being men that they forget their power is in their femininity. The way tog st men to do stuff around the house isn’t yelling etc. it’s coaxing. Obviously she’s done this right, she has him doing things despite the fact you think she’s submissive. I bet she’s runs that show.

LOL! Who has time for this?! Coaxing someone to fold the laundry, do the dishes, take out the trash, make the bed every morning? That would take hours! If a man needs to be coddled and stroked to get anything done, that's pathetic and, again, clearly a lame excuse just not to do the work.

Some people don't enjoy coddling and flattering an adult through basic life responsibilities. Oh, you're such manly man, you mowed the lawn while I did the other 99% of the work ooh ravish me, I submit to your manly manly will. If that's what you like, enjoy it, but some of us are looking for an adult. Not someone who needs us to clap for him when he wipes himself.

[Anonymous]

Yes divorce. He won’t grow up and is not marriage material. Can you imagine him at age 60,70,80? Still not doing anything but feeding his face like a pig?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually divorced my husband because of this. I lost so much respect for him over the years as I took on more and more of the household responsibilities and that led to other problems. I also worked full time and he would sit on his computer while I mowed the lawn, paid the bills, basically did it all. The result of him becoming increasingly emasculated and he would complain about how I was always so tired and never seemed to have time for him. I explained that I wouldn’t be so tired if he took on some of the chores- he would for a few days but would almost immediately revert back to his old ways.

He’s since remarried to a very submissive woman and he now mows the lawn and fixes things around his house. I think it’s great that he finally started contributing. My world didn’t change when he moved out, in fact my household chores became less. Win-win.

Why do you say she is submissive?

I think women are so caught up with being men that they forget their power is in their femininity. The way tog st men to do stuff around the house isn’t yelling etc. it’s coaxing. Obviously she’s done this right, she has him doing things despite the fact you think she’s submissive. I bet she’s runs that show.

Coaxing? Who has time to coax? Who has the energy?
GTFOH with this garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

Absolutely false. Women will always be more in demand in the relationship track. And everyone knows it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

Kind of irrelevant when you consider the fact that the majority of women don't want to re-marry after divorce.

And I can promise you that uncomplicated 29 year olds without kids do not find divorced dads an attractive prospect, good money or not. I was that 29 year old and rejected them all. I also rejected them all when I was in my thirties.

But the bolded part is very telling. A family "of his own"? In this scenario, the man already has a family. Just goes to show that the typical man leaves his kids behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

NP. If I got divorced, I would not want to get married again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 mom family here but I am definitely the primary parent. For me it’s not the division of chores or tasks that’s the problem, it’s the mental load that goes into everything. School, camp appts, activities, etc etc... I can ask my wife to do anything and she will but the thought process that goes into it is all me and that’s what I find exhausting.

I hope this question isn't offensive. Of the lesbian couples I know, one of the women is more stereotypically masculine. I'm curious to know whether your partner who isn't doing the emotional labor is more masculine than you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

+1. Exactly. But the narcissism in women today is so incredibly high due to social media use. They think they deserve another high-quality man after they dump the one they already had! Then they are shocked -- shocked! -- when men aren't interested in them at age 35+ with young kids in tow. Why would they want her when they could find an uncomplicated 29-year-old without kids to make a family of his own with? Why would he want to raise another man's kids when that dad is still in the picture? Meanwhile, the husband she left is an attractive prospect for women if he makes good money and has a great job. Women do not even consider how the typical man thinks. They just jump back into the dating scene and reality smacks them HARD.

Kind of irrelevant when you consider the fact that the majority of women don't want to re-marry after divorce.

And I can promise you that uncomplicated 29 year olds without kids do not find divorced dads an attractive prospect, good money or not. I was that 29 year old and rejected them all. I also rejected them all when I was in my thirties.

But the bolded part is very telling. A family "of his own"? In this scenario, the man already has a family. Just goes to show that the typical man leaves his kids behind.

What is so hard about understanding that a 37-year-old never-married man would like to have his own biological children instead of raising another man's children who do not see him as their father but he is likely financially responsible for? "You can't tell me to do that! You're not my dad!!" Wow, how does a handsome, high-earning, never-married man with options turn that down? Get real!