Divorcing husband for not contributing to household chores

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine kind of sucks with chores but he does his own laundry, does half the parenting, handles car stuff, yard stuff, etc. So I really don’t want to be a hall monitor with crumbs on the counter or divorce him for these traits when he’s a good person and supports me in everything I do, especially with my career.

A lot of strife comes from different expectations. One spouse expects a clean and tidy house with two young kids running around. The other prioritizes being relaxed and spending time with the kids over cleaning the kitchen. You have to meet halfway. You can't be pissed if things aren't held up to a high standard when you have kids at home. If it matters that much to you that laundry be put away within a few hours of it being done, then do it yourself. Otherwise, maybe give your spouse a day to do it because they need a few minutes to themselves or would rather read a book with your kid.

I say this as someone who wants a tidy house, but if DH is spending time with the kids or unwinding in bed when I know he's had a hard week, I'm not going to frame it in my mind as him not "helping" because there are dirty dishes in the sink. If it matters to me, I'll do them. It often doesn't and I let them sit and he'll do them without griping in the morning.

I can NOT imagine losing out on half my kids' lives because I'm mad about chores. I just can't.

Do you work as many hours outside the home as your DH, and make as much money? I have always worked harder, in and out of the home. I'm completely fed up. I'm not divorcing over it, but I am pretty checked out of the "partnership."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

I really do not think this is true. I don't think it is easier for a man to find a new wife. I just don't.

Oh, yes, it is. My father was and is quite overweight (over 300 pounds on a 5'10" frame-, horrible teeth and breath, can't hear and won't wear a hearing aid, Asperger's tendencies. Took him less than a year after my mom died to find three women to date, and remarried two years after mom died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing is cheaper than divorcing.

And if you are too poor to outsource, you can certainly not afford divorce.

I outsourced the cleaning inside and the yard work. Our house is still very cluttered. I had to get over the embarassment, or get divorced. My husband literally will mess up neatly folded clothes. Just simply can't care less. To mitigate the resentment, I go out with my friends whenever, spend whatever I want. I've been faking interest in sex with him since about five years into the marriage. Him becoming a Trumper is just the icing on the distancing cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually divorced my husband because of this. I lost so much respect for him over the years as I took on more and more of the household responsibilities and that led to other problems. I also worked full time and he would sit on his computer while I mowed the lawn, paid the bills, basically did it all. The result of him becoming increasingly emasculated and he would complain about how I was always so tired and never seemed to have time for him. I explained that I wouldn’t be so tired if he took on some of the chores- he would for a few days but would almost immediately revert back to his old ways.

He’s since remarried to a very submissive woman and he now mows the lawn and fixes things around his house. I think it’s great that he finally started contributing. My world didn’t change when he moved out, in fact my household chores became less. Win-win.

Why do you say she is submissive?

I think women are so caught up with being men that they forget their power is in their femininity. The way tog st men to do stuff around the house isn’t yelling etc. it’s coaxing. Obviously she’s done this right, she has him doing things despite the fact you think she’s submissive. I bet she’s runs that show.

I've "coaxed" for 25 years and no luck. Why should I have to coax when I make more money than he does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SHould I divorce my wife for not contributing the family income? such an unfair division of labor.

You chose poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually divorced my husband because of this. I lost so much respect for him over the years as I took on more and more of the household

responsibilities and that led to other problems. I also worked full time and he would sit on his computer while I mowed the lawn, paid the bills, basically did it all. The result of him becoming increasingly emasculated and he would complain about how I was always so tired and never seemed to have time for him. I explained that I wouldn’t be so tired if he took on some of the chores- he would for a few days but would almost immediately revert back to his old ways.

He’s since remarried to a very submissive woman and he now mows the lawn and fixes things around his house. I think it’s great that he finally started contributing. My world didn’t change when he moved out, in fact my household chores became less. Win-win.

Why do you say she is submissive?

I think women are so caught up with being men that they forget their power is in their femininity. The way tog st men to do stuff around the house isn’t yelling etc. it’s coaxing. Obviously she’s done this right, she has him doing things despite the fact you think she’s submissive. I bet she’s runs that show.

I've "coaxed" for 25 years and no luck. Why should I have to coax when I make more money than he does?

"Coaxing" is a waste of time. ANd then you will be berated for "not being communicative" and told that "men aren't mind readers- just be direct!"

The game is rigged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pick better men to marry. they are out there for sure.

They clearly aren't. At least not enough of them for all the women who want to marry.

This is a joke. Dc is a known terrible place to date and whoever commented about being UMC and educated, well tons of UMC and educated women have trouble dating in DC. I’m both and so are all of my friends and we all carry the laboring oar and emotional load with running the household and taking care of kids. I’m not sure that any of the suggestions on this thread are going to fix it and it’s very frustrating. And yes we all also work at law firms and medical practices and the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope to never meet anyone in real life who uses the word “heteronormative”. That said, I agree that many couples need a fairer division of labor.

Why?

Because she doesn't like reminders that other people have graduate degrees, and she does not.

[Anonymous]

If you can possibly afford it, a cleaner and other outsourcing is cheaper than a divorce. But the spirit of it sucls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the casual attitude toward divorce is awful. The advice should be to marry a man who agrees with your clear expectations on these things. Marry a man who will talk things through, is a good listener, will compromise, and isn't selfish. Marry a feminist. Not "lose your kids for 50% of the time and show them it's okay to walk away when things get hard despite no abuse." Y'all are f'ing up your kids.

I am not recommending my kids get married. It is not worth it. Also, my ex was none of those things (he would not compromise, was selfish and barely spoke to me). It is not okay to stay in a marriage that is lopsided or miserable. That is bad for kids. Showing them that it is okay to put your needs first is the most valuable thing I can do. I was raised the opposite and look where I ended up (getting into a marriage that was not good from the start (and had a lot of pressure to marry) and staying due to pressure to stay....um, wrong.). There is a difference between marriages with love and ups and downs than a marriage where there is no respect or caring or love--then you leave.

As a young woman I think all the time if I ever want to get married. Based on how many of the men (and women) on here talk about marriage, I'm leaning towards no. It seems to me there is that expectation that when a woman marries she becomes a kind of house slave or servant, and she should be OH SO GRATEFUL if a man even picks up his socks at the end of the day, or, as many argued yesterday on the mothers day thread, be grateful for receiving one stale donut on Mother's Day.

it just seems so degrading and horrible, why would anyone sign up for it? Especially when we now have other options like sperm donors. You will still have to do some household work but at least you won't be constantly disrespected by a manbaby. Just really struggling to see the upside given the dynamic of an overwhelming number of marriages

FWIW I’m guessing most of the moms on this board promoting divorce have kids who are in high school or college. Please do not underestimate how incredibly hard it is to raise newborns/toddlers by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually divorced my husband because of this. I lost so much respect for him over the years as I took on more and more of the household responsibilities and that led to other problems. I also worked full time and he would sit on his computer while I mowed the lawn, paid the bills, basically did it all. The result of him becoming increasingly emasculated and he would complain about how I was always so tired and never seemed to have time for him. I explained that I wouldn’t be so tired if he took on some of the chores- he would for a few days but would almost immediately revert back to his old ways.

He’s since remarried to a very submissive woman and he now mows the lawn and fixes things around his house. I think it’s great that he finally started contributing. My world didn’t change when he moved out, in fact my household chores became less. Win-win.

He is doing more chores for the submissive woman? And he was lazing around when he was married to you? Who is the sucker I ask?

He is married and you are alone. He is happy, you are not. He is probably getting more sex too...

In every which way, his life has improved. The problem seem to be you.

[Anonymous]

Having come from a culture where having domestic help is a given for even families with modest means, I would rather live in a small house and drive an old 2nd hand car, but make sure that I have a cleaning lady.

A cleaning service is cheaper than a divorce.