Divorcing husband for not contributing to household chores

[Anonymous]

"Division of labor imbalances in marriage are a form of spousal abuse...make him earn his right to stay married or divorce his a**."
A female friend of mine shared this.. what do you guys think?

[Anonymous]

I'm super thankful that DH is an equal when it comes to household/family stuff. But some of that is because I'm really laid back about how he handles a lot of things. My mom was super uptight and things had to be done her way. If they weren't (and usually it involved reading her mind), she would be grumpy, passive aggressive, and sometimes just yell. Eventually my brother and I just developed a "why bother" attitude around a lot of our chores because mom would do them anyways because we didn't do them to her standards. My dad didn't have a lot of household responsibilities because of this, but he worked and handled a lot of our extra curricular activities.

If you want someone to be an equal and do their part in the household/family stuff, you also have to let them do it how they want to do it. Otherwise that builds up resentment too.

[Anonymous]

Sure, the solution here is for the women to take more action.

[Anonymous]

I actually divorced my husband because of this. I lost so much respect for him over the years as I took on more and more of the household responsibilities and that led to other problems. I also worked full time and he would sit on his computer while I mowed the lawn, paid the bills, basically did it all. The result of him becoming increasingly emasculated and he would complain about how I was always so tired and never seemed to have time for him. I explained that I wouldn’t be so tired if he took on some of the chores- he would for a few days but would almost immediately revert back to his old ways.

He’s since remarried to a very submissive woman and he now mows the lawn and fixes things around his house. I think it’s great that he finally started contributing. My world didn’t change when he moved out, in fact my household chores became less. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

I hope to never meet anyone in real life who uses the word “heteronormative”. That said, I agree that many couples need a fairer division of labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope to never meet anyone in real life who uses the word “heteronormative”. That said, I agree that many couples need a fairer division of labor.

Why?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why one *wouldn't* divorce over this assuming both spouses work. Isn’t this like the most basic aspect of a partnership?

[Anonymous]

Cheaper to hire a cleaner. It does kick the can.

[Anonymous]

Mine kind of sucks with chores but he does his own laundry, does half the parenting, handles car stuff, yard stuff, etc. So I really don’t want to be a hall monitor with crumbs on the counter or divorce him for these traits when he’s a good person and supports me in everything I do, especially with my career.

[Anonymous]

For most of recent history, women did all of the chores around the house (or servants did), but they did not do paid work and they were not in a position to support themselves if they divorced. The bargain is completely different now. Men who expect women to live in the modern world but with a premodern division of labor deserve to be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that men can find a replacement partner after a divorce much easier than a single mom can. I’d hesitate to divorce on the notion I can just get a new husband. At least if I’m doing all the work I can spend his money.

[Anonymous]

2 mom family here but I am definitely the primary parent. For me it’s not the division of chores or tasks that’s the problem, it’s the mental load that goes into everything. School, camp appts, activities, etc etc... I can ask my wife to do anything and she will but the thought process that goes into it is all me and that’s what I find exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For most of recent history, women did all of the chores around the house (or servants did), but they did not do paid work and they were not in a position to support themselves if they divorced. The bargain is completely different now. Men who expect women to live in the modern world but with a premodern division of labor deserve to be disappointed.

So true.

[Anonymous]

I agree with it. Wish I had left earlier than I did. XH expected me to do all the household work, take care of an infant, while also working (without childcare, because it’s a “waste” of money), making 6 figures, AND he wanted me to hand my money over to him to handle, no questions asked. All with zero breaks - one time he found out I had taken a short walk after running errands while he was watching DC, and he flipped out.

I eventually stopped doing any housework at all because I was sick of doing all of it and being micromanaged. He grew more and more angry and we divorced.

And the PP who thinks it’s easier for men to find someone after divorce - it’s not. I’ve had way more luck than my xH. But honestly, I’ve chosen not to remarry or enter a serious relationship because I don’t feel like taking care of grown men anymore. I just don’t see what the benefit of marriage is for me anymore. I can find friendship, companionship, sex, romance, etc without giving away my labor.

[Anonymous]

Yup. We went to marital counseling over this. The main reason I didn't just divorce at the time is that he would have got joint custody and then my kids would be living in filth 50% of the time while I still did all the logistics. But I was kicking myself because the red flags were there before we married, and definitely before we had kids. I should have addressed it then.

After a rough few years, we are in a good place now. We have an agreed division of labor. Covid has actually helped, because he sees more of what goes into keeping things running and probably also because we have less going on to keep track of.