SIL is really obtuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should moms and dad wash their hands of their kids with anorexia, bulimia, obesity? It is self-inflicted after all!

Parents have a different obligation than siblings. Parents choose to have children. Children don't choose to have siblings.

Yet, my 21 year old told me that if anything happened to his sister, who has severe mental health issues, he could not keep living. But, allegedly they hate each other. I bet you if you needed help you would be crying wolf left and right. Such people that drain other people are usually never ready to return the favor. You are a cold-hearted bitch.

Interesting choice of the b-word. How did you come to assume my gender identity? That really goes to show the gender bias against women who enforce boundaries to protect their family and finances. You also contradict yourself by conflating not being willing to help with 'draining other people'. You think if the OP needed help from the SIL and her DH's brother, they would fly in and help them? Unlikely and so many threads on DCUM complain about doing favors for friends and family and yet there is nothing to enforce reciprocity. So perhaps you need to look inward and figure out why you're so wound up PP. Maybe you do a lot for family in the hopes that someday they'll put out for you but deep down, you know it's not going to happen?

Nope, my family does a ton for me, I do a lot for my family, my nuclear and my family of origin. It is never one or the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep referring to him as ‘SIL’s DH’ instead of your husband’s brother? I don’t think she is unreasonable at all in asking her husband’s brother to come help him get treatment. I think it is totally reasonable to decline at this time because traveling during a pandemic is risky, but she isn’t ‘obtuse’ for the request! Hopefully in a few months your DH will get vaccinated and he can fly out and help then.

By then, maybe the SIL and BIL would be divorced. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should moms and dad wash their hands of their kids with anorexia, bulimia, obesity? It is self-inflicted after all!

Parents have a different obligation than siblings. Parents choose to have children. Children don't choose to have siblings.

Yet, my 21 year old told me that if anything happened to his sister, who has severe mental health issues, he could not keep living. But, allegedly they hate each other. I bet you if you needed help you would be crying wolf left and right. Such people that drain other people are usually never ready to return the favor. You are a cold-hearted bitch.

Interesting choice of the b-word. How did you come to assume my gender identity? That really goes to show the gender bias against women who enforce boundaries to protect their family and finances. You also contradict yourself by conflating not being willing to help with 'draining other people'. You think if the OP needed help from the SIL and her DH's brother, they would fly in and help them? Unlikely and so many threads on DCUM complain about doing favors for friends and family and yet there is nothing to enforce reciprocity. So perhaps you need to look inward and figure out why you're so wound up PP. Maybe you do a lot for family in the hopes that someday they'll put out for you but deep down, you know it's not going to happen?

Nope, my family does a ton for me, I do a lot for my family, my nuclear and my family of origin. It is never one or the other.

You’re missing the point. The brother in this OP is a taker. People with addictions are very high maintenance and never can help anyone else. Why should op and her husband bend backwards? You tell us?

[Anonymous]

Asking him to fly during COVID?
Ummmmm
Hell
No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP was a man, I don't think the responses here would be so against her. Women expect other women to help them with their battles but that's just too much obligation to take on.

I do r know about you, but I want a man that will help his family, because it reflects on how he will help our family. Life gets tough sometimes, and you should just suddenly age out of loving people.

Then again, I don't compete for love, either, like so many here seem to. I know he can love his family and me too, because love is like a magic penny.

Oh aren’t you peachy? You have no clue about addiction and flying all the way there risking Covid is not gonna stop an alcoholic who has to be involuntaryly sent to rehab.
But you keep feeling superior!

[Anonymous]

She's asking her husband's brother to step in and helr?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. SIL's DH is a narcissistic alcoholic who doesn't want to check himself in and she has been his enabler for years. She talks a lot about ending the marriage but is codependent and he manipulates her a lot. It's not like she didn't know who she was marrying. The affidavits would carry more weight from her sister and her sister's husband as they have dealt directly with SIL and DH's brother and know their problems first-hand (plus, the sister's husband is actual local law enforcement). My family of origin would know better than to involve me or DH in any problems. I don't know why people here get the impression that SIL's DH is going to die if his brother doesn't show up. That's NOT the case. He's probably just going to continue drinking. This isn't cancer or a true medical emergency. And SIL telling us that DH needs to spend time and money to get his brother sober is ridiculous on her part.

Wow. You have a lot to learn about alcoholism. It's absolutely deadly. And nothing here changes anything that anyone in this thread said.

Are you nuts? No one is forcing the guy to drink. What happened to personal responsibility?

The claim was that it's not deadly, not that someone is forcing him to drink. Yes, it is deadly. Yes, it can be a "true medical emergency."

Does your husband care about his brother? I don't understand what her family has to do with this. If my sister's husband had a problem that's my sister's husband's family's problem. I would encourage my sister to leave and let his family deal with it. This is regardless of my career choice.

I've dealt with people with addiction problems. In the end it was their family who took care of them once the spouse and kids left.

His wife is his enabler. I would tell her that if she wants my help that she has to step back and let me do things my way. My uncle saved my other uncle in a very similar fashion about 25 years ago. His wife had left, they had no kids. My uncle went to the Midwest to save our family member.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL wants her husband's brother to fly to her city and help his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. SIL's DH is a narcissistic alcoholic who doesn't want to check himself in and she has been his enabler for years. She talks a lot about ending the marriage but is codependent and he manipulates her a lot. It's not like she didn't know who she was marrying. The affidavits would carry more weight from her sister and her sister's husband as they have dealt directly with SIL and DH's brother and know their problems first-hand (plus, the sister's husband is actual local law enforcement). My family of origin would know better than to involve me or DH in any problems. I don't know why people here get the impression that SIL's DH is going to die if his brother doesn't show up. That's NOT the case. He's probably just going to continue drinking. This isn't cancer or a true medical emergency. And SIL telling us that DH needs to spend time and money to get his brother sober is ridiculous on her part.

Wow. You have a lot to learn about alcoholism. It's absolutely deadly. And nothing here changes anything that anyone in this thread said.

Are you nuts? No one is forcing the guy to drink. What happened to personal responsibility?

The claim was that it's not deadly, not that someone is forcing him to drink. Yes, it is deadly. Yes, it can be a "true medical emergency."

Does your husband care about his brother? I don't understand what her family has to do with this. If my sister's husband had a problem that's my sister's husband's family's problem. I would encourage my sister to leave and let his family deal with it. This is regardless of my career choice.

I've dealt with people with addiction problems. In the end it was their family who took care of them once the spouse and kids left.

His wife is his enabler. I would tell her that if she wants my help that she has to step back and let me do things my way. My uncle saved my other uncle in a very similar fashion about 25 years ago. His wife had left, they had no kids. My uncle went to the Midwest to save our family member.

OP here. You all don’t know what my husband has gone through with his brother’s problems in the past. Bailing him out of jail several times for his DUIs, ferrying him to AA, taking him into his home (before we married) etc. and it really hasn’t helped at all. Now DH has wised up and taken the tough love approach thanks to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional household so I’m very big on boundaries. I just don’t like problematic people and I don’t care if they share DNA with my husband.

[Anonymous]

This is entirely beside the point, but the use of “obtuse” here just seems wrong. SIL knows what she’s asking. Maybe “entitled” or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. SIL's DH is a narcissistic alcoholic who doesn't want to check himself in and she has been his enabler for years. She talks a lot about ending the marriage but is codependent and he manipulates her a lot. It's not like she didn't know who she was marrying. The affidavits would carry more weight from her sister and her sister's husband as they have dealt directly with SIL and DH's brother and know their problems first-hand (plus, the sister's husband is actual local law enforcement). My family of origin would know better than to involve me or DH in any problems. I don't know why people here get the impression that SIL's DH is going to die if his brother doesn't show up. That's NOT the case. He's probably just going to continue drinking. This isn't cancer or a true medical emergency. And SIL telling us that DH needs to spend time and money to get his brother sober is ridiculous on her part.

Wow. You have a lot to learn about alcoholism. It's absolutely deadly. And nothing here changes anything that anyone in this thread said.

Are you nuts? No one is forcing the guy to drink. What happened to personal responsibility?

The claim was that it's not deadly, not that someone is forcing him to drink. Yes, it is deadly. Yes, it can be a "true medical emergency."

Does your husband care about his brother? I don't understand what her family has to do with this. If my sister's husband had a problem that's my sister's husband's family's problem. I would encourage my sister to leave and let his family deal with it. This is regardless of my career choice.

I've dealt with people with addiction problems. In the end it was their family who took care of them once the spouse and kids left.

His wife is his enabler. I would tell her that if she wants my help that she has to step back and let me do things my way. My uncle saved my other uncle in a very similar fashion about 25 years ago. His wife had left, they had no kids. My uncle went to the Midwest to save our family member.

OP here. You all don’t know what my husband has gone through with his brother’s problems in the past. Bailing him out of jail several times for his DUIs, ferrying him to AA, taking him into his home (before we married) etc. and it really hasn’t helped at all. Now DH has wised up and taken the tough love approach thanks to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional household so I’m very big on boundaries. I just don’t like problematic people and I don’t care if they share DNA with my husband.

It sounds like you need help from a professional who can help you navigate through this.
I don't think your SIL is being obtuse though, I think she is just asking for help for her husband from his brother. I cannot imagine my husband's sister helping me if I were in your BIL's shoes, I would want my sibling to help me. Or vice versa. I think we owe that much to our siblings.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're the one being obtuse. Your SIL needs help. Your husband is the right person to help her with his brother. I can't imagine standing between my husband and his brother. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're the one being obtuse. Your SIL needs help. Your husband is the right person to help her with his brother. I can't imagine standing between my husband and his brother. Wow.

Don’t feed the troll. What would addicts do without enabling relatives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. SIL's DH is a narcissistic alcoholic who doesn't want to check himself in and she has been his enabler for years. She talks a lot about ending the marriage but is codependent and he manipulates her a lot. It's not like she didn't know who she was marrying. The affidavits would carry more weight from her sister and her sister's husband as they have dealt directly with SIL and DH's brother and know their problems first-hand (plus, the sister's husband is actual local law enforcement). My family of origin would know better than to involve me or DH in any problems. I don't know why people here get the impression that SIL's DH is going to die if his brother doesn't show up. That's NOT the case. He's probably just going to continue drinking. This isn't cancer or a true medical emergency. And SIL telling us that DH needs to spend time and money to get his brother sober is ridiculous on her part.

Wow. You have a lot to learn about alcoholism. It's absolutely deadly. And nothing here changes anything that anyone in this thread said.

Are you nuts? No one is forcing the guy to drink. What happened to personal responsibility?

The claim was that it's not deadly, not that someone is forcing him to drink. Yes, it is deadly. Yes, it can be a "true medical emergency."

Does your husband care about his brother? I don't understand what her family has to do with this. If my sister's husband had a problem that's my sister's husband's family's problem. I would encourage my sister to leave and let his family deal with it. This is regardless of my career choice.

I've dealt with people with addiction problems. In the end it was their family who took care of them once the spouse and kids left.

His wife is his enabler. I would tell her that if she wants my help that she has to step back and let me do things my way. My uncle saved my other uncle in a very similar fashion about 25 years ago. His wife had left, they had no kids. My uncle went to the Midwest to save our family member.

OP here. You all don’t know what my husband has gone through with his brother’s problems in the past. Bailing him out of jail several times for his DUIs, ferrying him to AA, taking him into his home (before we married) etc. and it really hasn’t helped at all. Now DH has wised up and taken the tough love approach thanks to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional household so I’m very big on boundaries. I just don’t like problematic people and I don’t care if they share DNA with my husband.

It sounds like you need help from a professional who can help you navigate through this.
I don't think your SIL is being obtuse though, I think she is just asking for help for her husband from his brother. I cannot imagine my husband's sister helping me if I were in your BIL's shoes, I would want my sibling to help me. Or vice versa. I think we owe that much to our siblings.

No one owes anyone anything. The sister lives 5 miles from the SIL. It makes way more sense for her or her husband to sign something for the alcoholic than for his brother to pay for a flight and be out of time and money. The sister could decline to help the SIL but it’s unlikely given that they live so close. The alcoholic isn’t asking for help, the wife is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. SIL's DH is a narcissistic alcoholic who doesn't want to check himself in and she has been his enabler for years. She talks a lot about ending the marriage but is codependent and he manipulates her a lot. It's not like she didn't know who she was marrying. The affidavits would carry more weight from her sister and her sister's husband as they have dealt directly with SIL and DH's brother and know their problems first-hand (plus, the sister's husband is actual local law enforcement). My family of origin would know better than to involve me or DH in any problems. I don't know why people here get the impression that SIL's DH is going to die if his brother doesn't show up. That's NOT the case. He's probably just going to continue drinking. This isn't cancer or a true medical emergency. And SIL telling us that DH needs to spend time and money to get his brother sober is ridiculous on her part.

Wow. You have a lot to learn about alcoholism. It's absolutely deadly. And nothing here changes anything that anyone in this thread said.

Are you nuts? No one is forcing the guy to drink. What happened to personal responsibility?

The claim was that it's not deadly, not that someone is forcing him to drink. Yes, it is deadly. Yes, it can be a "true medical emergency."

Does your husband care about his brother? I don't understand what her family has to do with this. If my sister's husband had a problem that's my sister's husband's family's problem. I would encourage my sister to leave and let his family deal with it. This is regardless of my career choice.

I've dealt with people with addiction problems. In the end it was their family who took care of them once the spouse and kids left.

His wife is his enabler. I would tell her that if she wants my help that she has to step back and let me do things my way. My uncle saved my other uncle in a very similar fashion about 25 years ago. His wife had left, they had no kids. My uncle went to the Midwest to save our family member.

OP here. You all don’t know what my husband has gone through with his brother’s problems in the past. Bailing him out of jail several times for his DUIs, ferrying him to AA, taking him into his home (before we married) etc. and it really hasn’t helped at all. Now DH has wised up and taken the tough love approach thanks to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional household so I’m very big on boundaries. I just don’t like problematic people and I don’t care if they share DNA with my husband.

It sounds like you need help from a professional who can help you navigate through this.
I don't think your SIL is being obtuse though, I think she is just asking for help for her husband from his brother. I cannot imagine my husband's sister helping me if I were in your BIL's shoes, I would want my sibling to help me. Or vice versa. I think we owe that much to our siblings.

No one owes anyone anything. The sister lives 5 miles from the SIL. It makes way more sense for her or her husband to sign something for the alcoholic than for his brother to pay for a flight and be out of time and money. The sister could decline to help the SIL but it’s unlikely given that they live so close. The alcoholic isn’t asking for help, the wife is.

Think about what you are saying. Why would that make more sense?

I could care less about my sister's husband. I care about my sister. If my sister divorced her husband today I would likely never talk to the dude the again. My sister has a loving relationship with her husband and I still feel this way. I'm certain my sister feels this way about my husband whom I have a loving relationship with. My brother in law is simply my sister's husband and if they are no longer married I could care less

I would think his own family would have a vested interest in his health regardless of distance.

If the OPs husband doesn't want to help them he should just say no but to call the SIL obtuse and to complain about what some strangers (the SIL and bil) are doing is not right.