SIL is really obtuse

[Anonymous]

SIL lives 5 miles from her own sister and BIL and yet wants DH (brothers with her DH) to fly all the way to her city in a different region to submit an affidavit with her in person so that her husband can be ordered to undergo inpatient treatment for alcoholism. Apparently, she doesn’t want to ask her sis or BIL because “then, they’ll have to take a day off work”. I’ve told DH that she’s making it more complicated than it needs to be and he needs to stay put and not travel during a pandemic. The logic of SIL just baffles me. DH agrees with me but feels awkward about saying no. Shall I just tell her myself that she is inconveniencing us at her expense?

[Anonymous]

Yes, she’s making it awkward, but it’s also a his brother, who he likely cares about.she’s not inconveniencing anyone. She asking for help for dealing with YOUR HUSBANDS BROTHER. He needs help. Let your DH help.

[Anonymous]

No. De-escalate. Don't give reasons -- reasons are just hooks on which to hang further arguing.

First, think about whether you really want to stay uninvolved. Are you absolutely certain?

If you are absolutely certain about the choice, then practice some non-committal and vague phrases like:
- We can't do that.
- That isn't going to work.
- We can't make that work.
- That's not an option, but we wish you well.

If you give a reason, that's a problem for her to fix. If you respond immediately, it's just going to ramp her up. De-escalate. Respond after a delay, and don't respond with specifics. Wait it out.

[Anonymous]

It’s dh’s brother. I’d let him decide how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

No, because we're in a pandemic and travel is NOT SAFE (cue all the idiots who didn't have symptoms and claim travel is fine - it's not, because of asymptomatic cases).

Otherwise, if she felt more comfortable with a particular person, or if somehow more weight was given to the opinion of a blood relative of the patient, I'd try to accommodate that as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she’s making it awkward, but it’s also a his brother, who he likely cares about.she’s not inconveniencing anyone. She asking for help for dealing with YOUR HUSBANDS BROTHER. He needs help. Let your DH help.

But OP’s DH first responsibility is to his wife. His brother needs to deal with his own issues by himself or his own wife. What if This guy was an only child? Who would this obtuse woman turn to then? I vote letting SIL know she’s being obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she’s making it awkward, but it’s also a his brother, who he likely cares about.she’s not inconveniencing anyone. She asking for help for dealing with YOUR HUSBANDS BROTHER. He needs help. Let your DH help.

Treatment has to be voluntary. People choose to be alcoholic and they can also choose to be sober.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s dh’s brother. I’d let him decide how to handle this.

+1 support your husband in whatever he decides.

[Anonymous]

SIL or BIL are not your business! They are your DH's. Get the memo that some OP screamed all over this forum.
Funny, many chimed in agreeing, yet here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she’s making it awkward, but it’s also a his brother, who he likely cares about.she’s not inconveniencing anyone. She asking for help for dealing with YOUR HUSBANDS BROTHER. He needs help. Let your DH help.

+1 Your husband may be the better person to do it, OP. Your SIL is between a rock and a hard place. Please be the bigger person and help her by agreeing that your husband should go.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is his own person. He needs to decide if he's going to spend money on a round trip cross country ticket to fly during a pandemic while taking a day off from work to go do something that someone local could do instead.

It's not your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she’s making it awkward, but it’s also a his brother, who he likely cares about.she’s not inconveniencing anyone. She asking for help for dealing with YOUR HUSBANDS BROTHER. He needs help. Let your DH help.

+1 Your husband may be the better person to do it, OP. Your SIL is between a rock and a hard place. Please be the bigger person and help her by agreeing that your husband should go.

I get the feeling that SIL is the kind to ask a lot of favors and be in perpetual crisis. Team OP. Also how does OP know if SIL doesn’t have nefarious intentions toward her husband?

[Anonymous]

But, BIL is not obtuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is his own person. He needs to decide if he's going to spend money on a round trip cross country ticket to fly during a pandemic while taking a day off from work to go do something that someone local could do instead.

It's not your place.

OP has every right to put her foot down on this. Too big an ask when it involves times, energy, and money. Resources that ought to be directed to OP and kids.

[Anonymous]

If she didn’t have local family who could help, maybe I’d consider it but her excuse - that they would have to take a day off work - isn’t cutting it. Because traveling by older to a different region is definitely an inconvenience, and unsafe during a pandemic.