SIL is really obtuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is his own person. He needs to decide if he's going to spend money on a round trip cross country ticket to fly during a pandemic while taking a day off from work to go do something that someone local could do instead.

It's not your place.

OP has every right to put her foot down on this. Too big an ask when it involves times, energy, and money. Resources that ought to be directed to OP and kids.

Dp. But I thought each person was responsible for their own family? As the other thread indicated you should stay in your own lane especially if op's dh agreed.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP again. SIL's DH is a narcissistic alcoholic who doesn't want to check himself in and she has been his enabler for years. She talks a lot about ending the marriage but is codependent and he manipulates her a lot. It's not like she didn't know who she was marrying. The affidavits would carry more weight from her sister and her sister's husband as they have dealt directly with SIL and DH's brother and know their problems first-hand (plus, the sister's husband is actual local law enforcement). My family of origin would know better than to involve me or DH in any problems. I don't know why people here get the impression that SIL's DH is going to die if his brother doesn't show up. That's NOT the case. He's probably just going to continue drinking. This isn't cancer or a true medical emergency. And SIL telling us that DH needs to spend time and money to get his brother sober is ridiculous on her part.

Wow. You have a lot to learn about alcoholism. It's absolutely deadly. And nothing here changes anything that anyone in this thread said.

Are you nuts? No one is forcing the guy to drink. What happened to personal responsibility?

The claim was that it's not deadly, not that someone is forcing him to drink. Yes, it is deadly. Yes, it can be a "true medical emergency."

Does your husband care about his brother? I don't understand what her family has to do with this. If my sister's husband had a problem that's my sister's husband's family's problem. I would encourage my sister to leave and let his family deal with it. This is regardless of my career choice.

I've dealt with people with addiction problems. In the end it was their family who took care of them once the spouse and kids left.

His wife is his enabler. I would tell her that if she wants my help that she has to step back and let me do things my way. My uncle saved my other uncle in a very similar fashion about 25 years ago. His wife had left, they had no kids. My uncle went to the Midwest to save our family member.

OP here. You all don’t know what my husband has gone through with his brother’s problems in the past. Bailing him out of jail several times for his DUIs, ferrying him to AA, taking him into his home (before we married) etc. and it really hasn’t helped at all. Now DH has wised up and taken the tough love approach thanks to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional household so I’m very big on boundaries. I just don’t like problematic people and I don’t care if they share DNA with my husband.

It sounds like you need help from a professional who can help you navigate through this.
I don't think your SIL is being obtuse though, I think she is just asking for help for her husband from his brother. I cannot imagine my husband's sister helping me if I were in your BIL's shoes, I would want my sibling to help me. Or vice versa. I think we owe that much to our siblings.

No one owes anyone anything. The sister lives 5 miles from the SIL. It makes way more sense for her or her husband to sign something for the alcoholic than for his brother to pay for a flight and be out of time and money. The sister could decline to help the SIL but it’s unlikely given that they live so close. The alcoholic isn’t asking for help, the wife is.

Think about what you are saying. Why would that make more sense?

I could care less about my sister's husband. I care about my sister. If my sister divorced her husband today I would likely never talk to the dude the again. My sister has a loving relationship with her husband and I still feel this way. I'm certain my sister feels this way about my husband whom I have a loving relationship with. My brother in law is simply my sister's husband and if they are no longer married I could care less

I would think his own family would have a vested interest in his health regardless of distance.

If the OPs husband doesn't want to help them he should just say no but to call the SIL obtuse and to complain about what some strangers (the SIL and bil) are doing is not right.

Now you are being obtuse. If the SIL calls up her sister and says, you’re 5 miles from me, I need you to come down to sign something so you can help put my idiot alcoholic husband in rehab....it’s a much smaller ask than getting the brother of said husband to travel all the way. It’s the same outcome but different levels of effort and guess what? COVID 19 is still ongoing. They’re still married. Now if SIL had divorced the alcoholic, then perhaps you can make the argument that SIL can only count on the OP’s husband. But they’re all still in-laws in the same area. And the sister should have a vested interest in the BIL (alcoholic husband of her sister) because they live together as husband and wife. Whatever problems they have will visit on the her doorstep, not the OP’s.

[Anonymous]

SIL sounds like a typical ebabler. She's not willing to draw her own boundaries with her DH that will cost her discomfort. Likely the local sister knows better than to get involved with that toxic mess (prob by bitter experience). Now SIL is reeling in the OP's family and set them up for future blame. No one can fix an addict. He has to want it for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL sounds like a typical ebabler. She's not willing to draw her own boundaries with her DH that will cost her discomfort. Likely the local sister knows better than to get involved with that toxic mess (prob by bitter experience). Now SIL is reeling in the OP's family and set them up for future blame. No one can fix an addict. He has to want it for himself.

*enabler

[Anonymous]

Either OP doesn’t have the foggiest idea what “obtuse” means, or I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either OP doesn’t have the foggiest idea what “obtuse” means, or I don’t.

I know people like the SIL. They're really dumb. How else did she get involved with an alcoholic?