How do 2 full time working parents make it work

[Anonymous]

She still has a condescending attitude, stereotyping American kids as vaping and sexting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She still has a condescending attitude, stereotyping American kids as vaping and sexting.

Her kids are American too. Stop other-ing people of color, Karen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live with us.

We also have a cleaning woman who comes twice a week. And we have a woman who cooks and does meal prep for us, once a week. I have a person who also picks up our groceries and does outside errands. I also have a lawn/landscaping guy and another person who is my general contractor for any construction and repair work. I pay the first three anywhere from $25-30 an hour. The others are based on projects.

I also pay for some extras like coffee/tes/meals, gas, hand sanitizers, gloves, masks, and flu shots for their entire family as well as holiday bonuses. Finally All of this does not cost me more than $15K per year. Plus my parents are there to keep an eye and this keeps them engaged and healthy, plus they are looked after because they are with us. The savings when you have a good team of staff is amazing and worthwhile.

Are your family from another country because this level of staff and parental help is not typical in the US, even amongst the upper middle class. Cleaning ladies, nannies and yard work yes, but the rest seems excessive.

No, my parents immigrated in the 50s as students. They have lived the majority of their lives here. I was born here. This level of staff and parental help is actually essential in the US (even if it is not typical for White people) if working moms want to continue to remain in the work-force. Its not as if the govt or corporate policies will change anytime soon to make it easier for parents and women!

Growing up, my parents managed to have careers and raised two kids without any support. Parenthood was hard because my mom and dad were forever doing the balancing act. I knew several things for myself - I wanted kids, I wanted a career, and I wanted to look after my parents. I wanted to do all of these three things well and I wanted to have a stress-free life. Having a large house with seperate space for my parents and for my own family, meant that we all could be together and supporting each other. Having a good amount of staffing support means that the logistics of running a home, of taking care of kids, of socializing (our friends, my parents friends), of taking care of health (ours, parents), of doing errands etc - does not become a burden on anyone. I am always on the lookout for people who can make our lives easier and have a black book of tried and tested service providers.

Of course, this works for our family only because we are functional and close-knit. We all appreciate each other and we all have our space and resources. We also know that if we had gone solo, we would not have had the advantages that pooling our resources have given us. We have never been more thankful about our setup than during this pandemic. As I watch working moms and dads struggle, especially now, I think that having a setup like ours is essential to not only survive but thrive.

So the answer would be yes, your family is from a different country.

This type of living situation would not work for many White Americans. Our HHI is $420,000 so we can afford outsourcing all the things that you outsource but we prefer to keep it minimal and have bimonthly cleaners and a lawn service. The rest we do ourselves. First, I want to model to our two children that being a functional adult is being able to have a job and manage the responsibilities that you outsource (groceries, cooking, errands, etc). I also prefer to save our money for my children's educational expenses (private school and college) and family travel. We take one international, one ski and one beach trip per year on average. DH and I are lucky to have our parents live pretty closeby so we are invovled in helping them (eg; take them to dr appointments, help them with downsizing to a condo, or if they have a minor surgery with groceries and such). They also help us by babysitting the kids if there is an issue with aftercare. So I guess everyone has different priorities and lifestyles that work for their family! Your attitude seemed a bit condescending and it rubbed me the wrong way to be honest.

No. My family is from this country and I am as American as you. Your racist attitude needs to be examined and hopefully your kids are not catching it from you.

My kids know how to clean, cook, sew, iron, run a home, etc, because they have seen all of this done at home and they have pitched in beautifully during the pandemic. They are also expected to do community work, EC activities and excel in school. They are not lounging around watching TV or vaping or sexting. They have learned how to have patience and respect for others because we are multi generational family living together and patience is needed for that to work. We also take international holidays and yes, we have the money and wealth to fund my kids education for tutors/coaches, college, grad/professional school and beyond. Fortunately my kids are in public magnet programs and so I do not have to pay for the private schools. Lovely that your HHI is $420K. DH and I make more than what you bring in. My parents are retired now but they have managed to save quite a bit of money. They donate a substantial amount to their favorite charities (which is not us! ). We have also taken care of the people who work for us because they have endured economic losses.

I don't have to schedule an appointment to do stuff for my parents and pat myself on the back thinking that I am helping them because I have helped them to downsize, buy them groceries, take them to Drs appointments. We are part of one household and everyone's needs and wants are met. We take care of each other through thick and thin. My parents are not isolated or vulnerable during this pandemic. We have endured well because we have each other. I don't understand why my answering the question asked in this thread rubbed you the wrong way? You need to ask yourself that question. Yes, there are cultural differences between each family. Nothing to do with my being a "foreigner" because I am not White. Maybe get your head out of your ass and seek the help of your therapist. If you don't like my answer feel free to ignore it. And quit being a racist, Karen.

Does your DH not have parents too? Or is it just about helping your parents in your ‘well adjusted, multigenerational family?’

NP. I’m loving all of these Karens triggered by a happy, successful 2nd gen immigrant.

I’m the PP who wrote these comments and I actually immigrated to the US as a kid. My DH is an American born child of immigrants. Sorry to disappoint you but I’m not a Karen.

[Anonymous]

And based on PP’s angry, rambling response to me, it seems like she was the one who was triggered!

[Anonymous]

Both of those rich bitches (daughter of immigrant non-white moneybags and white money bags) need to take their fight somewhere else and let us dual working parents with incomes only a fraction of theirs figure out how to deal with reality.

- non-white immigrant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of those rich bitches (daughter of immigrant non-white moneybags and white money bags) need to take their fight somewhere else and let us dual working parents with incomes only a fraction of theirs figure out how to deal with reality.

- non-white immigrant

Then the topic of this thread should have been "How do 2 full time working parents (with HHI less than x amount) make it work". Since that was not what was asked, you just have to grin and bear it.

Alternatively, try and understand that the model of having multigenerational families living together and pooling resources can solve your money, childcare and eldercare problems. Probably will help with your mental health issues too and make your family more relient against job loss, illness and other ups and downs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of those rich bitches (daughter of immigrant non-white moneybags and white money bags) need to take their fight somewhere else and let us dual working parents with incomes only a fraction of theirs figure out how to deal with reality.

- non-white immigrant

Then the topic of this thread should have been "How do 2 full time working parents (with HHI less than x amount) make it work". Since that was not what was asked, you just have to grin and bear it.

Alternatively, try and understand that the model of having multigenerational families living together and pooling resources can solve your money, childcare and eldercare problems. Probably will help with your mental health issues too and make your family more relient against job loss, illness and other ups and downs.

PP here. That's great it works for you (and I say it sincerely), but I don't want to live with my parents and they don't want to live with me. My ancestral cultural norms meant that the husband's mom lived with her son's family and ruled the roost...including physical abuse of her daughter-in-law. You as the DIL kowtowed to her completely and your job was to be subservient to her, your husband, and children. I don't choose that.

Also, my white husband's dad is dead, so he can't live with us, and my MIL hates non-white people and doesn't get along with women. So that rules out both of them living with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of those rich bitches (daughter of immigrant non-white moneybags and white money bags) need to take their fight somewhere else and let us dual working parents with incomes only a fraction of theirs figure out how to deal with reality.

- non-white immigrant

Then the topic of this thread should have been "How do 2 full time working parents (with HHI less than x amount) make it work". Since that was not what was asked, you just have to grin and bear it.

Alternatively, try and understand that the model of having multigenerational families living together and pooling resources can solve your money, childcare and eldercare problems. Probably will help with your mental health issues too and make your family more relient against job loss, illness and other ups and downs.

PP here. That's great it works for you (and I say it sincerely), but I don't want to live with my parents and they don't want to live with me. My ancestral cultural norms meant that the husband's mom lived with her son's family and ruled the roost...including physical abuse of her daughter-in-law. You as the DIL kowtowed to her completely and your job was to be subservient to her, your husband, and children. I don't choose that.

Also, my white husband's dad is dead, so he can't live with us, and my MIL hates non-white people and doesn't get along with women. So that rules out both of them living with us.

PP here. My guess is that your MIL doesn’t like you for other reasons, not those that you stated above. Of course it’s convenient for you to have your parents live with you...I knew you wouldn’t have the same generosity towards your inlaws. And then you go on and on about how multigenerational family living is the best model. You wouldn’t like it if you had a Chinese or Indian MIL living with you, would you? I just convenient because it’s your own parents and you get to benefit from it. And then you have the nerve to put other people down who don’t choose the same living arrangement for whatever reasons.

I’m happy with my arrangement. I love my family but don’t want my immigrant parents or inlaws living with me as long as they can take care of themselves. We are involved in their lives and they are involved with ours but not too close for comfort. Our children have a very close relationship with both sets of grandparents and we model the importance of family by always being there to help one another when we need it. And we don’t need to hire a ridiculously amount of ‘staff’ to help us run our household because we can easily handle it ourselves, with some cleaning and yard help.

Finally, I’m floored how you could stereotype all Asian MILs in that manner. You should examine your racist attitudes towards your own culture. Im not surprised though considering that you can’t even acknowledge your parents’ immigrant background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Are you paying for all this or are your parents contributing financially to the outsourcing? You seem to be saying both.

We bought our current house together with my parents after my dad had a health scare. DH and I, were in the market to buy a house but there was no way we could have hoped to buy this house - in size, neighborhood and school pyramid - at that point in our careers. All four of us were co-owners and we all contributed equally. We were able to pay off the mortgage in 15 years and bought out my parents share of the house at market price after a few years.

What do I pay for? I pay for all the outsourcing and the utilities. My parents pay for their things that they want or need - their car, insurance, part of the phone plans, subscriptions, meds, copay, vacations, their travelling and charitable work etc. My parents usually end up paying for groceries and for any entertaining they want to do. We discuss budget for family events etc and contribute appropriately. It all evens out. My parents don't have to pay us rent mainly because we don't need that economic support for us or for our kids education any more.

Does your DH not have parents too? Or is it just about helping your parents in your ‘well adjusted, multigenerational family?’

Yes. His parents live in a similar set-up in the west coast with his elder brother. My SIL has a huge career.

'Well adjusted, multigenerational family’ does not happen in a vacuum. There is a lot of give and take and patience required. Even if I don't live with my ILs, do you think my parents don't annoy me at times and vice versa? And when you have teens in the family, do you think that there are no clashes between them and everyone else? We have to teach ourselves patience, gratefulness and to not be selfish. We are very aware of what we have gained by being united.You have to do the cost-benefit analysis.

The truth is that as a POC family, we have to make sure that each member of the family and extended family is well supported until they are established and flourishing. No one else is going to do it for us. You can see how we are still seen as "foreigners" even though my kids are 3rd gen. I am asked to prove my "Americanness" because I am not White, even though I am born here. Meanwhile, in WH, a foreign-born non-college educated Melania who cannot string one sentence of English and hates 'fooking kreestmas" is playing Martha Stewart. But, whatever. Don't want to digress.

My youngest BIL and his wife stayed with us for three years so that my SIL could finish her education and start her career and so that they could save enough to put a down payment for a SFH. My younger sister was gifted the money by my parents for a down payment to their new house near us so that they could upgrade. Her ILs also stay with her. All of this is insurance in a way. I feel that in times of need, we have relatives who can support us. Hopefully, we will never be in that situation to need that support. We are not immune to misfortunes and bad decisions. But enough people around us are capable, functional to lend a helping hand. I have never appreciated this as much as I have during the pandemic. We are fiscally responsible people and we have created wealth and community for a better future for our family.

Don't want to derail this thread because this should have been a seperate S/O. Every single working mom in my family has been able to study, travel and work to further their careers effortlessly because logistical support and quality childcare has not been an issue in our family. There is enough parental, grandparental and uncle-aunty-cousin supervision for children to be on the straight and narrow. There is enough helping hands and sympathetic ears for the kids in the family to make sure they are ok.

I also don't disagree with another PP, who mentioned the toxic dynamics of the family cultures where DILs or elderly parents are mistreated and for them a "multi-generational" family will prove a torture. Family members need to truly understand the value and role of women in the workplace and do what is needed to help them to become educated and to succeed, so that the the entire family can be enriched. Our elders look out for not only our interests but the interests of the grandkids, siblings, relatives and beyond. They are the glue that help all of us not unravel. Their perspective is not as self-centered as ours. For them, everyone is family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of those rich bitches (daughter of immigrant non-white moneybags and white money bags) need to take their fight somewhere else and let us dual working parents with incomes only a fraction of theirs figure out how to deal with reality.

- non-white immigrant

Then the topic of this thread should have been "How do 2 full time working parents (with HHI less than x amount) make it work". Since that was not what was asked, you just have to grin and bear it.

Alternatively, try and understand that the model of having multigenerational families living together and pooling resources can solve your money, childcare and eldercare problems. Probably will help with your mental health issues too and make your family more relient against job loss, illness and other ups and downs.

PP here. That's great it works for you (and I say it sincerely), but I don't want to live with my parents and they don't want to live with me. My ancestral cultural norms meant that the husband's mom lived with her son's family and ruled the roost...including physical abuse of her daughter-in-law. You as the DIL kowtowed to her completely and your job was to be subservient to her, your husband, and children. I don't choose that.

Also, my white husband's dad is dead, so he can't live with us, and my MIL hates non-white people and doesn't get along with women. So that rules out both of them living with us.

PP here. My guess is that your MIL doesn’t like you for other reasons, not those that you stated above. Of course it’s convenient for you to have your parents live with you...I knew you wouldn’t have the same generosity towards your inlaws. And then you go on and on about how multigenerational family living is the best model. You wouldn’t like it if you had a Chinese or Indian MIL living with you, would you? I just convenient because it’s your own parents and you get to benefit from it. And then you have the nerve to put other people down who don’t choose the same living arrangement for whatever reasons.

I’m happy with my arrangement. I love my family but don’t want my immigrant parents or inlaws living with me as long as they can take care of themselves. We are involved in their lives and they are involved with ours but not too close for comfort. Our children have a very close relationship with both sets of grandparents and we model the importance of family by always being there to help one another when we need it. And we don’t need to hire a ridiculously amount of ‘staff’ to help us run our household because we can easily handle it ourselves, with some cleaning and yard help.

Finally, I’m floored how you could stereotype all Asian MILs in that manner. You should examine your racist attitudes towards your own culture. Im not surprised though considering that you can’t even acknowledge your parents’ immigrant background.

Loco lady, you are responding to two different posters and have your wires crossed. I am glad for your living arrangements because with your slow comprehension speed you would be a pain to live with. Bye, Karen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of those rich bitches (daughter of immigrant non-white moneybags and white money bags) need to take their fight somewhere else and let us dual working parents with incomes only a fraction of theirs figure out how to deal with reality.

- non-white immigrant

Then the topic of this thread should have been "How do 2 full time working parents (with HHI less than x amount) make it work". Since that was not what was asked, you just have to grin and bear it.

Alternatively, try and understand that the model of having multigenerational families living together and pooling resources can solve your money, childcare and eldercare problems. Probably will help with your mental health issues too and make your family more relient against job loss, illness and other ups and downs.

PP here. That's great it works for you (and I say it sincerely), but I don't want to live with my parents and they don't want to live with me. My ancestral cultural norms meant that the husband's mom lived with her son's family and ruled the roost...including physical abuse of her daughter-in-law. You as the DIL kowtowed to her completely and your job was to be subservient to her, your husband, and children. I don't choose that.

Also, my white husband's dad is dead, so he can't live with us, and my MIL hates non-white people and doesn't get along with women. So that rules out both of them living with us.

PP here. My guess is that your MIL doesn’t like you for other reasons, not those that you stated above. Of course it’s convenient for you to have your parents live with you...I knew you wouldn’t have the same generosity towards your inlaws. And then you go on and on about how multigenerational family living is the best model. You wouldn’t like it if you had a Chinese or Indian MIL living with you, would you? I just convenient because it’s your own parents and you get to benefit from it. And then you have the nerve to put other people down who don’t choose the same living arrangement for whatever reasons.

I’m happy with my arrangement. I love my family but don’t want my immigrant parents or inlaws living with me as long as they can take care of themselves. We are involved in their lives and they are involved with ours but not too close for comfort. Our children have a very close relationship with both sets of grandparents and we model the importance of family by always being there to help one another when we need it. And we don’t need to hire a ridiculously amount of ‘staff’ to help us run our household because we can easily handle it ourselves, with some cleaning and yard help.

Finally, I’m floored how you could stereotype all Asian MILs in that manner. You should examine your racist attitudes towards your own culture. Im not surprised though considering that you can’t even acknowledge your parents’ immigrant background.

What the fresh hell is this? Can you read? I am not the multigenerational household. I specifically said that I do NOT live with my parents, and that while my parents and I love each other, neither of us wants to live with the other. They live 9 hours away. My MIL has issues- calls Latinos sp*cs, Black people the N word and porch monkeys, Asians ch*nks, and gay people f*gs and d*kes. She had a very dysfunctional childhood and it's her own son- my husband- who says she doesn't like women.

I was replying to the multigenerational poster (again, who is NOT me) to let her know there are some reasons why multigenerational living isn't possible. I didn't say ALL Asian MILs are abusive- I said norms in MY culture have traditionally been dysfunctional, often times physically abusive.

Have some coffee; it'll help you wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live with us.

We also have a cleaning woman who comes twice a week. And we have a woman who cooks and does meal prep for us, once a week. I have a person who also picks up our groceries and does outside errands. I also have a lawn/landscaping guy and another person who is my general contractor for any construction and repair work. I pay the first three anywhere from $25-30 an hour. The others are based on projects.

I also pay for some extras like coffee/tes/meals, gas, hand sanitizers, gloves, masks, and flu shots for their entire family as well as holiday bonuses. Finally All of this does not cost me more than $15K per year. Plus my parents are there to keep an eye and this keeps them engaged and healthy, plus they are looked after because they are with us. The savings when you have a good team of staff is amazing and worthwhile.

Four adults in the home and you still outsource the cooking? How lazy are you?

It’s probably Indian cooking which takes a long time of you’re making it from scratch and not using those nasty jarred simmer sauces. There are plenty of Indian aunties that make a variety of homemade Indian foods for a reasonable price, so why shouldn’t PP buy it and save time? It’s not like their family is eating quick dinners like salmon and sautéed veggies in olive oil like Americans do.

Salmon and sautéed veggies is healthier than eating Indian auntie food daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Salmon and sautéed veggies is healthier than eating Indian auntie food daily.

Take it to the food forum. PSA - watch the tandoori salmon by Sanjeev Kapoor on YouTube. We take pride in delicious food and frankly have no problems adding butter to cook salmon.

[Anonymous]

OP, we do before care and adjust our hours so that one of us goes in later and the other one earlier.

Must be nice for those of you who have parents willing to live with you. My own parents would not be willing - they are very much "our house, our rules" people and they have openly stated they would only be willing to live with us if it continued to be that way. They're also not totally reliable... have promised support/help (not financial) in the past and then just decided not to do it. And didn't.

My MIL wasn't even willing to move to the same town as us - she chooses to live an hour away and we see her every few months. She has never even offered to watch the kids, much less combine households.

[Anonymous]

Good grief, this thread got so derailed.