What is your perspective on spanking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It shows kids that someone who loves them and cares for them can hit them. That's not something I want to teach my kids.

+1. I was spanked as a kid, but one thing I knew when I decided to have kids was that I would never hit them. And I never have. I think it's wrong, domineering, and shows a lack of self-control and parenting skills. It's totally asymmetrical and inappropriate to hit kids. Just send them to their room so everyone can cool off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. My dad spanked me once and he says immediately he saw a complete 180 in my personality. I basically withdrew from everyone and stopped talking to people permanently. I still have an avoidant attachment style. To this day, he'll cry if it gets brought up.

I took a TON of parenting classes and read so many books because I wanted to be an effective, kind, caring parent. I've never needed to resort to spanking (or really any kind of punishment).

I also did a lot of reflection on what I wanted out of parenting, and decided strict obedience isn't really a trait I care about. I had children to enrich my life, so I prefer happy times rather than the stress of getting another person to comply.

We live in an area that relies heavily on punishment for raising kids, and my kids are always the most well-behaved. It's actually very frustrating for me - the kids we play with that are punished the most are the ones who hurt my kids the most. My 5 yo DD has a couple friends who are ALWAYS getting spanked, and they have huge problems with hitting other kids. These same parents are always commenting on how calm my kids and me all are, and I've tried explaining better parenting techniques, but they don't listen.

So you’re still not talking to people? But in all seriousness, your attachment style didn’t arise from just one spanking. That’s just not how it works.

Actually, yes. I've always struggled with extreme distrust of people. It wasn't until my 30s (and after years of therapy) that I was able to maintain somewhat normal friendships. Up until then I just kept to myself, even though I wanted relationships with people.

And yes, there were other factors at play in creating my attachment style, but it all boils down to my parents were not safe for me to be around.

I understand that I'm an extreme case, but for me the risks far outweigh the benefits. It's not a parenting technique that is needed at all, there are far more effective ways.

I'm also not a fan of the "they'll turn out fine!" argument. Our standards for our children should be way higher than just "fine".

You are overly dramatic for being traumatized for one incident. That wasn't the issue. You got luck with easy kids (so did I) but it may or may not be your parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spank for repeated defiance, or the kind of situation where they’re not staying in timeout, or just not listening at all. It’s not in anger, we’ll usually go their room to do it and explain why they’re going to be spanked. Then they’re turned over the lap and spanked.

+1 the willful disobedience has consequences

So you do it in cold blood? Even the law recognizes the difference between premeditated murder and manslaughter.

Lol. I’m a cold blooded spanker!

There is actually nothing funny about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked, I would never spank my own kids.

+ 1 I certainly remember being spanked and my parents were great parents but it was done in the 60’s but I’ve never spanked my kids but I’ve certainly had the urge. More painful in my youth was being hit by the brothers at my catholic school. They should have been arrested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are smaller than you and they are dependent on you for everything. And you hit them.

Oh the drama

Did you want to dispute any of the above?

Not drama. Truth.

Your kids would tell you but they are afraid to.

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t spanked and we don’t spank either. I think it’s wrong and ineffective based on what I’ve read and I also think it shows a lack of parenting skills in that parents who resort to spanking don’t know a better way to teach their kids better behavior or get their kids to comply or whatever. There’s a reason it’s illegal to spank your kids in many countries throughout the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. My dad spanked me once and he says immediately he saw a complete 180 in my personality. I basically withdrew from everyone and stopped talking to people permanently. I still have an avoidant attachment style. To this day, he'll cry if it gets brought up.

I took a TON of parenting classes and read so many books because I wanted to be an effective, kind, caring parent. I've never needed to resort to spanking (or really any kind of punishment).

I also did a lot of reflection on what I wanted out of parenting, and decided strict obedience isn't really a trait I care about. I had children to enrich my life, so I prefer happy times rather than the stress of getting another person to comply.

We live in an area that relies heavily on punishment for raising kids, and my kids are always the most well-behaved. It's actually very frustrating for me - the kids we play with that are punished the most are the ones who hurt my kids the most. My 5 yo DD has a couple friends who are ALWAYS getting spanked, and they have huge problems with hitting other kids. These same parents are always commenting on how calm my kids and me all are, and I've tried explaining better parenting techniques, but they don't listen.

So you’re still not talking to people? But in all seriousness, your attachment style didn’t arise from just one spanking. That’s just not how it works.

Actually, yes. I've always struggled with extreme distrust of people. It wasn't until my 30s (and after years of therapy) that I was able to maintain somewhat normal friendships. Up until then I just kept to myself, even though I wanted relationships with people.

And yes, there were other factors at play in creating my attachment style, but it all boils down to my parents were not safe for me to be around.

I understand that I'm an extreme case, but for me the risks far outweigh the benefits. It's not a parenting technique that is needed at all, there are far more effective ways.

I'm also not a fan of the "they'll turn out fine!" argument. Our standards for our children should be way higher than just "fine".

You are overly dramatic for being traumatized for one incident. That wasn't the issue. You got luck with easy kids (so did I) but it may or may not be your parenting.

*shrug* I acknowledged I wasn't a typical case, so not sure why you think I'm being dramatic. My parents both report after that one incident, my personality completely changed. I don't know why that's so hard to believe. Even therapists confirmed that it had a large impact on me.

Maybe my kids are naturally easy, maybe not. There's really no way of telling since I don't have a version of them that wasn't raised by me. But like I said, I've taken a ton of parenting courses, and having all those tools has made everything way easier. Parenting is the most important thing a person will ever do, so to me it made total sense to spend the time and money learning how to do it well.

And among my friends who do spank their kids, they spank their kids CONSTANTLY, so clearly the spanking isn't really working. At some point it stops being discipline and starts being an adult taking their frustrations out on a child.

I know that a post isn't going to change anyone's opinion. People are gonna do whatever they want. This has just been my experience.

[Anonymous]

We don’t spank. My DH was spanked and says no long term damage. But he has a weird relationship with his parent, sometimes interactions with them seem more like a Board meeting. My mom slapped me across the face once when I call her a nasty name in middle school. It was very upsetting but I never disrespected her again.

[Anonymous]

I was spanked and consequently didn’t feel close to my parents , specifically my Dad. I made decisions based on fear, not respect or because I felt it was the right choice. I swatted my then 2yo on the butt a couple of times but I wouldn’t call that spanking. She is now 8 and there’s no spanking. I want her to make decisions based on knowing the right thing to do, not on fear. She can be mouthy /rude sometimes. She loses screen time, dessert, or 15 min increments of going to bed early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are smaller than you and they are dependent on you for everything. And you hit them.

Oh the drama

Did you want to dispute any of the above?

Not drama. Truth.

Your kids would tell you but they are afraid to.

Drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are smaller than you and they are dependent on you for everything. And you hit them.

Oh the drama

Did you want to dispute any of the above?

Not drama. Truth.

Your kids would tell you but they are afraid to.

Drama

Truth. Hurts. As does spanking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don’t spank. My DH was spanked and says no long term damage. But he has a weird relationship with his parent, sometimes interactions with them seem more like a Board meeting. My mom slapped me across the face once when I call her a nasty name in middle school. It was very upsetting but I never disrespected her again.

Good for your mom
You deserved to be slapped. No one should beat a child but there are times when a good swat on the bottom accomploshes immediate attention and stops bad behavior
The problem is that American children are, by and large, horrid, spoiled brats because parents think all discipline is corporal punishment.

[Anonymous]

I was spanked. I spanked my kids when they were young enough to wear diapers or pull-ups and I swatted them lightly on the padded bottom. I never spanked them in anger and I only spanked when I told them what they did wrong and what they were being swatted for. My kids are long past the diaper/pull-up stage, so it's been a few years since this happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. My dad spanked me once and he says immediately he saw a complete 180 in my personality. I basically withdrew from everyone and stopped talking to people permanently. I still have an avoidant attachment style. To this day, he'll cry if it gets brought up.

I took a TON of parenting classes and read so many books because I wanted to be an effective, kind, caring parent. I've never needed to resort to spanking (or really any kind of punishment).

I also did a lot of reflection on what I wanted out of parenting, and decided strict obedience isn't really a trait I care about. I had children to enrich my life, so I prefer happy times rather than the stress of getting another person to comply.

We live in an area that relies heavily on punishment for raising kids, and my kids are always the most well-behaved. It's actually very frustrating for me - the kids we play with that are punished the most are the ones who hurt my kids the most. My 5 yo DD has a couple friends who are ALWAYS getting spanked, and they have huge problems with hitting other kids. These same parents are always commenting on how calm my kids and me all are, and I've tried explaining better parenting techniques, but they don't listen.

So you’re still not talking to people? But in all seriousness, your attachment style didn’t arise from just one spanking. That’s just not how it works.

Actually, yes. I've always struggled with extreme distrust of people. It wasn't until my 30s (and after years of therapy) that I was able to maintain somewhat normal friendships. Up until then I just kept to myself, even though I wanted relationships with people.

And yes, there were other factors at play in creating my attachment style, but it all boils down to my parents were not safe for me to be around.

I understand that I'm an extreme case, but for me the risks far outweigh the benefits. It's not a parenting technique that is needed at all, there are far more effective ways.

I'm also not a fan of the "they'll turn out fine!" argument. Our standards for our children should be way higher than just "fine".

You are overly dramatic for being traumatized for one incident. That wasn't the issue. You got luck with easy kids (so did I) but it may or may not be your parenting.

"You are overly dramatic." DP. PP's feelings are valid. You don't know how something affected them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don’t spank. My DH was spanked and says no long term damage. But he has a weird relationship with his parent, sometimes interactions with them seem more like a Board meeting. My mom slapped me across the face once when I call her a nasty name in middle school. It was very upsetting but I never disrespected her again.

Good for your mom
You deserved to be slapped. No one should beat a child but there are times when a good swat on the bottom accomploshes immediate attention and stops bad behavior
The problem is that American children are, by and large, horrid, spoiled brats because parents think all discipline is corporal punishment.

Have you read the research about spanking?

Also, do you have a source for that last claim? Most American kids I know aren't like that.