Husband won’t consider a vasectomy and I can’t get over it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:>But please recognize that what you’re doing is asking the woman to take all of the risk and responsibility in order to spare the man any risk.

I am not asking the woman to do anything except to recognize that vasectomy has significant risks. I think that is a reasonable thing to expect.

>Take a gander at this:
https://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=21529&name=IMPLANON

The difference is that you can (almost always) remove Implanon if it goes badly. Fixing a bad vasectomy is far more difficult and expensive. Often it is not possible.

>And the makers of Paragard are literally being sued right now for causing injury:
https://www.natlawreview.com/article/simple-guide-...agard-lawsuits-and-settlements

Urologists are regularly sued over chronic pain caused by vasectomy:

https://pmj.bmj.com/content/77/912/656


>Nothing is risk-free except condoms. Nothing. The question is who is assuming the risk. OP has assumed the risk for many years, and now it’s his turn.

It is his choice. If he chooses not to get a vasectomy, that is acceptable. We all have a right to decide what we do to our own bodies and not be hounded about our choice. She can have sex on whatever terms she chooses, but she cannot justifiably pressure or emotionally blackmail him into getting a surgery that has the potential to leave him with chronic genital pain.

And the person you responded to, and I actually agree with you. Nobody should be forced to have any kind of surgery. However, he had better be 100% ready to commit to condoms or mutually agreed upon non-vaginal sex. If his solution is condoms, then great. If his solution to spare himself risk is to put the risk on her, not so great.

[Anonymous]

If you ever thought there were trolls or incels on dcum, this thread right here shows you there are.

[Anonymous]

>However, he had better be 100% ready to commit to condoms or mutually agreed upon non-vaginal sex. If his solution is condoms, then great. If his solution to spare himself risk is to put the risk on her, not so great.

Agreed. And I think that it is a praiseworthy thing to do to get a vasectomy. But it is risky to pressure your partner to get surgery. If my wife had pressured me to get one, we would likely be divorced by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:>However, he had better be 100% ready to commit to condoms or mutually agreed upon non-vaginal sex. If his solution is condoms, then great. If his solution to spare himself risk is to put the risk on her, not so great.

Agreed. And I think that it is a praiseworthy thing to do to get a vasectomy. But it is risky to pressure your partner to get surgery. If my wife had pressured me to get one, we would likely be divorced by now.

Did you bring up the vasectomy yourself?


After your last kid did, you say, honey I got this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry and resentful and thinking this is the end of our marriage. I’ve tried to get passed it but it’s unbelievable that after two very difficult pregnancies he expects me to be the one to have surgery and take responsibility. I’ve had an IUD intermittently for 15 years and I’m done with hormones altogether. I don’t know how to get passed this...

His body, his choice. i'm a woman btw. I would never force my husband to do anything to his body, especially something that came with risks. He shouldn't be forcing you, either. There are options non-hormonal, non-surgical options -- condoms, diaphragm, the sponge (is that still a thing?), timing. And, eventually, you will go through menopause and it will be over.

I think the point is OP is feeling so resentful right now that the idea of sex is just not happening. At least that's how I'd feel if my supposed partner was so unwilling to at least give it serious consideration. OP, any chance your husband is considering divorce and wants to preserve his sperm for possible future partner? Honestly, that's how I'd take his stonewalling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:>How does that compare to the risks for tubal ligation? Or a lifetime of hormonal birth control? I bet you have absolutely no idea, because you don’t care.

Vasectomy is less risky than tubal and oral BCP. Vasectomy is more risky than Paraguard and Nexplanon, in my opinion.

You are correct that vasectomy risks are more salient to me than tubal risks. I think that is probably because of the constant pain I have from nerve damage from my vasectomy in 2017. It hurts from my left foot up to my solar plexus and back to my kidneys. Mostly it hurts in the scrotum and inguinal canal. This kind of pain will permanently change your personality.

Not unliike the permanent pain many women get from pregnancy and childbirth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you ever thought there were trolls or incels on dcum, this thread right here shows you there are.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

>Did you bring up the vasectomy yourself?

>After your last kid did, you say, honey I got this?

I can see that you are getting desperate to invalidate what I have said by any pretext necessary, no matter how thin.

To answer your question, I always assumed I would get a vasectomy because it has a reputation of being risk free. My dad had one and had no problems. My wife told me she did not want to have any more children and suggested I get a vasectomy. She said she was willing to keep the IUD if I didn't want one. I was fine with having another kid, but said honey I got this and scheduled a vasectomy. As it turns out she still has the IUD and has never had trouble with it. So we don't really even need the vasectomy because she wears an IUD and because we very rarely have sex anymore.

[Anonymous]

I’m considering a vasectomy but the main thing I don’t like about it is “no exercise for two weeks”...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry and resentful and thinking this is the end of our marriage. I’ve tried to get passed it but it’s unbelievable that after two very difficult pregnancies he expects me to be the one to have surgery and take responsibility. I’ve had an IUD intermittently for 15 years and I’m done with hormones altogether. I don’t know how to get passed this...

get a tubal ligation. problem solved.

The person who doesn't want kids needs to take care of it.

That’s outrageous. She has already had 2 difficult pregnancies and was on hormones for 15 years!!!! I could not forgive my husband for being unwilling to do a 5 minute procedure to spare me a surgery. Inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women have multiple options - hysterectomy, tubal litigation, IUDs, birth control pills, condoms, abstinence.

If your pregnancies were so life-threatening, why not choose a permanent option then?

Tubal ligations can have serious side effects. Why do you think only women should be responsible for family planning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really cant relate to this dilemma, my husband had a vasectomy without me asking when our 2nd was 6 months old. I do have a few friends who have wanted their husbands to get vasectomies, but the men are too squeamish/entitled to possibly consider doing anything to their body (because that's what women are for, right?) Well F that. Sex strike. I wouldn't even want to have sex with someone who continued to think it was STILL MY JOB to manipulate my body after having been on birth control, pregnant multiple times, and given birth. Men can be freaking cowards, only if you tolerate it.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

I secretly judge men who won't get a vasectomy so that their wives need to have the equivalent, much more invasive surgery. I'd have a hard time with this too, OP. Maybe you can go with him to the MD so he can get all his questions/fears answered, then you can both go to your MD and do the same. If he hears the details and still won't do it, I hope he likes condoms for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have multiple options - hysterectomy, tubal litigation, IUDs, birth control pills, condoms, abstinence.

If your pregnancies were so life-threatening, why not choose a permanent option then?

Tubal ligations can have serious side effects. Why do you think only women should be responsible for family planning?

Because only women get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Tell him no snip, no sex.