How to Cope - school asking that child be held back one year

[Anonymous]

I have an academically advanced child whom I kept back a year because he was socially delayed. if children cannot interact with their peers on an equal level they will have a very difficult time participating in school when the demands increase. In the beginning, the social acclimation is the most important part of school. DS wasn't bored even though he was a fluent reader because he had so much to learn otherwise. He is now in 4th grade and still a gifted student but also socially very successful. Which is all to say that if you go by academic talent alone, you can do a huge disservice to your child.

Homeschooling will delay OP's child's social development even more than it already has been. She is worried, I believe unnecessarily, about what happens when you medicate a child and then take medication away. She should be more worried about what happens when you homeschool a child and then take the homeschooling away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an academically advanced child whom I kept back a year because he was socially delayed. if children cannot interact with their peers on an equal level they will have a very difficult time participating in school when the demands increase. In the beginning, the social acclimation is the most important part of school. DS wasn't bored even though he was a fluent reader because he had so much to learn otherwise. He is now in 4th grade and still a gifted student but also socially very successful. Which is all to say that if you go by academic talent alone, you can do a huge disservice to your child.

Homeschooling will delay OP's child's social development even more than it already has been. She is worried, I believe unnecessarily, about what happens when you medicate a child and then take medication away. She should be more worried about what happens when you homeschool a child and then take the homeschooling away.

Great words of wisdom here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Homeschooling will delay OP's child's social development even more than it already has been. She is worried, I believe unnecessarily, about what happens when you medicate a child and then take medication away. She should be more worried about what happens when you homeschool a child and then take the homeschooling away.

I think you have an unenlightened view of homeschooling and social development. I am familiar with a wide variety of homeschooled children, and they are hardly social mifits or reclusive. I think sometimes people hear "homeschool" and the envision kids just sitting at home with a workbook all day. The reality is, or certainly can be, with dedicated parents, completely different. The children I come into contact with ona regular basis who are homeschooled are exceptionally socially mature and competent.

I can't afford to HS my own kids, but wish I could.

Homeschooling would remove the pressure on OP to medicate her child so he can move up to 1st grade. And it would give her the opportunity to help her child have a year or two to develop the attention skills he needs to develop.

As for the child you kept back, good for him, that he wasn't bored repeating kindergarten a second year! A lot of academically capable kids would have been, so it sounds like you have a really good school It sounds like the kindergarten really was focused on social interactions, and if you child was delayed in social skills, then it probably was a good idea for him to repeat the grade. So many kindergartens these days do NOT focus on social skills, but more on literacy and numeracy. So in your situation, it sounds like you made the best choice to repeat kindergarten.

It sounds like a different thing from what OP is describing. She says her child is having trouble paying attention. Unless the school is going to put procedures into place, to specifically focus on his attention skills in kindergarten, with an academically advanced child (and yes, doing multiplication in your head at age 5 is quite advanced) I really would think strongly about this idea. Personally I think the school is trying to force the mom to medicate, or remove her kid from school. I doubt the school really wants the kid to repeat K.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a different thing from what OP is describing. She says her child is having trouble paying attention. Unless the school is going to put procedures into place, to specifically focus on his attention skills in kindergarten, with an academically advanced child (and yes, doing multiplication in your head at age 5 is quite advanced) I really would think strongly about this idea. Personally I think the school is trying to force the mom to medicate, or remove her kid from school. I doubt the school really wants the kid to repeat K.

I am the PP who mentioned boredom earlier and I completely agree with this poster. Our experience was that while K may have been socially focused, 1st and 2nd most certainly were not! So the K repeat year may be a good experience, but what about the 2 subsequent years that are often very highly focused on reading skills, phonics and basic math skills. For a child who has already mastered these AND has issues with attention, it can be a terrible combination. Not that it is a bad combo in every case, but for many kids it is a recipe for disaster. And frankly this school does not sound particularly interested in meeting this kid's needs to begin with.

[Anonymous]

8:32 again. I wasn't criticizing homeschooling in general, only homeschooling for children who already have social delays, which is what OP described. I have close relatives who did this with such a child and it was a complete disaster. And this was homeschooling with opportunities for interacting with other homeschooled children -- the whole nine yards.I don't doubt the kids you know have benefitted from homeschooling, but they are not this child.

I think those of you whose knowledge base involves bright children who do not have ADHD and socialization delays -- as OPs child does -- are well-meaning, but really have nothing to offer here. You talk about boredom but this child faces huge obstacles learning how to focus in a classroom and interact with other children. Its an entirely different set of circumstances than a typically developing bright child.

[Anonymous]

I think those of you whose knowledge base involves bright children who do not have ADHD and socialization delays -- as OPs child does -- are well-meaning, but really have nothing to offer here. You talk about boredom but this child faces huge obstacles learning how to focus in a classroom and interact with other children. Its an entirely different set of circumstances than a typically developing bright child.

10:22 here. My DD is NOT typically developing and has social delays. Believe me, I get it. It is wretched to watch your child struggle with interactions that other children seem to master effortlessly. But it is often difficult for a parent to tease out the differences between giftedness, ADHD, anxiety and other issues. Also, some kids are just socially immature at 5 and grow out of it. I don't personally think that is a reason to hold a child back, although I get that my view is not a popular one on this board or in this area. And if the OP's DS is highly sensitive (as she mentioned) then holding him back could well have a much greater impact on his self esteem than perhaps some here get. A sensitive, anxious child will not just "get over" being held back.

[Anonymous]

I haven't had time to read through all of the responses but 5 yrs old is very young to be evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD (and medicated for it). Lots of kids with sensory issues are later diagnosed with ADHD but at 5 yrs old, he is too young. It sounds like his weak areas need to be addressed. I would wonder if his attention is within the normal range for his developmental level, not his age. The other 5 yr olds in his class may have developed faster in the attention span department which makes your son look like he is behind. But at age 5 and esp being a boy, development happens in spurts so 6 months to a year from now, there might not be a problem. I would talk to the school and if they won't let him progress to the next grade b/c of his attention and social skills, I might look for another school. Read The Way of Boys if you haven't already. Diagnosing a child with an attention problem at age 5 is pretty ridiculous IMO.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a child with ADHD? Five years old is not too young. Early intervention is the key. Many kids are not diagnosed until later because they really develop problems when the demands increase in 3rd grade, but if you can diagnose the disorder earlier, the child can really benefit. And if the child is having trouble functioning in school, they need help now.

I know a child who repeated first grade. The first time, he got nothing out of it. The second time, with a diagnosis and meds, he thrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't had time to read through all of the responses but 5 yrs old is very young to be evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD (and medicated for it). Lots of kids with sensory issues are later diagnosed with ADHD but at 5 yrs old, he is too young. It sounds like his weak areas need to be addressed. I would wonder if his attention is within the normal range for his developmental level, not his age. The other 5 yr olds in his class may have developed faster in the attention span department which makes your son look like he is behind. But at age 5 and esp being a boy, development happens in spurts so 6 months to a year from now, there might not be a problem. I would talk to the school and if they won't let him progress to the next grade b/c of his attention and social skills, I might look for another school. Read The Way of Boys if you haven't already. Diagnosing a child with an attention problem at age 5 is pretty ridiculous IMO.

Totally agree. Most medications aren't even approved for kids so young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a child with ADHD? Five years old is not too young. Early intervention is the key. Many kids are not diagnosed until later because they really develop problems when the demands increase in 3rd grade, but if you can diagnose the disorder earlier, the child can really benefit. And if the child is having trouble functioning in school, they need help now.

I know a child who repeated first grade. The first time, he got nothing out of it. The second time, with a diagnosis and meds, he thrived.

I would stay far far away from a doctor who says "Let's try him on a course of meds and see what happens." Everyone will have an improvement on meds, not just kids with ADHD. Doing better on meds is not an indication that they have ADHD. Other interventions need to happen first. Doctors push for meds b/c it is easy and fast.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, if you're still reading -- I think perhaps you're not, fearing a debate on medicating, as you posted -- I wanted to say that I think remaining at the current school is perhaps not the best option for your child. I say this because you said he's sensitive and will be crushed by being held back, and there's no way he won't know he's been held back if you choose that option. But more important, I think, is your statement that some of the parents at the school are "vicious" and openly criticize 5 year-olds. That seems pretty distressing to me, and suggests that maybe your child would be better off in an environment with a kinder parent community.

Good luck, OP. I know this must be difficult.

[Anonymous]

I would stay far far away from a doctor who says "Let's try him on a course of meds and see what happens." Everyone will have an improvement on meds, not just kids with ADHD. Doing better on meds is not an indication that they have ADHD. Other interventions need to happen first. Doctors push for meds b/c it is easy and fast.

I don't know where you get the idea that "everyone will have an improvement on meds." That simply isn't true. Kids who do not have ADHD will not have an improvement. Obviously you do not have a child with ADHD and have never had to deal with: (1) their low self-esteem, (2) the way the struggle in school, even though they are bright, (3) the meltdowns, (4) the difficulty making friends. Otherwise you wouldn't be so judgmental. ADHD is a chemical imbalance that can be medically treated, like many other disorders.

If this thread had been in the special needs section, it would have looked a lot different.

[Anonymous]

The point is that meds are not the only solution for ADHD (if the OP's son even has ADHD; she said he had been diagnosed by the OT as having sensory issues). 5 years old really is too young for an ADHD diagnosis b/c some of the characteristics of normal 5 yr olds overlap with those of ADHD. A lot depends of the school environment and the other children in the class as well as the teacher. Newer teachers may not be aware of normal development in children and when they see a child who has more energy than the rest of the kids and a shorter attention span, they may be quick to think they must have ADHD when that may not be the case. It sounds like the OP is in the unfortunate situation of being in a private school that isn't willing to deal with anything other than what the majority of the class displays as normal behaviors and they are putting the OP in a difficult spot. I urge the OP not to jump into anything drastic (like meds) for her 5 yr old. If she wants her son to stay at that school (which doesn't sound like it is the best fit anyway), then she needs to be willing to hold him back. Perhaps she can then spend next year investigating other school options.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not a 5 year old can be diagnosed as needing medication is debatable. MY child was clearly in need of medical assistance at that age ... there was nothing mild about his issues (despite his being bright and gentle and sweet). But the OP describes her child as having only mild issues, which suggests that her caution is probably more warranted. I think what some of us are reacting to is a sense that maybe the child's issues aren't as mild as OP thinks they are given the school is asking to hold the child back a year. It is hard to know from this thread whether (a) the school is really not a good place for this child or (b) the OP is a bit in denial of her child's actual issues, which if true is common and does not reflect a lack of love for the child in question. Sounds like OP and DH are doing their best and exploring all avenues ... the child will be fine with that amount of concern and love.

[Anonymous]

Dr. Greenspan diagnoses all kids with sensory regulatory disorders and tells all parents that they are "mild". If they were severe then the parents couldn't be talked into trying to fix them themselves with Floortime.

If OP's son's issues are impacting him socially, behaviorally and academically then I don't think that they are "mild". I think OP has sought out the one expert who is likely to tell her what she wants to hear. But interestingly, for a patient of Dr. Greenspan, she has not raised the attention issues with him but rather is reading a book? And they are not considering moving him but she has run around and looked at a bunch of schools? Doesn't add up. I wonder if OP is a troll as a PP speculated.