How to Cope - school asking that child be held back one year

[Anonymous]

Capitol Hill Day School

[Anonymous]

We have Greenspan's book on ADD so I was able to guess. I'd let him know ASAP that you are having this issue with the school and that you need to go to Plan B. I think it probably makes the most sense to try supplements first if you are open to that since they don't impact growth, etc. Hopefully that will work really well for your child. If that doesn't get you where you need to be you might need to try meds now so that the school sees the improvement they need to see and keeps a spot for him in his current class. I wouldn't be so wedded to one approach that you derail his academic progress unless you think more time will really help, in that case I'd at least change schools. Being really bored also correlates highly with behavior problems, so I'd really hesitate to do that lightly. You can keep doing Greenspan's protocol and over the summer try to back off the drugs.

I personally am going to do more research on the carnitine - ADD link. My DC is having difficulty with the meds and I'd love to try another approach. I don't think most doctors are aware of those other approaches, just of prescription meds. The Dutch study is intriguing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a very intelligent, articulate 5 yo child with attention and sensory issues (diagnosed as mild). Teachers need to continually remind him to put away toys, many many times. He has a hard time focusing. He is socially anxious but very warm and empathetic, never aggressive or rude. Because of his attention issues he gets distracted from play dates sometimes. In school he eventually completes his assignments and always get most questions correct. Teacher says he's academically ahead of his classmates. He's reading on his own now and can do addition, subtraction, and multiplication in his head with lower numbers. He is not on the autism spectrum.

Teacher and head of school would like for him to be held back one year. He is highly sensitive. Unfortunately some parents at our school are vicious. They speak ill of five year olds at times. It would crush him if he were ever to learn he was held back. Moreover he is so far ahead academically that he'll be more out of place with a younger set of children next year.

I want to ask head of school to consider a shadow while we put him in therapy to help him. We would pay for a shadow of course. I am scrambling for other alternatives. I checked out Lowell, Mclean, Lab schools and he is not as affected as these children are. The clinician who diagnosed him says his needs are not high enough to place him in a special needs program. So where do I go?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation with a very bright child who needs support? What alternatives do I have other than holding him back one year?

Yes my son, was much like what you describe your son to be. The only difference is that no one asked me to hold him back. I was a counselor in our local community so I noticed the signs on my own. The teachers confirmed what I thought. I put him on meds immediately for SCHOOL ONLY! It helped him tremendously. He eventually told me in first grade that the meds made him feel normal like most kids. DO NOT retain him. I really can't see what that will accomplish other than a low self esteem. The medication is not the end of the world. In fact the younger you give it to him the more likely he is to overcome the symptoms of his condition. My son is 13 now and when he gets inattentive or hyper we say to him, "act like you are on your medication". He knows what that means. He takes great pride in his coursework mostly because he doesn't know what it is like to make poor grades. I am greatful for this because most children with ADHD or ADD go through tons of ups and downs before they find a comfortable learning environment. In summary please consider the meds and tell the school that you need their support. If they will not help you in this find another school for him. There are many GOOD schools that would love to have him. He is an intelligent child. For some strange reason even the brightest educators fail to understand that ADHD and ADD do not compromise his intellectual capacity. He may be much brighter than they think because he is working through barriers and doesn't even know it. These kids go on to get into great high schools and Ivy League colleges. Just look at some of the web sites of where you would like to see your child go in the future and you will see a very welcomming spirit about his issue. He is a bright child. The meds will help him work through those barriers. I hope this helps.
Oops almost signed my name.

[Anonymous]

I favor holding kids back if they are not ready. Many issues have to do with maturity or issues they do grow out of... schools push and push kids ahead and some kids just aren't ready academically, socially, or otherwise. My son is repeating kindergarten due to be very immature (despite being one of the oldest ones in the class)-- he had a hard time following any kind of directions and with comprehension. He made friends, but because of his maturity, the kids tended to play with others. The teacher insisted he was held back and I knew it was the right thing for him. This year, he is MUCH MUCH more confident, fits in well with the kids (you'd never know he was a whole year older), and really likes school. He is a new kid. While I weighed the pros and cons of holding him back, ultimately I felt like if I didn't do it now, I couldn't do it because it would be too hard for him. Good luck, follow your instint-- you know your child best.

[Anonymous]

OP- I didn't see if you mentioned if he was in a public or private school. There are many reasons why his attention isn't what is expected of him. Are the school's expectations of 5 yr olds appropriate? If so, is he in a large class that makes him more distracted? I would think the first course of action would be to examine the school and class where he is first. If you think he is in an appropriate classroom and school environment, have him educationally tested. That would show whether he is gifted. Check out the websites for gifted kids as they have some of the same characteristics as your son. If he is gifted, holding him back will accomplish nothing. My son is a year younger and kind of in the same boat so I do feel for you. It is possible he could grow into himself in the next few yrs and the attention will no longer be an issue but if you hold him back due to his attention issues and do nothing to help him, he could develop other problems and his self-esteem might suffer (and that is hard to turn around).

[Anonymous]

CHDS is Capitol Hill Day School, but I don't know why someone recommended it -- it is not for special need kids.

[Anonymous]

A kid with ADD is NOT a special needs kid. Sidwell is full of them. CHDS has a reputation for being good for quirky kids, I think the PP was trying to be helpful. Lab and McLean are great for kids with LDs but that doesn't sound like OP's son. It sounds like the ADD needs to be addressed more effectively for him to succeed in his current private school.

[Anonymous]

I have a son at Mclean and have no idea why you think it is a special needs school or that children there are more affected. It is a mainstream school that does a remarkable job of teaching in a manner the each child needs, individually, while creating a nurturing atmosphere. It seems to me you are concerned about some sort of stigma with either holding your child back, putting him on meds, or switching to a school like McLean. You need to get over that. I don't mean to be so blunt, but the ONLY thing that matters is putting your child in the right environment and getting him the tools to succeed.

You may be blinded by your child's intelligence and missing that as bright as he is, if he can't function in a classroom, it doesn't matter. My DC taught himself to read when he was three. But we still held him back because he was immature and sent him to McLean because he needed the small classes and structure. He has flourished there. I adore the school.

As for meds, every parent I know with a child on meds dragged their feet and resisted and once they tried it wondered why they waited so long. The one fact that convinced me was that many studies have shown that children with ADHD who do not receive meds have elevated rates of drug and alcohol abuse. They self-medicate. And I would add from my own observation, they suffer from low self-esteem because they can't succeed at things their peers do easily.

Put all your assumptions away and start over. Thats my advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A kid with ADD is NOT a special needs kid. Sidwell is full of them. CHDS has a reputation for being good for quirky kids, I think the PP was trying to be helpful. Lab and McLean are great for kids with LDs but that doesn't sound like OP's son. It sounds like the ADD needs to be addressed more effectively for him to succeed in his current private school.

I would not describe the kids in my child's class at CHDS as "quirky". Sure a few are, but my impression is that there are no more there than at other schools. CHDS kids tend to go on to Sidwell, GDS, Maret, etc. The curriculum is progressive but rigorous. Depending on the nature of the issue CHDS may be a good place for your son, especially if the issue is boredom, as some have suggested. There are certainly kids with ADHD there (and at all schools) who thrive. There are also kids who have left CHDS for Lab or McLean or other schools.

[Anonymous]

18:01 - brilliant response.

CHDS is NOT progressive. Why do some k-8 parents justify their child's school with the caveat that the grads go to Sidwell, GDS, Maret. Is that end all be all? Without that statistic to flaunt you couldn't justify putting your child in that school after having been rejected from Sidwell, GDS, Maret?

Back to OP -- listen to 18:01. It's all about the kid.

[Anonymous]

14:44 again ... I was the first poster to suggest trying ADD nedication, and I agree with 18:01 ... we avoided trying the medication for a year and a half. We tried everything! Small, nurturing school with small classes and supportive teachers. Child allowed to work in quiet part of the room to minimize distractions. Speech therapy. Yellow paper placed under child's school work to "draw his eyes towards what he was supposed to be working on" (baloney, I think!), lots of recess and running around time, and on and on. When we finally broke down and tried the medication, it was SO helpful SO quickly ... we really regretted letting our child struggle for so long. And our doctor told us that if it didn't help, we would know almost right away.

Asking a child with attention problems to just try a little harder to focus rather than provide needed medication is like asking a nearsighted child to try a little harder to see rather than giving him the glasses he needs.

[Anonymous]

18:01 I never suggested McLean isn't a great school, I am a fan. However, my impression that they take a lot of special needs kids was formed by the fact that I know several families with highly functioning autistic kids who attend and much of the graduating class of The Maddux School last year went on to McLean. I know that there is a tension about who the school wants to serve, but there are a lot of kids with mild special needs there, more than at other privates except for Kingsbury or Lab. The classes are small and nurturing and if your child is thriving there I'm so glad that you found the right fit.

OP, I really would think about trying an approach like supplements or medication before putting your child in a specialized program. I'm guessing that until this issue you were otherwise happy with the school? If you do think of moving him I'd try workig with a consultant like Suzie Blattner McLean is a lovely school if you think small class sizes will make a huge difference. Just so you know, this year their kindergarden class consisted of 4 students.

[Anonymous]

we had a similar issue with our daughter when she was in Pre-K. The Catholic School she attended wanted to hold her back. We switched her to Montessori...she's at an Ivy now!

[Anonymous]

I don't know if Montessori would be the fix you need OP but you could look at the Barrie School in Silver Spring. I'd second the suggestion to work with a consultant if you switch.

Does your current school have a psychologist or anyone who can work with you on the issues besides the teacher? Can Dr. Greenspan suggest anyone who can offer concrete help to the teacher? I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

CHDS is NOT progressive. Why do some k-8 parents justify their child's school with the caveat that the grads go to Sidwell, GDS, Maret. Is that end all be all? Without that statistic to flaunt you couldn't justify putting your child in that school after having been rejected from Sidwell, GDS, Maret?

.

Wow...I was just trying to make the point that CHDS is NOT appropriate for special needs kids. One indication of that is that many of the kids do go on to more traditional high schools. It had nothing to do with you really. But depending on what the OPs son needs it may or may not be a good fit. Some of the kids with learning or attention issues have struggled as the homework load starts to really increase, and that's when some have left for other schools.