How to Cope - school asking that child be held back one year

[Anonymous]

You may want to look at Flint Hill and Burgundy Farm. You may also want to take another look at McLean School. Congresional may also work with kids who have mild issues. I think GDS and even Sidwell have children with mild issues who they accomodate. Directors and teachers don't flippantly ask kids to repeat a year. The demands at each grade level are much higher than they were years ago and if a child isn't read IMO it's best to hold them back. I think it's worthwhile to get your child evaluated and get some advice about what school is the best placement. Dr. Conlon does know the area private school well. He doesn't do full educational evaluations (he's a neurodevelopmentla ped not a neuropsychologist), but I bet he could tell you if that was needed. There are plenty of bright kids who need extra help or extra time to thrive in school.

[Anonymous]

I think GDS and even Sidwell have children with mild issues who they accomodate.

Maybe, but, neither school is going to accept a child who requires as much individualized attention as OP says her child requires at this time. Not in K-1.

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this as someone who also hoped to avoid meds, but the school is telling you that your current approach is not working. You don't have 6 months to see if Dr. Greenspan's protocol will improve things unless you want to make some big changes - a different school or move him off his current grade level.

Your son's behavior is significantly disruptive or requires a great deal of extra teacher attention or the school would not have made the request. I know how intensive and time consuming the Greenspan's approaches are, but from the school's perspective, it isn't making a difference yet and they can't take the chance that things will continue this way next year.

I was the one who suggested Lynne Israel's camp before you mentioned the - it's really for kids with dyspraxia, to help with things like sports skills and handwriting. Of course some kids have attention issues, but it is not going to help you with this. From our experience a program like McLean might help a little but you really need to consider meds to buy you some time. A child with poor self esteem from being held back, who is bored and who has poor impulse control is a recipe for disaster. They are not talking about holding him back because he can't do the work but because of his behavior. Time without other tools and changes will only work against him. Chuck Conlon is a great person to see for ADD, he has it himself.

[Anonymous]

Beauvoir alum and current parent here. Senator Michael Bennet, D (Colorado) was held back in the second grade and went on to Yale Law school, many lucrative careers.. BEFORE leaving the private sector to public service in Denver (aid to Mayor then running public schools). Also, another friend from Beauvoir repeated first grade and she now is director of admissions of the Brearly School in NYC (the hardest school to gain admittance in NYC - note: she also had a 4.0 at U Penn).

My point is simple, LISTEN to the educators. It is hard to catch up, but much easier to tweak skills not yet made by taking an extra year. Furthermore, socially an extra year is not the issue it used to be. I can guarentee, that come High School, there will be plenty of students a year older than the traditional and limited year that was pre-determined to be the age group.

[Anonymous]

OP,
This is a complicated mix. First, forgot what other parents say or think. Second, know that your son will not be crushed if he repeats a grade. It's more common than you realize. Third, the school will find a way to keep him on his toes academically with differentiated instruction. Plus there is a leveling off and not all students who are advanced in K are advanced by third grade, there is often a catchup period.
If you apply to other schools you will need recommendations and will have to explain why you disagree with this assessment. It might be a stretch.
I know it's hard. 21:56 shares inspiring stories!

[Anonymous]

OP: My heart goes out to you and your family. This sounds like a very difficult situation. We have close friends who are experiencing something similar with their DC - it is very hard to know what to do, alas, as there is no manual, website, etc with the answers for families in these types of predicaments.

Academics are very important, but so is social intelligence. The later your son learns these skills, the more difficult it can be. I don't know if your son repeating a year is the answer, but you probably need to disentangle his academics, which sound fine, from his social abilities (for lack of knowing the more precise term), which sound as if they are seriously lagging at this time. If I were in your shoes, I would chuck the concerns over whether he feels academically challenged in school and turn all my efforts into figuring out how he gains the social skills he will need to succeed in life (ability to make and keep friends, find and hold a job, etc), not just the classroom. Young children's friendships can be very elastic and they can move in and out of each other's orbits with some ease. But the tween and teen years can be much more hard and less forgiving - still easier than as an adult, but not like those early elementary years. With the exception of a few snarky comments in this thread, a number of posters have offered powerful personal insights and testimonials to you as you navigate this terrain. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am worried about his lack of friendships. But he is not lacking in social skills per se. I need to elaborate a bit here. He is extremely polite, sensitive to other children's wishes and needs in play, and is accepting of all children. Its his attention issues that get in the way of play dates. He gets distracted often. If we could get a hold of the ADHD, his social circle would expand signficantly I think.

To the poster who quoted the opinion of the American Academy of School Psychologists. I can not thank you enough. This will be very helpful for us in making our decision.

[Anonymous]

OP again, want to add thatwhen I said DC is not affected enough to be in a special needs program it was not in reference to the previous sentence mentioning Mclean, Lab, Lowell...

I apologize to parents of children in these schools. I know they are all excellent schools and not necessarily for affected children.

Re meds...meds work and are a great option, but they don't have to be the choice for everybody. It's just not the choice for us. But it is an excellent choice for many, many children.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I have a son who is 6 (Dec birthday) who sounds a lot like yours-very bright, did very well on WPSSI, but with issues relating to attention and poor impulse control. He also does not transition well from one activity to another. I am afraid he might have inattentional ADD, or something worse, like childhood bipolar disease, which from my readings can often be confused with ADD (DH had a parent with bipolar disease, so it runs in the family). He seems to do slightly better at school in a structured environment than at home, our home life is fairly miserable with constant temper tantrums and poor behavior that cannot be remedied by standard time-outs and logical consequences.

We are currently applying to privates for 1st grade, but I am not hopeful the play visits will go that well. I am wondering if he needs to repeat K, which we could do since we are switching schools next year, but I am afraid that won't be a fix to whatever the underlying problem is. Also, he would then be turning 7 in Kindergarten. His current school isn't recommending he repeat, but I just don't see him going to 1st next year and paying attention to learn what he needs to learn, particularly if he isn't accepted to private-our public school has 30 kids in the 1st grade classes, way overcrowded.

Does anyone have any advice as to what local professionals to see who will talk straight about ADD or the other possible psychological issues? We saw a Neuropsych person who did a full eval last year, and basically took a "wait and see" approach. He attends a social skills group once a week, but I have not found the leaders of the group to be very helpful. We have done some things at home like Earobics, but it is hard to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as well as names of good resources.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP: You sound like a great mom, trying to really meet the needs of your son and sound very in tune with what would be best for him. I am wondering though whether he should even be at a school where there are vicious parents that would pick on a 5 year old. That seems absolutely crazy, and I would remove him from that school quickly if there is already that type of culture at the school.

[Anonymous]

My son is in a transitional K class this year due to the same issues you addressed. This has been a horrible year for him b/c all his friends have moved on to K. It is a conversation we regularly have and he is crushed. Really, it is the biggest mistake I have made as a parent and I regret it every day. I am so angry at the school director and his teachers.

Also, it's very difficult to trust them on anything they say after they have basically talked me into this.

He's your kid -- if you think he can move on w/ some support, do it. You can always make adjustments somewhere else, where his teachers and director believe and see the best in your child.

[Anonymous]

OP,
You say that ADD is significantly impacting your son's ability to form meaningful social relationships and to master functioning at school, both major life tasks for K students. It may well be that he would benefit from another K year socially since K is more socially focused than 1st. The brains of kids with ADD do mature less rapidly so time may be particularly helpful and it may give the other things you are doing more of a chance to work.

I'd also suggest perhaps consulting with Kelly Dorfman, a well regarded local nutritionist who focuses on developmental issues if you want to explore supplements, omegas, etc, a psychiatrist or your ped are not likely to be familiar with that approach.
http://www.devdelay.org/newsletter/articles/html/268-depressing-side-of-stimulants.html

I would also think of speaking with a education consultant like Suzie Blatner about your situation. I would get a concrete plan in place for how the school would keep him challenged next year. Working with a consultant can "lower the temperature" in your interactions with the school.

did have our summer bday child with attention and sensory issues start K a year late and it helped a lot. I think the idea that time alone will fix everything is baseless but if you are actively trying other approaches, time may be just what you need. To be honest, the other parents and kids are well aware of your son's difficulties already since he requires extra teacher attention. I wouldn't let that be a controlling factor in your decision. I hope that nonmedication approaches are successful for you. Good luck to you and your son OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meds were always tempting. They work great for many kids. I absolutely don't think drugs are terrible. But we decided not to go that route for DS. We are trying to do activities/games to help correct the attention issues. Our psychiatrist said to see if his protocol works within 6 months and if it does, keep with it. IF it' doesn't, then he suggesetd doing meds. Problem is that the improvement is painstakingly slow.

I would seriously discuss the situation with your doctor since the current treatment plan is creating significant issues for your child. So the choices are to 1) Hold him back a year at the same school, 2) Hold him back a year at a different school in the unlikely event that one admits him or 3) Adjust your current treatment timetable since the doctor indicated that medication might be on the table in a few months.

If the school has asked that he be held back, going on to first there without a quick and significant change in his ability to function is not a possiblility, is it? Getting into another private is going to be difficult, the teacher rec will reveal problems other schools will be reluctant to take on. Even schools like Lab and McLean, while they have kids with attention issues, really focus on kid with learning disabilities. The program becomes more demanding and academic, if he is hard to keep on task that is not going to be feasible, they need to consider all of the other children too. I guess option 4 could be to explore your public options and consider that, but if you are in MC your problems will be even worse, no? By all means consider trying Kelly Dorfman to see if she can help and to know that you've exhausted all possibilities, a friend's child did do well with supplements, but I'm not sure how much time you have to see the change. Have you thought about getting a recommendation from your child's psychiatrist for a therapist for you and your husband to help you work through your own feelings about his issues, the social ramifications, etc? I understand your reluctance to even try meds but it's a neurotransmitter issue that is causing him tremendous problems. Unless those problems in school resolve very quickly, your problems will multiply. I'd really try to sort out your emotional reaction from the decisions that need to be made. Your subject should be "Current private won't advance K student with ADHD due to behavior and lack of social ability, anyone know of another private that might take him for K or for 1st?" If you try a low dose of meds you can always back off it when other interventions start to become more effective, right? At least talk to Dr. Greenspan and see what his recommendation is. If he recommended meds for a while would you consider it?

[Anonymous]

OP, my son is 5 and sounds very very similar to your son. My son has a few repetitive behaviors in addition and we have received contradictory opinions about whether he is on the autism spectrum (PDD-NOS), but he is very bright, scores well on tests, is not language-delayed, and SPD seems like a better-fitting diagnosis.

My son repeated pre-K this year for social/emotional reasons, and it has been enormously helpful. It has not eliminated the sensory and attention issues, but it has improved them to a marked degree. Socially, he relates better as a peer to the children who are a little younger, and he has made strides in friend-making.

OP, I would not even consider for a second the opinion of other parents or children. Ultimately they will move on, go to different schools, move away -- their opinions have no bearing on anything. YOu need to do what is right for your child. Put a positive spin on it and know, if you decide to repeat, that you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. A school's recommendation to repeat is not made lightly, so I would consider it carefully, and also consider aother schools which may be a better fit.

[Anonymous]

OP - you said "If we could get a hold of the ADHD, his social circle would expand signficantly I think." If you think of ADHD as a disability that is treatable, I think it may help you here. I totally understand the reluctance to try meds, but you have really admitted that the other techniques you have tried have not worked. And, the fact is that his ADHD is about to seriously effect his education and his self-esteem. Trying a course of medication would seem to be definitely worth a try. There is nothing shameful about treating ADHD; it is the same as treating Diabetes or any other medical problem that your child has and that you would not hesitate to treat. Medication is not a panacea (I know, having a child on them right now), but it is definitely a step in the right direction and, can work very well in concert with the other behavioral modifications that you have already tried.