How to Cope - school asking that child be held back one year

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am worried about his lack of friendships. But he is not lacking in social skills per se. I need to elaborate a bit here. He is extremely polite, sensitive to other children's wishes and needs in play, and is accepting of all children. Its his attention issues that get in the way of play dates. He gets distracted often. If we could get a hold of the ADHD, his social circle would expand signficantly I think.

So I can see how the attention issues cause problems at school, but I'm wondering what actually happens during playdates?

My own experience with my DD is that schools often don't know what to do with kids who don't fit neatly into a particular mold, so I'm not sure I would personally pay a lot of attention to what the school is saying. I would ask them to explicitly outline 1) what it is they expect to change next year vs this year, 2) how they plan to accommodate the fact that he is advanced academically in K again next year and 3) what will happen if the attention issues do not go away? Will he be asked to leave?

I just worry that if you hold him back and he does not "mature" according to their plan, then you've dug yourself into a bit of a hole. And if the issue is boredom vs ADHD, then you've held him back a year for no reason and possibly made the boredom issue worse.

[Anonymous]

In most of Europe children start first grade at age seven. And for good reason in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In most of Europe children start first grade at age seven. And for good reason in my opinion.

I should add that I am an educator.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, no advice, you are in a tough spot. None of us has a crystal ball but I wish you the best of luck in seeking out information and making a decision.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with the others that therapies are an important element of addressing his issues but ADHD is ultimately a chemical imbalance that is treatable with medication. It will be more difficult for your son to do the things other children do and he will think less of himself until the underlying disorder is treated. I understand that you have a plan you are pursuing, which is good. But if it isn't working you are just throwing away an opportunity. At some point that may become clear to you. Just leave yourself open to that possibility.

I have some trouble understanding your reluctance to look at some of the schools that have been mentioned here. your current school is failing your child. The parents sound really horrific. I often tell other parents that its critical to fit the school to your child and not try to fit your child to the school. Finding the right environment for your child is the most important gift you can give him. You have some idea that the kids at "those" schools are different from your son, but really the only difference is that their parents found the right environment for them.

You are under a lot of stress, which we can all understand. Been there, done that. Your original post clearly laid out the crisis you and your son find yourselves in. But you seem wedded to some fixed ideas -- no meds, no McLean, don't want to keep him back. I really think that until you let go of those fixed ideas you will continue to go round and round, and you and your son will continue to feel distressed.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP who suggested a chat with Suzie Blattner, here is info on the services ITS provides. She can help with other school options, interacting with your current school, observing and offering an objective opinion re: placement and accomodations, etc.

http://www.its-palss.com/services.html

I also think that Chuck Conlon might be able to help if you are willing to consider adding meds. Since you are already a patient of Dr. Greenspan, I'd definitely talk to him ASAP also. I am quite sure that he has a lot of experience with this situation.

To the PP who suggested that it might be boredom, one of the hallmarks of ADD is that it impacts a person in a variety of areas, so in this case at school and socially. If he has less ability to attend, then his social interactions aren't the same. He is more likely to go from thing to thing than to engage in the same way as a peer might. It's a matter of degree.

[Anonymous]

To the PP who suggested that it might be boredom, one of the hallmarks of ADD is that it impacts a person in a variety of areas, so in this case at school and socially. If he has less ability to attend, then his social interactions aren't the same.

I'm the PP who said this and I actually agree with you. But the OP has not actually said what he is doing during playdates that is also inattentive, which is why I asked. What the OP said was this:

Yes, he definitely has ADHD. Technically his diagnosis is sensory regulatory disorder.

I took this to mean he has NOT actually received a diagnosis of ADHD. In which case, I find all the calls to medicate somewhat alarming because there are other issues which may look like ADHD but are not. Which is why an evaluation and diagnosis by an experienced professional is very important. I had my DD evaluated for ADHD at the advice of our school (she was 7). Based on all the checklists, I was CERTAIN she had ADHD combined type. But the neuropysch eval showed she was highly gifted and had generalized anxiety. And guess what, as soon as we got her appropriately placed academically and started treating the anxiety, the ADHD-like symptoms went away.

I think it is very hard to tell at 5 what is ADHD vs sensory vs just still being a little immature vs something else.

But I would definitely agree that this school environment may not be the best place for this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In most of Europe children start first grade at age seven. And for good reason in my opinion.

This is not correct. That is only true in many of the Scandanavian countries, but not the UK or much of Southern Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To the PP who suggested that it might be boredom, one of the hallmarks of ADD is that it impacts a person in a variety of areas, so in this case at school and socially. If he has less ability to attend, then his social interactions aren't the same.

I'm the PP who said this and I actually agree with you. But the OP has not actually said what he is doing during playdates that is also inattentive, which is why I asked. What the OP said was this:

Yes, he definitely has ADHD. Technically his diagnosis is sensory regulatory disorder.

I took this to mean he has NOT actually received a diagnosis of ADHD. In which case, I find all the calls to medicate somewhat alarming because there are other issues which may look like ADHD but are not. Which is why an evaluation and diagnosis by an experienced professional is very important. I had my DD evaluated for ADHD at the advice of our school (she was 7). Based on all the checklists, I was CERTAIN she had ADHD combined type. But the neuropysch eval showed she was highly gifted and had generalized anxiety. And guess what, as soon as we got her appropriately placed academically and started treating the anxiety, the ADHD-like symptoms went away.

I think it is very hard to tell at 5 what is ADHD vs sensory vs just still being a little immature vs something else.

But I would definitely agree that this school environment may not be the best place for this kid.

Got it PP. I think the calls to medicate are as an attempt to mitigate his current difficulties in school and with peers.

OP, does your son have a spring or summer birthday? My child is in K and is 6, as are many of the kids in the class. Time as you know won't fix everything but it can help. My child received OT for "regulatory issues" for years, it sounds as though OP may have just started treatment. My DC has a late summer bday and started K at 6. He is doing really well in second grade now.

What are your feelings about the current school? Would you be interested in staying for another K year? And in the meantime continuing non-med approaches? I third the suggestion to speak with a good education consultant and get their perspective. It can be really hard to separate out your own emotional reactions and to consider all aspects of a decision. They will not only be able to recommend alternative placement, but to guess your odds of getting in and to guide you through the process. They can be an unbiased observer in the classroom and can give you a perspective other than the school's. They have a LOT of experience and can assess both your particular child as well as the situation with the school. I think having someone with no dog in the hunt so to speak would really help reduce your stress level, a consultant is not the school, not a doctor pushing meds or a doctor who is fairly anti-med.

[Anonymous]

I think this doc would take a similar approach to Dr. Greenspan.

http://www.neuro.jhmi.edu/brainwaves/2003_fall/adhd.htm

Not sure where that leaves you with the school. Have they refused to consider promoting him? Are there teachers at the school who have more training or experience with working with kids with attention problems? As a PP noted, if you do another year of K there you want some guarantee that it is going to get you to a successful first grade year the following year.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP said her DC "definitely has ADHD." Sensory regulatory disorder is not a medical diagnosis, its an OT diagnosis. It describes a symptom, not a disorder. I think anyone who receives this diagnosis needs to dig deeper. I am not saying they necessarily have an actual disorder, just that they shouldn't accept sensory integration as a diagnosis in itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a son at Mclean and have no idea why you think it is a special needs school or that children there are more affected. It is a mainstream school that does a remarkable job of teaching in a manner the each child needs, individually, while creating a nurturing atmosphere. It seems to me you are concerned about some sort of stigma with either holding your child back, putting him on meds, or switching to a school like McLean. You need to get over that. I don't mean to be so blunt, but the ONLY thing that matters is putting your child in the right environment and getting him the tools to succeed.

You may be blinded by your child's intelligence and missing that as bright as he is, if he can't function in a classroom, it doesn't matter. My DC taught himself to read when he was three. But we still held him back because he was immature and sent him to McLean because he needed the small classes and structure. He has flourished there. I adore the school.

As for meds, every parent I know with a child on meds dragged their feet and resisted and once they tried it wondered why they waited so long. The one fact that convinced me was that many studies have shown that children with ADHD who do not receive meds have elevated rates of drug and alcohol abuse. They self-medicate. And I would add from my own observation, they suffer from low self-esteem because they can't succeed at things their peers do easily.

Put all your assumptions away and start over. Thats my advice.

I agree about McLean. While I do not have a child there, I know many families who have sent their children there. The children at McLean are not "affected." My good friend's daughter was struggling at a well known independent school. She switched to McLean in 7th grade and thrived there. She is now a sophomore at NYU.

[Anonymous]

Going to McLean is not in itself going to magically fix OP's son's ADHD, if they would accept him. I know that McLean sometimes accepts kids "conditionally", contingent on the parents getting or continuing a particular type of therapy - OT, SLP, etc. In your case OP they might insist that his ADHD be effectively addressed.

I'm not sure what you mean by the term "affected", PP.
McLean serves a variety of populations, there are kids with issues there as well as kids with different learning styles, etc. Not necessarily cognitively impaired if that's what you meant. Glad your friend's daughter found it a good fit. There are several threads on McLean, they seem to swing from taking a lot of kids from places like Maddux to indicating that they want to serve a different population. I think the mix at any given time probably depends on the pool they have to draw from.

OP, is there any wiggle room in the reguest from your current school? Did they give you a deadline for the decision or did they indicate that it's really not your call without a major change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said her DC "definitely has ADHD." Sensory regulatory disorder is not a medical diagnosis, its an OT diagnosis. It describes a symptom, not a disorder. I think anyone who receives this diagnosis needs to dig deeper. I am not saying they necessarily have an actual disorder, just that they shouldn't accept sensory integration as a diagnosis in itself.

PP this is a classic diagnosis from Dr. Stanley Greenspan who is a child psychiatrist. It is not the same as a diagnosis from an OT although the treatment approaches are very similar.

OP, best of luck to you and your son. I'm sure this is very upsetting.

[Anonymous]

I realize Greenspan gives this diagnosis and I'm sure there are other MDs who do as well. But this is not mainstream medical thought.