Would you let your 14 y/o freshman date a Junior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 8th grade son was asked to go to a HS dance by a junior girl. They had to go to the principal of his MS (which was in the same building as but separate from the HS) to get permission. The principal said it was okay. He went and had a great time. I think they "dated" for just a short time. My husband and I were impressed but otherwise didn't really care. There was no sex involved.

So I guess my response to the original OP question is "yes".

If this was my son, no way would I have said yes. Ditto if it were my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by allow this? Can you really stop it?

Just because you can’t stop something doesn’t mean you should try. Kids need to know their parents are at least trying to protect them.

+1 This exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My kids are in school to study. Not a chance that they will be allowed to date anyone in school. They need to study hard, get the grades and remain focussed."

I was your kids in HS. When I got to a top 15 college, the first person I dated wrecked me.

I flunked out and have never really gotten back to where I could of been had I figured dating out in HS and only gone to a top 25 school.

You let a man get to you so badly you fliunked out? Wow, it was a good thing you didn’t date in HS! I don’t think you would have figured it out any better. You must have some other underlying issues. I hope you’ve gotten the help you needed in time.

I was that kid who didn’t date in HS and wasn’t allowed. I stayed focused on my studies, got into a great college, did very well, and went on to grad school. No issues whatsoever. Dated a bit in college, but nothing serious until the end of grad school. I am so grateful my mother didn’t allow me to date or get caught up in all that drama in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My kids are in school to study. Not a chance that they will be allowed to date anyone in school. They need to study hard, get the grades and remain focussed."

I was your kids in HS. When I got to a top 15 college, the first person I dated wrecked me.

I flunked out and have never really gotten back to where I could of been had I figured dating out in HS and only gone to a top 25 school.

Yeah, well, RIP to you and your parents, but my family is different.
We have a lot of dialog and communication about career goals as well as relationships. Why were you so lacking in self esteem that you chose a jerk. Where was your support that you could not bounce back? Why have you not bounced back now?

+1 Yes, super odd. A total outlier.

[Anonymous]

This is not a question of whether to "let" your DD date an older boy. If you forbid it, she can most likely find a way to sneak behind your back.

If you have concerns, raise them with her as *your* concerns (not some universal truth)...and do everything you can to establish open lines of communication. My biggest concern would probably be her feeling pressure (not necessarily from her BF, maybe from some generic view of what "everyone is doing") to have sex before she's ready. Though you might be surprised what any HS relationship could surface. Even with no age differential, a HS relationship could easily become overwhelming because one of the people in the relationship has a horrible (maybe even abusive) home life or some other difficult thing like drinking/drugs.

Teenagers are not adults, but they are confronted with many adult-like situations. Having a trusted adult (ideally a parent) in their life can help them navigate these situations better, and with less stress. Like any relationship, this could be just fine...or it could be really stressful/overwhelming/destructive. If you're honest with her, she's more likely to be honest with you.

I made decisions in HS that I shudder to look back on. I truly wish my mother was someone I could trust and talk to, instead of someone who was prone to irrational extremes. Ironically, she always talks about how great my grandfather was, because he offered advice not ultimatums. I don't know different than how I grew up, obviously, but I try to be more like my grandfather than my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real question is why would a parent ponder whether it is ok for her 14 year old daughter to date an 18 year old.

She said junior, so 17 in most places.

Does that make it ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My kids are in school to study. Not a chance that they will be allowed to date anyone in school. They need to study hard, get the grades and remain focussed."

I was your kids in HS. When I got to a top 15 college, the first person I dated wrecked me.

I flunked out and have never really gotten back to where I could of been had I figured dating out in HS and only gone to a top 25 school.

I don't get your logic, PP. If you dated in high school, it's actually more likely that your "first person" would have wrecked you in high school. And you would not have ever been at that top 15 college.

I say this because I did not date in high school. I did have a boyfriend in college and survived that breakup, but got creamed by a mind-f88r from hell while at Harvard Law. It affected my grades, which limited my professional choices, and that changed the trajectory of my professional career.

If I had met Mr. Mind-F88r in college, no way would I have made it into Harvard Law. If I had met him in high school, I probably would have gone to a less selective college. This happening in law school was the best outcome, because I was older and more mature, and still could create a great career even with limited options.

Now for this PP who flunked out, don't get me wrong, I totally commiserate with you (I just don't agree with your conclusion). Hopefully, nowadays there are more mental health resources and academic options, or that students are more aware of mental health resources and academic options, so it doesn't come to flunking out. For example, when I was in college (or law school) I had no idea you could take a semester off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a young freshman daughter who wants to date a Junior. When I was 15 I dated an 18 y/o, but know that it was NOT ideal (in hindsight, of course). I'm curious what other parents think?

There is only so much control you can exert over your child's romantic interactions. Would you let her be friends with a junior, such as someone she knows through athletics, music, debate, or theater? Then you should "let" her date a junior.

As someone else said, she still has the same limits as a freshman when it comes to curfew, etc. And general rules like a parent needs to be home, no closed doors (except for a single person in the bathroom, of course), etc.

Get to know the other kid, his parents, ask DD about his friends (are they nice to her, are they respectful to girls in general). Emphasize the usual of she should only date someone who is kind to her.

[Anonymous]

I briefly dated a 14 yo when I was 18. (she was technically less than 4 years younger than me, by a few days).

Based on my experience, the answer is an emphatic NO.

For two reasons....first, while I was not experienced, I knew more...and she was naive enough to think that me being "in the mood" meant that I loved her. Um no. I had to explain (after) that guys get turned on by anything....