Would you let your 14 y/o freshman date a Junior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is the most natural age difference for dating in high school. Did you go to high school?

Yes and nearly everyone I knew, including myself dated within their grade or up/down one. But the majority of couple were in the same grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sex is not important to us as parents. I was pointing out that it existed and probably will into the future. She is an extremely together kid.[i] She is very advanced with GPA, motivation, SAT, Extra Curricular, sports. She has played Varsity for the last two year on two sports and she has been team Captain for those 2 sports for the last 2 years. This guts her as she loves him. She will need to learn how to deal with loss. This experience will help her in the future and hopefully a therapist will help her deal with it. She is anything but emotionally fragile...which is the interesting part. But the relationship is also not a clean break.

Wrong

[Anonymous]

honestly I think most boys are about two years less mature than most girls into about the mid-20s so the age difference makes sense to me. If you were asking about a 5-10 year difference then hell no, obviously.

[Anonymous]

It isn't the age difference that is a concern. I think 14 us too young to be in a serious relationship. The emotional connection and heartbreak can be too much for many young teens to handle and lead to lots of issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By 15/16 most of my son’s crowd (social, athletic) was having sex.

I don't think your experience is universal. This certainly was not the case junior year for my very popular, athlete son and he actually had a semi-serious (also junior) girlfriend. It was much more common to start senior year or college for his crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By 15/16 most of my son’s crowd (social, athletic) was having sex.

I don't think your experience is universal. This certainly was not the case junior year for my very popular, athlete son and he actually had a semi-serious (also junior) girlfriend. It was much more common to start senior year or college for his crowd.

Yeah that isn't common. About 50% of guys go to college as virgins and of the 50% who don't, most love their virginity the year before college. There is a small percentage that are sexually active before 17 but it is a minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a young freshman daughter who wants to date a Junior. When I was 15 I dated an 18 y/o, but know that it was NOT ideal (in hindsight, of course). I'm curious what other parents think?

It’s clear you and your daughter do not have enough positive activities in her life that consideration would be given to a 14 year old dating an 18 year old. Years ago a pediatrician friend told my husband and I to keep our girl busy with sports and lots of ECs. The teenage girls she saw in her practice were girls coming for birth control and STD tests and those coming in for sports physicals. I guess yours will be in the former group. /s/ Parent of a busy 17yr. old junior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old freshman dates a junior. He's 17. He doesn't drive, they see each other at sports practices and at school. I've never thought twice about it, and I'm a strict type parent I think it depends on the kids involved. I met the boy early on and I am a big fan. He's a sweet guy and kind to my daughter. Not sleeping together or spending much time alone together, so perhaps my feelings would change if that changed. It's not a factor right now.

This doesn't sound like dating

Welcome to the age of snap chat dating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did and TRUELY wish we did not. They dated 1.5 years. He just broke up with her 2 days before Valentines Day. He is leaving to go to college in California and she is beyond devastated. She is screaming and crying. She starts therapy next week. They still remain "Best Friends" which does NO GOOD! Yes they slept together. We like the boy a lot. However, the age difference is huge and he is moving on. He explained it and she is in denial. Yes they will go to Prom and such.....but her heart is broken.

Wow, he's being pretty cruel to drag this out. Death by a thousand paper cuts. Please encourage her to make a clean break.

I’m sorry for your child but it reminds me of some advice a parent of male adults told me as we were sitting next to each other getting pedicures. She told me not to bother getting to know any girls my son dated or slept with as a teenager because none of the relationships last. After that, I never asked about any girl he was seeing or when they broke up. His father and I talked to him about being respectful,having safe sex and knowing when a girl says no it means no and not maybe. He’s in 11th grade now and I think I met one “girl friend” of many in the three years of high school. I told my daughter, his twin, boys don’t care about her or any other girl in high school. It’s mostly about the friends with benefits. Thankfully she’s a student athlete and is focused more on sports than boys. She has male friends but there isn’t a lot of time in her schedule to date. At their age, relationships don’t mean the same as what they did when I was in high school 25 years ago. If your child needs therapy, there are likely other issues going on beyond a terminated relationship. Hope she gets the help she needs to cope with life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did and TRUELY wish we did not. They dated 1.5 years. He just broke up with her 2 days before Valentines Day. He is leaving to go to college in California and she is beyond devastated. She is screaming and crying. She starts therapy next week. They still remain "Best Friends" which does NO GOOD! Yes they slept together. We like the boy a lot. However, the age difference is huge and he is moving on. He explained it and she is in denial. Yes they will go to Prom and such.....but her heart is broken.

Wow, he's being pretty cruel to drag this out. Death by a thousand paper cuts. Please encourage her to make a clean break.

+1

If she's "screaming and crying" now, imagine what prom night will be like. And be assured, the past tense of "they slept together" will be very much present tense--do you really think she isn't going to say yes to prom night/farewell sex? Are you OK with that, and all the emotion and pressure involved? Wow. Of course, if you say no to prom, you're a villain to her and she'll have sex with him anyway.

I really would ask that therapist if it's a good idea for a girl this emotionally fragile to go to prom with the guy whose departure she already can't handle. It sounds like a recipe for devastating her further, not giving her closure.

To OP: This is why teens who are younger shouldn't start dating. Not ready for all the emotional drama or for letting go. I know a lot of families where there is no dating until age 16 or junior year. It's somewhat arbitrary and doesn't guarantee no drama but it's better than kids dating at 13 or 14.

Dating before sophomore year is so risky. I wish we hadn’t allowed our child to date, it has been a disaster. Children this young are not equipped emotionally to date particularly for children who are already sensitive and/or have mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a young freshman daughter who wants to date a Junior. When I was 15 I dated an 18 y/o, but know that it was NOT ideal (in hindsight, of course). I'm curious what other parents think?

I don't think the choice is up to you. If you forbid it, it will go underground. Then, once your teen has the hang of lying to you, it just becomes easier to lie about all sorts of things.

That said, I think dating a junior is a really bad idea because she'll be exposed to the older circle of friends and their "older" behavior. Kids grow up a LOT between 9th and 11th; wow my 11th DD is so different in maturity than when in 9th. Also, next year the guy will be a senior, and soon into that year the pressure is off for getting good grades, while for your 10th grader, these grades matter.

So I'm not sure what you should do, OP. Maybe someone here will have good advice (going to look at the replies now). But just wanted to weigh in on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most junior boys are having sex....

No, the average age of first sexual intercourse for males in the US is currently just under 18. So "most" happens older.

+1

They WISH they were having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sex is not important to us as parents. I was pointing out that it existed and probably will into the future. She is an extremely together kid. She is very advanced with GPA, motivation, SAT, Extra Curricular, sports. She has played Varsity for the last two year on two sports and she has been team Captain for those 2 sports for the last 2 years. This guts her as she loves him. She will need to learn how to deal with loss. This experience will help her in the future and hopefully a therapist will help her deal with it. She is anything but emotionally fragile...which is the interesting part. But the relationship is also not a clean break.

Your post says otherwise. That she needs therapy to deal with the break up demonstrates she is indeed emotionally fragile. Hopefully the therapist can give her the skills she needs for resiliency. Life and love are rough. Especially the loss of the first love. But you’re painting the picture of an emotionally unhealthy teen. Hopefully you’re just being dramatic with your language.

[Anonymous]

My kids are in school to study. Not a chance that they will be allowed to date anyone in school. They need to study hard, get the grades and remain focussed.

[Anonymous]

Parents make sure that their teens are getting the sexual release that they need. Who cares if they are failing Algebra?

Wonder what happens the world over?