Navigating economic class as a single mom

[Anonymous]

Single mom of four here making it work with half of what you make, in a 800 sq condo unit. Single due to an ex who fell down a rabbit hole of addiction and self harm.

Got free. Peace of mind was worth more than class will ever be.

Some on DCUM will flame you without ever having had to experience what you have and are experiencing. Do not listen to them or let their lack of knowledge and fear of discomfort either get into your head, or you into debt chasing their reality.

Throw out any ideations of class being a motivation to living your life.

A couple of tips here:

- Keep that amazing job that you like and brings you peace and happiness, remember to max out any retirement benefits it offers. Use the retirement account as leverage when times get hard (you can loan yourself money at a low interest and pay it back to yourself, even after you transition to another gig).

- Go to first time homebuyer classes and try to get out of the rental cycle. If you're going to be in an Eng basement, you may as well start looking to buying a condo. There (surprisingly) are many in DC and you can write the mortgage off on your taxes. At 75K, you'll qualify for many programs that will help with affordable condo unit set asides in new developments in every ward that are set aside for moderate income buyers and families.

- Get in a groove with other moms who are thrifty and are in the know.

Some things I do to offset costs for our lifestyle:

1. Food. I learned to cook ten meals with less than seven ingredients each really really well from YouTube. From minimizing lunch/dinner expenses (we use really good storage containers and always bring lunch/snacks) we eat very well and literally save thousands of dollars a year managing food expense.

2. Clothing Swaps/Thrift Stores. DC has a thriving seasonal clothing swap community. It gets harder to swap the older the kids get (over ten), but the money saved is tremendous. I also only shop thrift on 50% off days.

3. Ibotta! I cannot sing the praises of this app enough! Google it, get into it. The small amounts add up, believe me.

4. Join Thrifty Mom/Minimalist Mom groups online, learn more about dematerializing your mindset and impart those routines/beliefs to your kids. Incorporate these into your lifestyle.

5. Certifikid/Groupon/DCThriftyMoms... discount experience websites are awesome.

There are soo many more tips... just keep an open mind mom. Youve got this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are doing just fine. You have the important things in place. Your son is not wanting for anything, and honestly, no matter how wealthy you are, you’ll just about always have someone else to keep up with.

People don’t generally value how important it is to have parents that love what they do, instead of some soul crushing job that pays well. Your schedule allows you to spend valuable time with your child, that most parents in high powered jobs don’t have. You have no commute to speak of, and in this area, that is priceless! If you start adding up all these, I bet your job’s actual value would be higher.

Life of a single parent is hard. But, stop beating yourself up. You seem like a good, responsible, person. If you haven’t already, go after the sperm donor for child support (but be realistic about getting it). Short of that, learn to embrace the benefits your job brings you, rather than chasing some HHI goals; that never brings satisfaction. Virtual hugs to you, because you sound like you need it.

-Someone who grew up with a HHI of 50K in New York freaking City, slept on the sofa bed in the LR as a teen, made it to that American Dream of “fancy car, swimming pool, and room for a pony”, and have nothing but fond memories of my childhood, because the adults really cared, were happy themselves, and we always knew that we were their top priority.

This is great and right on.

And I’d add that growing up without everything you could want makes you appreciate how most people live, and teaches you to be empathetic about those who aren’t well off. Living in DC it’s hard for me to relate to the libertarian and conservative types who want to cut food stamps and Medicaid because they can’t empathize with those who aren’t well off. Your kid is learning extremely valuable life lessons.

- Someone who grew up with my dad making 40k and with a stay at home mom in a three-kid family that always worried how far our money would go at the grocery store, yet always heard from my mom how other people had it harder than us.

[Anonymous]

OP, your child will be so proud of you when he's older. I grew up "poor-ish" -- my mom and I used food stamps for a couple years and she cleaned houses and worked odd jobs until she got a job with the state when I was a teenager. She put herself through school (went back to college) and spent years waking up before dawn to study. But we always had food on the table.

I may have marveled at friends who had pantries and multiple types of brand name cereal (true story) but I don't remember feeling jealous. And looking back I'm so, so proud of what my mom was able to accomplish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay well some hard truths. I don’t know. I feel like breaking down and crying. All of this is difficult and I’m doing the best I can all of it on my back. He is in a great school and is thriving but I can’t compete. I mean holding onto my job and while the pay increase isn’t viable- I have telework and many of vacation days. I’m not sure I can take much more and I feel like I’m making the worst decision of my life having us here. Everything else doesn’t work out financially for me- moving or owning a car and the maintenance it would take to get us back and forth.

I am a single mom myself and have been for years and unlike the other posters I will tell you the hard truth - yes, you are making a mistake.

You have lto start viewing your DS and yourself as a family and realize this is your kid’s childhood. This will be his memories and his growing up experience. And growing up without a bedroom in a little basement apartment and being a “have not” for years is not good. The cost of everything costs more downtown from the cost of utilities, to groceries, to a cup of coffee and those costs will continue to go up.

Stability in childhood is a huge factor in a child’s long term success and not having a home that offered him a bedroom isn’t stable. It gives a sense of temporary and not being settled.

But they do. And you don’t know or understand because you missed out. They confer a sense a individual space and belonging. They invoke the idea of permanency. Not having one doesn’t mean you were ok it just means you didn’t know any better. Your life could have been very different with the stability of place and sense of belonging. You have the same issue that the OP does - not able to see past their own circumstance and understand that their is a better way and that things could be different.

You can find a new place that has good schools where your child will thrive, where you can set up a home and will have decent commute options. You can expand your professional options for a larger income. But to do all that requires you to stop thinking you are stuck and the only option you have is living in Capital Hill.

Bedrooms do not confer a sense of stability to children. Having parents (or parent) committed to them, and their welfare, does. OP isn’t homeless, and her child is in a loving home. That is enough.

- PP whose childhood consisted of sleeping on LR couches

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single mom of four here making it work with half of what you make, in a 800 sq condo unit. Single due to an ex who fell down a rabbit hole of addiction and self harm.

Got free. Peace of mind was worth more than class will ever be.

Some on DCUM will flame you without ever having had to experience what you have and are experiencing. Do not listen to them or let their lack of knowledge and fear of discomfort either get into your head, or you into debt chasing their reality.

Throw out any ideations of class being a motivation to living your life.

A couple of tips here:

- Keep that amazing job that you like and brings you peace and happiness, remember to max out any retirement benefits it offers. Use the retirement account as leverage when times get hard (you can loan yourself money at a low interest and pay it back to yourself, even after you transition to another gig).

- Go to first time homebuyer classes and try to get out of the rental cycle. If you're going to be in an Eng basement, you may as well start looking to buying a condo. There (surprisingly) are many in DC and you can write the mortgage off on your taxes. At 75K, you'll qualify for many programs that will help with affordable condo unit set asides in new developments in every ward that are set aside for moderate income buyers and families.

- Get in a groove with other moms who are thrifty and are in the know.

Some things I do to offset costs for our lifestyle:

1. Food. I learned to cook ten meals with less than seven ingredients each really really well from YouTube. From minimizing lunch/dinner expenses (we use really good storage containers and always bring lunch/snacks) we eat very well and literally save thousands of dollars a year managing food expense.

2. Clothing Swaps/Thrift Stores. DC has a thriving seasonal clothing swap community. It gets harder to swap the older the kids get (over ten), but the money saved is tremendous. I also only shop thrift on 50% off days.

3. Ibotta! I cannot sing the praises of this app enough! Google it, get into it. The small amounts add up, believe me.

4. Join Thrifty Mom/Minimalist Mom groups online, learn more about dematerializing your mindset and impart those routines/beliefs to your kids. Incorporate these into your lifestyle.

5. Certifikid/Groupon/DCThriftyMoms... discount experience websites are awesome.

There are soo many more tips... just keep an open mind mom. Youve got this!

This! I agree completely!!!

[Anonymous]

Single mom of two. I live in a lower COL area of the DMV. This has been essential. We have all the benefits of living in this great area but we can live affordably and most importantly are surrounded by people who are more like us. Some people in the neighborhood could move to a more expensive area but choose not to bc they live it here. Others work for non-profits or less lucrative careers or they are artists and enjoy the freedom a lower COL area provides. Finding like-minded other parents to team up with has been essential to surviving. They keep me sane and we all help each other out when needed. Also, when the kids were little, they shared a room and we had housemates. This worked out well and provided free babysitting and pet sitting ( this was part of the arrangement). As they’ve gotten older and I’ve made more $ the housemates moved out and they each have their own rooms now. Don’t try to keep up with other people. Run your own race.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm not in your shoes exactly but wanted to say (1) you're doing great! and (2) in this area lots of us have anxiety about keeping up with the rest. I remember feeling so embarrassed when my oldest commented in total amazement that his friend had a basement (we don't.)

But what I've found is that the envy/feelings of inadequacy don't really translate to the kids. Mine are now tween and teenager and they genuinely don't seem to care that some of their friends have much, much more. On those rare occasions when they do complain, I remind them that we have a safe place to live and plenty to eat, and that's more than 99 percent of the human beings on this planet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you just can’t engage on this. We have a very high HHI and no playroom, don’t take international trips, no backyard, other stuff my kids take note of. You are never going to have everything other families have.

+1. Some people have more, some have less. Always. It’s a matter of life. Although I agree with PPs if being higher on the income chain is important, you need to live elsewhere. You’re in the heart of it for rich people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single parent in DC. I have a higher salary than yours, but it's hard for me to think of a kid who lives that close to the Smithhsonians as deprived. There are tons of free activities for kids every weekend. The Folger also has some. There are tons of playgrounds that are a quick bus ride away, if you tire of the one nearby. Keep your child too busy to pine for what they dont have.

So much this.

[Anonymous]

You know, OP, I bet you will remember this stage of your life and this little apartment very fondly one day.

[Anonymous]

Single mom of two here, and you're doing fine!

Every time I get down about the life we no longer have, I think about what we DO have. We have each other, a roof over our heads and enough to eat, and my kids have the stability of knowing I'm going to come home every single night and be present for them.

Corny as it sounds, I also think about the speech one of the Castro brothers gave at the DNC back in 2008 (I think) and how they talked about their mom. My kids may not turn out to be mayors or members of Congress, but they really only need one stable parent and a community of loving adults.

[Anonymous]

Quietly following and feeling so encouraged and loved in this moment. Just in a place to receive and so many of the responses good and bad have been blessings. We are not strangers- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up like this. I was always envious (maybe more curious?) of my friends houses. My parents were comfortable, but not rich. I loved visiting and spending the night and living vicariously through my “rich friends”. I remember little things like how novel it was to have pizza delivered (my parents couldn’t afford the extra to have delivery), name brand Vanilla Bean ice cream (we got store brand plain vanilla), massive two-story foyers, fancy half-bathrooms, huge kitchens, finished basements, etc.

In high school, we moved to a lower COL area and things were suddenly the opposite. My parents had more money than most of my friends and I suddenly became embarrassed to talk about the most basic of things.

Your boy will be fine. My advice would be to simply show him that, while some folks, like his classmates, have it “better”, there are plenty of people out there who would give anything for his comfortable life. Maybe do some volunteer work with him, to help ground him.

This 100%.

[Anonymous]

OP, for what it's worth, this issue comes up at income levels all over the spectrum, even for UMC families. Someone is always going to have more (except, I guess, if you're the single family at the very top) than you. I grew up UMC but surrounded by incredible wealth. I knew we weren't poor but I also knew we weren't RICH. I had friends who had entire wings of a house to themselves (bedroom, massive bathroom, huge closet, play room, etc.) and jets and vacation houses everywhere and got Porsches for their 16th birthday. My parents always pointed out that people make different amounts of money and choose to spend it in different ways. Your son will get some (or most) of his self-esteem from you, so teach him to be proud of what you two have. Invite people over, don't apologize for your house, etc. Keep living your life the way you want and maybe find a way to celebrate some of the things your house offers that other kids might not have, things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single parent in DC. I have a higher salary than yours, but it's hard for me to think of a kid who lives that close to the Smithhsonians as deprived. There are tons of free activities for kids every weekend. The Folger also has some. There are tons of playgrounds that are a quick bus ride away, if you tire of the one nearby. Keep your child too busy to pine for what they dont have.

So much this.

Another single mom (By Choice, and a nurse) here. Same income --75K. . (I have worked less since adopting my child; I used to work a lot of OT and made 100K). My child is now 8 and I have never paid for a child's activity. Living in the DC area (Silver Spring) so so so so much is free.... at 75K we want for nothing! I don't even own a car anymore. I am one block from the bus and 8 blocks from the metro. A few uber/ lyft rides per week or month come in far cheaper than car/ insurance.