Navigating economic class as a single mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you just can’t engage on this. We have a very high HHI and no playroom, don’t take international trips, no backyard, other stuff my kids take note of. You are never going to have everything other families have.

I'm confused - are you saying that your rich kids notice when other people don't have as much as them? this is a great opportunity to teach them about inequality and empathy for others.

No, I am saying even my rich kids come home with these comments, so even if OP made 10x than she does, she would likely hear similar things.

[Anonymous]

You're doing great OP. All kids do this unfortunately in some capacity or another. For DS, it also started around K and died down in 1st grade. We still get some "Joey has this" and "Kate got to do this" but it's not a lot. Pp made some good suggestions on how you frame your reaction to his comments.

The reality is that you live in a very wealthy city. And while you're doing a great job, your kid is going to compare himself to those around him.

The only thing I'd suggest is figuring out a way to have DS get some privacy with a "bedroom". Even if its just a pull out sofa with a privacy screen around it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you just can’t engage on this. We have a very high HHI and no playroom, don’t take international trips, no backyard, other stuff my kids take note of. You are never going to have everything other families have.

I'm confused - are you saying that your rich kids notice when other people don't have as much as them? this is a great opportunity to teach them about inequality and empathy for others.

No, I am saying even my rich kids come home with these comments, so even if OP made 10x than she does, she would likely hear similar things.

Same. We have a high HHI and our 6 year old still mentions what X, Y , and Z have and how he wishes he had those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay well some hard truths. I don’t know. I feel like breaking down and crying. All of this is difficult and I’m doing the best I can all of it on my back. He is in a great school and is thriving but I can’t compete. I mean holding onto my job and while the pay increase isn’t viable- I have telework and many of vacation days. I’m not sure I can take much more and I feel like I’m making the worst decision of my life having us here. Everything else doesn’t work out financially for me- moving or owning a car and the maintenance it would take to get us back and forth.

This sounds concerning. Do you have any savings set aside for an emergency? Would you be able to go 2-3 months without a paycheck? Do you have enough money leftover to contribute to a retirement account? Building savings should be your main focus right now so you're not living paycheck to paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:34 above

Just wanted to add that having no debt is a huge deal, and something OP should be very proud of.

+1

That is great.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a very similar situation, lower cost of living area, but about the same salary to cost of living ratio. I really try to stress the joy in our lives with my daughter. We live very close to a beautiful park, we have a safe warm home, we eat food we like. I am always willing to host friends and sleepovers, we spend a lot of time with people we like. We go camping with friends which is very cheap and my daughter's favorite thing in the world. I play up the little treats, popsicles in the summer, an outing for hot chocolate. I think as my daughter has gotten older, she is more accepting and happy about the way we live. It also helps that she goes to a very income diverse school and while we have friends at all income levels, very few are ostentatious about what they have.

I think it's a positive for kids not to have everything. I picked up my daughter's friend and was taking them out to dinner. We had to catch the bus and the friend was really struggling with the fact that we had to walk four blocks to the bus stop. It's good for kids to have a little discomfort in their lives and to have things they want but can't have.

[Anonymous]

I do have an emergency fund, no debt, and yes my son is thriving. I want to give him his own bed and bedroom but we are fresh off a year into single parenting and it has been a real trip. I was lucky to snag this apartment when I was in the middle of a woe is me moment which I fought hard to ward off. But there are times when I definitely feel like I’m not doing enough let alone give myself enough credit. I trade in a car for no commuter benefits but a 30-35 minute commute. We don’t eat out but he eats healthy. Yes we creep up from an English basement apt but it’s beautiful and the rent is 1450. The owners came to my volunteer workshop and after getting to know eachother + their volunteering efforts gave me a discount. I am keeping this thread because I heard some good advice even if the pills are tough to swallow. You’d think I would know what to say — when my son asks why he doesn’t have this or that—but the fact is I don’t. I’m stunned and shame creeps up. It just does. But here I am.. and thanks to everyone that has chimed in. The virtual hugs are necessary. Very necessary.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you literally have no debt- even as a single mom is like wow! How do you not have student loans or even a credit card? Most single parents have at least 1 credit card for emergencies. I call troll. Show me a single mom with no debt and I’ll show you Mariah Carey’s cupcakes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you literally have no debt- even as a single mom is like wow! How do you not have student loans or even a credit card? Most single parents have at least 1 credit card for emergencies. I call troll. Show me a single mom with no debt and I’ll show you Mariah Carey’s cupcakes

It sounds like OP only became a single parent in the past year. So that makes a little more sense

[Anonymous]

I grew up poor. We were free lunch poverty poor, not 75k middle class. My parents were poor immigrants so not only did they not have money, they couldn’t speak English well and culturally different. I absolutely hated being poor. DH grew up in a similar situation and we both worked very hard.

We now have a high HHI, live in the big house, go on a lot of vacations, etc. I worry my kids are too privileged. I don’t know if they will be hard workers like we were.

If you don’t let the economic differences get to you, it shouldn’t be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up like this. I was always envious (maybe more curious?) of my friends houses. My parents were comfortable, but not rich. I loved visiting and spending the night and living vicariously through my “rich friends”. I remember little things like how novel it was to have pizza delivered (my parents couldn’t afford the extra to have delivery), name brand Vanilla Bean ice cream (we got store brand plain vanilla), massive two-story foyers, fancy half-bathrooms, huge kitchens, finished basements, etc.

In high school, we moved to a lower COL area and things were suddenly the opposite. My parents had more money than most of my friends and I suddenly became embarrassed to talk about the most basic of things.

Your boy will be fine. My advice would be to simply show him that, while some folks, like his classmates, have it “better”, there are plenty of people out there who would give anything for his comfortable life. Maybe do some volunteer work with him, to help ground him.

If your parents weren’t able to afford a couple bucks for pizza delivery and Edy’s ice cream, they were not comfortable.

They were comfortable because they didn’t spend the extra $3 plus $5 tip for delivery, and because they saved the difference on store brand. We still had pizza and ice cream. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay well some hard truths. I don’t know. I feel like breaking down and crying. All of this is difficult and I’m doing the best I can all of it on my back. He is in a great school and is thriving but I can’t compete. I mean holding onto my job and while the pay increase isn’t viable- I have telework and many of vacation days. I’m not sure I can take much more and I feel like I’m making the worst decision of my life having us here. Everything else doesn’t work out financially for me- moving or owning a car and the maintenance it would take to get us back and forth.

This sounds concerning. Do you have any savings set aside for an emergency? Would you be able to go 2-3 months without a paycheck? Do you have enough money leftover to contribute to a retirement account? Building savings should be your main focus right now so you're not living paycheck to paycheck.

Are you kidding? What percentage of Americans can live 2-3 months without a pay check? OP is doing her best, this isn’t helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you literally have no debt- even as a single mom is like wow! How do you not have student loans or even a credit card? Most single parents have at least 1 credit card for emergencies. I call troll. Show me a single mom with no debt and I’ll show you Mariah Carey’s cupcakes

This is really rude. OP said she isn't carrying debt, she did not say she doesn't have a credit card. Being debt free is a great thing but it isn't rare. Some people are good at living within their means. My mother was a single mom and didn't receive consistent child support, and she did not carry debt. Frankly, she could not afford to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you literally have no debt- even as a single mom is like wow! How do you not have student loans or even a credit card? Most single parents have at least 1 credit card for emergencies. I call troll. Show me a single mom with no debt and I’ll show you Mariah Carey’s cupcakes

It sounds like OP only became a single parent in the past year. So that makes a little more sense

Yea clearly- the debt train is coming. Let there be 1 emergency that wipes out her little emergency fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you just can’t engage on this. We have a very high HHI and no playroom, don’t take international trips, no backyard, other stuff my kids take note of. You are never going to have everything other families have.

I'm confused - are you saying that your rich kids notice when other people don't have as much as them? this is a great opportunity to teach them about inequality and empathy for others.

No, I am saying even my rich kids come home with these comments, so even if OP made 10x than she does, she would likely hear similar things.

Same. We have a high HHI and our 6 year old still mentions what X, Y , and Z have and how he wishes he had those things.

And it doesn’t change with age, either. DD has no idea that we are wealthy. Other than a giant house (no mortgage, but she doesn’t know that), we do not live ostentatiously, or take fancy vacations. She comes home asking me why I don’t buy Michael Kors jackets or LV purses. Or why she doesn’t even have a Chromebook (she has no personal electronic devices, and uses my laptop and phone), when her classmates have MacBook Pros. I tell her that different people prioritize different things in life. Just like I’m relaxed about say junk food, but very strict about car seats, but her friends’ families don’t do things the same way, so it is with other things. That I am not interested in now, nor have I ever been interested in what other people might have, or how they choose to spend their money.