Navigating economic class as a single mom

[Anonymous]

OP, you are doing just fine. You have the important things in place. Your son is not wanting for anything, and honestly, no matter how wealthy you are, you’ll just about always have someone else to keep up with.

People don’t generally value how important it is to have parents that love what they do, instead of some soul crushing job that pays well. Your schedule allows you to spend valuable time with your child, that most parents in high powered jobs don’t have. You have no commute to speak of, and in this area, that is priceless! If you start adding up all these, I bet your job’s actual value would be higher.

Life of a single parent is hard. But, stop beating yourself up. You seem like a good, responsible, person. If you haven’t already, go after the sperm donor for child support (but be realistic about getting it). Short of that, learn to embrace the benefits your job brings you, rather than chasing some HHI goals; that never brings satisfaction. Virtual hugs to you, because you sound like you need it.

-Someone who grew up with a HHI of 50K in New York freaking City, slept on the sofa bed in the LR as a teen, made it to that American Dream of “fancy car, swimming pool, and room for a pony”, and have nothing but fond memories of my childhood, because the adults really cared, were happy themselves, and we always knew that we were their top priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are doing just fine. You have the important things in place. Your son is not wanting for anything, and honestly, no matter how wealthy you are, you’ll just about always have someone else to keep up with.

People don’t generally value how important it is to have parents that love what they do, instead of some soul crushing job that pays well. Your schedule allows you to spend valuable time with your child, that most parents in high powered jobs don’t have. You have no commute to speak of, and in this area, that is priceless! If you start adding up all these, I bet your job’s actual value would be higher.

Life of a single parent is hard. But, stop beating yourself up. You seem like a good, responsible, person. If you haven’t already, go after the sperm donor for child support (but be realistic about getting it). Short of that, learn to embrace the benefits your job brings you, rather than chasing some HHI goals; that never brings satisfaction. Virtual hugs to you, because you sound like you need it.

-Someone who grew up with a HHI of 50K in New York freaking City, slept on the sofa bed in the LR as a teen, made it to that American Dream of “fancy car, swimming pool, and room for a pony”, and have nothing but fond memories of my childhood, because the adults really cared, were happy themselves, and we always knew that we were their top priority.

I hope OP sees this and takes it to heart.

[Anonymous]

You are doing great OP.

Your son is in a good school and is thriving. You have a job with some flexibility. These things are super important.

While your child does not need his own room yet (I’d say 10-years old is when that might be more of a necessity), it is a good idea to plan for a way to give him his own bed and space, even if just separated by furniture (dresser, bookcase, folding screen) and/or curtains.

Children will always compare what they have to what others have. The important thing, as others mentioned, it to make sure that he not only sees that others have more, but that he sees that he is also much more fortunate than others, and has a lot to be grateful for. Maybe volunteer to help get that point across.

I’d guess that there are also some picture books about this as well. You can ask the children’s librarian for recommendations. One that comes to mind is :

https://www.amazon.com/Those-Shoes-Maribeth-Boelts/dp/0763642843/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3E589TYRSSJWA&keywords=those+shoes&qid=1581877945&sprefix=Those%2Caps%2C151&sr=8-1

Do what you can to build up an emergency fund. Take advantage of lower-cost resources (food banks, thrift stores, etc.) in order to do so.

Cut yourself some slack — you are being the best mom that you can be.

Good luck and hang in there!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm also a single mom. I earn 10K more than you, and live in San Francisco in a one-bedroom apartment that is TINY. Just keep in mind that everything your son comes home reporting to you is not a judgment of the life you've made for him.

DS: Jayden has a WALL of toys!
You: Wow! Which was your favorite to play with?

DS: Braxton has THREE FLOORS in his house!
You: Cool!

He's just sharing his observations. If he says "Why don't we have ...?" you can answer a few different ways.
Because we don't.
Because each family prioritizes different things

When he gets older you can explain that non-profits that help people generally don't pay a lot and that your priority is helping people rather than making a lot of money because you believe in the cause. My DD is 16 now and two years ago when I took her on vacation, she came home and complained that she wished she could bring a friend on vacation because that would be so much more fun. She then started hinting that she wanted to go on an international trip. I've never even been on an international trip!

But we've talked for years about needs vs. wants. You get everything you need if you're lucky, and some of what you want if you're VERY lucky. Also, each night we talk about 3 things we're grateful for. I started this when DD was 3 - so she could learn to look for the good in her world. If you cultivate an attitude of gratefulness in your son, it will serve him for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

13:34 above

Just wanted to add that having no debt is a huge deal, and something OP should be very proud of.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with sharing a one bedroom with a single child. Mom, you’re doing great. No debt and a middle class income? You deserve congrats!

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in your shoes a few years ago. You have no need to feel insecure, but being a middle class single parent on the Hill can be very isolating. I don't want to go into detail on this forum but some of the parents were just plain awful people who tried to make my child feel "less than". Also, dealing with DCPS can be draining, particularly the ever-changing aftercare situation.

We now live in a close-in suburb that is much more economically and ethnically diverse, with great schools and consistent aftercare and activities that accommodate working families. And everything is still within walking distance. Depending on where you work, a metro or bus commute can be similar to what you have now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up like this. I was always envious (maybe more curious?) of my friends houses. My parents were comfortable, but not rich. I loved visiting and spending the night and living vicariously through my “rich friends”. I remember little things like how novel it was to have pizza delivered (my parents couldn’t afford the extra to have delivery), name brand Vanilla Bean ice cream (we got store brand plain vanilla), massive two-story foyers, fancy half-bathrooms, huge kitchens, finished basements, etc.

In high school, we moved to a lower COL area and things were suddenly the opposite. My parents had more money than most of my friends and I suddenly became embarrassed to talk about the most basic of things.

Your boy will be fine. My advice would be to simply show him that, while some folks, like his classmates, have it “better”, there are plenty of people out there who would give anything for his comfortable life. Maybe do some volunteer work with him, to help ground him.

If your parents weren’t able to afford a couple bucks for pizza delivery and Edy’s ice cream, they were not comfortable.

[Anonymous]

OP, those better off aren't making any more friends than you.

[Anonymous]

Just hang out with teachers, preachers and social workers. They are all in the same bracket you are in, so no one will feel weird. Self select your social group, stay away from rich people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you just can’t engage on this. We have a very high HHI and no playroom, don’t take international trips, no backyard, other stuff my kids take note of. You are never going to have everything other families have.

I'm confused - are you saying that your rich kids notice when other people don't have as much as them? this is a great opportunity to teach them about inequality and empathy for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just hang out with teachers, preachers and social workers. They are all in the same bracket you are in, so no one will feel weird. Self select your social group, stay away from rich people.

Except they’re not because most teachers are married to another income provider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just hang out with teachers, preachers and social workers. They are all in the same bracket you are in, so no one will feel weird. Self select your social group, stay away from rich people.

Preachers all have SAHM wives and preachers are revered in their church. It’s very different than being a single working mom. Not better or worse but very different lifestyle. Likewise most teachers and social workers with kids will have a spouse earning about the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you just can’t engage on this. We have a very high HHI and no playroom, don’t take international trips, no backyard, other stuff my kids take note of. You are never going to have everything other families have.

I'm confused - are you saying that your rich kids notice when other people don't have as much as them? this is a great opportunity to teach them about inequality and empathy for others.

Oh, you completely missed her point. She is saying she is wealthy but her kids don't have everything other kids have and her kids notice but she ignores it. She does not engage about it. She was very straight forward and I don't know how you could be confused by her words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:75k living in DC is not a decent income. Can you get a job in a lower COL city? Usually salaries don't fully adjust for COL and in the case of DC, they definitely don't. For example, if you're a teacher, you can make about as much in Kentucky as DC. But your COL is probably half. Growing up poor in downtown DC sounds terrible

My cousin is a teacher and she bought a townhouse on her own in a cheaper part of VA.