Navigating economic class as a single mom

[Anonymous]

Just sending you love, op. I have been in your shoes and it’s very hard. You are doing great. Take it one step at a time and make the best decision you can at each fork in the road. XOXO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have an emergency fund, no debt, and yes my son is thriving. I want to give him his own bed and bedroom but we are fresh off a year into single parenting and it has been a real trip. I was lucky to snag this apartment when I was in the middle of a woe is me moment which I fought hard to ward off. But there are times when I definitely feel like I’m not doing enough let alone give myself enough credit. I trade in a car for no commuter benefits but a 30-35 minute commute. We don’t eat out but he eats healthy. Yes we creep up from an English basement apt but it’s beautiful and the rent is 1450. The owners came to my volunteer workshop and after getting to know eachother + their volunteering efforts gave me a discount. I am keeping this thread because I heard some good advice even if the pills are tough to swallow. You’d think I would know what to say — when my son asks why he doesn’t have this or that—but the fact is I don’t. I’m stunned and shame creeps up. It just does. But here I am.. and thanks to everyone that has chimed in. The virtual hugs are necessary. Very necessary.

You’re doing great, op. Your son will be just fine. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

You are doing great!

[Anonymous]

Your kid cares if you love him. You obviously deeply do. That is priceless to a child. Not the latest toys or Knick knacks.

[Anonymous]

I was one of seven kids and everyone seemed to have more than we did but my parents were awesome and loved us dearly. Maybe I was oblivious but that’s all we really needed.

[Anonymous]

Wow some posters are just plain rude! You are doing great, OP. I hated how one poster made it sound like it’s a hobby being in non profit. I too am in not profit with a $78 income. No debt either! Imagine that.

I would not worry about comments from your son. I agree too that he’s just giving you his observation. I’m not sure what the big deal is with own room... but I think it’s must be an American privilege thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay well some hard truths. I don’t know. I feel like breaking down and crying. All of this is difficult and I’m doing the best I can all of it on my back. He is in a great school and is thriving but I can’t compete. I mean holding onto my job and while the pay increase isn’t viable- I have telework and many of vacation days. I’m not sure I can take much more and I feel like I’m making the worst decision of my life having us here. Everything else doesn’t work out financially for me- moving or owning a car and the maintenance it would take to get us back and forth.

I am a single mom myself and have been for years and unlike the other posters I will tell you the hard truth - yes, you are making a mistake.

You have lto start viewing your DS and yourself as a family and realize this is your kid’s childhood. This will be his memories and his growing up experience. And growing up without a bedroom in a little basement apartment and being a “have not” for years is not good. The cost of everything costs more downtown from the cost of utilities, to groceries, to a cup of coffee and those costs will continue to go up.

Stability in childhood is a huge factor in a child’s long term success and not having a home that offered him a bedroom isn’t stable. It gives a sense of temporary and not being settled.

You can find a new place that has good schools where your child will thrive, where you can set up a home and will have decent commute options. You can expand your professional options for a larger income. But to do all that requires you to stop thinking you are stuck and the only option you have is living in Capital Hill.

Bedrooms do not confer a sense of stability to children. Having parents (or parent) committed to them, and their welfare, does. OP isn’t homeless, and her child is in a loving home. That is enough.

- PP whose childhood consisted of sleeping on LR couches

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I party agree with teh kid needing their own room but at the same time OP's kid is 5. There are plenty of people who lives in other countries around the world who all sleep in one room.

She lives in the US. Not Nigeria.

And the last time I checked, we were a free country. We can live as WE choose. Or is that no longer true? Do we all have to have a husband, a high salary, and 2.5 kids? Shame on you and everyone on this thread like you.

Actually beds and bedrooms are something CPS and judges really care about. My DD didn’t sleep in her own bed at all until she was 5 and did not do so consistently until I remarried when she was 9, but I had to prove that she had a bed. It has come up in family court for so many people I know.

This comment is helping to confirm my sense that the people who are trying to shame OP for not being wealthier are probably poorer and less educated than she is. I cannot imagine anyone who is middle-class or above allowing themselves to make comments like these. I know no one who has ever had to go near CPS. And that level of self-hatred and associated cruelty towards other women is so saddening.

Now, who is being classist? Look in a mirror. Wow.

PP is absolutely correct and was very clear that she learned this is family court. People of all income levels get divorced. She is correct that CPS and courts care about beds, and if the father of OP's child took her to court for custody, she would need to buy a bed for her child or she could lose custody. That poster was sharing information that she has because the person above her said 'We can live as WE choose." She correctly pointed out that when it comes to beds, you are only safe until you are hauled in to court. Then you need to get your child a bed.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom and a teacher and make 75K here in the DC area. I think it's a lot of money! I live well in a 1000sf single family home. Heck, families of 5 live in these houses, so I feel great about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to be on Capitol Hill? Why not anacostia or Shaw or even silver spring? I’m not suggesting you move to Kentucky but some of this is exactly what you mentioned- you’re I the hill so of course there are going to be stark differences. That in and of itself slightly makes me think you do want be part of a higher class which you can not reach. You seem practical but also a little delusional about your situation. I say that while congratulating you on being a great mom but do you have to be on Capitol Hill? What’s so glamorous about it?

NP and I have lived in both Shaw and SS and you’re not going to pay less than $1450 for a one bedroom. OP has a fine deal in a convenient location.

OP, you’re doing great. Until a few months ago (the first 6 years of my kid’s life), our HHI in DC was $100k— one kid and two adults, I'd say roughly equivalent to yours in terms of disposable income since we have one more person. We were FINE. No, we weren’t saving a ton, but we were really okay. It’s always nice to have more, but we were solidly middle class! Don’t listen to DCUM, where I’ve heard $300k HHI is “not wealthy” and 10,000 sq ft is “not a mansion.” We now make a bit more, but at $140k I feel completely rich, just swimming in money— and give a chunk of it away. I do not understand people who think life is not worth living under half a million a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I party agree with teh kid needing their own room but at the same time OP's kid is 5. There are plenty of people who lives in other countries around the world who all sleep in one room.

She lives in the US. Not Nigeria.

And the last time I checked, we were a free country. We can live as WE choose. Or is that no longer true? Do we all have to have a husband, a high salary, and 2.5 kids? Shame on you and everyone on this thread like you.

Actually beds and bedrooms are something CPS and judges really care about. My DD didn’t sleep in her own bed at all until she was 5 and did not do so consistently until I remarried when she was 9, but I had to prove that she had a bed. It has come up in family court for so many people I know.

This comment is helping to confirm my sense that the people who are trying to shame OP for not being wealthier are probably poorer and less educated than she is. I cannot imagine anyone who is middle-class or above allowing themselves to make comments like these. I know no one who has ever had to go near CPS. And that level of self-hatred and associated cruelty towards other women is so saddening.

Now, who is being classist? Look in a mirror. Wow.

PP is absolutely correct and was very clear that she learned this is family court. People of all income levels get divorced. She is correct that CPS and courts care about beds, and if the father of OP's child took her to court for custody, she would need to buy a bed for her child or she could lose custody. That poster was sharing information that she has because the person above her said 'We can live as WE choose." She correctly pointed out that when it comes to beds, you are only safe until you are hauled in to court. Then you need to get your child a bed.

Good Lord, OP is feeling inadequate as a single mother living on a perfectly decent income and your response is to tell her she is only safe until CPS hauls her into court for not having a bed for her 5-year-old yet? I’m sorry, that is an insane and genuinely malevolent thing to say to someone who came to this forum feeling vulnerable already. Why on earth bring up CPS in the first place? That’s not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single parent in DC. I have a higher salary than yours, but it's hard for me to think of a kid who lives that close to the Smithhsonians as deprived. There are tons of free activities for kids every weekend. The Folger also has some. There are tons of playgrounds that are a quick bus ride away, if you tire of the one nearby. Keep your child too busy to pine for what they dont have.

Its true that you save a lot of money and time by mot having a car and by being close to work, which is really important with a child of 5. You have telework and vacation days, that helps with the big expense, which is childcare when school is out. It is also true that over time, for long term security, you may want a better salary to rent ratio. This may come from a better salary from a better job or lower rent in another area, but those changes dont have to be today.

[Anonymous]

You are doing very well. I'd make a suggestion though. Try to find some single moms of modest means with whom you can become friends. It would be good, though not essential, if they had kids about the same age as your son.

There will always be people who have more than you do. There will always be some who have less. What you would benefit from right now is knowing some other single moms who are in roughly the same place as you are. They exist--even on Capitol Hill.

There are several single moms groups in the DC area. I am not familiar with them, but maybe some others are. I'm not talking about Parents Without Partners (or at least the chapters I'm familiar with) where people are trying to find a new mate. I just mean a group of single moms. Maybe you could ask someone involved in the PTO at your son's school if they know of other single moms in the parent body.

Your son shouldn't grow up thinking he's poor. He isn't. It might help both your son and you if you socialized with some folks with similar finances. I'm NOT suggesting that you only become friends with families like this--only that it would do you both good to have some friends like this.

[Anonymous]

When my child goes down this rabbit hole, I shut it down very quickly. Both his grandparents grew up poor in a third world country and I feel the privilege he has in contrast is immense. Running water. Education. Health. Sufficient food. Shelter.

According to this, with your income you are richer than 98.5% of the world’s population:

https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/get-involved/how-rich-am-i/

There is a book by UNICEF called A Life Like Mine that shows how children live around the world, and how hard some struggle for the basics. A little perspective goes such a long way to helping them set their values straight. I get that you feel bad for not being able to give your son what he sees as normal, but maybe this could be a chance to help him open his eyes. We also watch YouTube videos of children in different parts of the world.

[Anonymous]

What about looking into sub sized housing? You’ll get a bigger place. I’m friends with a number of single moms living in sub sized housing, and they’re great moms.