Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

[Anonymous]

OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she was once vibrant she is ILL. Get her medical help. Don’t waste your time whining on an anonymous forum. Jesus.

Uh huh. If the roles were reversed the advice would be to divorce his sorry ass. He needs to get his act together, etc, etc.

OP, my son is chronically depressed. It has taken years yo get him on medication. He had to realize it himself.

I don't know what you can do.

But his/her wife is already on medication which is a promising sign. It might just be that she needs a different medication that works for her. I would try that option. However I don't think OP should stay in this situation for years. That would be unfair on him/her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she was once vibrant she is ILL. Get her medical help. Don’t waste your time whining on an anonymous forum. Jesus.

Uh huh. If the roles were reversed the advice would be to divorce his sorry ass. He needs to get his act together, etc, etc.

OP, my son is chronically depressed. It has taken years yo get him on medication. He had to realize it himself.

I don't know what you can do.

But his/her wife is already on medication which is a promising sign. It might just be that she needs a different medication that works for her. I would try that option. However I don't think OP should stay in this situation for years. That would be unfair on him/her.

True.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

You have missed the point. Both spouses are responsible. This is not a one-sided problem. We are hearing OP’s side. I guarantee you his wife has a lot to say as well.

This is s o true. It really foes take two and his wife has said that he is not he's not hearing her side well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

You have missed the point. Both spouses are responsible. This is not a one-sided problem. We are hearing OP’s side. I guarantee you his wife has a lot to say as well.

This is s o true. It really foes take two and his wife has said that he is not he's not hearing her side well.

It is a one-sided problem if one side suffers severe mental illness. There aren't any tricks the other person can do to fix that. Meds and therapy might fix that, but maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm sorry this sounds hard to deal with.

I would organise a cleaner to come and clean the house weekly. I would organise a new appointment with the doctor and consider changing her medication.

He cannot make her go to the doctor and he cannot "consider changing her medication". She's an adult and not yet committed. SHE has to go to the doctor and SHE has to ask for a different medication. If she refuses to do this, he's SOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

I love how OP just told you that he's exhausted from carrying the full financial burden, taking care of the house and the children without any help from her. And your response is "tell her not to worry about any of this, continue carrying the full load, who cares that you're exhausted."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

You have missed the point. Both spouses are responsible. This is not a one-sided problem. We are hearing OP’s side. I guarantee you his wife has a lot to say as well.

This is s o true. It really foes take two and his wife has said that he is not he's not hearing her side well.

You're saying it's his own damn fault that he has to pay for everything and do everything for the house and the kids?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I was able to call my husband psychiatrist with dh the in the room to report what I thought was a bad reaction to a medication he was trialing - dr agreed and dh was unable to make this call himself - so it’s worth a try, if you want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

I love how OP just told you that he's exhausted from carrying the full financial burden, taking care of the house and the children without any help from her. And your response is "tell her not to worry about any of this, continue carrying the full load, who cares that you're exhausted."

+1

It's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In sickness and in health til death do us part. Didn't you take a vow, OP? All I am gonna say is that it takes two to tango. This is not a one sided problem.

It takes two. Meaning a marriage license isn’t a requirement to grow old in misery if the spouse doesn’t do his/her part.

You have missed the point. Both spouses are responsible. This is not a one-sided problem. We are hearing OP’s side. I guarantee you his wife has a lot to say as well.

This is s o true. It really foes take two and his wife has said that he is not he's not hearing her side well.

This.

[Anonymous]

My depression was a big factor that led to divorce. I wish my ex had PUSHED me to treatment with the truth "I love you. You aren't the funny, happy person I married. I hate seeing you suffer and your suffering is making our whole family miserable. You need to get treatment or I'm not sure our marriage will survive."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm sorry this sounds hard to deal with.

I would organise a cleaner to come and clean the house weekly. I would organise a new appointment with the doctor and consider changing her medication.

He cannot make her go to the doctor and he cannot "consider changing her medication". She's an adult and not yet committed. SHE has to go to the doctor and SHE has to ask for a different medication. If she refuses to do this, he's SOL.

And this. In the US it is legal to have untreated mental illness. You can't force someone to go to treatment, we have laws against that. OP, it is very difficult to live with someone with severe mental illness. If you can go on one of her doctor visits to talk about meds I think that is your best bet.

OP, consider a therapy appointment for you specifically to talk to therapist on how to get wife to her doctor to consider med change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My depression was a big factor that led to divorce. I wish my ex had PUSHED me to treatment with the truth "I love you. You aren't the funny, happy person I married. I hate seeing you suffer and your suffering is making our whole family miserable. You need to get treatment or I'm not sure our marriage will survive."

This is a good script to use with wife. Or OP can talk to therapist and have therapist help OP come up with a script to say to wife to get her to doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My depression was a big factor that led to divorce. I wish my ex had PUSHED me to treatment with the truth "I love you. You aren't the funny, happy person I married. I hate seeing you suffer and your suffering is making our whole family miserable. You need to get treatment or I'm not sure our marriage will survive."

I think this script is the best recommendation on the entire thread.