Friend’s 8 year old is awful to my 4 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect a 3rd grader and your preschooler (with some disabilities) to be buddies and play harmoniously together for several hours while parents are off socializing?

Of course I do. Have you never been to someone else’s home where the multi age kids go off to another room and watch a movie? Or go to someone’s playroom to check out the toys? in this most recent case they were watching a movie and I 1000 percent expect older children to not antagonize him.

NP- for HOURS? Wow. Your expectations are crazy.

Yeah. An 8 year old and a SN 4 year old? That’s not realistic for the vast, vast majority of kids. The multi age kids hang works when there are a bunch of kids spanning a range of ages (and even then, it doesn’t always work with a 4 year old). This sounds like an 8 year old is expected to entertain a 4 year old who has difficulty processing language so likely plays younger for HOURS and repeatedly. It doesn’t sound like she’s the worlds nicest kid, but she is entirely normal and definitely being set up for failure. The fact that it doesn’t happen at the playground where she can get separation is very telling. She’d rather not play with the 4 year old than be mean, she’s just not up to playing nicely yet. The fact her older brother can manage may be temperament, but it may also be that he is older (being nice to younger kids is a learned skill) and there are actually lower expectations on him) probably no one expects him to play with a 4 year old for hours/his type of play (phone/electronics?) isn’t interrupted by a 4 year old. An 8 year old not wanting to sit next to a 4 year old during dinner is normal. This is *finally* her chance to interact with adults. The fact the table is being set up for them to sit next to each other — despite the OP’s awareness of mean behavior — is incredibly telling about what OP/the other parents expect and that the adult socializing is the priority.

Wow, some parents on this thread have really low expectations as to what constitutes civil behavior. I have an 8 year old who isn’t no means a well behaved angel but even he knows that if he insulted a younger special needs child by saying he didn’t want to sit next to “the baby” in front of other people that he would be punished until 2022.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect a 3rd grader and your preschooler (with some disabilities) to be buddies and play harmoniously together for several hours while parents are off socializing?

Of course I do. Have you never been to someone else’s home where the multi age kids go off to another room and watch a movie? Or go to someone’s playroom to check out the toys? in this most recent case they were watching a movie and I 1000 percent expect older children to not antagonize him.

NP- for HOURS? Wow. Your expectations are crazy.

Yeah. An 8 year old and a SN 4 year old? That’s not realistic for the vast, vast majority of kids. The multi age kids hang works when there are a bunch of kids spanning a range of ages (and even then, it doesn’t always work with a 4 year old). This sounds like an 8 year old is expected to entertain a 4 year old who has difficulty processing language so likely plays younger for HOURS and repeatedly. It doesn’t sound like she’s the worlds nicest kid, but she is entirely normal and definitely being set up for failure. The fact that it doesn’t happen at the playground where she can get separation is very telling. She’d rather not play with the 4 year old than be mean, she’s just not up to playing nicely yet. The fact her older brother can manage may be temperament, but it may also be that he is older (being nice to younger kids is a learned skill) and there are actually lower expectations on him) probably no one expects him to play with a 4 year old for hours/his type of play (phone/electronics?) isn’t interrupted by a 4 year old. An 8 year old not wanting to sit next to a 4 year old during dinner is normal. This is *finally* her chance to interact with adults. The fact the table is being set up for them to sit next to each other — despite the OP’s awareness of mean behavior — is incredibly telling about what OP/the other parents expect and that the adult socializing is the priority.

Wow, some parents on this thread have really low expectations as to what constitutes civil behavior. I have an 8 year old who isn’t no means a well behaved angel but even he knows that if he insulted a younger special needs child by saying he didn’t want to sit next to “the baby” in front of other people that he would be punished until 2022.

I don’t know... This behavior sounds terrible if this was the first or second occasion these kids were meeting, but this is clearly the product of many many hangouts. I think the 8 year old — who may also be a brat and whose parents are also in the middle of a nasty divorce — is sick of being expected to babysit or hang out with OP’s son and this is a culmination of that. Ask yourself: Why is she fine at the playground? Because she can get away. Why is she sitting next to the 4 year old in the first place if she behaves like this? Either OP’s kid likes her notwithstanding OP’s feelings or the table was set up that way because OP wants to socialize/wants babysitting. Yes, you should correct an 8 year old who speaks like that... but she’s only 8.

[Anonymous]

The 8 yo is a brat but it is really not reasonable to expect an 8 yo girl and a 4 yo boy with SN to play well. You just need to not plan get togethers that hinge on that expectation. Reality is you can’t control her or make her mom parent better so don’t make your son be around her. Control your situation and it’s an easy fix.

[Anonymous]

Op, I also have a child with special needs. Your anxiety is an issue here. Your child is going to have a hard time socializing and having such a thin skin isn’t going to help. Speaking from experience here. Don’t set him up to fail. She is also a small child. She shouldn’t have to entertain your child. He may well be doing things he shouldn’t. If you’re this sensitive about it, bottom line, stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many people are defending this terrible 8 year old girl. Op, your biggest priority needs to be protecting your child.

Her biggest priority should be supervising her child. If she supervised her own child, instead of always sticking him together with an older girl who never signed up to be his babysitter, then she wouldn't have any issues at all.

OP should be bringing toys for her SN 4 year old boy to play with, especially when she's at a house where she apparently knows there are no children living there and no toys. Thinking it's fine for the boy to just play with the dog's toys is really bad, and probably tells us what we need to know about his developmental level - lightyears away from a typical 8 year old girl. And then she should keep the boy close to her, sit next to him herself at dinner, and always know what he's doing at all times. She can't dump him with the much older, non-SN kids in another room and just assume it will go well. Especially when OP has known for quite some time that the girl did not enjoy the forced interactions with her son.

[Anonymous]

Op, why is your social time with this other Mom --- with the kids --- what's most important? It shouldn't be. You don't have that luxury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many people are defending this terrible 8 year old girl. Op, your biggest priority needs to be protecting your child.

Her biggest priority should be supervising her child. If she supervised her own child, instead of always sticking him together with an older girl who never signed up to be his babysitter, then she wouldn't have any issues at all.

OP should be bringing toys for her SN 4 year old boy to play with, especially when she's at a house where she apparently knows there are no children living there and no toys. Thinking it's fine for the boy to just play with the dog's toys is really bad, and probably tells us what we need to know about his developmental level - lightyears away from a typical 8 year old girl. And then she should keep the boy close to her, sit next to him herself at dinner, and always know what he's doing at all times. She can't dump him with the much older, non-SN kids in another room and just assume it will go well. Especially when OP has known for quite some time that the girl did not enjoy the forced interactions with her son.

Thank you for the laugh. My CPS friend brings her neurotypical 5 and 7 year old boys to play, and they spend a good deal of the time playing with the items in the dogs toy box. Despite the 800 square foot dedicated play room available to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many people are defending this terrible 8 year old girl. Op, your biggest priority needs to be protecting your child.

Her biggest priority should be supervising her child. If she supervised her own child, instead of always sticking him together with an older girl who never signed up to be his babysitter, then she wouldn't have any issues at all.

OP should be bringing toys for her SN 4 year old boy to play with, especially when she's at a house where she apparently knows there are no children living there and no toys. Thinking it's fine for the boy to just play with the dog's toys is really bad, and probably tells us what we need to know about his developmental level - lightyears away from a typical 8 year old girl. And then she should keep the boy close to her, sit next to him herself at dinner, and always know what he's doing at all times. She can't dump him with the much older, non-SN kids in another room and just assume it will go well. Especially when OP has known for quite some time that the girl did not enjoy the forced interactions with her son.

Thank you for the laugh. My CPS friend brings her neurotypical 5 and 7 year old boys to play, and they spend a good deal of the time playing with the items in the dogs toy box. Despite the 800 square foot dedicated play room available to them.

With the dog? Totally normal. Without the dog? Weird for that age and kind of gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many people are defending this terrible 8 year old girl. Op, your biggest priority needs to be protecting your child.

Her biggest priority should be supervising her child. If she supervised her own child, instead of always sticking him together with an older girl who never signed up to be his babysitter, then she wouldn't have any issues at all.

OP should be bringing toys for her SN 4 year old boy to play with, especially when she's at a house where she apparently knows there are no children living there and no toys. Thinking it's fine for the boy to just play with the dog's toys is really bad, and probably tells us what we need to know about his developmental level - lightyears away from a typical 8 year old girl. And then she should keep the boy close to her, sit next to him herself at dinner, and always know what he's doing at all times. She can't dump him with the much older, non-SN kids in another room and just assume it will go well. Especially when OP has known for quite some time that the girl did not enjoy the forced interactions with her son.

Thank you for the laugh. My CPS friend brings her neurotypical 5 and 7 year old boys to play, and they spend a good deal of the time playing with the items in the dogs toy box. Despite the 800 square foot dedicated play room available to them.

With the dog? Totally normal. Without the dog? Weird for that age and kind of gross.

Without the dog. The dog hides as soon as he hears them come in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same issue. A friend’s son is hateful to my kids every time we get together. He starts out sugary sweet, but then has a huge paranoid blowout. His parents blame my children.

What is a huge paranoid blowout?

[Anonymous]

And yes, playing with a box full of dog toys is pretty gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many people are defending this terrible 8 year old girl. Op, your biggest priority needs to be protecting your child.

Her biggest priority should be supervising her child. If she supervised her own child, instead of always sticking him together with an older girl who never signed up to be his babysitter, then she wouldn't have any issues at all.

OP should be bringing toys for her SN 4 year old boy to play with, especially when she's at a house where she apparently knows there are no children living there and no toys. Thinking it's fine for the boy to just play with the dog's toys is really bad, and probably tells us what we need to know about his developmental level - lightyears away from a typical 8 year old girl. And then she should keep the boy close to her, sit next to him herself at dinner, and always know what he's doing at all times. She can't dump him with the much older, non-SN kids in another room and just assume it will go well. Especially when OP has known for quite some time that the girl did not enjoy the forced interactions with her son.

Thank you for the laugh. My CPS friend brings her neurotypical 5 and 7 year old boys to play, and they spend a good deal of the time playing with the items in the dogs toy box. Despite the 800 square foot dedicated play room available to them.

With the dog? Totally normal. Without the dog? Weird for that age and kind of gross.

Without the dog. The dog hides as soon as he hears them come in.

Poor dog. They should leave his toys alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect an 8 year old to regularly play with (and amuse for you) a cognitively impaired 4 year old? And you can't understand why she'd find that frustrating? It sounds like she didn't sign up to be your child's babysitter.

Being mean is not nice, but asking to not need to sit next to "the baby" and entertain him for yet another entire adult dinner party is not really being mean.

I'd make sure you amuse your own child in future, and bring things for him to do so he isn't everyone else's problem. If she's rude then, you can reprimand her.

I have 8 and 10yo kids and many of my friends’ kids are younger. My boys often play without the younger ones without being mean to them.

If my kids rudely said something hurtful to a child, any child, I would correct them on the stop and they would be spoken to later.

And if there was a special needs child, I would tell my children to be extra nice and inclusive.

It sounds like you think the mean child’s behavior is acceptable, which it is not.

Spoken to later about what?? You need to start respecting your poor kids. You can't force them to sit next to a toddler again and again and be super polite the whole time. It's ridiculous. OP's only "defense" seems to be that the older brother is a saint. Which actually has nothing to do with the girl. Maybe she's expected to do the lion's share of the free babysitting. Who knows.

You certainly can expect them to be polite!!

Op get together with your friend minus the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8yrs is way too young to expect her to play with a 5yr old. The age gap is way too close but yet way too big. If that makes sense. I have an 8yr old and she literally has no interest in anyone much younger than her unless it is a baby. 8yrs old will easily say they don’t want to sit next to someone. That’s typical for their age. It isn’t even remotely mean.

I can't believe these responses.

An 8 year old should be told it's rude to announce in front of another human that you don't want to sit next to them. This is basic shit people. Yes, it's fine if she has the feelings. Yes, it's fine to not make her sit next to the 5 year old. No, it's not ok to announce it at the table in front of the kid. An 8 year old should know better, but if she doesn't, correct the behavior.

Eh. There is also a gender difference too. My 8 you doesn't want to sit next to another 8 yo boy. Let alone a 5 yo boy with special needs. My daughter would know to whisper this to me instead of announcing at the table, but the feelings would be the same. People are always hypersensitive with their first born.

My SN DS has very sweet older cousins (of both genders) who are very nice to him, so no, it's not universal behavior. In turn, my DS has a younger cousin he would pick on meanly if he could, and I am 100% on top of that. I also wouldn't tolerate him refusing to sit next to his cousin.

So you make him sit by the cousin he picks on and are correcting him constantly? That sounds miserable for all parties.

Yes, I expect him to be able to have good manners for the short time period they are sitting at the table eating. If not, time out. Otherwise, he learns to use bad behavior to get what he wants. For the rest of the time I keep a close eye on him and separate them as needed. They're family so the other option would be to never see them, which is obviously problematic.

What I would suggest for OP is that she give up the idea that the 8 year old and 4 year old are going to play together. Have a plan to keep your 4 year old occupied by himself (screen, toy, game). In this scenario you're not just going to be able to trust that your 4 year old can play unsupervised. Even if the 8 year old's mom was on top of correcting her, you STILL couldn't expect they'd play together nicely. She doesn't have that personality, and you're not paying her to babysit.

Is anyone actually reading this thread? The OP said the 4 year old is minding his own business, doing the kinds of things you suggested, and the 8 year old is messing with him. She's following your advice and the 8 year old is in his face and bothering him.

Sounds like the 4 year old is dominating all the toys and tv and the 8 year old gets bored as she doesn't get anything.

Does your child act like this? Is that why you are defending the behavior of the 8 year old? I was pretty clear that there is no way he could dominate the TV. Whatever few things he found to occupy himself with, she takes. Even the dog toy - my kid picked it up to check it out and she screeched "THAT'S NOT YOURS" and threw it in the kitchen. The dog was like WTF.

She was right. Good for her. Your kid shouldn't play with dog toys. It's not good for him or nice to the dog.

No she wasn't. There was no need to throw the toy and yell.

[Anonymous]

I really can't believe this thread.

Op stop doing stuff with kids. This group is not going to gel because the parents are not interested in making it a good environment for your Ds.

My kids went to a multiage preschool ages 2-5 and they are good with younger kids. My kids are 4 yrs apart and their friends are age differences from 2 to 5 yrs between siblings. No one is treating the younger kids badly. My kids are tweens and teens now.

This parent may be overwhelmed with a difficult kid or with her marriage or career or whatever. She will regret her laxity in the future though.