Friend’s 8 year old is awful to my 4 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8yrs is way too young to expect her to play with a 5yr old. The age gap is way too close but yet way too big. If that makes sense. I have an 8yr old and she literally has no interest in anyone much younger than her unless it is a baby. 8yrs old will easily say they don’t want to sit next to someone. That’s typical for their age. It isn’t even remotely mean.

I can't believe these responses.

An 8 year old should be told it's rude to announce in front of another human that you don't want to sit next to them. This is basic shit people. Yes, it's fine if she has the feelings. Yes, it's fine to not make her sit next to the 5 year old. No, it's not ok to announce it at the table in front of the kid. An 8 year old should know better, but if she doesn't, correct the behavior.

Eh. There is also a gender difference too. My 8 you doesn't want to sit next to another 8 yo boy. Let alone a 5 yo boy with special needs. My daughter would know to whisper this to me instead of announcing at the table, but the feelings would be the same. People are always hypersensitive with their first born.

My SN DS has very sweet older cousins (of both genders) who are very nice to him, so no, it's not universal behavior. In turn, my DS has a younger cousin he would pick on meanly if he could, and I am 100% on top of that. I also wouldn't tolerate him refusing to sit next to his cousin.

So you make him sit by the cousin he picks on and are correcting him constantly? That sounds miserable for all parties.

Yes, I expect him to be able to have good manners for the short time period they are sitting at the table eating. If not, time out. Otherwise, he learns to use bad behavior to get what he wants. For the rest of the time I keep a close eye on him and separate them as needed. They're family so the other option would be to never see them, which is obviously problematic.

What I would suggest for OP is that she give up the idea that the 8 year old and 4 year old are going to play together. Have a plan to keep your 4 year old occupied by himself (screen, toy, game). In this scenario you're not just going to be able to trust that your 4 year old can play unsupervised. Even if the 8 year old's mom was on top of correcting her, you STILL couldn't expect they'd play together nicely. She doesn't have that personality, and you're not paying her to babysit.

Is anyone actually reading this thread? The OP said the 4 year old is minding his own business, doing the kinds of things you suggested, and the 8 year old is messing with him. She's following your advice and the 8 year old is in his face and bothering him.

she needs to be actively separating them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8yrs is way too young to expect her to play with a 5yr old. The age gap is way too close but yet way too big. If that makes sense. I have an 8yr old and she literally has no interest in anyone much younger than her unless it is a baby. 8yrs old will easily say they don’t want to sit next to someone. That’s typical for their age. It isn’t even remotely mean.

I can't believe these responses.

An 8 year old should be told it's rude to announce in front of another human that you don't want to sit next to them. This is basic shit people. Yes, it's fine if she has the feelings. Yes, it's fine to not make her sit next to the 5 year old. No, it's not ok to announce it at the table in front of the kid. An 8 year old should know better, but if she doesn't, correct the behavior.

Eh. There is also a gender difference too. My 8 you doesn't want to sit next to another 8 yo boy. Let alone a 5 yo boy with special needs. My daughter would know to whisper this to me instead of announcing at the table, but the feelings would be the same. People are always hypersensitive with their first born.

My SN DS has very sweet older cousins (of both genders) who are very nice to him, so no, it's not universal behavior. In turn, my DS has a younger cousin he would pick on meanly if he could, and I am 100% on top of that. I also wouldn't tolerate him refusing to sit next to his cousin.

So you make him sit by the cousin he picks on and are correcting him constantly? That sounds miserable for all parties.

Yes, I expect him to be able to have good manners for the short time period they are sitting at the table eating. If not, time out. Otherwise, he learns to use bad behavior to get what he wants. For the rest of the time I keep a close eye on him and separate them as needed. They're family so the other option would be to never see them, which is obviously problematic.

What I would suggest for OP is that she give up the idea that the 8 year old and 4 year old are going to play together. Have a plan to keep your 4 year old occupied by himself (screen, toy, game). In this scenario you're not just going to be able to trust that your 4 year old can play unsupervised. Even if the 8 year old's mom was on top of correcting her, you STILL couldn't expect they'd play together nicely. She doesn't have that personality, and you're not paying her to babysit.

Is anyone actually reading this thread? The OP said the 4 year old is minding his own business, doing the kinds of things you suggested, and the 8 year old is messing with him. She's following your advice and the 8 year old is in his face and bothering him.

she needs to be actively separating them.

No, the mother of the 8 year old who is bullying the small child needs to get her child under control.

I can not believe the responses on this thread. So many people allowing kids to behave horribly.

[Anonymous]

Seems like 2 things need to happen here:
Divorce or not, your friend needs to parent her child.

And you need to parent your child when the 3rd grader is around. They obviously need to be away from each other, especially since your child can’t sufficiently self advocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like 2 things need to happen here:
Divorce or not, your friend needs to parent her child.

And you need to parent your child when the 3rd grader is around. They obviously need to be away from each other, especially since your child can’t sufficiently self advocate.

Exactly. Both moms need to be parenting. Not drinking wine in the other room.

[Anonymous]

Same issue. A friend’s son is hateful to my kids every time we get together. He starts out sugary sweet, but then has a huge paranoid blowout. His parents blame my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same issue. A friend’s son is hateful to my kids every time we get together. He starts out sugary sweet, but then has a huge paranoid blowout. His parents blame my children.

It takes two to tango.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8yrs is way too young to expect her to play with a 5yr old. The age gap is way too close but yet way too big. If that makes sense. I have an 8yr old and she literally has no interest in anyone much younger than her unless it is a baby. 8yrs old will easily say they don’t want to sit next to someone. That’s typical for their age. It isn’t even remotely mean.

I can't believe these responses.

An 8 year old should be told it's rude to announce in front of another human that you don't want to sit next to them. This is basic shit people. Yes, it's fine if she has the feelings. Yes, it's fine to not make her sit next to the 5 year old. No, it's not ok to announce it at the table in front of the kid. An 8 year old should know better, but if she doesn't, correct the behavior.

Eh. There is also a gender difference too. My 8 you doesn't want to sit next to another 8 yo boy. Let alone a 5 yo boy with special needs. My daughter would know to whisper this to me instead of announcing at the table, but the feelings would be the same. People are always hypersensitive with their first born.

My SN DS has very sweet older cousins (of both genders) who are very nice to him, so no, it's not universal behavior. In turn, my DS has a younger cousin he would pick on meanly if he could, and I am 100% on top of that. I also wouldn't tolerate him refusing to sit next to his cousin.

So you make him sit by the cousin he picks on and are correcting him constantly? That sounds miserable for all parties.

Yes, I expect him to be able to have good manners for the short time period they are sitting at the table eating. If not, time out. Otherwise, he learns to use bad behavior to get what he wants. For the rest of the time I keep a close eye on him and separate them as needed. They're family so the other option would be to never see them, which is obviously problematic.

What I would suggest for OP is that she give up the idea that the 8 year old and 4 year old are going to play together. Have a plan to keep your 4 year old occupied by himself (screen, toy, game). In this scenario you're not just going to be able to trust that your 4 year old can play unsupervised. Even if the 8 year old's mom was on top of correcting her, you STILL couldn't expect they'd play together nicely. She doesn't have that personality, and you're not paying her to babysit.

Is anyone actually reading this thread? The OP said the 4 year old is minding his own business, doing the kinds of things you suggested, and the 8 year old is messing with him. She's following your advice and the 8 year old is in his face and bothering him.

Sounds like the 4 year old is dominating all the toys and tv and the 8 year old gets bored as she doesn't get anything.

Does your child act like this? Is that why you are defending the behavior of the 8 year old? I was pretty clear that there is no way he could dominate the TV. Whatever few things he found to occupy himself with, she takes. Even the dog toy - my kid picked it up to check it out and she screeched "THAT'S NOT YOURS" and threw it in the kitchen. The dog was like WTF.

She was right. Good for her. Your kid shouldn't play with dog toys. It's not good for him or nice to the dog.

This last response was clearly written by the 8-year-old girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect an 8 year old to regularly play with (and amuse for you) a cognitively impaired 4 year old? And you can't understand why she'd find that frustrating? It sounds like she didn't sign up to be your child's babysitter.

Being mean is not nice, but asking to not need to sit next to "the baby" and entertain him for yet another entire adult dinner party is not really being mean.

I'd make sure you amuse your own child in future, and bring things for him to do so he isn't everyone else's problem. If she's rude then, you can reprimand her.

I have 8 and 10yo kids and many of my friends’ kids are younger. My boys often play without the younger ones without being mean to them.

If my kids rudely said something hurtful to a child, any child, I would correct them on the stop and they would be spoken to later.

And if there was a special needs child, I would tell my children to be extra nice and inclusive.

It sounds like you think the mean child’s behavior is acceptable, which it is not.

+1

[Anonymous]

Use your words:

"It is not okay to talk to him that way."

"You don't have to be friends or play together, but being rude to him is not okay."

"I got this. I’m his Mom. Telling him what to do is my job, not yours."

"Leave him be."

"Go play."

"If you can't say something nice bite your tongue."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use your words:

"It is not okay to talk to him that way."

"You don't have to be friends or play together, but being rude to him is not okay."

"I got this. I’m his Mom. Telling him what to do is my job, not yours."

"Leave him be."

"Go play."

"If you can't say something nice bite your tongue."

If you do this, then you're also going to watch your DS more closely, instead of relying on the girl to do it.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a little b. Sorry you have had this experience op. Her mom should have apologized and corrected her. Being unkind is not acceptable at a party or anywhere.

[Anonymous]

OP, boys and girls play differently, and in your case, the age disparity is too great. In your case, the moms have to see each other without the kids, period. This girl has no interest in being stuck with your son.

There are more than a few couples that we enjoy, but our kids, not so much.

In our neighborhood, there is a family of girls that enjoy going to other people's houses to play. But they are too much of a handful for most moms, because they try to push the other kids around, instead of being gracious guests (a much needed life skill). Their parents don't parent, so no one wants them around

One girl would physically attack a boy in the neighborhood (about a year and a half apart), if she wanted something (a toy or whatever), then blame our the boy. The boy's parents put a stop to that immediately.

It is not enjoyable for the kids, so it is just not worth it, and the parents were watching the whole thing instead of intervening, which was the worst part - kind of sick, if you think about it.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe how many people are defending this terrible 8 year old girl. Op, your biggest priority needs to be protecting your child.

[Anonymous]

When this happens, I speak up and will enforce consequences. If the parents don't like it, they need to address the issue before it escalates, and I get involved. Over the years, the parents have gotten better at stepping in and correcting behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use your words:

"It is not okay to talk to him that way."

"You don't have to be friends or play together, but being rude to him is not okay."

"I got this. I’m his Mom. Telling him what to do is my job, not yours."

"Leave him be."

"Go play."

"If you can't say something nice bite your tongue."

Thanks for this. I regret not saying something to her.