Friend’s 8 year old is awful to my 4 year old

[Anonymous]

One of my friend’s has an 8 year old daughter who is awful to my son, who is almost 5. We are in the same friend circle and the only ones with kids, so the two of them, plus the girl’s older brother, are often together. From the moment my son enters the room, the girl is on him, barking orders at him, making fun of him. The other day, we sat down for dinner and she said loudly “mommy can you sit next to me so I don't have to sit next to baby Larlo?” That was the limit for me and I scolded her sharply in front of everyone and said “That’s not very nice Larla”, at which point my friend also grudgingly chimes in that it was not very nice. To make matters worse, my child has a not-insignificant special need. He’s slightly impaired cognitively and processes language very poorly. We work extremely hard on self advocacy. He’s able to stick up for himself when someone is aggressive with him or mean- like a peer telling him “I’m not your friend” or something like that. I want him to learn self advocacy and I try to give him the words like “stop bossing me around”. But this is new territory for him. I don’t want to sit there and shadow his play, but the alternative is that I let him go and play with the older kids knowing he’s being harangued and ordered around like a peon and being teased. The worst is that he doesn’t even get sometimes that she’s being awful to him and teasing him! (The older brother is extremely nice btw and often defends my child against his sister). So wwyd!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do whole family get-together anymore. If I could still be friends with them after they ignored their daughter being terrible when she’s old enough to know better, then I would see the friends only and get a sitter for my child.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. If that friendship is of value to you, nurture it in another capacity.

[Anonymous]

Does your DS enjoy playing with the older kids or is he upset by them or would rather play near you? I would let that be your guide, rather than your opinion of the way the three children interact.

[Anonymous]

An 8 year old has no interest in a 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar boat where my friend’s 10yo daughter is really mean to my 3yo. She will purposely make her hurt herself and laugh about it. I watched her make her cry and laugh and I scolded her. Before I left, her mom came to see what happened. The 10yo started crying and my friend thought I was harsh. I can’t quite explain it but the 10yo scares me in a creepy way. I have 3 kids and I have encountered a lot of bratty and poorly behaved kids over the years and this girl is the only girl I just don’t want my kids around because she scares me.

Our other mutual friend is also close with the friend and has observed disturbing mean behavior and has distanced herself from that family as well. She has actually said she is scared to leave her kids with the girl.

I have since distanced myself from my friend. I will see her occasionally at adult only gatherings.

I would not hang out as families, OP.

[Anonymous]

So you expect an 8 year old to regularly play with (and amuse for you) a cognitively impaired 4 year old? And you can't understand why she'd find that frustrating? It sounds like she didn't sign up to be your child's babysitter.

Being mean is not nice, but asking to not need to sit next to "the baby" and entertain him for yet another entire adult dinner party is not really being mean.

I'd make sure you amuse your own child in future, and bring things for him to do so he isn't everyone else's problem. If she's rude then, you can reprimand her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An 8 year old has no interest in a 5 year old.

+1

Just about to write this. The age differences start to be really obvious at this juncture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An 8 year old has no interest in a 5 year old.

NP. I have been impressed how well the neighborhood children play together, with wide spans of age. Boys who are 8 and 10 can and do play well with much younger 5 and 6 year olds, but there is also a good deal of teasing, too.

An 8 year old calling a 4 year old a baby isn't awful, IMO. It's just teasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you expect an 8 year old to regularly play with (and amuse for you) a cognitively impaired 4 year old? And you can't understand why she'd find that frustrating? It sounds like she didn't sign up to be your child's babysitter.

Being mean is not nice, but asking to not need to sit next to "the baby" and entertain him for yet another entire adult dinner party is not really being mean.

I'd make sure you amuse your own child in future, and bring things for him to do so he isn't everyone else's problem. If she's rude then, you can reprimand her.

I have 8 and 10yo kids and many of my friends’ kids are younger. My boys often play without the younger ones without being mean to them.

If my kids rudely said something hurtful to a child, any child, I would correct them on the stop and they would be spoken to later.

And if there was a special needs child, I would tell my children to be extra nice and inclusive.

It sounds like you think the mean child’s behavior is acceptable, which it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect an 8 year old to regularly play with (and amuse for you) a cognitively impaired 4 year old? And you can't understand why she'd find that frustrating? It sounds like she didn't sign up to be your child's babysitter.

Being mean is not nice, but asking to not need to sit next to "the baby" and entertain him for yet another entire adult dinner party is not really being mean.

I'd make sure you amuse your own child in future, and bring things for him to do so he isn't everyone else's problem. If she's rude then, you can reprimand her.

I have 8 and 10yo kids and many of my friends’ kids are younger. My boys often play without the younger ones without being mean to them.

If my kids rudely said something hurtful to a child, any child, I would correct them on the stop and they would be spoken to later.

And if there was a special needs child, I would tell my children to be extra nice and inclusive.

It sounds like you think the mean child’s behavior is acceptable, which it is not.

Spoken to later about what?? You need to start respecting your poor kids. You can't force them to sit next to a toddler again and again and be super polite the whole time. It's ridiculous. OP's only "defense" seems to be that the older brother is a saint. Which actually has nothing to do with the girl. Maybe she's expected to do the lion's share of the free babysitting. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect an 8 year old to regularly play with (and amuse for you) a cognitively impaired 4 year old? And you can't understand why she'd find that frustrating? It sounds like she didn't sign up to be your child's babysitter.

Being mean is not nice, but asking to not need to sit next to "the baby" and entertain him for yet another entire adult dinner party is not really being mean.

I'd make sure you amuse your own child in future, and bring things for him to do so he isn't everyone else's problem. If she's rude then, you can reprimand her.

I have 8 and 10yo kids and many of my friends’ kids are younger. My boys often play without the younger ones without being mean to them.

If my kids rudely said something hurtful to a child, any child, I would correct them on the stop and they would be spoken to later.

And if there was a special needs child, I would tell my children to be extra nice and inclusive.

It sounds like you think the mean child’s behavior is acceptable, which it is not.

Spoken to later about what?? You need to start respecting your poor kids. You can't force them to sit next to a toddler again and again and be super polite the whole time. It's ridiculous. OP's only "defense" seems to be that the older brother is a saint. Which actually has nothing to do with the girl. Maybe she's expected to do the lion's share of the free babysitting. Who knows.

I respect my kids fine. I would not be ok with my kids being rude and hurting a special needs kid’s feelings. Maybe that is ok with you but it would not fly in my house.

We often hang out with people whose kids get along with my kids. Sure, there are plenty of kids who don’t want to play with my 3yo. Then there are other girls who play with her and everyone has a good time. Who do you think we hang out with more as a family?

Then DH and I have our own adult friends where we just meet up with as adults. My elementary kids have their own friends. My 3yo has her own friends as well.

[Anonymous]

So you expect a 3rd grader and your preschooler (with some disabilities) to be buddies and play harmoniously together for several hours while parents are off socializing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you expect a 3rd grader and your preschooler (with some disabilities) to be buddies and play harmoniously together for several hours while parents are off socializing?

Of course I do. Have you never been to someone else’s home where the multi age kids go off to another room and watch a movie? Or go to someone’s playroom to check out the toys? in this most recent case they were watching a movie and I 1000 percent expect older children to not antagonize him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you expect a 3rd grader and your preschooler (with some disabilities) to be buddies and play harmoniously together for several hours while parents are off socializing?

Other examples- my friend has some Mardi Gras beads in her living room that my child always plays with when he comes over. So he approached the Mardi Gras beads and she snatched them and said he couldn’t play with them. Also someone had brought a dog to the party and she kept shrieking that my child could not play with the dog. In general my son is very intimidated by girls, I think due to their more complex and advanced language, so he’s not really trying to interfere with whatever she’s doing. She’s just policing every single thing he’s doing- anything he is interested in, she is snatching or saying no he cannot have it. Anything he finds to do that is interesting, she has to take it from him.