A cautionary tale of how not to parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pop psych nonsense.

I'm not a helicopter parent, but the family dynamic you are describing here are really complictaed and not the simple "don't helicopter" cautionary tale you are making it out to be. I don't know why I am arguing with you. 6 pages of responses and almost no one agrees that you should be focusing on this or that you have deduced the moral right from your vantage point.

I think it's stupid to argue that helicopter parenting is not damaging. Of course, more factors played into the story, but nevertheless it's one big damaging one.

I'm starting to think there are many helicopter parents here and you're being defensive.

My moral right... It's a complicated question. Do we have a moral right to call out destructive or inappropriate behavior? Like you are calling out mine here. If you have a right to do it what makes you think I don't?

I am saying the "moral of the story" you are drawing here is not right. This is not an easy case of helicoptering leading to disaster. I am not a helicopter parent, so no defensiveness here. I think we all have a sense helicopter parenting isn't ideal or healthy (for the parent either). But you started a thread about how thsi family is a cautionary tale for helicopter parenting, but there is SO much else going on with this family that helicopter parenting is the not the "moral of the story" here.

I would look into why you are so obsessed with it being the case? Is this a way to assure yourself that your kids won't fall into depression, struggle in school, steal petty cash from an employer in their teenage years? I don't parent this way so my kids are safe" Is there some latent jealousy of the mom and so you are reveling?

[Anonymous]

Well, I do think it is a cautionary tale of what happens when you treat your child as an extension of yourself that must fill your holes of regret.

There are many parents out there who live vicariously through your child and pushing their kids to be overachievers. Like the lady in the other thread who flipped out over daughter's B.

This is a story for them, to see how damaging it is.

Maybe a bit for myself too. Something to think about next time my kid brings a bad grade or when I'm tempted to make decisions for DC.

[Anonymous]

You sound disturbingly nosy and interested in these people. Hope you never need any compassion or latitude yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to be a vicious gossipy bitch who revels in other people's problems and basically gives too many details here so that the kid can be identified by those who know about it. Too much White people drama and dysfunction going on here.

"White people"??

Yes. The kid, his family and the OP...all of them are White. Kidz Bopping away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm not a hovering or a helicopter mom, but I do have self-awareness. I'm aware that right now, I'm speaking as a mom of a 4yo and a 6yo who are healthy, doing very well in school and in preschool, and who are well-behaved. I am aware that I might be struggling when I'm a mom of older kids/tweens/teens, when my kids have issues and challenges that I cannot yet anticipate.

Well, as we've learned, if you suffocate them with your love, ambitions and anxiety, they will have issues and challenges.

Based on your attitude here, I can forcast that your self-righteous attitude, your lack of humility and self-awareness, and the way you relish other people's challenges and pain are going to make you a difficult mom to live with in the older elementary/tween/teen years and beyond.

THIS x 1000. Get ready lady. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. Eventually, one of the bumps will knock the smugness right out of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I do think it is a cautionary tale of what happens when you treat your child as an extension of yourself that must fill your holes of regret.

There are many parents out there who live vicariously through your child and pushing their kids to be overachievers. Like the lady in the other thread who flipped out over daughter's B.

This is a story for them, to see how damaging it is.

Maybe a bit for myself too. Something to think about next time my kid brings a bad grade or when I'm tempted to make decisions for DC.

Really, cause I'm seeing it more as a cautionary tale for having a child with mental illness or having a parent who is overly critical POS. Both things are WAY more impactful (the first likely being the real deal). But you have your "moral" and are sticking to it. Does mental illness run in your family or your husband's family. if not you will likely be ok whether or not you get stressed about Bs.

Drug abuse runs in mine, and I know how powerless any parenting approach is against those genetics. I can only do the best I can. Husband was drug free, husbands brother was a life long addict (now clean). Same loving decent parents.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a single SAHM with too much time on her hands if you ask me.

Eating lunch with her kid each day and then multiple days per week to "lighten up" is crazy. I can't believe the school would allow that to happen.

[Anonymous]

Schadenfreude much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I do think it is a cautionary tale of what happens when you treat your child as an extension of yourself that must fill your holes of regret.

There are many parents out there who live vicariously through your child and pushing their kids to be overachievers. Like the lady in the other thread who flipped out over daughter's B.

This is a story for them, to see how damaging it is.

Maybe a bit for myself too. Something to think about next time my kid brings a bad grade or when I'm tempted to make decisions for DC.

Really, cause I'm seeing it more as a cautionary tale for having a child with mental illness or having a parent who is overly critical POS. Both things are WAY more impactful (the first likely being the real deal). But you have your "moral" and are sticking to it. Does mental illness run in your family or your husband's family. if not you will likely be ok whether or not you get stressed about Bs.

Drug abuse runs in mine, and I know how powerless any parenting approach is against those genetics. I can only do the best I can. Husband was drug free, husbands brother was a life long addict (now clean). Same loving decent parents.

Let's just point out that the kid was not depressed until teenage years. Who wouldn't be depressed with parents like these? Did you know that studies have linked helicopter parenting to depression and anxiety in kids?

It's one thing to have a parent who criticizes you, it's another thing to have a parent who embarrasses you by coming to lunch every day in middle school, goes through your personal stuff and won't let you manage your own life. I don't know which one is worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I do think it is a cautionary tale of what happens when you treat your child as an extension of yourself that must fill your holes of regret.

There are many parents out there who live vicariously through your child and pushing their kids to be overachievers. Like the lady in the other thread who flipped out over daughter's B.

This is a story for them, to see how damaging it is.

Maybe a bit for myself too. Something to think about next time my kid brings a bad grade or when I'm tempted to make decisions for DC.

Really, cause I'm seeing it more as a cautionary tale for having a child with mental illness or having a parent who is overly critical POS. Both things are WAY more impactful (the first likely being the real deal). But you have your "moral" and are sticking to it. Does mental illness run in your family or your husband's family. if not you will likely be ok whether or not you get stressed about Bs.

Drug abuse runs in mine, and I know how powerless any parenting approach is against those genetics. I can only do the best I can. Husband was drug free, husbands brother was a life long addict (now clean). Same loving decent parents.

Let's just point out that the kid was not depressed until teenage years. Who wouldn't be depressed with parents like these? Did you know that studies have linked helicopter parenting to depression and anxiety in kids?

It's one thing to have a parent who criticizes you, it's another thing to have a parent who embarrasses you by coming to lunch every day in middle school, goes through your personal stuff and won't let you manage your own life. I don't know which one is worse.

Mental illness often pops up in teenage years and early college. Helicopter parenting has not been linked to suicidal thoughts and no real studies have even linked it to anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression are up in kids and intensive parenting is up. So maybe. Or maybe there is a lot more pressure on kids and/or a lot more diagnosing of what in the past would be normal teenage angst. Also, in the past a lot of kids self medicated or acted out as a way to control depression and anxiety but today they get real help. Maybe parenting styles have played a role in thsi increase. Maybe not. You don't know and I don't know. But you are sticking with your story here, despite many complicating factors, that this mom's behavior caused her son to go off the rails. I would ask yourself why it's so important to you to believe that this mother's helicoptering caused her son's sucicidal tendencies. Feels like quite a leap to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Schadenfreude much?

Yep. So very gross. And pretending that it is some lesson to be learned from when it is so clearly pleasurable OP.

I am annoyed with some parents at my son's school. But I hope to god that IF their kids ever struggle, I don't take vindictive pleasure in it.

[Anonymous]

Parent of HS student here. Children change so much. It's a long road from age 1 to age 18. Your children will thrill you and occasionally disappoint you -- sometimes within one day of each other.

Most of all, they are their own people. My advice to any parent is to stay humble. Be open minded and flexible. Also be prepared to change, because your child WILL change in ways you cannot anticipate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Schadenfreude much?

Yep. So very gross. And pretending that it is some lesson to be learned from when it is so clearly pleasurable OP.

I am annoyed with some parents at my son's school. But I hope to god that IF their kids ever struggle, I don't take vindictive pleasure in it.

I don't feel any pleasure in the kid's situation. I have personally told his mom she needs to let him see a psychologist, but she won't listen. So if he does have mental illness, it's not diagnosed and not medicated.

However, I'm sort of glad that in this situation is a "You reap what you sow" effect. It's comforting to know that we all eventually face the consequences of our actions.

Yes, sometimes there are things outside of our control and bad things happen to good people, but these are rare exceptions. I know plenty of parents whose kids have survived the teenage years they didn't have any such drama because they were healthy, well-balanced adults that didn't treat their kids like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Scientifically, taking one case and trying to extrapolate to a group is bad practice.

This should be reassuring to you, OP, since none of your acquaintance's problems have any particular risk of applying to your family.

But I know you're just reveling in their setbacks because you used to be jealous of their success.

Let's see how your kids do...

Seriously? Success?? It's a train wreck.

No, I started this thread as a discussion what hovering does to kids and how we can stop it. I tend to do a bit hovering myself, but I really really hope I'm not as bad. Also, I find a lot of other parents these days are helicoptering, or, as a friend of mine says, "I'm not a helicopter mom, I'm a drone mom", droning. At DC's school they invited a child psychologist to speak and he said some parents move in with their kids in college or call their professors asking to allow their kids to retake tests, etc.

College prof here. No, this doesn't happen.

NP. Wrong. I have several fiends who are profs at different schools, several at DCUM faves. They have some crazy stories. One out of Haverford was a student who wouldn’t move into her dorm, so mom stayed behind and they lived out of a hotel together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I do think it is a cautionary tale of what happens when you treat your child as an extension of yourself that must fill your holes of regret.

There are many parents out there who live vicariously through your child and pushing their kids to be overachievers. Like the lady in the other thread who flipped out over daughter's B.

This is a story for them, to see how damaging it is.

Maybe a bit for myself too. Something to think about next time my kid brings a bad grade or when I'm tempted to make decisions for DC.

Really, cause I'm seeing it more as a cautionary tale for having a child with mental illness or having a parent who is overly critical POS. Both things are WAY more impactful (the first likely being the real deal). But you have your "moral" and are sticking to it. Does mental illness run in your family or your husband's family. if not you will likely be ok whether or not you get stressed about Bs.

Drug abuse runs in mine, and I know how powerless any parenting approach is against those genetics. I can only do the best I can. Husband was drug free, husbands brother was a life long addict (now clean). Same loving decent parents.

Let's just point out that the kid was not depressed until teenage years. Who wouldn't be depressed with parents like these? Did you know that studies have linked helicopter parenting to depression and anxiety in kids?

It's one thing to have a parent who criticizes you, it's another thing to have a parent who embarrasses you by coming to lunch every day in middle school, goes through your personal stuff and won't let you manage your own life. I don't know which one is worse.

Most kids don’t develop depression until high school. Because it’s a disease with a strong genetic basis that manifests itself in teens or early 20s. Get a clue lady.