5 great dates then he ghosts. Why?

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes that happens when there's someone else in the picture - either another person he's also dating or someone from his past. In the first case, he's also having nice dates with her and just likes her more, for whatever reason. In the second case, sometimes a guy is mostly single but not entirely, and the girl figures out she's got competition, and then he looks more attractive to her, so she decides to keep him. I've been ghosted or dumped due to both of those.

Let's face it, people generally don't like confrontation. It doesn't feel nice to reject someone and hurt their feelings so they ghost. (on the other hand, sometimes it's better to be ghosted than to have to hear "I'm not into you" or whatever, so maybe you dodged a bullet.) I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Ghosting is rude, but honestly, he decided he was done and didn't want any back and forth. Would it have hurt less if he said he just wasn't that into you? Take it for what it is and move on.

- A woman

[Anonymous]

While I'm with all of you who say, "well, if he's the type to ghost, then he's not worth it anyway" sort of thing, but this kind of behavior does make it less fun to date and makes me more cynical about dating.

Like, why should I bother going on say, five or six dates with someone, spend the time, money, and energy, open myself up to physical intimacy and all of its risks and responsibilities, and yes, begin to form an emotional bond with someone when I know that at any moment they could just ditch with no explanation? And I have to be okay with that?
This kind of thing makes me want to just curl up in a ball in front of Netflix with my dog and be single forever.

I hate, hate, HATE ghosting and the lack of accountability and decency it shows. It rewards people for being cool and detached, and I don't believe that is a good thing. Is it such a horrible thing that I can't force myself to have a "whatever" attitude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like, why should I bother going on say, five or six dates with someone, spend the time, money, and energy, open myself up to physical intimacy and all of its risks and responsibilities, and yes, begin to form an emotional bond with someone when I know that at any moment they could just ditch with no explanation? And I have to be okay with that? This kind of thing makes me want to just curl up in a ball in front of Netflix with my dog and be single forever.

The sad fact is that they can ditch you with no explanation after 20 years of marriage. Ask me how I know!

[Anonymous]

He met someone else, OP. He liked you but he liked her better. He doesn't want to have to explain that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s just not that into you.
That book came out after I was married but I think somehow that very simple concept would have changed my dating life. I don’t know why we look for complicated reasons and justifications. The reason is pretty much always he’s just not that into you and you should move on and find someone who is. Good luck.

I lived by that book when I was single and most of the time it served me really well, except I ended up blowing off the guy I really wanted because he "didn't move mountains" for me. Years later we talked and I found out he was actually crazy about me, he was just insanely shy and thought I wasn't interested.

Who knows, maybe we would have gotten together and not worked out, but sometimes the wondering of what could have been drives me nuts.

There is a movie, Something Borrowed with the same actress that played Marjorie from Big Love. She was in something borrowed (lamenting like you), and she also played one of the main characters in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least you managed five dates. I have been alone for eighteen months now, and despite being a good looking (if not quite beautiful) woman in my late 40s, I have yet to be asked out on a single date by any man. It is a profoundly lonely experience.

I will offer that I have not made any effort to date since my divorce, as my family's and my well being are my priority. Also, I am not online and am referring only to those men that I either already know, meet, or come across in person in real life. And since I do not often socialize in bars, parties, or restaurants, that is admittedly a limited group. But still, you would have thought one of them might ask me out since they either know of my circumstances or can clearly see that I do not wear a wedding band. Of course, some posters will suggest that I do the asking, but if a man is not even attracted enough to ask me out on a date, what is the point?

You can’t sit on the sidelines and expect something to happen. When was the last time you met a single guy and actually flirted with him even if just mildly? If you don’t show any interest in someone they might think that you are just a cold fish.

I was always completely faithful to, and in love with, my ex-husband during our very long marriage, and considered it disrespectful to him to flirt with other men. In fact, because men did flirt with me, and I did not want to lead them on, (especially when I was in my 20s and 30s), I did become adept at building a sort of "wall of propriety" in my relationships with other men so that they knew where I stood. I suppose many of the men I am friends and acquaintances with came to view me as a platonic good friend, sister-type, or even wing-person in some cases. So the answer is no, I have not flirted with anyone other than my husband since I was 21 years old, and it feels unnatural and awkward when I even attempt more personal conversation now. I could therefore use posters' advice on flirting. What do I say or do?

[Anonymous]

Dating early on is meant to casual and with low expectations.
You are in the getting to know each other.

This is why I don't sleep on 3rd date. Honestly it would
be very awkward to have the STD conversation on
3rd date. I know I'm the exception here but sleeping
with someone on date 2 or 3 seems awkward to me.

5 dates is not a relationship.

When you are dating non exclusively men are supposed to be meeting a variety of women and women are supposed
to be meeting a variety of men. That is the real
definition of dating.

Women in particular are bad about creating a relationship
in their head way too soon.

Dating can be treacherous. I always have low expectations
when I date and enjoy being pleasantly surprised.

When I meet new men I make a point of finding out
when their last relationship ended. If it is less than
6 months prior the guy or girl has high odds of not
being over the prior relationship and even getting
back together. I steer clear of dating men who just
broke up in their marriage or broke up with a girl
less than 6 months prior.

Signed, a woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I'm with all of you who say, "well, if he's the type to ghost, then he's not worth it anyway" sort of thing, but this kind of behavior does make it less fun to date and makes me more cynical about dating.

Like, why should I bother going on say, five or six dates with someone, spend the time, money, and energy, open myself up to physical intimacy and all of its risks and responsibilities, and yes, begin to form an emotional bond with someone when I know that at any moment they could just ditch with no explanation? And I have to be okay with that?
This kind of thing makes me want to just curl up in a ball in front of Netflix with my dog and be single forever.

I hate, hate, HATE ghosting and the lack of accountability and decency it shows. It rewards people for being cool and detached, and I don't believe that is a good thing. Is it such a horrible thing that I can't force myself to have a "whatever" attitude?

It is one of the reasons I slow down physical intimacy. If I get ghosted for not sleeping together on date 3 so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went on what I thought were 5 great dates: constant easy, engaging conversation and good physical chemistry then all of a sudden he disappears. Why do men do that?

Sometimes the physical chemistry isn’t as good as you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went on what I thought were 5 great dates: constant easy, engaging conversation and good physical chemistry then all of a sudden he disappears. Why do men do that?

You are casually dating. Five dates is not a relationship. He does not owe a reason after 5 dates. Nor do you. He's just not that into you.

Honestly even up to 8 - 10 - 12 dates is casual dating.

Have low expectations. Enjoy the dates. Dating should be light, enjoyable, low pressure. etc.

Five dates is still casually dating, meeting other people, non exclusive etc. He does not owe you any explanation nor would you in the reverse situation

signed, a woman

If you have a minimum of respect for others, you should at least say a few words. I can't stand people who think ghosting is normal.

Meh, this is simply not true. Even when you break it to a person honestly, they still feel like you are a jerk. Getting broken up with is painful any way you slice t.

Not having a 6th date is not a break up. A break up would be after dating 5-6-7 months or so. There are a lot of clingy/needy people out there--men and women.
Those who are creating a "relationship in their own mind when none exists" probably need to stay out the dating pool for awhile and work on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating early on is meant to casual and with low expectations.
You are in the getting to know each other.

This is why I don't sleep on 3rd date. Honestly it would
be very awkward to have the STD conversation on
3rd date. I know I'm the exception here but sleeping
with someone on date 2 or 3 seems awkward to me.

5 dates is not a relationship.

When you are dating non exclusively men are supposed to be meeting a variety of women and women are supposed
to be meeting a variety of men. That is the real
definition of dating.

Women in particular are bad about creating a relationship
in their head way too soon.

Dating can be treacherous. I always have low expectations
when I date and enjoy being pleasantly surprised.

When I meet new men I make a point of finding out
when their last relationship ended. If it is less than
6 months prior the guy or girl has high odds of not
being over the prior relationship and even getting
back together. I steer clear of dating men who just
broke up in their marriage or broke up with a girl
less than 6 months prior.

Signed, a woman

I am ghosting on you after your one post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I'm with all of you who say, "well, if he's the type to ghost, then he's not worth it anyway" sort of thing, but this kind of behavior does make it less fun to date and makes me more cynical about dating.

Like, why should I bother going on say, five or six dates with someone, spend the time, money, and energy, open myself up to physical intimacy and all of its risks and responsibilities, and yes, begin to form an emotional bond with someone when I know that at any moment they could just ditch with no explanation? And I have to be okay with that?
This kind of thing makes me want to just curl up in a ball in front of Netflix with my dog and be single forever.

I hate, hate, HATE ghosting and the lack of accountability and decency it shows. It rewards people for being cool and detached, and I don't believe that is a good thing. Is it such a horrible thing that I can't force myself to have a "whatever" attitude?

This is all a part of dating - it's a crapshoot. And at the end of the day, if someone ghosts or is honest about not continuing to date, the result is the same, you are no longer together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s just not that into you.
That book came out after I was married but I think somehow that very simple concept would have changed my dating life. I don’t know why we look for complicated reasons and justifications. The reason is pretty much always he’s just not that into you and you should move on and find someone who is. Good luck.

This. Such a simple premise, and yet so helpful. It doesn’t really matter why he did it. Time to move on.

If only it was so easy to maturely accept the fact and move on. Another point for op to consider: a person who ghosts you isn't worthy of another thought.

It should be, after 5 dates.

Both men and women in the dating pool need to have thick skins. If you can't take rejection you need to stay on the sidelines for awhile and work on yourself.




Yes, it should be but, sadly, it isn't.

Why are you giving so much emotional power to someone you barely know?

[Anonymous]

In recent years, men have become convinced that the dating odds are against them and that they have to “right swipe” dozens of women to get one response. They compensate by casting a huge net and then whittling down the catch afterwards.

Technology has turned dating into a brutal numbers game.