Parents are NOT notified by the college if the child gets in trouble, e.g. drugs, alcohol in dorm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

Sure. And if your child (who is a legal adult) wants you notified, he or she can do it, or ask a friend to do it. But that's different that the school doing it on its own. Surely you see the difference?

I do not understand why a concerned person can't call parents/friends/family when they are concerned.

Why not. It's not a medical doctor releasing private information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

What's stopping your kid from notifying you? Every family is not like yours and every situation is not the same.

I would have called my mother to discuss a sexual assault. I would have felt thoroughly violated for a second time and without any agency whatsoever if some "policies and procedures" Dean I hadn't even heard of before my assault called up my parents and read them a police report and gave them the lowdown on what they were doing as an institution. That's really unhealthy...

Have you ever stopped to consider that sometimes the person who has been harmed or who is in trouble isn't ABLE to call? Yes, the institutions should call if a person has been harmed. I think you have problems if you would feel "violated" by that. It is totally weird that you keep using that word and it indicates a mental health issue for you.

Once again, for the chronically stubborn - the institution cannot legally make the call you want it to. If it does, it faces substantial civil liability.

How many times does this have to be repeated before you people you understand? Do I need to copy this sentence and just paste in in new posts periodically? JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

Yeah, it’s some ornery people in this world and even more who are just plain apathetic. Guess parents need to stop babying their kids til they’re 25 and instead prepare them to function on their own to avoid the harsh realities of life in a world where nobody is inclined to baby their legally adult kids for them so they better be able to take care of themselves.

Do you have no friends.

Because I’m an adult and when I am going through this “harsh world” I am 100% not doing it alone.

What a sad and pathetic life you sound like you have.

I have friends, yes, and more importantly (and more relevant to this post) I have instilled and reinforced honesty, compassion/respect, responsibility, accountability, and courage in my kids along with the knowledge that their personal welfare in this world basically boils down to their decisions. I’ve awakened them to the fact that mommy and daddy aren’t Wonder Woman and Superman and we aren’t going to be able to come flying in to save them in their adulthood so they have to save themselves by staying out of trouble in the first place. Maybe my perspective is different since as African-Americans we have to start preparing our kids for a harsh world that doesn’t care about them as early as their elementary years. I wish we had the privilege of expecting everyone to take care of them as we would and expecting every environment they venture into to see them well into adulthood as babies to be pampered and protected like we do, but sadly we don’t.

You have instilled in your kids that her parents won't provide moral support in the face of a tragedy and they need to take care of it themselves because they are "adults" ..... that is a sad. Seriously lady. Your post sounds manic.

Maybe your community could create more safety nets and not let kids sink or swim. It's not a recipe for success.

Your insinuation is obtuse and overreaching but I would expect nothing less. Draw whatever idiotic conclusions you wish about me based on erroneous assumption but bear in mind I’m not the one panicking about how ill-prepared my child is for adulthood.

You are self righteous and I'm not the 1st to tell you this.

I obviously hit the nail on the head or you would not come back so strong.

The only thing that is obvious is your animus towards anyone who dares dissent from your opinion. And if I were as fond of foolish presumption as you I would argue that you also seem irritated by educated and empowered African-Americans, but that’s neither here nor there in relation to this discussion. There is no question that communication is vital to all relationships whether personal or professional and while I would hope that a university would communicate to me as a parent about the unfortunate incidents and inappropriate activities of my college kid, I don’t expect it. And that is exactly why I stress the importance of open communication with my child so that they are encouraged and inclined to share anything with me.

[Anonymous]

It takes full agency away from the individual to take away their rights to privacy of health information or control over their own story with something like assault. Even young adults should have rights to privacy and to making decisions about what information about themselves they want shared.

It is known that at colleges that call parents, students are less likely to seek medical help for alcohol intoxication or sexual or mental health or for support if they were assaulted. So there are health risks to informing parents as students just choose to not seek help so their issue won't be known to the college.

Hospitals will notify you if the person is unconscious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

Yeah, it’s some ornery people in this world and even more who are just plain apathetic. Guess parents need to stop babying their kids til they’re 25 and instead prepare them to function on their own to avoid the harsh realities of life in a world where nobody is inclined to baby their legally adult kids for them so they better be able to take care of themselves.

Do you have no friends.

Because I’m an adult and when I am going through this “harsh world” I am 100% not doing it alone.

What a sad and pathetic life you sound like you have.

I have friends, yes, and more importantly (and more relevant to this post) I have instilled and reinforced honesty, compassion/respect, responsibility, accountability, and courage in my kids along with the knowledge that their personal welfare in this world basically boils down to their decisions. I’ve awakened them to the fact that mommy and daddy aren’t Wonder Woman and Superman and we aren’t going to be able to come flying in to save them in their adulthood so they have to save themselves by staying out of trouble in the first place. Maybe my perspective is different since as African-Americans we have to start preparing our kids for a harsh world that doesn’t care about them as early as their elementary years. I wish we had the privilege of expecting everyone to take care of them as we would and expecting every environment they venture into to see them well into adulthood as babies to be pampered and protected like we do, but sadly we don’t.

You have instilled in your kids that her parents won't provide moral support in the face of a tragedy and they need to take care of it themselves because they are "adults" ..... that is a sad. Seriously lady. Your post sounds manic.

Maybe your community could create more safety nets and not let kids sink or swim. It's not a recipe for success.

Your insinuation is obtuse and overreaching but I would expect nothing less. Draw whatever idiotic conclusions you wish about me based on erroneous assumption but bear in mind I’m not the one panicking about how ill-prepared my child is for adulthood.

You are self righteous and I'm not the 1st to tell you this.

I obviously hit the nail on the head or you would not come back so strong.

The only thing that is obvious is your animus towards anyone who dares dissent from your opinion. And if I were as fond of foolish presumption as you I would argue that you also seem irritated by educated and empowered African-Americans, but that’s neither here nor there in relation to this discussion. There is no question that communication is vital to all relationships whether personal or professional and while I would hope that a university would communicate to me as a parent about the unfortunate incidents and inappropriate activities of my college kid, I don’t expect it. And that is exactly why I stress the importance of open communication with my child so that they are encouraged and inclined to share anything with me.

There is no reason a safety plan can be in place.

And you have been more lucky than skilled at your parenting.

Hope your luck doesn’t change but if I does I hope it comes with some personal growth.

[Anonymous]

College is not boarding school. Professors do not take attendance and it isn’t their job to reach out to students.

However my professor DH has emailed the dean of a student seems to be depressed or suffering from a mental illness that is affecting their performance. If the student has disclosed that they have a mental illness and provided documentation to him from the disability services office, he will notify them if he has concerns. And those offices do follow up.

He does not provide information to the parents who call to ask about academic progress or grades (at least 4 per semester).

His college sends parents notification if the student is being out on academic probation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You will only get this type of notification if your 18+ child is attending a very small private LAC....i.e.,, Roanoke College, St. John's College. Even then, they don't technically have to tell you anything as your child is an adult. However, small private LACs tend to offer a more "TLC"approach.

If the student hasn’t signed a waiver it violates FERPA - a federal law.

Both of our children signed FERPA and HIPPA waivers as conditions of us paying 95% of the freight (didn't qualify for merit; didn't get more than min $5K loan from FAFSA). One is SN. You can't advocate with the Office of Disability Services (ODS) if you don't have a FERPA waiver. We wanted to be notified if either one of our children had a legal or health waiver. HAving those waivers is the only way to get it. Otherwise, you will wind up like a friend who didn't know her own son was flunking out of college until she accidentally tore open a letter from the college sent to the home (because he was supposed to be there - he had already been kicked out for bad grades - she didn't know). It's infuriating but the way Colleges want it to give them more control over situations on campus. It's especially important in the era of me-too and sexual assault allegations being tossed right and left and Colleges generally making a muck of the on-campus legal reviews.

Thanks for this. I have a teen with special needs and am struggling with the idea of letting him go far away without our supervision.

Definitely look for an institution with a strong ODS office. There are a number of books that can help you evaluate that but one quick way is to see how many employees work in the ODS office commpared to total number of students on campus. A lot of colleges make promises about accommodation but fail, especially when dealing with a professor who won't comply with the program set out by ODS. From day one we were involved in one child's meetings (and she was 17 but emotionally 12) with ODS to establish what supports the university would give and what they would not. There were several times when DD's self-advocacy with a professor didn't work and we had to ask for a meeting. Some professors were so rude they wouldn't even listen long enough to hear the "We have a FERPA waiver" before saying "I won't talk to parents" and hanging up. which is where, unfortunately, you have to get ODS involved. So, yes, if you have a SN kids, read up on FERPA waivers. It's very easy to do but you have to be aware of them. The first time I ever encountered one of these issues was when a relative had a DD at an elite SLAC you would know the name of. She just stopped attending classes and flunked first term grades. Her parents, who were paying $60K+ a year were never notified. She was not special needs. So FERPA waivers were an understood rule in our family if we are paying for the education. Also, if my DS has been accused of sexual assault, I want to know immediately so I can hire the best lawyer for him and try to get the mess away from a campus tribunal. Early intervention in something like that is key. Fortunately, that has never come up, but it can.

Keep in mind too that the school won't NOTIFY you if you have a FERPA waiver, but you can call and ask for the information with a FERPA waiver. The school isn't calling or sending any parents attendance records, and professors don't know who signed a FERPA waiver or not so they shouldn't talk to parents unless they've been informed by the appropriate office that they can.

It's insane that if my child does not attend class for 2 weeks nobody is called. If a professor (who I assume is an adult) did not show up, somebody would be called. If they could not find the person the police would be notified.

The professor is required to attend each class (barring accounted-for illness or documented leave, of course) as a condition of employment, moron.

The student is not required to attend class; failure to do so may lead to a warning or failure, yes; natural consequences and all that. Once the class is paid for, the student may choose to attend, or not; and the consequences will be an incomplete or a poor final grade if they fail to show up.

The professor may reach out to the student, and may pass on a concern to a dean or other member of the leadership team, who could engage resident life/student services. Yes, out of concern. The student also probably has friends, RAs, and other people who would ask around if they didn't show up for stuff. LIKE IN LIFE, LIKE IN ADULT LIFE. But no one is REQUIRED to ask around or try to get in touch; like in life, like in adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

Then your child can call or txt you. No one else is allowed to do so without your adult child's express permission.

You want a schizophrenic person to call their parent? You realize how stupid that sounds right?

Why would you send a schizophrenic young adult so far away from family support in the first place? You can't expect the school to know that the kid is severely mentally ill.

I can say that most of the college kids that I knew back in the day were busy spreading their wings and would not have wanted the school calling their parents like that. It would have been a huge invasion of privacy.

As a parent, your best bet is to maintain your line of communication with your kid and don't freak out every time they mention something happening that is less than ideal. No you don't need to step in for them and handle things because taking care of themselves and handling life's problems is up to them now. If they were living on their own and working full time, no one would be calling you to tell you that they were partying too much or in an abusive relationship or feeling depressed.

It's not high school part 2, it's not boarding school, it's not a supervised activity. Your young adult college kid is now responsible for their own self monitoring. If they need another year or two at home before they are ready to live away at college that is not the end of the world. But don't send a shaky kid off to college thinking that someone is gong to be watching over them, because that isn't going to happen. It will be peer pressure X 1000, new found freedom and a lot of responsibility thrown at them all at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You will only get this type of notification if your 18+ child is attending a very small private LAC....i.e.,, Roanoke College, St. John's College. Even then, they don't technically have to tell you anything as your child is an adult. However, small private LACs tend to offer a more "TLC"approach.

If the student hasn’t signed a waiver it violates FERPA - a federal law.

Both of our children signed FERPA and HIPPA waivers as conditions of us paying 95% of the freight (didn't qualify for merit; didn't get more than min $5K loan from FAFSA). One is SN. You can't advocate with the Office of Disability Services (ODS) if you don't have a FERPA waiver. We wanted to be notified if either one of our children had a legal or health waiver. HAving those waivers is the only way to get it. Otherwise, you will wind up like a friend who didn't know her own son was flunking out of college until she accidentally tore open a letter from the college sent to the home (because he was supposed to be there - he had already been kicked out for bad grades - she didn't know). It's infuriating but the way Colleges want it to give them more control over situations on campus. It's especially important in the era of me-too and sexual assault allegations being tossed right and left and Colleges generally making a muck of the on-campus legal reviews.

Thanks for this. I have a teen with special needs and am struggling with the idea of letting him go far away without our supervision.

Definitely look for an institution with a strong ODS office. There are a number of books that can help you evaluate that but one quick way is to see how many employees work in the ODS office commpared to total number of students on campus. A lot of colleges make promises about accommodation but fail, especially when dealing with a professor who won't comply with the program set out by ODS. From day one we were involved in one child's meetings (and she was 17 but emotionally 12) with ODS to establish what supports the university would give and what they would not. There were several times when DD's self-advocacy with a professor didn't work and we had to ask for a meeting. Some professors were so rude they wouldn't even listen long enough to hear the "We have a FERPA waiver" before saying "I won't talk to parents" and hanging up. which is where, unfortunately, you have to get ODS involved. So, yes, if you have a SN kids, read up on FERPA waivers. It's very easy to do but you have to be aware of them. The first time I ever encountered one of these issues was when a relative had a DD at an elite SLAC you would know the name of. She just stopped attending classes and flunked first term grades. Her parents, who were paying $60K+ a year were never notified. She was not special needs. So FERPA waivers were an understood rule in our family if we are paying for the education. Also, if my DS has been accused of sexual assault, I want to know immediately so I can hire the best lawyer for him and try to get the mess away from a campus tribunal. Early intervention in something like that is key. Fortunately, that has never come up, but it can.

Keep in mind too that the school won't NOTIFY you if you have a FERPA waiver, but you can call and ask for the information with a FERPA waiver. The school isn't calling or sending any parents attendance records, and professors don't know who signed a FERPA waiver or not so they shouldn't talk to parents unless they've been informed by the appropriate office that they can.

It's insane that if my child does not attend class for 2 weeks nobody is called. If a professor (who I assume is an adult) did not show up, somebody would be called. If they could not find the person the police would be notified.

None of my college professors even took attendance, so they wouldn't have known if I missed 2 weeks of class or not. I have a relative who used to show up to the first day to collect the syllabus, and then on test days only - he always set the curve for the class so clearly didn't need to sit through it.

Re: the last reply above: What you describe is why smaller colleges with small classes are far better for many students. Your cousin could miss gigantic lectures and never be missed, and no one would know or care if he was blowing off lectures but still excelling, as he was, or blowing off lectures and totally MIA. (I'm glad it was the former!)

When we visited colleges with DC, the smaller LACs emphasized how even (or especially) in freshman year, classes were small enough that if a student missed class, someone would notice and the professor would contact the student--from a position of "Is all OK?" rather than a position of "You're in trouble!" That's a reflection of both size and the college culture. I'm not knocking big schools with big lectures, just noting that smaller schools may be preferable for many students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a nasty group of people on this thread. Why belittle, insult and demean someone asking a legitimate question about the potential welfare of their kid?

Yeah, it’s some ornery people in this world and even more who are just plain apathetic. Guess parents need to stop babying their kids til they’re 25 and instead prepare them to function on their own to avoid the harsh realities of life in a world where nobody is inclined to baby their legally adult kids for them so they better be able to take care of themselves.

Do you have no friends.

Because I’m an adult and when I am going through this “harsh world” I am 100% not doing it alone.

What a sad and pathetic life you sound like you have.

I have friends, yes, and more importantly (and more relevant to this post) I have instilled and reinforced honesty, compassion/respect, responsibility, accountability, and courage in my kids along with the knowledge that their personal welfare in this world basically boils down to their decisions. I’ve awakened them to the fact that mommy and daddy aren’t Wonder Woman and Superman and we aren’t going to be able to come flying in to save them in their adulthood so they have to save themselves by staying out of trouble in the first place. Maybe my perspective is different since as African-Americans we have to start preparing our kids for a harsh world that doesn’t care about them as early as their elementary years. I wish we had the privilege of expecting everyone to take care of them as we would and expecting every environment they venture into to see them well into adulthood as babies to be pampered and protected like we do, but sadly we don’t.

You have instilled in your kids that her parents won't provide moral support in the face of a tragedy and they need to take care of it themselves because they are "adults" ..... that is a sad. Seriously lady. Your post sounds manic.

Maybe your community could create more safety nets and not let kids sink or swim. It's not a recipe for success.

Your insinuation is obtuse and overreaching but I would expect nothing less. Draw whatever idiotic conclusions you wish about me based on erroneous assumption but bear in mind I’m not the one panicking about how ill-prepared my child is for adulthood.

You are self righteous and I'm not the 1st to tell you this.

I obviously hit the nail on the head or you would not come back so strong.

The only thing that is obvious is your animus towards anyone who dares dissent from your opinion. And if I were as fond of foolish presumption as you I would argue that you also seem irritated by educated and empowered African-Americans, but that’s neither here nor there in relation to this discussion. There is no question that communication is vital to all relationships whether personal or professional and while I would hope that a university would communicate to me as a parent about the unfortunate incidents and inappropriate activities of my college kid, I don’t expect it. And that is exactly why I stress the importance of open communication with my child so that they are encouraged and inclined to share anything with me.

There is no reason a safety plan can be in place.

And you have been more lucky than skilled at your parenting.

Hope your luck doesn’t change but if I does I hope it comes with some personal growth.

Suppositions about my lot in life aside, when there is no policy present mandating that mommy and daddy be alerted for every infraction and circumstance then the burden of ensuring parents are made aware of situations that occur is on the student. With that in mind there is a conjunctive burden on parents to reinforce open communication with their child so in the event something occurs the student is inclined to alert mommy and daddy of occurrences no matter how painful or embarrassing or distressing or objectionable.

[Anonymous]

I was raped when I was a college sophomore (2007). I would have been furious if the college called my parents without my permission. I love my mother, she has a lot of amazing qualities about her, but she's an anxious person. She would have made the experience SO much worse.

I did tell her a month later when I was in a better space mentally.

Reading some of these replies makes me think a lot of your kids would be in my position to. Youd just make it worse.

You want your kid to come to you when something goes wrong? Make it a safe place. This needs to be started early. Don't overreact to things. Don't throw things in their face or guilt them. Be a solution to the problem, not an added issue. As much as I wanted to tell my mom right away, the voice in the back of my head was going "nope she's going to freak out. She's going to book a flight out here immediately. She's going to be on top of you trying to make sure you're ok. She's going to bring up the idea of moving schools. ". And that's exactly what she did, but thankfully I was in a better head space then and could deal with it.

[Anonymous]

At orientation my DCs state university said parents would be notified of any ethics violations and drugs are that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You will only get this type of notification if your 18+ child is attending a very small private LAC....i.e.,, Roanoke College, St. John's College. Even then, they don't technically have to tell you anything as your child is an adult. However, small private LACs tend to offer a more "TLC"approach.

If the student hasn’t signed a waiver it violates FERPA - a federal law.

The LAC I attended did not notify parents of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 18 I protested against something my parents believe in, and got arrested on campus. My parents were not contacted.

When I was 18 I got pregnant and got counseled at the student health center and they referred me to an abortion clinic when I decided that's what I wanted. My parents would not have approved and were not contacted.

I handled my own life without my parents, aside from paying for my education.

Sounds like you made bad decisions and would have benefitted from parental involvement.

[Anonymous]

A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.