Parents are NOT notified by the college if the child gets in trouble, e.g. drugs, alcohol in dorm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

Play it however you want to in your mind, but anyone 18+ is legally an adult. Therefore, they have LEGAL rights to privacy.

Now, can you as a parent set certain standards of communication and behavior, or you won't pay for college? Absolutely. But you still don't have a LEGAL right to certain information unless your son or daughter OPTS-IN to signing waivers, lists you as an emergency contact, signs forms saying you may be contacted or informed or have access to certain info. Work out your standards and your plan with your son or daughter.

The doctors in the health center don't have the LEGAL RIGHT to contact you *unless your son or daughter explicitly gives them permission to do so;* or unless they are incapacitated and you are listed as the emergency contact. It's not a matter of they should or they should make that judgment call; they LEGALLY CANNOT, do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 18 I protested against something my parents believe in, and got arrested on campus. My parents were not contacted.

When I was 18 I got pregnant and got counseled at the student health center and they referred me to an abortion clinic when I decided that's what I wanted. My parents would not have approved and were not contacted.

I handled my own life without my parents, aside from paying for my education.

Sounds like you made bad decisions and would have benefitted from parental involvement.

Not that pp, but I made a ton of bad decisions in college - which I suffered the consequences for and learned huge lessons from. You can't expect a fledgling young adult to do everything perfectly. They will test the waters and sometimes they will trip up. Having Mommy and Daddy swoop in and handle things for them may not be as helpful as you think. Screwing up at 18 is not great but it's a whole lot better than still being an immature "kid" at 28.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

There's an easy answer to this. If your son or daughter is at the slower end of the maturity spectrum and you are concerned about how well they will handle full independence, DON"T SEND THEM AWAY TO A RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE.

A rule of thumb I read in an essay a few months back suck with me. "If you are not comfortable leaving your son or daughter alone in your home for 3 months, they are not ready to go to college."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

Play it however you want to in your mind, but anyone 18+ is legally an adult. Therefore, they have LEGAL rights to privacy.

Now, can you as a parent set certain standards of communication and behavior, or you won't pay for college? Absolutely. But you still don't have a LEGAL right to certain information unless your son or daughter OPTS-IN to signing waivers, lists you as an emergency contact, signs forms saying you may be contacted or informed or have access to certain info. Work out your standards and your plan with your son or daughter.

The doctors in the health center don't have the LEGAL RIGHT to contact you *unless your son or daughter explicitly gives them permission to do so;* or unless they are incapacitated and you are listed as the emergency contact. It's not a matter of they should or they should make that judgment call; they LEGALLY CANNOT, do you get it?

I daresay most of us understand there is a legal right involved here. What some of us are saying is that it doesn't mean that right is always "right" for everyone. There are kids for whom a strict adherence to the "legal right" is not the best thing and may actually cause more problems. I personally had no issues in college but I saw kids who did and floundered despite turning up freshman year in the belief they were fully prepared. A PP above me claimed you should know your child isn't ready for a residential college, but it's not always clear either. A 18 year old student can be fully functional and great and responsible in high school and then go off to college the next year and suddenly feel overwhelmed by the lack of structure and freedom and demands for greater personal responsibilities, or fall into the wrong cliques and let drink and drugs consume them. It happens. I've seen it happen.

I'll reiterate what I wrote earlier and say I don't know what the best answer is, but I still think some of you are deliberately failing to understand or recognize life is much more complicated than the assumption everyone is a properly responsible and functioning adult at age 18.

[Anonymous]

Some people still make bad decisions in their 60s...that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be treated like adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

Play it however you want to in your mind, but anyone 18+ is legally an adult. Therefore, they have LEGAL rights to privacy.

Now, can you as a parent set certain standards of communication and behavior, or you won't pay for college? Absolutely. But you still don't have a LEGAL right to certain information unless your son or daughter OPTS-IN to signing waivers, lists you as an emergency contact, signs forms saying you may be contacted or informed or have access to certain info. Work out your standards and your plan with your son or daughter.

The doctors in the health center don't have the LEGAL RIGHT to contact you *unless your son or daughter explicitly gives them permission to do so;* or unless they are incapacitated and you are listed as the emergency contact. It's not a matter of they should or they should make that judgment call; they LEGALLY CANNOT, do you get it?

I daresay most of us understand there is a legal right involved here. What some of us are saying is that it doesn't mean that right is always "right" for everyone. There are kids for whom a strict adherence to the "legal right" is not the best thing and may actually cause more problems. I personally had no issues in college but I saw kids who did and floundered despite turning up freshman year in the belief they were fully prepared. A PP above me claimed you should know your child isn't ready for a residential college, but it's not always clear either. A 18 year old student can be fully functional and great and responsible in high school and then go off to college the next year and suddenly feel overwhelmed by the lack of structure and freedom and demands for greater personal responsibilities, or fall into the wrong cliques and let drink and drugs consume them. It happens. I've seen it happen.

I'll reiterate what I wrote earlier and say I don't know what the best answer is, but I still think some of you are deliberately failing to understand or recognize life is much more complicated than the assumption everyone is a properly responsible and functioning adult at age 18.

Realize that when an 18 year old freshman does screw up at college that they will still have a roof over their head, meals on the table and access to healthcare (mental healthcare, too). In the real world they would be evicted, homeless, hungry with limited to no access to healthcare.

A college kid going to parties with other college age peers is in a different situation than a college age student partying with a much older 20 and 30 something crowd.

So, yes, while college may not be perfectly "kid proofed" it also is a much less harsh realty than what the real world is. It's independent adulthood with safety nets and training wheels. But if your kid is not ready and you are highly concerned that failure is likely - better to keep them closer to home in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people still make bad decisions in their 60s...that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be treated like adults.

Lol, that is the truth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

Play it however you want to in your mind, but anyone 18+ is legally an adult. Therefore, they have LEGAL rights to privacy.

Now, can you as a parent set certain standards of communication and behavior, or you won't pay for college? Absolutely. But you still don't have a LEGAL right to certain information unless your son or daughter OPTS-IN to signing waivers, lists you as an emergency contact, signs forms saying you may be contacted or informed or have access to certain info. Work out your standards and your plan with your son or daughter.

The doctors in the health center don't have the LEGAL RIGHT to contact you *unless your son or daughter explicitly gives them permission to do so;* or unless they are incapacitated and you are listed as the emergency contact. It's not a matter of they should or they should make that judgment call; they LEGALLY CANNOT, do you get it?

I daresay most of us understand there is a legal right involved here. What some of us are saying is that it doesn't mean that right is always "right" for everyone. There are kids for whom a strict adherence to the "legal right" is not the best thing and may actually cause more problems. I personally had no issues in college but I saw kids who did and floundered despite turning up freshman year in the belief they were fully prepared. A PP above me claimed you should know your child isn't ready for a residential college, but it's not always clear either. A 18 year old student can be fully functional and great and responsible in high school and then go off to college the next year and suddenly feel overwhelmed by the lack of structure and freedom and demands for greater personal responsibilities, or fall into the wrong cliques and let drink and drugs consume them. It happens. I've seen it happen.

I'll reiterate what I wrote earlier and say I don't know what the best answer is, but I still think some of you are deliberately failing to understand or recognize life is much more complicated than the assumption everyone is a properly responsible and functioning adult at age 18.

The answer starts with letting go of any notion that the law isn't the law, or that the law can be bent or change for you.

-You can absolutely wait to send your child to a residential 4-year until they are ready; going away for college isn't for everyone. You can look at options close to home so your son or daughter can live at home while taking classes.

-You can absolutely outline a set of standards that your son or daughter will follow if they expect you to pay for a 4-year residential college experience. That's between you and your son or daughter.

-What you CAN'T do is expect laws and policies related to people who are adults in the eyes of the law to change or be bent for you, personally. That's absurd. The laws and policies are clear and there to be read: you may not pick and choose which work for you, personally. You can work out a path that does work for you, but it must abide by laws and policies.

-If you want to challenge a law or a policy, feel free; there are ways to do that. Hand-wringing on DCUM ain't one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

There's an easy answer to this. If your son or daughter is at the slower end of the maturity spectrum and you are concerned about how well they will handle full independence, DON"T SEND THEM AWAY TO A RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE.

A rule of thumb I read in an essay a few months back suck with me. "If you are not comfortable leaving your son or daughter alone in your home for 3 months, they are not ready to go to college."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

Then your child can call or txt you. No one else is allowed to do so without your adult child's express permission.

You want a schizophrenic person to call their parent? You realize how stupid that sounds right?

Why would you send a schizophrenic young adult so far away from family support in the first place? You can't expect the school to know that the kid is severely mentally ill.

I can say that most of the college kids that I knew back in the day were busy spreading their wings and would not have wanted the school calling their parents like that. It would have been a huge invasion of privacy.

As a parent, your best bet is to maintain your line of communication with your kid and don't freak out every time they mention something happening that is less than ideal. No you don't need to step in for them and handle things because taking care of themselves and handling life's problems is up to them now. If they were living on their own and working full time, no one would be calling you to tell you that they were partying too much or in an abusive relationship or feeling depressed.

It's not high school part 2, it's not boarding school, it's not a supervised activity. Your young adult college kid is now responsible for their own self monitoring. If they need another year or two at home before they are ready to live away at college that is not the end of the world. But don't send a shaky kid off to college thinking that someone is gong to be watching over them, because that isn't going to happen. It will be peer pressure X 1000, new found freedom and a lot of responsibility thrown at them all at once.

Are you daft? Do you not know mental illness often hits after 18. Do you have any basic knowledge or ado you often spout off about things you know nothing about.

My work is also not a supervised activity but we call family when there is a concern.

[Anonymous]

18 year olds are legal adults. I'm not sure why the OP
is helicoptering. For 1000's of years 18 year olds have been
living on their own, making their own way and starting families.

18 year olds are responsible for their own alcohol consumption and drug consumption. The reality is in many states consumption
of alcohol is not legal until 21.

Don't pay for college if you are concerned about your adult
child becoming an addict. Let you adult child work a job
to pay their way through community college if it is
concern. Many kids get through college this way and
are very successful in life.



At 18 I was buying my own cars, finding my own places to
live, and selecting my college courses.

I'm not sure why parents want to baby their adult children
nowadays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

Play it however you want to in your mind, but anyone 18+ is legally an adult. Therefore, they have LEGAL rights to privacy.

Now, can you as a parent set certain standards of communication and behavior, or you won't pay for college? Absolutely. But you still don't have a LEGAL right to certain information unless your son or daughter OPTS-IN to signing waivers, lists you as an emergency contact, signs forms saying you may be contacted or informed or have access to certain info. Work out your standards and your plan with your son or daughter.

The doctors in the health center don't have the LEGAL RIGHT to contact you *unless your son or daughter explicitly gives them permission to do so;* or unless they are incapacitated and you are listed as the emergency contact. It's not a matter of they should or they should make that judgment call; they LEGALLY CANNOT, do you get it?

I daresay most of us understand there is a legal right involved here. What some of us are saying is that it doesn't mean that right is always "right" for everyone. There are kids for whom a strict adherence to the "legal right" is not the best thing and may actually cause more problems. I personally had no issues in college but I saw kids who did and floundered despite turning up freshman year in the belief they were fully prepared. A PP above me claimed you should know your child isn't ready for a residential college, but it's not always clear either. A 18 year old student can be fully functional and great and responsible in high school and then go off to college the next year and suddenly feel overwhelmed by the lack of structure and freedom and demands for greater personal responsibilities, or fall into the wrong cliques and let drink and drugs consume them. It happens. I've seen it happen.

I'll reiterate what I wrote earlier and say I don't know what the best answer is, but I still think some of you are deliberately failing to understand or recognize life is much more complicated than the assumption everyone is a properly responsible and functioning adult at age 18.

The answer starts with letting go of any notion that the law isn't the law, or that the law can be bent or change for you.

-You can absolutely wait to send your child to a residential 4-year until they are ready; going away for college isn't for everyone. You can look at options close to home so your son or daughter can live at home while taking classes.

-You can absolutely outline a set of standards that your son or daughter will follow if they expect you to pay for a 4-year residential college experience. That's between you and your son or daughter.

-What you CAN'T do is expect laws and policies related to people who are adults in the eyes of the law to change or be bent for you, personally. That's absurd. The laws and policies are clear and there to be read: you may not pick and choose which work for you, personally. You can work out a path that does work for you, but it must abide by laws and policies.

-If you want to challenge a law or a policy, feel free; there are ways to do that. Hand-wringing on DCUM ain't one of them.

What law prevents an RA from calling a parent when a kid is slitting their wrists?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18 year olds are legal adults. I'm not sure why the OP
is helicoptering. For 1000's of years 18 year olds have been
living on their own, making their own way and starting families.

18 year olds are responsible for their own alcohol consumption and drug consumption. The reality is in many states consumption
of alcohol is not legal until 21.

Don't pay for college if you are concerned about your adult
child becoming an addict. Let you adult child work a job
to pay their way through community college if it is
concern. Many kids get through college this way and
are very successful in life.

At 18 I was buying my own cars, finding my own places to
live, and selecting my college courses.

I'm not sure why parents want to baby their adult children
nowadays.

Did you also have schizophrenia and you found your own doctor and Treatment plan?

Nobody is asking for parents to be called if a kid wears white after Labor Day but when a mental health breakdown is happening somebody needs to know.

May stop a shooting or 2 or 50.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine what the guys from the Greatest Generation would think of todays helicoptering parents. The 18 year
olds from the Greatest Generation went off to fight World War II. I have to think these brave men would think the parents
of today very soft.

I'm thankful my parents raised me and my siblings to function
on our own.

[Anonymous]

My uncle had schizophrenia. It is legal to have untreated
schizophrenia after the age of 18.

His mother sprung him from the insane asylum (Hartford
Institute of Living) where he languished for 3 years and he found his own lawyer and his own doctor and practiced his own version non treatment for the following 40 years of his life.

Even if a family finds a treatment plan for an over 18
schizophrenic there is no guarantee of compliance.

Schizophrenics are legal adults over the age of 18 in
our society.