Parents are NOT notified by the college if the child gets in trouble, e.g. drugs, alcohol in dorm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So at what age should an institution of higher education cut the cord for the parents who are too clingy to do it themselves or who were too lax in preparing their child for adulthood?

You don’t think the college should tell parents your 18 yo freshman was popped for drugs or drinking or found passed out in a hallway? What about passed out 3 times? What about rapes? You prefer they control everything—because when they control KIDS they have a track record of doing what’s best for the U, not your kid.

[Anonymous]

Paying is a gift. That is between you and your adult child. They are an adult. You can't shelter them from adult responsibilities and adults consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

No, it’s a violation of their federally protected right to privacy for the school to contact you about that. I was an RA and I had countless parents berate me over the phone because I wasn’t allowed (again, federal law) to give out their students dorm room phone number.

Now, if you’re worried, my mom called campus to do wellness checks when my brothers didn’t respond to her - she did it once per brother and they learned. It’s pretty embarrassing to have the police show up and ask you to call your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at what age should an institution of higher education cut the cord for the parents who are too clingy to do it themselves or who were too lax in preparing their child for adulthood?

You don’t think the college should tell parents your 18 yo freshman was popped for drugs or drinking or found passed out in a hallway? What about passed out 3 times? What about rapes? You prefer they control everything—because when they control KIDS they have a track record of doing what’s best for the U, not your kid.

If your 18+ yo is a “KID” and you consider there to be a significant possibility of someone finding them passed out in a hallway from substance abuse then maybe you should keep them home and raise them better. Nobody is forcing you to send your adult child away if you acknowledge that you haven’t done a decent job of raising them and they aren’t ready for that.

And if you think they wouldn’t let you know if they were assaulted or gained a criminal record then that’s also on you. You should ask yourself why you raised them to distrust you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at what age should an institution of higher education cut the cord for the parents who are too clingy to do it themselves or who were too lax in preparing their child for adulthood?

You don’t think the college should tell parents your 18 yo freshman was popped for drugs or drinking or found passed out in a hallway? What about passed out 3 times? What about rapes? You prefer they control everything—because when they control KIDS they have a track record of doing what’s best for the U, not your kid.

NP. That last sentence is important. Colleges have an interest in covering themselves if something goes wrong. The "your student is an adult" line, while absolutely true legally, also gives colleges some cover when parents later find out about problems. Look up a DCUM thread from last year or early this year about the truly awful situation (dad moved into daughter's dorm and horrible consequences followed) at Sarah Lawrence College several years ago. Those young "adults" we're not at all prepared to handle that, and parents were blown off when they tried to get attention for the problem....Thst case was extreme, yes. But it shows how colleges won't intervene sometimes even when a situation raises every red flag to any parent with eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pay for 100% of everything, yet the college won't warn parents about alarming behavior issues? The only way you know if your child is out of control is if they end up in the hospital or in police custody (and they choose to call you for bailout?), i.e. rock bottom? I understand there is a waiver or something, but shouldn't the default be parents are immediately informed of things like this?

This is like saying "I pay my 24 year old kid's rent, so I expect to hear from the leasing office if he is coming home drunk at 2am, or has an ambulance called for him, or if he isn't going to work in the mornings". You realize the hospital can't call you and tell you that your kid is there without your kid's consent, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at what age should an institution of higher education cut the cord for the parents who are too clingy to do it themselves or who were too lax in preparing their child for adulthood?

You don’t think the college should tell parents your 18 yo freshman was popped for drugs or drinking or found passed out in a hallway? What about passed out 3 times? What about rapes? You prefer they control everything—because when they control KIDS they have a track record of doing what’s best for the U, not your kid.

Correct. You think that the police will call 18 or 19 year old Johnny's mom after he is arrested for rape to let them know what happened? You think the doctor at the hospital will call 18 or 19 year old Johnny's mom and let her know he had a bout of alcohol poisoning? Just because Johnny is a college student as opposed to a working high school graduate? Do you think the doctor calls the college to ask "is Johnny's mom paying his tuition, and his health insurance? Yes? Ok, thank you, I will now violate HIPAA and call his mother on him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

If someone had called my parents without my consent, when I was an adult, and told them that I was a victim of sexual assault, I would have sued them. How incredibly violating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

Imagine if you got too drunk at a holiday work party, vomited in the bathroom and then called in sick the next morning, and your boss called your mother to tell her what happened. When does it end for your kid? When are their mistakes just their own to try to deal with, and to decide whether or not to enlist the help of a parent, or sibling, or friend? What if you had a contentious relationship with your parents and they disapproved of your life choices, and then one day you were raped, and your employer called your mother to tell her you'd been raped, even though you hadn't planned on disclosing this horrible, violating information to your mother because of how your mother would react and attempt to blame you for it. Do you think your boss was RIGHT to call your mom and tell her? What if your mom was the one who helped you get the job, or who bought you your first work suit? Then should your boss call her?

[Anonymous]

These straw men comments are really low watt. We’re talking about 18 yo kids, not 25 or 30 yo. Most college sexual assaults are girls 18 and 19. Most dropouts are first or second year. Most hospital visits. It’s the prime age when drug addiction and alcoholism arises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These straw men comments are really low watt. We’re talking about 18 yo kids, not 25 or 30 yo. Most college sexual assaults are girls 18 and 19. Most dropouts are first or second year. Most hospital visits. It’s the prime age when drug addiction and alcoholism arises.

So what’s the criteria for what gets reported? Is there an age limit? If my sophomore passed out, do I get a call for that? What about senior year? If my daughter is dating a guy that i think is creepy and controlling, do I get a call when she doesn’t sleep in her dorm? What if my kid isn’t showing up for classes? Who is doing the reporting? Help me understand how this all would work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These straw men comments are really low watt. We’re talking about 18 yo kids, not 25 or 30 yo. Most college sexual assaults are girls 18 and 19. Most dropouts are first or second year. Most hospital visits. It’s the prime age when drug addiction and alcoholism arises.

But OP is tying it to the fact that she is the one paying. She says because she is the one paying, she should be entitled to her adult child's health information, grades, sexual assault information, any police reports on him, etc. And you are saying well yes, I mean, he's just 18, not 30. Okay. So what about the 18 year old who has a scholarship/loans and has broken away from his parents fully? Is the school calling his parents too? Of course not- he is a legal adult, he is estranged from his parents, they aren't on the tuition bill anywhere, why would the school involve them? So it goes back to the payment issue. OP thinks she is paying for private information- including health information which is illegal to share- about her adult child but she isn't, she's paying for his college tuition.

What about kids whose parents pay half the tuition and they have a scholarship for the rest of it? Do THEY get this private information shared with their parents also?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s something very wrong here...
OP is right to question this.

Not really. OP's premise is so off.

First off, not all parents pay for their children's education; DUH.

Secondly, even when they do, who says it's 100%?

Of those who do pay some portion, who is to say that it's not truly a gift? And of course, in some cases, there are strings--but what administrator or campus cop is going to be in a position to knokw the difference?

Plus, even if a parent WANTS to know everything, they don't have the RIGHT to know everything. The law is the law: medical personnel MAY NOT report medical information without an *adult patient's* consent. A parent may WANT to know if their child went to the health center seeking birth control options, or God forbid a rape kit, but they don't have the RIGHT to know that about an adult patient. Like, literally; they do not have the legal right.

College-age students are adults and ADULTS have rights to privacy; no matter who is paying for what.

Don't like it? Don't pay for your kid's college. Pretty damn simple.