Would it be too push for me to request my daughter be put in some classes with friends?

[Anonymous]

Sophomore year, my DD was in core academic classes with friends, but had a different lunch due to her music elective. She was sad initially, but quickly realized she had plenty of socializing opportunities outside of the 7:15-2 pm window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Thanks for the helpful response.

NP but it’s true. They can’t cater to every whim like this or else it would be total chaos. Instead of focusing on trying to change her classes you need to focus on helping her learn to socialize and be independent.

And where do I buy this magic wand to make that happen?

Not a magic wand, but if you think she could be struggling with social anxiety, perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy can help? It teaches kids to not avoid but to face their fears (e.g., meeting new people), and a bit of social skills training too.

I'd suggest the same thing. It seems like she needs more help in overcoming her social anxiety, that this is beyond just shy/introverted if she is completely unable to make friends on her own. She needs to learn those skills now in HS rather being overwhelmed in college.

I came on here to talk about college, too. Her friends will likely disperse to different colleges, and even if she follows one, she likely won’t have a class with any of them. *Needing* friends as a crutch causes those friends to flee, so broadening her horizons is a critical skill. Take it from a former kid with crippling social anxiety in MS. Too scared to even say hi to my best friends. What I needed, and would have appreciated was a social skills curriculum. Look up PEERS. No personal experience, but I’ve heard good things.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not ask. It's a difficult situation. My son is in a similar situation, but he's in 5th grade, and he needs to find a way to work it out. He already sees a therapist for anxiety, so they are working on this as well. He has friends from outside of school (from sports and kids who were in his classes other years), so he'll be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

She can just as easily join a club in high school.

She may not get into a sorority if she’s awkward, unless she has legacy connections. All the sorority girls I knew were extremely socially skilled. If she had lovely social skills, you wouldn’t have posted this question.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

I say don't switch. My sister has selective mutism, so I am quite familiar with debilitating social anxiety. My mom fixed things for her as long as she could, but at some point, my sister had to find a way to work things out - and she eventually did (with medication and therapies). If OP's child was in middle school, I'd say ask for the switch, but high school is too old for a parent to get involved in this, debilitating shyness or not. In fact, my sister blossomed in college (for her, meaning had more than one friend) once my mom was no longer there to navigate everything for her socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. [b]What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

[/b]She can just as easily join a club in high school.

She may not get into a sorority if she’s awkward, unless she has legacy connections. All the sorority girls I knew were extremely socially skilled. If she had lovely social skills, you wouldn’t have posted this question.

[b]



The problem regarding clubs is that they don't meet very often. And I'm actually not worried about her being able to get into a sorority. And I was in one myself, so I know what rush is like. My daughter is much better interacting in more "structured" social interactions like rush, than forcing herself to make conversation with some someone she barely knows in class. That might be difficult for some people to understand, but shyness manifests itself in different ways, and I know how my daughter's shyness works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

I say don't switch. My sister has selective mutism, so I am quite familiar with debilitating social anxiety. My mom fixed things for her as long as she could, but at some point, my sister had to find a way to work things out - and she eventually did (with medication and therapies). If OP's child was in middle school, I'd say ask for the switch, but high school is too old for a parent to get involved in this, debilitating shyness or not. In fact, my sister blossomed in college (for her, meaning had more than one friend) once my mom was no longer there to navigate everything for her socially.

Well that's great for your sister, but plenty of shy people don't have mothers who "navigate everything for them socially", and they never bloom socially either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Don't kick the can down the road. It is incredibly easy for people with social anxiety and social deficits to isolate themselves in college. There is no guarantee that her dorm is going to be full of people who are supportive of her and even notice she's hiding in her room and maybe someone should explicitly ask if she wants to join them on a pizza run. Kids are exhausted, over scheduled, and seriously stressed. I went to a SLAC and I still didn't have much overlap of students in my classes, so I wouldn't assume that a small college is going to provide your daughter with a core group better than her HS does.

You need to help your daughter now. Waiting for her to crash and burn in college (and hoping that she won't) isn't fair to her. You know she has a problem, get her help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What have you done to help her with her socialization. There will probably be a few kids in her same situation. This is an important skill to develop before college.

I mean what does anyone do to help their kid with socialization? She lives in this world and interacts with people. She goes to public school, she does plenty of extracurricular activities (including theater, which she loves) I encourage her to make plans with people that she talks to and likes in these activities, but she is very shy. There's really nothing I can do to change this about her. I think it's her inborn personality, there are quite a few people in my family who are like this, and have literally barely made any friends in life, and I can honestly see her ending up the same way. However, when she meets people through a mutual friend, she is able to warm up and become friends with them as well.

I'm very much like your DD, even now. However, I've made new friends at work (spontaneously, not through others) over the years. My mom would NEVER have asked to reschedule my HS classes. She does need to start easing into these situations so she at least has a fighting chance of succeeding.

And op, you say it's her inborn personality. If that's the case, you'll have to design her social life every year until you die! If it's her personality, it's her job to learn to navigate the world with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just started HS this week, and is extremely depressed that she did not end up in any classes or lunch with any of her (few) friends. She is extremely shy, and making friends has always been very difficult for her. The friends she has now, she has either known since elementary school, or she has become friends with them, through one of her existing friends. I know most people will say, that this is a good opportunity for her to learn to make friends from scratch, but the problem is, that doesn't happen. Every time she has had a class or activity where she didn't have an existing friend, she hasn't made any. However, if she has at least one other person who she is friendly with in the environment, she really comes out of her shell and interacts with other people. I know people will think I'm being dramatic, but I'm honestly afraid, that she won't make any new friends this year, and lose the friends she does have since she doesn't see them anymore. Would it be totally unreasonable for me to ask the counselor if she can be switched into at least a lunch (the school has four) with one of her friends?

I think you should, if she is okay with that.

This happened to me in HS, and it sucked. All of my friends were in the other lunch period, and I missed out. I basically had no one to eat with, and it was not a good situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What have you done to help her with her socialization. There will probably be a few kids in her same situation. This is an important skill to develop before college.

I mean what does anyone do to help their kid with socialization? She lives in this world and interacts with people. She goes to public school, she does plenty of extracurricular activities (including theater, which she loves) I encourage her to make plans with people that she talks to and likes in these activities, but she is very shy. There's really nothing I can do to change this about her. I think it's her inborn personality, there are quite a few people in my family who are like this, and have literally barely made any friends in life, and I can honestly see her ending up the same way. However, when she meets people through a mutual friend, she is able to warm up and become friends with them as well.

I'm very much like your DD, even now. However, I've made new friends at work (spontaneously, not through others) over the years. My mom would NEVER have asked to reschedule my HS classes. She does need to start easing into these situations so she at least has a fighting chance of succeeding.

And op, you say it's her inborn personality. If that's the case, you'll have to design her social life every year until you die! If it's her personality, it's her job to learn to navigate the world with it.

I really don't see how having her put into a lunch where she has a friend, is making it so she "doesn't have a fighting chance" of succeeding later on? She could have just as easily lucked out and gotten into the same lunch with a friend. Would people then say that it was unfortunate that she didn't have the opportunity to be in a situation where she had to make new friends from scratch? I understand why people are critical of the idea of mommy asking the counselor to change her kid's schedule. But the notion that she's actually better off not being with any friends when things could just as easily worked out the other way seems absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

Of course I can't control it for the rest of her life, but that doesn't mean that things have to suck for her NOW. And l think that if she was with her friends during lunch or at least in a class, she would have a much better chance of making new friends, so the chances of her being in this situation would be greatly reduced later on in high school. And like I said in an earlier post she's not in a school sport or group where she will be with the same group consistently enough to be able to realistically (for her) Make friends. I wish she was, and if she were in such a sport or group, I wouldn't be considering making this request. Unfortunately the opportunity for her to be in such a group doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. In addition to learning resilience, friend groups change anyway. What if after going through all that to change and the friendships don't last?

Looking at the bright side, she may find another friend (or more than one) she grows to love, possibly another shy or new person who is in the same boat.

She can still see these friends after school and between classes.