Would it be too push for me to request my daughter be put in some classes with friends?

[Anonymous]

I am the first to admit I am a bit of a helicopter parent so I am sympathetic to you and understand your argument. BUT my gut feeling is to not ask for a switch. She DOES need coping skills for situations like this. I am with other posters who say what about college and jobs. I think you are trying to rationalize that it’s different. You need to teach her resilience. You should tell her that this is a life lesson and a learning opportunity. You can influence HOW she sees this situation. Don't agree with her that this is a tragedy. If she gets through this and thrives she will have built resilience and self esteem. Just so you know, I’m not all talk - we pulled our reserved child out of public school and put her into a private school where she didn’t have any friends. She was really proud of herself that she was able to acclimate to a new school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

Of course I can't control it for the rest of her life, but that doesn't mean that things have to suck for her NOW. And l think that if she was with her friends during lunch or at least in a class, she would have a much better chance of making new friends, so the chances of her being in this situation would be greatly reduced later on in high school. And like I said in an earlier post she's not in a school sport or group where she will be with the same group consistently enough to be able to realistically (for her) Make friends. I wish she was, and if she were in such a sport or group, I wouldn't be considering making this request. Unfortunately the opportunity for her to be in such a group doesn't exist.

I thought you said it is a big school? What do you mean there aren't any opportunities for her to join a group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

Of course I can't control it for the rest of her life, but that doesn't mean that things have to suck for her NOW. And l think that if she was with her friends during lunch or at least in a class, she would have a much better chance of making new friends, so the chances of her being in this situation would be greatly reduced later on in high school. And like I said in an earlier post she's not in a school sport or group where she will be with the same group consistently enough to be able to realistically (for her) Make friends. I wish she was, and if she were in such a sport or group, I wouldn't be considering making this request. Unfortunately the opportunity for her to be in such a group doesn't exist.

I thought you said it is a big school? What do you mean there aren't any opportunities for her to join a group?

The groups that meet CONSISTENTLY enough for her to get to know people well are sports and Marching band. The sports are very competitive, and she wouldn't be able to make a team, and she's not in band. Yes there are clubs, but they don't meet often. Once a week is the most frequent that any of them meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

Of course I can't control it for the rest of her life, but that doesn't mean that things have to suck for her NOW. And l think that if she was with her friends during lunch or at least in a class, she would have a much better chance of making new friends, so the chances of her being in this situation would be greatly reduced later on in high school. And like I said in an earlier post she's not in a school sport or group where she will be with the same group consistently enough to be able to realistically (for her) Make friends. I wish she was, and if she were in such a sport or group, I wouldn't be considering making this request. Unfortunately the opportunity for her to be in such a group doesn't exist.

I thought you said it is a big school? What do you mean there aren't any opportunities for her to join a group?

The groups that meet CONSISTENTLY enough for her to get to know people well are sports and Marching band. The sports are very competitive, and she wouldn't be able to make a team, and she's not in band. Yes there are clubs, but they don't meet often. Once a week is the most frequent that any of them meet.

She has her classes, the kids on her bus or route to school, kids at lunch, kids in clubs. She has lots of opportunities to meet kids and develop friendships. She lacks the ability to develop those friendships. She's been faking it by depending on her existing friends to make friends, and then those kids become friends of hers.

You need to get her help. She is not always going to be able to have existing friends - as you can see right now. And you say that in highly structured environments she's fine making friends (e.g. rush). But, classes, clubs, those are highly structured environments that encourage social interaction among the kids, and she's not fine.

She's not fine. Get her help, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

Of course I can't control it for the rest of her life, but that doesn't mean that things have to suck for her NOW. And l think that if she was with her friends during lunch or at least in a class, she would have a much better chance of making new friends, so the chances of her being in this situation would be greatly reduced later on in high school. And like I said in an earlier post she's not in a school sport or group where she will be with the same group consistently enough to be able to realistically (for her) Make friends. I wish she was, and if she were in such a sport or group, I wouldn't be considering making this request. Unfortunately the opportunity for her to be in such a group doesn't exist.

I thought you said it is a big school? What do you mean there aren't any opportunities for her to join a group?

The groups that meet CONSISTENTLY enough for her to get to know people well are sports and Marching band. The sports are very competitive, and she wouldn't be able to make a team, and she's not in band. Yes there are clubs, but they don't meet often. Once a week is the most frequent that any of them meet.

She has her classes, the kids on her bus or route to school, kids at lunch, kids in clubs. She has lots of opportunities to meet kids and develop friendships. She lacks the ability to develop those friendships. She's been faking it by depending on her existing friends to make friends, and then those kids become friends of hers.

You need to get her help. She is not always going to be able to have existing friends - as you can see right now. And you say that in highly structured environments she's fine making friends (e.g. rush). But, classes, clubs, those are highly structured environments that encourage social interaction among the kids, and she's not fine.

She's not fine. Get her help, please.

+1.

Also, I'm confused about your insistence that you'll interfere just this one semester.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

Of course I can't control it for the rest of her life, but that doesn't mean that things have to suck for her NOW. And l think that if she was with her friends during lunch or at least in a class, she would have a much better chance of making new friends, so the chances of her being in this situation would be greatly reduced later on in high school. And like I said in an earlier post she's not in a school sport or group where she will be with the same group consistently enough to be able to realistically (for her) Make friends. I wish she was, and if she were in such a sport or group, I wouldn't be considering making this request. Unfortunately the opportunity for her to be in such a group doesn't exist.

I thought you said it is a big school? What do you mean there aren't any opportunities for her to join a group?

The groups that meet CONSISTENTLY enough for her to get to know people well are sports and Marching band. The sports are very competitive, and she wouldn't be able to make a team, and she's not in band. Yes there are clubs, but they don't meet often. Once a week is the most frequent that any of them meet.

She has her classes, the kids on her bus or route to school, kids at lunch, kids in clubs. She has lots of opportunities to meet kids and develop friendships. She lacks the ability to develop those friendships. She's been faking it by depending on her existing friends to make friends, and then those kids become friends of hers.

You need to get her help. She is not always going to be able to have existing friends - as you can see right now. And you say that in highly structured environments she's fine making friends (e.g. rush). But, classes, clubs, those are highly structured environments that encourage social interaction among the kids, and she's not fine.

She's not fine. Get her help, please.

+1.

Also, I'm confused about your insistence that you'll interfere just this one semester.

Actually I never insisted that I would interfere just this one semester. In response to the what about college, work,.... I said that obviously I know that I wouldn't always be able to step in and help her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

Of course I can't control it for the rest of her life, but that doesn't mean that things have to suck for her NOW. And l think that if she was with her friends during lunch or at least in a class, she would have a much better chance of making new friends, so the chances of her being in this situation would be greatly reduced later on in high school. And like I said in an earlier post she's not in a school sport or group where she will be with the same group consistently enough to be able to realistically (for her) Make friends. I wish she was, and if she were in such a sport or group, I wouldn't be considering making this request. Unfortunately the opportunity for her to be in such a group doesn't exist.

I thought you said it is a big school? What do you mean there aren't any opportunities for her to join a group?

The groups that meet CONSISTENTLY enough for her to get to know people well are sports and Marching band. The sports are very competitive, and she wouldn't be able to make a team, and she's not in band. Yes there are clubs, but they don't meet often. Once a week is the most frequent that any of them meet.

She has her classes, the kids on her bus or route to school, kids at lunch, kids in clubs. She has lots of opportunities to meet kids and develop friendships. She lacks the ability to develop those friendships. She's been faking it by depending on her existing friends to make friends, and then those kids become friends of hers.

You need to get her help. She is not always going to be able to have existing friends - as you can see right now. And you say that in highly structured environments she's fine making friends (e.g. rush). But, classes, clubs, those are highly structured environments that encourage social interaction among the kids, and she's not fine.

She's not fine. Get her help, please.

Do you have any idea what HS buses are like now? The kids sit on their phones with their headphones in. The bus drivers must love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have social anxiety and can relate. Yes - if you can try to switch her schedule around that would be great but if not you really need to get her to see a professional about her social anxiety. Even if her classes get switched, you should still help her out. This is just one year that her schedule is like this, maybe next year she will have classes with her friends. What will happen when she goes off to college and doesn't go to the same school as her friends? What about after that when she starts a job where none of her friends work at?

A lot of people have brought up the question of "what about when she goes to college?" I feel like that is different because she will be around a group of the same people often in a very social environment such as her Freshman dorm, possibly a sorority, etc. HS is different because she's not in a sport or activity like marching band where she has consistent social interaction with the same group of kids. Her school is huge, and has a lot of different lunch sections,so even if she becomes friendly with someone in her French class, she most likely won't have any other classes or lunch with her. It just seems like she doesn't have The opportunity to spend time with a specific group of people for her to really get to know them, which is what she needs to come out of her shell and make friends.

Op, your theory may be correct. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, just think forward to next semester even (forget college for now). Will you ask the school to reschedule AGAIN? Each and every semester of HS? If she wants consistency, she needs to join a sport or a group, not have her mom reschedule her classes so she can be with friends.

Of course I can't control it for the rest of her life, but that doesn't mean that things have to suck for her NOW. And l think that if she was with her friends during lunch or at least in a class, she would have a much better chance of making new friends, so the chances of her being in this situation would be greatly reduced later on in high school. And like I said in an earlier post she's not in a school sport or group where she will be with the same group consistently enough to be able to realistically (for her) Make friends. I wish she was, and if she were in such a sport or group, I wouldn't be considering making this request. Unfortunately the opportunity for her to be in such a group doesn't exist.

I thought you said it is a big school? What do you mean there aren't any opportunities for her to join a group?

The groups that meet CONSISTENTLY enough for her to get to know people well are sports and Marching band. The sports are very competitive, and she wouldn't be able to make a team, and she's not in band. Yes there are clubs, but they don't meet often. Once a week is the most frequent that any of them meet.

She has her classes, the kids on her bus or route to school, kids at lunch, kids in clubs. She has lots of opportunities to meet kids and develop friendships. She lacks the ability to develop those friendships. She's been faking it by depending on her existing friends to make friends, and then those kids become friends of hers.

You need to get her help. She is not always going to be able to have existing friends - as you can see right now. And you say that in highly structured environments she's fine making friends (e.g. rush). But, classes, clubs, those are highly structured environments that encourage social interaction among the kids, and she's not fine.

She's not fine. Get her help, please.

Many posters have stated this, so I guess I should respond. I'm not opposed to getting her therapy, but seriously I really don't see what they are going to tell her that she doesn't already know. A PP said that she needs to learn the social skills, of conversation when to chime in, when to ask questions, etc. She knows all this. She gets it. Just when put in an uncomfortable situation, her shyness takes over and she sucks at doing it. It's like trying to tell someone who's not funny that they need to make jokes. An unfunny person knows that being able to crack a joke would be socially beneficial, but their brain just doesn't work that way. My daughter is actually very social and outgoing with the friends she has, but it is very difficult for her to break the bond with new people, and yes she has had many opportunities to practice doing this, despite what some people may think, I have not stepped in throughout her life and manipulated her social environments for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t think you are going to be able to let this go. So go ahead and ask. I am a parent of a kid with serious mental health issues and have had my sons classes changed by the IEP team. Knowing what goes into that, I can’t imagine the school agreeing changing your daughters classes now. But in the off chance they are, fight for lunch.

One benefit of making the ask is that the school counselor will have her flagged in the event she is ever in a real crisis. Also the counselor might have some recommendations for you. Based on your concerns it does seem like your daughter could benefit from therapy.

[Anonymous]

You keep saying you don't know what therapy will teach her that she doesn't already know. Imagine, for a second, that mental health professionals using evidence-based interventions and years of experience might know how to tackle this in a way you haven't thought of. Research has shown that CBT and related approaches can be helpful for kids for whom social anxiety is interfering in their lives. Not a magic bullet, but I would try it for my kid instead of handicapping her by swooping in every time she faces a tough social situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Thanks for the helpful response.

NP but it’s true. They can’t cater to every whim like this or else it would be total chaos. Instead of focusing on trying to change her classes you need to focus on helping her learn to socialize and be independent.

And where do I buy this magic wand to make that happen?

You buy it with the co-pays of a skilled therapist who specializes in social anxiety and shyness. The work she does now will pay dividends foe her in college and her adult life. You are not helping her in the long run by asking to switch her into classes with friends; that is enabling her issues. Therapy and exposure to challenging situations to help her practice is what is going to help her the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the first to admit I am a bit of a helicopter parent so I am sympathetic to you and understand your argument. BUT my gut feeling is to not ask for a switch. She DOES need coping skills for situations like this. I am with other posters who say what about college and jobs. I think you are trying to rationalize that it’s different. You need to teach her resilience. You should tell her that this is a life lesson and a learning opportunity. You can influence HOW she sees this situation. Don't agree with her that this is a tragedy. If she gets through this and thrives she will have built resilience and self esteem. Just so you know, I’m not all talk - we pulled our reserved child out of public school and put her into a private school where she didn’t have any friends. She was really proud of herself that she was able to acclimate to a new school.

+1 we did the same. Our DD needed a reset. We had tried all those things and it just didn’t work. Clubs met for 20 minutes once a week, band was a HUGE commitment that I wasn’t into and neither was she, lunches didn’t match up, her sport the coach was just nuts (lots of crying from everyone). Finally we just said enough and switched schools. She made good friends learned a lot graduating college now. It just wasn’t working. We will never know if it would have all worked out if we stayed but it didn’t seem so great for those that did. Sometimes you just need a more supportive environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep saying you don't know what therapy will teach her that she doesn't already know. Imagine, for a second, that mental health professionals using evidence-based interventions and years of experience might know how to tackle this in a way you haven't thought of. Research has shown that CBT and related approaches can be helpful for kids for whom social anxiety is interfering in their lives. Not a magic bullet, but I would try it for my kid instead of handicapping her by [b]swooping in every time she faces a tough social situation[b].

Boy you sure are reading a lot between the lines aren't you? Yes, I'm considering "swooping in" to help out now, but where did I ever say that I had done it before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Thanks for the helpful response.

NP but it’s true. They can’t cater to every whim like this or else it would be total chaos. Instead of focusing on trying to change her classes you need to focus on helping her learn to socialize and be independent.

And where do I buy this magic wand to make that happen?

You buy it with the co-pays of a skilled therapist who specializes in social anxiety and shyness. The work she does now will pay dividends foe her in college and her adult life. You are not helping her in the long run by asking to switch her into classes with friends; that is enabling her issues. Therapy and exposure to challenging situations to help her practice is what is going to help her the most.

She has exposure to challenging situations every day. She's not a homeschooled kid who is shut off from the world.

[Anonymous]

She's in HS, so i wouldn't ask.