Would it be too push for me to request my daughter be put in some classes with friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What have you done to help her with her socialization. There will probably be a few kids in her same situation. This is an important skill to develop before college.

I mean what does anyone do to help their kid with socialization? She lives in this world and interacts with people. She goes to public school, she does plenty of extracurricular activities (including theater, which she loves) I encourage her to make plans with people that she talks to and likes in these activities, but she is very shy. There's really nothing I can do to change this about her. I think it's her inborn personality, there are quite a few people in my family who are like this, and have literally barely made any friends in life, and I can honestly see her ending up the same way. However, when she meets people through a mutual friend, she is able to warm up and become friends with them as well.

With this response, I'm left to ask--What's the problem? She's in activities, she has friends, and she sounds shy/introverted--I don't see an issue other than disappointment with her schedule. With all due respect, leave her alone and breathe deeply. She's not in classes with her friends. I get that it's disappointing, but she can either choose to make a new friend or two with the kids her classes, or she can just wait to see her friends at lunchtime or at theater. That's her choice to make and one she'll be faced with going forward when she's confronted with situations in which she doesn't know people.

The friends she has now she either made in elementary, when it's relatively easy to make friends, or became friends with them through the friends that she already had from elementary. She has not made any new friends on her own. She doesn't have any real friends from the activities that she takes part in, because none of her friends do them with her, and it's extremely hard for her to form new bonds with people even though she will talk to them. And no she does not have lunch with any of her friends. So she is in a situation where she has no classes, lunch or activities with friends. And the friends she has now, she never sees anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What have you done to help her with her socialization. There will probably be a few kids in her same situation. This is an important skill to develop before college.

I mean what does anyone do to help their kid with socialization? She lives in this world and interacts with people. She goes to public school, she does plenty of extracurricular activities (including theater, which she loves) I encourage her to make plans with people that she talks to and likes in these activities, but she is very shy. There's really nothing I can do to change this about her. I think it's her inborn personality, there are quite a few people in my family who are like this, and have literally barely made any friends in life, and I can honestly see her ending up the same way. However, when she meets people through a mutual friend, she is able to warm up and become friends with them as well.

With this response, I'm left to ask--What's the problem? She's in activities, she has friends, and she sounds shy/introverted--I don't see an issue other than disappointment with her schedule. With all due respect, leave her alone and breathe deeply. She's not in classes with her friends. I get that it's disappointing, but she can either choose to make a new friend or two with the kids her classes, or she can just wait to see her friends at lunchtime or at theater. That's her choice to make and one she'll be faced with going forward when she's confronted with situations in which she doesn't know people.

The friends she has now she either made in elementary, when it's relatively easy to make friends, or became friends with them through the friends that she already had from elementary. She has not made any new friends on her own. She doesn't have any real friends from the activities that she takes part in, because none of her friends do them with her, and it's extremely hard for her to form new bonds with people even though she will talk to them. And no she does not have lunch with any of her friends. So she is in a situation where she has no classes, lunch or activities with friends. And the friends she has now, she never sees anymore.

Lady, what do you not understand about the fact that you cannot endure your kid will always have the same friends accompanying her through every stage of life? You can either focus on teaching her how to socialize and make new friends or sit back and watch her crash and burn as an adult. This is an important life skill she has to learn and no amount of protesting and excuses from you is going to change that.

[Anonymous]

What class does she have fourth period? Is it something it should be easy to switch? Why not make an appointment with the counselor, plead your case, and try? Do it soon. In the meantime, maybe there are scripts your daughter can use to try to connect with people in her class. Talk to her about forcing herself and a fake it til you make it approach to being social. It’s tough, and you both have my sympathy. My DD can be a real wallflower if she doesn’t know anyone in a situation, and she’ll just hang back silently. Worse is that she unintentionally gives a stand-offish vibe.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a 4th grader like this. It has been a real struggle for her, and she continues to be on the periphery at lunch, etc when she’s not terribly comfortable with who is around her.

I agree with the PPs who suggest helping her with social skills. I worked with my DD this summer at the pool, telling her to say “Hello, First Name” to kids she knows but not well. It was amazing what that small adjustment did. Kids responded to her and didn’t overlook her as much, and I think she probably felt empowered somewhat by having a little, tiny plan for interacting.

Anyway, good luck. I know it’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What class does she have fourth period? Is it something it should be easy to switch? Why not make an appointment with the counselor, plead your case, and try? Do it soon. In the meantime, maybe there are scripts your daughter can use to try to connect with people in her class. Talk to her about forcing herself and a fake it til you make it approach to being social. It’s tough, and you both have my sympathy. My DD can be a real wallflower if she doesn’t know anyone in a situation, and she’ll just hang back silently. Worse is that she unintentionally gives a stand-offish vibe.

Here's the thing. If she wants to try and make that happen...SHE NEEDS TO ADVOCATE. Not OP. She needs to learn to ask for what she needs. This is high school.

[Anonymous]

If she wants to switch her lunch, she needs to make that call and reach out to the guidance counselor herself. You can tell her that you have her back if they have questions, but she needs to advocate for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What class does she have fourth period? Is it something it should be easy to switch? Why not make an appointment with the counselor, plead your case, and try? Do it soon. In the meantime, maybe there are scripts your daughter can use to try to connect with people in her class. Talk to her about forcing herself and a fake it til you make it approach to being social. It’s tough, and you both have my sympathy. My DD can be a real wallflower if she doesn’t know anyone in a situation, and she’ll just hang back silently. Worse is that she unintentionally gives a stand-offish vibe.

Here's the thing. If she wants to try and make that happen...SHE NEEDS TO ADVOCATE. Not OP. She needs to learn to ask for what she needs. This is high school.

Exactly. Just avoiding the situation is the way to ensure that she will never be able to make friends. Learn to parent. It is hard. It means teaching your kid to be independent, not just keeping them protected from the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Thanks for the helpful response.

NP but it’s true. They can’t cater to every whim like this or else it would be total chaos. Instead of focusing on trying to change her classes you need to focus on helping her learn to socialize and be independent.

And where do I buy this magic wand to make that happen?

Not a magic wand, but if you think she could be struggling with social anxiety, perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy can help? It teaches kids to not avoid but to face their fears (e.g., meeting new people), and a bit of social skills training too.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely do this. But I wouldn't make it about friends. I'd gather a bit of intel about which classes and periods her friends have and then make a class change request based on the need/desire to be in that class for academic reasons. Is her current lunch period notably early or notably late? If so, make a request for the lunch period (hopefully when friends have lunch) that is better suited to her "need" to eat (later or earlier). Flame away people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Thanks for the helpful response.

NP but it’s true. They can’t cater to every whim like this or else it would be total chaos. Instead of focusing on trying to change her classes you need to focus on helping her learn to socialize and be independent.

And where do I buy this magic wand to make that happen?

Not a magic wand, but if you think she could be struggling with social anxiety, perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy can help? It teaches kids to not avoid but to face their fears (e.g., meeting new people), and a bit of social skills training too.

I'd suggest the same thing. It seems like she needs more help in overcoming her social anxiety, that this is beyond just shy/introverted if she is completely unable to make friends on her own. She needs to learn those skills now in HS rather being overwhelmed in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What have you done to help her with her socialization. There will probably be a few kids in her same situation. This is an important skill to develop before college.

I mean what does anyone do to help their kid with socialization? She lives in this world and interacts with people. She goes to public school, she does plenty of extracurricular activities (including theater, which she loves) I encourage her to make plans with people that she talks to and likes in these activities, but she is very shy. There's really nothing I can do to change this about her. I think it's her inborn personality, there are quite a few people in my family who are like this, and have literally barely made any friends in life, and I can honestly see her ending up the same way. However, when she meets people through a mutual friend, she is able to warm up and become friends with them as well.

With this response, I'm left to ask--What's the problem? She's in activities, she has friends, and she sounds shy/introverted--I don't see an issue other than disappointment with her schedule. With all due respect, leave her alone and breathe deeply. She's not in classes with her friends. I get that it's disappointing, but she can either choose to make a new friend or two with the kids her classes, or she can just wait to see her friends at lunchtime or at theater. That's her choice to make and one she'll be faced with going forward when she's confronted with situations in which she doesn't know people.

The friends she has now she either made in elementary, when it's relatively easy to make friends, or became friends with them through the friends that she already had from elementary. She has not made any new friends on her own. She doesn't have any real friends from the activities that she takes part in, because none of her friends do them with her, and it's extremely hard for her to form new bonds with people even though she will talk to them. And no she does not have lunch with any of her friends. So she is in a situation where she has no classes, lunch or activities with friends. And the friends she has now, she never sees anymore.

NP. OP, I think you just posted in the wrong forum, unfortunately. Special Needs might have been a better resource because the parents there are helpful and able to think flexibly about a variety of different child strengths and weaknesses. Everywhere else it tends to be the same old "park your helicopter" stuff.

Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with you meeting with the school counselor. He or she might be able to make a schedule change, and/or they might be able to refer you to someone in the community who can help your daughter, like a therapist. It sounds like she might have social anxiety, and therapy can be a tremendous help. You did not cause it, and just expecting her to "buck up" is unlikely to be successful. I think you already sense this, which is why you are posting.

Anxiety can be subtle. People sometimes tend to wait for a kid to hit rock bottom before they reach out for help, and there is no reason to wait. And like you've said, your daughter has kind of been carried along by previous relationships. It is a terrific idea to try to get her some help now.

[Anonymous]

Some people not being helpful as usual. OP this happened to my DD in middle school. The school had a policy of putting students together with their friends but due to scheduling mistake put with the group from the other side of town (nice but far) where she knew NOBODY. Cliques has already been formed because of the grouping placement.
I did meet with the counselor who was sympathetic but they could only change one class. PE or something. The best you can do is help your DD make friends. It’s tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Ugly and pointless remark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Thanks for the helpful response.

NP but it’s true. They can’t cater to every whim like this or else it would be total chaos. Instead of focusing on trying to change her classes you need to focus on helping her learn to socialize and be independent.

And where do I buy this magic wand to make that happen?

Not a magic wand, but if you think she could be struggling with social anxiety, perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy can help? It teaches kids to not avoid but to face their fears (e.g., meeting new people), and a bit of social skills training too.

I'd suggest the same thing. It seems like she needs more help in overcoming her social anxiety, that this is beyond just shy/introverted if she is completely unable to make friends on her own. She needs to learn those skills now in HS rather being overwhelmed in college.

The exactly. Address the source of the problem not the symptom/outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Thanks for the helpful response.

NP but it’s true. They can’t cater to every whim like this or else it would be total chaos. Instead of focusing on trying to change her classes you need to focus on helping her learn to socialize and be independent.

It actually was a helpful response. Sorry you couldn’t see past yourself.