Would it be too push for me to request my daughter be put in some classes with friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

Except that I do. As a former extremely shy high school kid who distinctly remembers how much it sucked having no friends in my lunch period, and a current parent of an extremely shy middle schooler, I still think it would be doing the daughter a disservice in the long-term by getting involved.

[Anonymous]

As a former lifer private school student who endured elementary classes without friends in them and being bullied by the mean girls in the classes, I think there is no need to waste your money on private schools if you don't take advantage of the features of sending your kids to private schools. My working class parents didn't know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

Some of us here are familiar with it. The best answer for social anxiety isn't really keep avoiding these social situations--that can actually make it worse/maintain it over time. Part of the answer is facing the anxiety head on through treatment.

X100.

+100 The ones advocating to actually try and make the switch are missing the point of parenting. You're supposed to be preparing your children for successful adulthood which means working through situations like these--not having your mother step in and temporarily fix them for you thereby avoiding having to face them. OP's kid is in HS, not elementary or middle school, so the time to learn these techniques is NOW. Otherwise how does OP think her kid will survive college or the work place?

What about all the extremely socially anxious people who never had mothers who didn't try to "temporarily fix things for them", these people have faced a lifetime of dealing with situations like these, and many of them remain friendless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a former lifer private school student who endured elementary classes without friends in them and being bullied by the mean girls in the classes, I think there is no need to waste your money on private schools if you don't take advantage of the features of sending your kids to private schools. My working class parents didn't know better.

OP's kid goes to public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk with the counselor -- not to request a class change - - but to ask her help in helping DD to adjust to HS. I know it's really painful to watch and feel helpless but I'm sure she's not the first kid to have this problem.

+1. I'd go farther and first, describe the problem, second, ask for the class change, third, after the counselor says no, ask for other options to help your DD. (and who knows they might change her schedule around; you never know without asking.)

PPs lay off OP. She knows her kid and her kid is struggling. That said, OP, their brains are really developing at this time, and she may surprise you. My DD suddenly blossomed; it didn't follow the trajectory. You've also got your DD on a trajectory, but it doesn't take into account how much they change.

This. Lay off. You have extroverted, resilient kids. You should be thankful. Not everyone has that.

It doesn't hurt to ask. And I personally would advocate for a class where she can have ONE face she knows in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

Some of us here are familiar with it. The best answer for social anxiety isn't really keep avoiding these social situations--that can actually make it worse/maintain it over time. Part of the answer is facing the anxiety head on through treatment.

X100.

+100 The ones advocating to actually try and make the switch are missing the point of parenting. You're supposed to be preparing your children for successful adulthood which means working through situations like these--not having your mother step in and temporarily fix them for you thereby avoiding having to face them. OP's kid is in HS, not elementary or middle school, so the time to learn these techniques is NOW. Otherwise how does OP think her kid will survive college or the work place?

No, you're missing the point. This is a KID. And the change sought is only to have one period with a familiar face. That can make a big difference for a lot of people. ANd just b/c people didn't have parents that did this sort of thing for them, well, that's not a reason not to do it, OP. Parents didn't used to do lots of things.

There is no need to bring college or work into this now. She's got several years and will be an adult by then, who will have navigated a large public HS. Getting a bit of help, esp early on, is not helicoptering or some bad thing. It's advocating and helping your child succeed.

[Anonymous]

What happens when she goes to college? Or gets a job? This seems extreme but also like you are playing into it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The counselor may have social clubs after school or furing lunch to recommend.

My children are very introverted and have difficulty making friends, but I would never ask this, OP. Scheduling is a nightmare for schools. The sneaky way would be to figure out where the friends are during 4th period and find a plausible *academic* reason to switch to that class...

This. If you could manage it. But impossible at our school.

+1 to the bolded, OP. Schedule change is a very big deal.

-former HS teacher

[Anonymous]

I get that you are worried about your daughter. But she is in high school and needs to learn how to navigate this stuff herself. She will be okay. It might not be ideal, but much of life is not ideal.

My kid’s elementary school won’t even allow friend requests. There is no way a high school is going to allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

Except that I do. As a former extremely shy high school kid who distinctly remembers how much it sucked having no friends in my lunch period, and a current parent of an extremely shy middle schooler, I still think it would be doing the daughter a disservice in the long-term by getting involved.

+1. Especially since research suggests that parental overprotective/intrusive behaviors actually predict and maintain anxiety disorders in children (one factor of many, of course).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

Except that I do. As a former extremely shy high school kid who distinctly remembers how much it sucked having no friends in my lunch period, and a current parent of an extremely shy middle schooler, I still think it would be doing the daughter a disservice in the long-term by getting involved.

+1. Especially since research suggests that parental overprotective/intrusive behaviors actually predict and maintain anxiety disorders in children (one factor of many, of course).

And what does research say about what going through HS without friends does to the mental well-being of a child?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP’s daughter has social anxiety. I know people like this who would have benefited from CBT therapy as kids. They are now adults and are STILL friendless. Very sad.

OP get your daughter into CBT. You will not regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

Except that I do. As a former extremely shy high school kid who distinctly remembers how much it sucked having no friends in my lunch period, and a current parent of an extremely shy middle schooler, I still think it would be doing the daughter a disservice in the long-term by getting involved.

+1. Especially since research suggests that parental overprotective/intrusive behaviors actually predict and maintain anxiety disorders in children (one factor of many, of course).

And what does research say about what going through HS without friends does to the mental well-being of a child?

I don't think that's what anyone is suggesting. They're suggesting intervening via treatment to address the anxiety, so that the child has the resources to make new friends on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

No, we do know. We know that our kids will not make friends, we have kids with SN, we have kids that can't talk to people. We do not change the school!!!, we help out kid as best as we can. What's next for this mom and you? Asking that the job give your kid an office instead of a cubicle? Asking for a whole floor at the hotel? Asking for a fast food place to empty so your kid is not bothered?! WTF!

From what the OP wrote it doesn't sound like her child has any diagnosed SN.

But what it does sound like is that OP is reached a point where it's clear her DD needs professional help - meds for the severe anxiety and therapy to bolster confidence and help fill in the gaps on social skills her DD missed out on already.

Her friends could adjust their schedules and the classes she gets into with them now might change. And she will face this same issue each year.

OP might also have to be more honest with her own child and help her look at her own behavior and what small changes she might want to make. Some very easy things like when greeting people do it not in a mousy voice (lots of shy girls tend to do this ) but instead at least being able to say HI in a normal voice. Also making an effort to remember names so she can greet others with their name. It does make a difference to do these things and these are things that are totally within her DD's control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Absolutely. Let her expand her friend group.