Please, don’t take away a play date with my kid as a consequence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. I asked how her son was doing today and she said much better, great! I'm a little hurt that she didn't apologize. Sigh. I liked her, too!

Apologize for what. Things happen. Either she didn't want to go and used child as an excuse or it was real. You don't reward bad behavior.

This is flailing.

I’d feel bad for anyone who was having such a difficult time handling day to day parenting, but I also wouldn’t want to keep making plans with flaky clueless people.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I've had this happen once and it really inconvenienced me. A friend of DS's moved 45 minutes away, and invited DS to come over for a play date. Based on the invite, I also arranged two other things to do nearby while DS was at the play date. They cancelled the day of due to their child's behavior, but I couldn't change my other plans, and still had to schlep out there.

If they has still lived nearby, it would have been ok, but under the circumstances, it really put my family out.

[Anonymous]

It’s basically punishing someone else for your kids behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. I asked how her son was doing today and she said much better, great! I'm a little hurt that she didn't apologize. Sigh. I liked her, too!

Did she apologize when she cancelled? That would have been the appropriate time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend actually did the right thing. I had a hard time disciplining our kids because there was always an activity coming up and I didn't want to disappoint the other kid by cancelling. In hindsight, it would have worked much better for my kids to experience an immediate consequence of not getting to do something they really wanted to do.

No, she didn’t. She flaked out on parenting.

Hard disagree. You "flake" when you plan to meet up for drinks and at the last minute say you can't do it. She's parenting her kids the best way she can. Yes, it stinks for OP, but I bet it stinks as much, if not more, for the other mom. OP can still take her kids to the destination and even make it a teachable moment. "I'm sorry, Larla, but Larlo isn't able to come to the playdate because he made bad choices" or however you want to word it. It would help if OP gave us ages and other details, but I get it if she doesn't want to out the other mom.

If the parent can’t figure out other ways to discipline her child then canceling confirmed plans then she shouldn’t make plans because it is unfair to the other party who arranged their schedule.

Without further details from the other mom, it's hard to say what the right course of action was.

Kid didn't want to clean up vs. kid was hitting mom scenarios could be possible.

I'd cancel at the last minute for the second and may not want to tell you why because you might never want to have a play date with us again in case it hasn't resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. I asked how her son was doing today and she said much better, great! I'm a little hurt that she didn't apologize. Sigh. I liked her, too!

You are sounding like a martyr here.

This person had, according to you cancelled play dates in the past because of her child's behavior. You knew that, set up a more elaborate play date and are acting bent out of shape because she cancelled said play date.

Why did you plan an elaborate play date with someone who has cancelled multiple times before?

I get that it sucks for you and your child but you knew who she was and are annoyed because she is who she is. You knew better, so why did you set your child up for disappointment?

And you continue to harp on it. It is done, let it go. Don't set up anything more then meeting at the park with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. I asked how her son was doing today and she said much better, great! I'm a little hurt that she didn't apologize. Sigh. I liked her, too!

You are sounding like a martyr here.

This person had, according to you cancelled play dates in the past because of her child's behavior. You knew that, set up a more elaborate play date and are acting bent out of shape because she cancelled said play date.

Why did you plan an elaborate play date with someone who has cancelled multiple times before?

I get that it sucks for you and your child but you knew who she was and are annoyed because she is who she is. You knew better, so why did you set your child up for disappointment?

And you continue to harp on it. It is done, let it go. Don't set up anything more then meeting at the park with her.

I apologize for the martyr tone.

It’s backwards, I suppose, but I really thought she WOULDNT flake out on bigger plans. A meet up at home...fine, cancel for behavior. But this was such a big excursion, one we had planned and confirmed, so I really thought my chances of her canceling were lower due to the size of the event.

That, was a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. I asked how her son was doing today and she said much better, great! I'm a little hurt that she didn't apologize. Sigh. I liked her, too!

You are sounding like a martyr here.

This person had, according to you cancelled play dates in the past because of her child's behavior. You knew that, set up a more elaborate play date and are acting bent out of shape because she cancelled said play date.

Why did you plan an elaborate play date with someone who has cancelled multiple times before?

I get that it sucks for you and your child but you knew who she was and are annoyed because she is who she is. You knew better, so why did you set your child up for disappointment?

And you continue to harp on it. It is done, let it go. Don't set up anything more then meeting at the park with her.

I apologize for the martyr tone.

It’s backwards, I suppose, but I really thought she WOULDNT flake out on bigger plans. A meet up at home...fine, cancel for behavior. But this was such a big excursion, one we had planned and confirmed, so I really thought my chances of her canceling were lower due to the size of the event.

That, was a mistake.

NP, but she cancelled the day before? Solely to punish her kid? That would infuriate me. I agree with others that I'd only cancel big plans like this for sudden illness or truly appalling behavior. My kids are no angels, but I can't think of behavior *that* bad that it would warrant that kind of cancellation.

I don't think you're being crazy at all, and I definitely wouldn't schedule plans with this person again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. I asked how her son was doing today and she said much better, great! I'm a little hurt that she didn't apologize. Sigh. I liked her, too!

You are sounding like a martyr here.

This person had, according to you cancelled play dates in the past because of her child's behavior. You knew that, set up a more elaborate play date and are acting bent out of shape because she cancelled said play date.

Why did you plan an elaborate play date with someone who has cancelled multiple times before?

I get that it sucks for you and your child but you knew who she was and are annoyed because she is who she is. You knew better, so why did you set your child up for disappointment?

And you continue to harp on it. It is done, let it go. Don't set up anything more then meeting at the park with her.

I apologize for the martyr tone.

It’s backwards, I suppose, but I really thought she WOULDNT flake out on bigger plans. A meet up at home...fine, cancel for behavior. But this was such a big excursion, one we had planned and confirmed, so I really thought my chances of her canceling were lower due to the size of the event.

That, was a mistake.

NP, but she cancelled the day before? Solely to punish her kid? That would infuriate me. I agree with others that I'd only cancel big plans like this for sudden illness or truly appalling behavior. My kids are no angels, but I can't think of behavior *that* bad that it would warrant that kind of cancellation.

I don't think you're being crazy at all, and I definitely wouldn't schedule plans with this person again.

Yes. We were going to leave at 8:30am. I confirmed at 3pm the day before. At 5, she canceled due to poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

I agree completely.

I get that there MAY be a time that its unavoidable, but in general its a super crappy thing to do to the other family and friend. I think its super rude. I had this happen once and besides dealing with a SUPER disappointed kid, I had spent a considerable amount of time and money to arrange our schedule to make this playdate happen. We are all super excited and it had been planned for 2 weeks. I felt pretty disrespected. Her parenting moment just took precedence over everything else. I have a hard time believing cancelling this outing was her ONLY option in selecting a consequence.

FWIW - we have never planned anything "big" or "special" with this friend since then......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. I asked how her son was doing today and she said much better, great! I'm a little hurt that she didn't apologize. Sigh. I liked her, too!

You are sounding like a martyr here.

This person had, according to you cancelled play dates in the past because of her child's behavior. You knew that, set up a more elaborate play date and are acting bent out of shape because she cancelled said play date.

Why did you plan an elaborate play date with someone who has cancelled multiple times before?

I get that it sucks for you and your child but you knew who she was and are annoyed because she is who she is. You knew better, so why did you set your child up for disappointment?

And you continue to harp on it. It is done, let it go. Don't set up anything more then meeting at the park with her.

I apologize for the martyr tone.

It’s backwards, I suppose, but I really thought she WOULDNT flake out on bigger plans. A meet up at home...fine, cancel for behavior. But this was such a big excursion, one we had planned and confirmed, so I really thought my chances of her canceling were lower due to the size of the event.

That, was a mistake.

NP, but she cancelled the day before? Solely to punish her kid? That would infuriate me. I agree with others that I'd only cancel big plans like this for sudden illness or truly appalling behavior. My kids are no angels, but I can't think of behavior *that* bad that it would warrant that kind of cancellation.

I don't think you're being crazy at all, and I definitely wouldn't schedule plans with this person again.

Yes. We were going to leave at 8:30am. I confirmed at 3pm the day before. At 5, she canceled due to poor behavior.

That's unacceptable. I'm really sorry that happened to you. I would have a hard time sustaining the friendship with her after that.

[Anonymous]

I disagree. Plus disappointment is apart of life. It's unfortunate but may as well get your kid used to it now. My daughter had a sleep over for her birthday and one of the moms cancelled due to her daughter's bad behavior. Yes I was disappointed but I wasn't about to get upset over her properly parenting her child. Bad behavior does not deserve a reward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. Plus disappointment is apart of life. It's unfortunate but may as well get your kid used to it now. My daughter had a sleep over for her birthday and one of the moms cancelled due to her daughter's bad behavior. Yes I was disappointed but I wasn't about to get upset over her properly parenting her child. Bad behavior does not deserve a reward.

It genuinely surprises me how few people in this thread think this. I’m with you. If my kid is acting like a jerk, I will not regard them with outings and play dates. If that’s a bummer for your kid then that sucks but I’m responsible for raising MY kids.

[Anonymous]

Years ago a friend cancelled a playdate because of her son's poor behavior. I told my son who was really sad. A little later the friend called to say that she had changed her mind. Her son was having a rough time and maybe being with a friend would help him. And she knew being with a friend would help her. So they came over and the boys had fun and we talked about how hard it is to be a parent sometimes.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Just something I remembered when I saw this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. Plus disappointment is apart of life. It's unfortunate but may as well get your kid used to it now. My daughter had a sleep over for her birthday and one of the moms cancelled due to her daughter's bad behavior. Yes I was disappointed but I wasn't about to get upset over her properly parenting her child. Bad behavior does not deserve a reward.

It genuinely surprises me how few people in this thread think this. I’m with you. If my kid is acting like a jerk, I will not regard them with outings and play dates. If that’s a bummer for your kid then that sucks but I’m responsible for raising MY kids.

+2

If a child cannot behave appropriately, that child should not be going on playdates. Your child may have been disappointed to have plans altered at the last minute, but imagine how the outing could have been if the child was out of control.

I'm nearly 50, and I still remember childhood playdates gone amuck.

There was the daughter of one of my mom's friends who received no discipline stronger than being told "That's not nice". Our moms would arrange playdates and the girl would hit me, bite me, put gum in my hair. Once running away from her I tripped and fell on the corner of a coffee table, giving me a small scar on my eyelid that I carry to this day. I'm just grateful it didn't put my eye out. If her mom had cancelled playdates for misbehavior, perhaps her behavior would have improved. At the very least, I would have been spared significant trauma.

This is obviously an extreme example, but hardly the only one. Kids are sometimes whiny, rude, destructive, violent, irresponsible, etc. It's a parents job to teach their kids acceptable behavior to get along with others. If a child is struggling with their behavior, cancelling a playdate serves a dual purpose. It serves as a deterrent to the offender against future bad behavior and it spares others from being inflicted with that behavior.

I'm sorry your child was disappointed, but the other parent may well have done you and your child a huge favor. Imagine if you'd had the playdate and the friend had bullied your child, or thrown a tantrum, or been destructive to their surroundings, or just generally behaved rudely and inappropriately in a way that spoiled your special day. If the playdate had not been cancelled, the child's behavior might have made your special plans a miserable experience and spoiled their friendship. With the playdate cancelled your child has the possibility of still having a good, if not optimal day, and can have another day of fun with his friend (who will have hopefully learned to behave in ways that would make him a good friend to your son).