What creates failure to launch kids?

[Anonymous]

I made a “bad financial decision” to move to NYC after college. Turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now properly terrified to having my toddlers still with me into midlife, thanks to another thread. I’ve never met a failure to launch(FTL) in the wild. Anybody have any insight into how to avoid this particular parenting pitfall?

Your kids are too young to worry about this!

I disagree. I have studied enough psychology to know how important the early environment is. Just not enough psychology related to this particular pitfall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not judging here ... but don’t we have to let them make their own decisions? Even if we think they are “bad financial decisions?”

Plus maybe she would make great decisions or meet some fantastic new friends or a significant other! If we tell them they can’t do these things, they won’t be able to.

she did make her own decision. and that decision was that she wanted to move home.

who's telling anyone they can't meet new friends or a significant other?

[Anonymous]

Too high expectations + mental illness/ learning disability / average skills + "you can't move out and make that bad financial decision, you have to stay at home and save money" = kids that never launch.

Doesn't apply to young adults are are working and going to school and living at home because they need to.

[Anonymous]

Totally reasonable to let a college grad live at home for a short period of time while they get on their feet and save up for security deposit, down payment on car etc. And totally get that for some cultures, this may be much more accepted. But how long until FTL for typical American kid? One year? Two years? Five years?

[Anonymous]

Not picking on millennials, but this is normal for thier gen due to student loans and Great Recession. They just didn’t have the same situation as older generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

Okay, caveat. IF you are single, in grad school or soon to go to grad school, you get a pass. But if you are an educated, grown ass adult and you still live at home - That is FTL! You don't get to call yourself a productive adult if you are still living in your parents' house.

but why? my kid got a job in dc, and I see no reason for her to piss away half her entry level salary into rent when she could live at home for a few years and put that money toward investments, a down payment, etc. making bad financial decisions just FOR INDEPENDENCE!!!!!! is stupid.

Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

Okay, caveat. IF you are single, in grad school or soon to go to grad school, you get a pass. But if you are an educated, grown ass adult and you still live at home - That is FTL! You don't get to call yourself a productive adult if you are still living in your parents' house.

but why? my kid got a job in dc, and I see no reason for her to piss away half her entry level salary into rent when she could live at home for a few years and put that money toward investments, a down payment, etc. making bad financial decisions just FOR INDEPENDENCE!!!!!! is stupid.

Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

Also!!! If you don’t have your parents house to live in, you make really smart job choices. A living wage, a steady career path, all things that living on your own teach you are a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

Okay, caveat. IF you are single, in grad school or soon to go to grad school, you get a pass. But if you are an educated, grown ass adult and you still live at home - That is FTL! You don't get to call yourself a productive adult if you are still living in your parents' house.

but why? my kid got a job in dc, and I see no reason for her to piss away half her entry level salary into rent when she could live at home for a few years and put that money toward investments, a down payment, etc. making bad financial decisions just FOR INDEPENDENCE!!!!!! is stupid.

Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

how will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop if they're living with their parents at 22? What?

[Anonymous]

Having her own apt and minimal post-college help from her family has pushed my DD to be aggressive about asking for raises. However, it’s also caused her to postpone grad school twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness and developmental disabilities probably pay a bigger role than "parenting failures". Going into the teen years with the idea that you can control the future isn't a good idea.

+ 1 I think this comment is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a “bad financial decision” to move to NYC after college. Turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Moving away from home after college should be encouraged. Failure to launch can also create delayed adulthood. There is mindset is that if I can't live like I did while my parents paid all my bills as a child, than I will let my parents pay the bills as an adult (18+) until I figure out life even if it takes another 10-15 years. You figure out life a lot quicker when it's on your dime and you have to decide things like do I go to a concert or do I have electricity? Do I go on vacation with friends or have a cell phone?

Failure to launch young adults can also be a pain in the workplace, not all, but some. When people aren't used to or forced to do certain things, that bleeds over into work. I may be the same age as your parents, but I am not your parent and will not tolerate you like they will.
My friend had one failure to launch 20-something who didn't understand the big deal that he come back from lunch a few minutes late every day because his favorite place was 6 blocks away and the walk took awhile.
Another had their mother call in sick. Ummm you're 29!
Once I had an employee who left their badge at home and could not get around the building without it. The employee only lived c. 20 minutes away and we allowed him to go get it but he said his mom was going to drop it off at around noon along with his lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

Except it is totally normal in many cultures...many of which have increasing immigrant and now first/second generation populations in the US. Are you really suggesting that most Asians are psychologically damaged?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

Except it is totally normal in many cultures...many of which have increasing immigrant and now first/second generation populations in the US. Are you really suggesting that most Asians are psychologically damaged?

Maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

Okay, caveat. IF you are single, in grad school or soon to go to grad school, you get a pass. But if you are an educated, grown ass adult and you still live at home - That is FTL! You don't get to call yourself a productive adult if you are still living in your parents' house.

but why? my kid got a job in dc, and I see no reason for her to piss away half her entry level salary into rent when she could live at home for a few years and put that money toward investments, a down payment, etc. making bad financial decisions just FOR INDEPENDENCE!!!!!! is stupid.

Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

Normal? What is normal?

People have different routes to adulthood. I lived at home for two years after college, while working full time and studying for the GMATs. It allowed me to save a lot of money, which paid off to this day. I went back to school at age 24, got my master's, and never looked back. And living at home was fine.

I know others who moved back home for a few years to help save for a down payment. Or who broke up with a boyfriend and needed a year to recover. The idea there must be this rule that no kid should ever move back home is silly. It entirely depends on circumstances. My cousin moved back home following a divorce, with her toddler, because her asshole ex practically bankrupted them and the divorce cleaned out the rest of what she had. She lived at home for two years too, saved every penny, regrouped and bought a house. She would not have been able to do that had she stuck to living in a cheap rental while working full time.

There is a place for a family to keep helping family members out when needed. The road to adulthood isn't always straightforward. I do not justify those who seem healthy and functional who still live at home with no real purpose. I suspect it is not easy for the parents with older adult children still living at home and it is likely due to underlying issues you are not privy to. Their decision isn't necessarily the decision I would make and I will probably agree that some parents fail to build the proper mental walls earlier on that makes it difficult for adult children to find the discipline needed for adulthood. But mental illness is not something I am familiar with, thankfully, so I don't judge either.