What creates failure to launch kids?

[Anonymous]

Now properly terrified to having my toddlers still with me into midlife, thanks to another thread. I’ve never met a failure to launch(FTL) in the wild. Anybody have any insight into how to avoid this particular parenting pitfall?

[Anonymous]

Mental illness and developmental disabilities probably pay a bigger role than "parenting failures". Going into the teen years with the idea that you can control the future isn't a good idea.

[Anonymous]

My brother was dangerously close to never launching, until he met and married a woman old enough to be his mother who took over raising him and got him out of our mom's house. This is just a sibling's perspective, but he was incredibly coddled by our mom (partially because he was targeted for abuse by our dad), and expectations were just very low for him. Both girls got straight A's, were presidents of clubs, played in band and sports, were in student government -- he just went to regular classes and played a couple of sports. He never had a job in high school (both of his sisters got jobs when they turned 15) and the excuse was always football, nevermind that all of our obligations added up to way more hours. When it's all said and done he wasn't really held to any particular standard - not for grades, not for extracurricular involvement, not for behavior, not for ambition. I don't know if it's because he was the only boy or because he was the youngest or because that's how they treated all of us but my sister and I had each other to compete with which gave us our own motivation. But I know it was ugly and led to him working at a pizza shop part time into his 30's, living rent free at our mom's house. Not a good look, and it's only luck that he was able to marry a decent woman who whipped him into shape.

[Anonymous]

learned helplessness

[Anonymous]

I agree that mental illness and developmental disabilities account for a lot of FTL. But I know tons of kids who move home after college and are still there after a decade. Don’t really know why other than that they are in no hurry to adult.

[Anonymous]

Read dcum. Parents overly involved in every aspect of life. Kids not driving until they are 18. (Seriously! My kids were driving all over at 16). Parents choosing colleges. Parents calling their kids employers. Parents overly involved in high school. Parents calling college professors. My oldest is a college professor. He gets it every semester. Parents jumping in to solve every crisis. Parents loaning money to adult kids. Etc...

Failure to launch is usually the result of poor parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother was dangerously close to never launching, until he met and married a woman old enough to be his mother who took over raising him and got him out of our mom's house. This is just a sibling's perspective, but he was incredibly coddled by our mom (partially because he was targeted for abuse by our dad), and expectations were just very low for him. Both girls got straight A's, were presidents of clubs, played in band and sports, were in student government -- he just went to regular classes and played a couple of sports. He never had a job in high school (both of his sisters got jobs when they turned 15) and the excuse was always football, nevermind that all of our obligations added up to way more hours. When it's all said and done he wasn't really held to any particular standard - not for grades, not for extracurricular involvement, not for behavior, not for ambition. I don't know if it's because he was the only boy or because he was the youngest or because that's how they treated all of us but my sister and I had each other to compete with which gave us our own motivation. But I know it was ugly and led to him working at a pizza shop part time into his 30's, living rent free at our mom's house. Not a good look, and it's only luck that he was able to marry a decent woman who whipped him into shape.

This OP. In a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother was dangerously close to never launching, until he met and married a woman old enough to be his mother who took over raising him and got him out of our mom's house. This is just a sibling's perspective, but he was incredibly coddled by our mom (partially because he was targeted for abuse by our dad), and expectations were just very low for him. Both girls got straight A's, were presidents of clubs, played in band and sports, were in student government -- he just went to regular classes and played a couple of sports. He never had a job in high school (both of his sisters got jobs when they turned 15) and the excuse was always football, nevermind that all of our obligations added up to way more hours. When it's all said and done he wasn't really held to any particular standard - not for grades, not for extracurricular involvement, not for behavior, not for ambition. I don't know if it's because he was the only boy or because he was the youngest or because that's how they treated all of us but my sister and I had each other to compete with which gave us our own motivation. But I know it was ugly and led to him working at a pizza shop part time into his 30's, living rent free at our mom's house. Not a good look, and it's only luck that he was able to marry a decent woman who whipped him into shape.

Does your brother have children of his own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother was dangerously close to never launching, until he met and married a woman old enough to be his mother who took over raising him and got him out of our mom's house. This is just a sibling's perspective, but he was incredibly coddled by our mom (partially because he was targeted for abuse by our dad), and expectations were just very low for him. Both girls got straight A's, were presidents of clubs, played in band and sports, were in student government -- he just went to regular classes and played a couple of sports. He never had a job in high school (both of his sisters got jobs when they turned 15) and the excuse was always football, nevermind that all of our obligations added up to way more hours. When it's all said and done he wasn't really held to any particular standard - not for grades, not for extracurricular involvement, not for behavior, not for ambition. I don't know if it's because he was the only boy or because he was the youngest or because that's how they treated all of us but my sister and I had each other to compete with which gave us our own motivation. But I know it was ugly and led to him working at a pizza shop part time into his 30's, living rent free at our mom's house. Not a good look, and it's only luck that he was able to marry a decent woman who whipped him into shape.

Does your brother have children of his own?

The woman he married had two boys from a previous marriage, and he's a surprisingly hands-on and involved stepdad. I think it's at least partially because he was coming to the realization he was never going to have a family by the time they met and he's grateful. But no bio kids.

[Anonymous]

All the people I know who failed to launch (or are independent but floundering in a sea of poor choices) have hardass parents, or one hardass parent and one pushover. Tough love doesn't get your kid out of the house as successfully as support and shared expectations for achievement. Kids who want to make their parents proud, and feel that's achievable, usually do it.

Oh, and help them avoid college debt.

[Anonymous]

In a word - coddling.

Yes, some kids suffer from mental illness, but even those must be encouraged and supported into being independent adults.

[Anonymous]

In my relative’s case it’s adhd and bipolar. They cannot seem to maintain a job or schooling for more than a few months at a time. The only constant is the free rent at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read dcum. Parents overly involved in every aspect of life. Kids not driving until they are 18. (Seriously! My kids were driving all over at 16). Parents choosing colleges. Parents calling their kids employers. Parents overly involved in high school. Parents calling college professors. My oldest is a college professor. He gets it every semester. Parents jumping in to solve every crisis. Parents loaning money to adult kids. Etc...

Failure to launch is usually the result of poor parenting.

Yes, most people on here are horrified if you let your 10 year old walk home alone from school, or run into a grocery store alone, or use the stove.

[Anonymous]

It's having a situation where the parents don't make the kids do anything. They clean their kids rooms, they do their school projects, they smooth the way in every way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother was dangerously close to never launching, until he met and married a woman old enough to be his mother who took over raising him and got him out of our mom's house. This is just a sibling's perspective, but he was incredibly coddled by our mom (partially because he was targeted for abuse by our dad), and expectations were just very low for him. Both girls got straight A's, were presidents of clubs, played in band and sports, were in student government -- he just went to regular classes and played a couple of sports. He never had a job in high school (both of his sisters got jobs when they turned 15) and the excuse was always football, nevermind that all of our obligations added up to way more hours. When it's all said and done he wasn't really held to any particular standard - not for grades, not for extracurricular involvement, not for behavior, not for ambition. I don't know if it's because he was the only boy or because he was the youngest or because that's how they treated all of us but my sister and I had each other to compete with which gave us our own motivation. But I know it was ugly and led to him working at a pizza shop part time into his 30's, living rent free at our mom's house. Not a good look, and it's only luck that he was able to marry a decent woman who whipped him into shape.

This OP. In a nutshell.

My friend was valedictorian, president of the french club (and fluent), got a full ride to college....and is living at home at 32 with no job. (And no she is not an Instagram 'model' either -- although I think that counts as a failure to launch kid just as much as a boy gaming away in the basement all day).