What creates failure to launch kids?

[Anonymous]

My nephew flunked out of a third tier law school so his parents quickly set him up in an apartment and found him a job in the same city. Then they paid for him to get an online masters and he has had feel-good jobs with nonprofits which don’t pay enough for his rent in the expensive part of town. No matter—parents negotiated his rent with the landlord, a good friend. No wonder the young man has self-esteem issues.

[Anonymous]

If you read this thread closely, there are many possible causes. No, it is not always the parents' fault.

[Anonymous]

My two oldest kids and my two oldest nephews are all in their early 20s. All are recent college grads who are either working or in grad/professional school. Among their friends, I can only think of one FTL situation and that is a young person with severe mental illness, who is working hard to cope with this challenge.

With one year to go before DH and I becoming empty nesters after a quarter-century of parenting, I can offer this advice:
1) don't believe all the catastrophizing stories you hear about other people's kids;
2) when things are going right with your own kids, count your blessings and resist the temptation to be smug; and,
3) don't allow yourself the petty sense of superiority that comes from indulging in schadenfreude about what you see as the parenting shortcomings of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL talks about his adult children being successfully launched and how other people’s children are “bums”
living at home. Yet he and his wife had huge bar mitzvahs for them, paid for their cars, college and graduate school, are currently subsidizing their apartments, and will be paying for their large weddings. They also used their business contacts to get them their internships and interviews for their current jobs. Guess this “launching” is more like catapulting.

I don't have a problem with this *other than* presuming to look down on other families or somehow pretending his kids did it alone. So many people say they are self-made and simply ignore all the help they got.

But as a strategy to launch your kids, it's fine.

[Anonymous]

My brother is like this and a combination of the above stories. Youngest, not held to any standards growing up in school or with responsibility, always bailed out of everything and likely some mental illness. We can’t see any other reason he’s content relying on our parents paying for everything as a grown man in his 30s. Most people would want some independence and would want to hold a job. Our parents do not recognize his mental illness and still treat him like a child.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. I think this has many causes, and while parents aren't always at fault (like the case of the schizophrenic upthread), I think parenting has wayyyyyy more to do with it than is politically correct to admit.

People see their friends who are doing a generally good jobs of managing their lives (they're good employees, they're nice people, they're well intended, and so on) and they assume that they must be good parents. Unfortunately, people who are functional and nice people can do a lousy job of parenting one or many of their children.

Simply put, parenting is its own...thing. Some people are suited to it better than others, and some of the nicest people can be lousy parents.

A few failure to launch stories in my life:

- My younger brother was never held to any standard for anything. He was coddled by my mother at every turn. He was a super sweet child who was teased in elementary school, so she was incredibly protective of him. My mother is a good person who was trying to be a good mom, but her own upbringing was so dysfunctional that she really had no framework for normal. I think she thought she was meeting him where he was at, but the total lack of expectations at home caused him to never develop confidence. She also went back to work during his middle school years (which, normally, would be no problem), but in his case, he filled those couple of hours after school with drugs. After being teased in elementary school, he was ready to be "cool". My mother also has a remarkable ability to stick her head into the sand, so she never really heeded the warning signs. I don't put this on my father because he disagreed mightily with how she handled him. I think he went along with it to keep the family together.

- My good friend's is very wealthy from a commission-based sale that he made. He made about $10 million in his 30s, and neither of his kids ever really had any idea how hard it is to make a normal living. Neither of his kids saw either of their parents work - but they did see 4 luxury cars in the driveway, live in a McMansion, shopping sprees, dinners out all the time, and they took what was probably a $40,000 vacation every quarter. I don't think those kids had a damn clue as to what it takes for most people to earn a normal living (and if I'm honest, I don't think the parents do either). Older son is "launched" but suffers from major mental health issues including an eating disorder. Younger son is a complete train wreck, unemployed, drug addict, and has had many STDs. My friend, the father, got sick of his entitled kids (despite the fact that he and his wife basically created the problem), and cut them off in their early 20s. The kids had no confidence and they didn't know how to appropriately navigate the real world.

- Younger cousin's parents (my aunt and uncle) placed an enormous emphasis on a my cousin's abilities to play football. He was remarkably talented, but it was all football...all...the...time. Constant football, to the exclusion of developing any skill that might actually help in the real world. They straight up thought my cousin was going to be in the NFL. When football ended, and it was clear that the NFL was not knocking at their door, my cousin fell into a deep depression and had the worst time launching. My aunt was also very controlling, despite being a great person. She was wonderful, but still very much a "This is the way it is supposed to be!" kind of person (you know the type!). I think he was close with his mom and had a hard time with not wanting to disappoint her. He ended up launching eventually, when he met a woman as controlling as his mother. And surprise, surprise - the marriage is dysfunctional and my aunt hates her.

I think most of these FTLs are a combination of low expectations and low confidence.

[Anonymous]

Save for mental illness it's almost always a result of extreme parenting--i.e. helicoptering, Tiger Moms, coddling, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. I think this has many causes, and while parents aren't always at fault (like the case of the schizophrenic upthread), I think parenting has wayyyyyy more to do with it than is politically correct to admit.

People see their friends who are doing a generally good jobs of managing their lives (they're good employees, they're nice people, they're well intended, and so on) and they assume that they must be good parents. Unfortunately, people who are functional and nice people can do a lousy job of parenting one or many of their children.

Simply put, parenting is its own...thing. Some people are suited to it better than others, and some of the nicest people can be lousy parents.

A few failure to launch stories in my life:

- My younger brother was never held to any standard for anything. He was coddled by my mother at every turn. He was a super sweet child who was teased in elementary school, so she was incredibly protective of him. My mother is a good person who was trying to be a good mom, but her own upbringing was so dysfunctional that she really had no framework for normal. I think she thought she was meeting him where he was at, but the total lack of expectations at home caused him to never develop confidence. She also went back to work during his middle school years (which, normally, would be no problem), but in his case, he filled those couple of hours after school with drugs. After being teased in elementary school, he was ready to be "cool". My mother also has a remarkable ability to stick her head into the sand, so she never really heeded the warning signs. I don't put this on my father because he disagreed mightily with how she handled him. I think he went along with it to keep the family together.

- My good friend's is very wealthy from a commission-based sale that he made. He made about $10 million in his 30s, and neither of his kids ever really had any idea how hard it is to make a normal living. Neither of his kids saw either of their parents work - but they did see 4 luxury cars in the driveway, live in a McMansion, shopping sprees, dinners out all the time, and they took what was probably a $40,000 vacation every quarter. I don't think those kids had a damn clue as to what it takes for most people to earn a normal living (and if I'm honest, I don't think the parents do either). Older son is "launched" but suffers from major mental health issues including an eating disorder. Younger son is a complete train wreck, unemployed, drug addict, and has had many STDs. My friend, the father, got sick of his entitled kids (despite the fact that he and his wife basically created the problem), and cut them off in their early 20s. The kids had no confidence and they didn't know how to appropriately navigate the real world.

- Younger cousin's parents (my aunt and uncle) placed an enormous emphasis on a my cousin's abilities to play football. He was remarkably talented, but it was all football...all...the...time. Constant football, to the exclusion of developing any skill that might actually help in the real world. They straight up thought my cousin was going to be in the NFL. When football ended, and it was clear that the NFL was not knocking at their door, my cousin fell into a deep depression and had the worst time launching. My aunt was also very controlling, despite being a great person. She was wonderful, but still very much a "This is the way it is supposed to be!" kind of person (you know the type!). I think he was close with his mom and had a hard time with not wanting to disappoint her. He ended up launching eventually, when he met a woman as controlling as his mother. And surprise, surprise - the marriage is dysfunctional and my aunt hates her.

I think most of these FTLs are a combination of low expectations and low confidence.

Wow - I could have written the same story about my brother - right down to the teasing and the middle school change.

[Anonymous]

How long do you think a kid can live at home before they are FTL? What about if more than one kid is FTL at the same time? So two adult kids living at home ....

[Anonymous]

100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long do you think a kid can live at home before they are FTL? What about if more than one kid is FTL at the same time? So two adult kids living at home ....

I think this is the situation at my neighbor’s. One son went to HS with my older DD who is now 26, college grad, employed FT in the field she majored in, has a car payment, 401k, and her own apt. Meanwhile, her classmate seems to do nothing except take the trash out. His younger brother did a semester away at college and returned at Christmas intending to enroll in CC. That was 4 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is like this and a combination of the above stories. Youngest, not held to any standards growing up in school or with responsibility, always bailed out of everything and likely some mental illness. We can’t see any other reason he’s content relying on our parents paying for everything as a grown man in his 30s. Most people would want some independence and would want to hold a job. Our parents do not recognize his mental illness and still treat him like a child.

His parents created his mental illness, you know. Children are never treated exactly the same way.

[Anonymous]

Mental illness. My BIL has agoraphobia and severe anxiety. Didn't leave hlme until his mid 30s.

[Anonymous]

Personal issues. Truly don't think it has anything to do with the parents. My sister is a failure to launch adult, and the rest of the siblings were,nothing like that. Honestly see nothing about my parents' parenting that would be responsible for it.