What creates failure to launch kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Save for mental illness it's almost always a result of extreme parenting--i.e. helicoptering, Tiger Moms, coddling, etc.

Or neglect. Some kind of trauma early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

But even if they are productive - or especially if the’re productive - shouldn’t they want to live independently? Isn’t there something awry there too?

[Anonymous]

I think there’s a lot of adult kids around here who live at home cuz the parents’ house is nicer than an apartment, plus there’s food, laundry service etc. So I think we are talking about productive adults who’ve graduated from college. Not because of cultural reasons.

How long is too long after college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

But even if they are productive - or especially if the’re productive - shouldn’t they want to live independently? Isn’t there something awry there too?

Depends on the culture. Normal American kid? I'd think there was something wrong. But for many cultures this is normal and no one bats an eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

But even if they are productive - or especially if the’re productive - shouldn’t they want to live independently? Isn’t there something awry there too?

Eh. I think it depends. My kid graduated from college in May and is living at home for the next year because she wants to save up money for grad school (currently in the process of applying to schools and will enter in fall of 2020) - every $ she can save up now is $ she won't have to pay back later as a student loan with interest. That's just financially sensible, IMO. No sense in her pissing away rent for the next year just for the sake of "independence". Now, if my kid moved back home without a concrete reason and timeline of when they'd leave, I'd be more wary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is like this and a combination of the above stories. Youngest, not held to any standards growing up in school or with responsibility, always bailed out of everything and likely some mental illness. We can’t see any other reason he’s content relying on our parents paying for everything as a grown man in his 30s. Most people would want some independence and would want to hold a job. Our parents do not recognize his mental illness and still treat him like a child.

His parents created his mental illness, you know. Children are never treated exactly the same way.

Don’t spread misinformation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now properly terrified to having my toddlers still with me into midlife, thanks to another thread. I’ve never met a failure to launch(FTL) in the wild. Anybody have any insight into how to avoid this particular parenting pitfall?

Your kids are too young to worry about this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is like this and a combination of the above stories. Youngest, not held to any standards growing up in school or with responsibility, always bailed out of everything and likely some mental illness. We can’t see any other reason he’s content relying on our parents paying for everything as a grown man in his 30s. Most people would want some independence and would want to hold a job. Our parents do not recognize his mental illness and still treat him like a child.

His parents created his mental illness, you know. Children are never treated exactly the same way.

Don’t spread misinformation.

Environment matters. This includes family caregivers.
How does anyone not know this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

But even if they are productive - or especially if the’re productive - shouldn’t they want to live independently? Isn’t there something awry there too?

Eh. I think it depends. My kid graduated from college in May and is living at home for the next year because she wants to save up money for grad school (currently in the process of applying to schools and will enter in fall of 2020) - every $ she can save up now is $ she won't have to pay back later as a student loan with interest. That's just financially sensible, IMO. No sense in her pissing away rent for the next year just for the sake of "independence". Now, if my kid moved back home without a concrete reason and timeline of when they'd leave, I'd be more wary.

This is not at all what is meant by failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now properly terrified to having my toddlers still with me into midlife, thanks to another thread. I’ve never met a failure to launch(FTL) in the wild. Anybody have any insight into how to avoid this particular parenting pitfall?

Your kids are too young to worry about this!

Not too young at all to encourage self help skills and to be involved in family chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personal issues. Truly don't think it has anything to do with the parents. My sister is a failure to launch adult, and the rest of the siblings were,nothing like that. Honestly see nothing about my parents' parenting that would be responsible for it.

Ha! Look harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 years ago, it was really common for kids to live at home until they were married, which sometimes meant until their parents died if they never married. One difference is that those children were expected to contribute to the household, both financially and through work around the house (cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.). I don't have a problem with young people living with their parents, so long as they are being adult about it and contributing to the household -- that seems to me just a cultural choice, rather than a failure to become an adult. Free-riding is a problem.

Lol. I don’t think this thread is about productive adults living at home after college.

But even if they are productive - or especially if the’re productive - shouldn’t they want to live independently? Isn’t there something awry there too?

Eh. I think it depends. My kid graduated from college in May and is living at home for the next year because she wants to save up money for grad school (currently in the process of applying to schools and will enter in fall of 2020) - every $ she can save up now is $ she won't have to pay back later as a student loan with interest. That's just financially sensible, IMO. No sense in her pissing away rent for the next year just for the sake of "independence". Now, if my kid moved back home without a concrete reason and timeline of when they'd leave, I'd be more wary.

This is not at all what is meant by failure to launch.

I was responding to the post above mine that stated that something is awry if a productive adult is living at home after college.

[Anonymous]

Contrary to what some posters want to believe, I see more "floundering" kids from laissez faire families than from overly involved families where the parents established strong frameworks for growing up with high expectations and a clear path to adulthood. The helicopter parents got their kids out of the house into good colleges, then good grad schools and then good careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contrary to what some posters want to believe, I see more "floundering" kids from laissez faire families than from overly involved families where the parents established strong frameworks for growing up with high expectations and a clear path to adulthood. The helicopter parents got their kids out of the house into good colleges, then good grad schools and then good careers.

Maybe some codependency too with the mom (less likely with the dad) ...

[Anonymous]

I've watched this dynamic with my brother in law for years, almost two decades. He married a girl who is completely in love with her parents (this may not be an overstatement). As a married couple, they have lived with her parents (on and off) for years and years at a time. Maybe part of that was for financial reasons, but I also think she just prefers it. They had two kids while still living under her parent's roof.

I'm sure every case is different, but some kids just never really "launch."

They are insecure, made bad choices, some have bad luck - all of which could be connected to bad parenting, but not always. But, there are parents enable their children and sometimes "love" them too much to watch them struggle - these are bad parents. The parents who stuffed the cribs with pillows and plushy animals because they don't want their babies to be lonely or cold, sometimes suffocate them.