What creates failure to launch kids?

[Anonymous]

My brother stuttered and my parents got him speech therapy for that but this is also when they were divorcing and I think they felt immense guilt. My parents did a LOT -- especially my mom -- to "launch" my brother and he was fine until he went to college. Freshman year he came home and didn't go back and my parents insisted he get a job, which he did and he was on an OK track and then he got a woman pregnant and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think my brother has some other undiagnosed and untreated issues (depression, anxiety etc) and that contributes to his lapsed launch. He would still be living in our mom's basement if she hadn't died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a “bad financial decision” to move to NYC after college. Turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Moving away from home after college should be encouraged. Failure to launch can also create delayed adulthood. There is mindset is that if I can't live like I did while my parents paid all my bills as a child, than I will let my parents pay the bills as an adult (18+) until I figure out life even if it takes another 10-15 years. You figure out life a lot quicker when it's on your dime and you have to decide things like do I go to a concert or do I have electricity? Do I go on vacation with friends or have a cell phone?

Failure to launch young adults can also be a pain in the workplace, not all, but some. When people aren't used to or forced to do certain things, that bleeds over into work. I may be the same age as your parents, but I am not your parent and will not tolerate you like they will.
My friend had one failure to launch 20-something who didn't understand the big deal that he come back from lunch a few minutes late every day because his favorite place was 6 blocks away and the walk took awhile.
Another had their mother call in sick. Ummm you're 29!
Once I had an employee who left their badge at home and could not get around the building without it. The employee only lived c. 20 minutes away and we allowed him to go get it but he said his mom was going to drop it off at around noon along with his lunch.

Yes. I hated my first job and would drive to work sobbing every day. I asked my parents if I could come home if I quit and they said no. I figured it out. I got another job making more money in a bigger market, got my own place and yes, my parents helped that first year, but I made it my goal to not need them and after that I was independent. It changed our relationship, too, because my parents money came with "advice."

[Anonymous]

Children also come into the world as their own people. They are individuals who are not clones of their siblings and parents. Parents can do all they can to put their child on a clear path but it might not matter.

I also think the economy isn't nearly as great as advertised.

A friend of mine with kids ranging in age from 11 to 24 told me recently that 18-24 is the most difficult parenting stage, because they are adults now but they still need you. They can expect your financial help but do not want your advice along with it. Even when it's good advice.

[Anonymous]

Over-indulgence. Low expectations. "You always have a home here with us" mantra.

I'll add: having a lovely home. How difficult it is for an adult child to leave the super-padded, luxurious confines of the family home to...what? Move into a shared apartment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

Except it is totally normal in many cultures...many of which have increasing immigrant and now first/second generation populations in the US. Are you really suggesting that most Asians are psychologically damaged?

Maybe.

Racist. Seems like you failed to launch yourself.

[Anonymous]

Also, addictions! Parents and or adult children.

[Anonymous]

Not teaching kids life skills like communication, finances, self-entertainment, hard work over their childhood. People just want their kids to do well in school and extracurriculars but without any actual real life skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over-indulgence. Low expectations. "You always have a home here with us" mantra.

I'll add: having a lovely home. How difficult it is for an adult child to leave the super-padded, luxurious confines of the family home to...what? Move into a shared apartment?

DH and I both left nice parents and lovely homes for old, cramped apartments. The drive for independence was that strong. All of our friends felt the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother stuttered and my parents got him speech therapy for that but this is also when they were divorcing and I think they felt immense guilt. My parents did a LOT -- especially my mom -- to "launch" my brother and he was fine until he went to college. Freshman year he came home and didn't go back and my parents insisted he get a job, which he did and he was on an OK track and then he got a woman pregnant and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think my brother has some other undiagnosed and untreated issues (depression, anxiety etc) and that contributes to his lapsed launch. He would still be living in our mom's basement if she hadn't died.

Where is he living now? Don’t leave us hanging, pp!

[Anonymous]

My sister has a DD who was clearly on the way to being FTL (tons of issues - many of those mentioned above - plus she basically said she wanted to live with my sister forever). So as an empty-nester, that was one factor in my sister’s decision to move out of her big comfy house into a condo that didn’t really have space for my niece to live. Drastic, I know. But it worked! My niece is now basically independent and thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a DD who was clearly on the way to being FTL (tons of issues - many of those mentioned above - plus she basically said she wanted to live with my sister forever). So as an empty-nester, that was one factor in my sister’s decision to move out of her big comfy house into a condo that didn’t really have space for my niece to live. Drastic, I know. But it worked! My niece is now basically independent and thriving.

Our friends with three children did the same. As soon as the 3rd graduated from high school, they sold their suburban house and moved into a two bedroom flat in the city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over-indulgence. Low expectations. "You always have a home here with us" mantra.

I'll add: having a lovely home. How difficult it is for an adult child to leave the super-padded, luxurious confines of the family home to...what? Move into a shared apartment?

DH and I both left nice parents and lovely homes for old, cramped apartments. The drive for independence was that strong. All of our friends felt the same way.

+1000, and if a kid doesn’t have that, there is a problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over-indulgence. Low expectations. "You always have a home here with us" mantra.

I'll add: having a lovely home. How difficult it is for an adult child to leave the super-padded, luxurious confines of the family home to...what? Move into a shared apartment?

Disagree with the you always have a home here with us mantra. It is the best thing my mom ever drilled into my head bc I knew if I were ever in a bad situation like a terrible marriage or dangerous living situation that I had a place to go. That's said I left after school and didn't want to go home and I was living paycheck to paycheck but that was a matter of pride. I think actually talking about self sufficiency and the excitement of that chapter of your life is good for kids. You become proud of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

Except it is totally normal in many cultures...many of which have increasing immigrant and now first/second generation populations in the US. Are you really suggesting that most Asians are psychologically damaged?

Maybe not psychologically damanged. But, these Asian and Indian men who live with their moms are not going to be the best husbands pitching in with houdehold chores in their nuclear famuly, when they get married. Ladies need to be wary of these men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over-indulgence. Low expectations. "You always have a home here with us" mantra.

I'll add: having a lovely home. How difficult it is for an adult child to leave the super-padded, luxurious confines of the family home to...what? Move into a shared apartment?

Disagree with the you always have a home here with us mantra. It is the best thing my mom ever drilled into my head bc I knew if I were ever in a bad situation like a terrible marriage or dangerous living situation that I had a place to go. That's said I left after school and didn't want to go home and I was living paycheck to paycheck but that was a matter of pride. I think actually talking about self sufficiency and the excitement of that chapter of your life is good for kids. You become proud of it

+1000 It can be an oasis to regroup and get healthy before continuing one’s journey.