If you hated your own school years..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP: You very obviously need mental health assistance. This degree of anxiety about something that doesn't matter at all is just not healthy. More importantly, you are going to seriously damage your child.

Think about it this way: What is the worst thing that happens? Your kid gets kicked out of school (very unlikely)? Then send her to public. Done. Even the worst case scenario, getting kicked out of kindergarten (very unlikely), has literally no negative effects on the rest of your life.

Also, be a grown up. You can tell your 5 year old what to do. If you need to aim for 30 minutes early to normally be on time? Make it happen. Can't drop her off until 10 minutes early? Park a few streets away or drive in circles for 20 minutes. Done.

I've been having that conversation with DH. But the school is off a highway with nowhere to park nearby. We're not in DC anymore and my crutches don't work here (yes, I would usually park at a park for 20 minutes).

I'm in therapy, but she agrees DD is too big to carry around and force to do things. So I end up wondering how I'm supposed to control other people.

Your therapist has her work cut out for her.

[Anonymous]

Anxious parent of a strong-willed child in a military family here. I am glad you are in therapy, you need to learn about anxiety in adults and also how it manifests in children. Find a better parenting class or read some books. Kazdin is a great author. You as the parent need to be the calm one with a plan, no matter how anxious you are on the inside. And once you have a good routine going, take turns with your husband getting your child to school. You both need to be adults now.

You need to be very clear in your own mind what your boundaries are. No, you cannot force your child to dress, but walking in late to get the tardy slip and having your child explain to the admin why they are late may fix that. You are teaching your child to be responsible for the consequences of her choices.

Or you could decide that you are leaving at whatever time and put your child in the car in their pajamas. I only had to do that once because my daughter was embarrassed to be dressing in the parking lot.

There has to be a dress option for a girl with leggings or shorts underneath. Do that instead of the belt. Or get a Velcro simple belt.

With such a long commute your child can always eat in the car, so I would be prepared for that.

Good luck! It gets easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP: You very obviously need mental health assistance. This degree of anxiety about something that doesn't matter at all is just not healthy. More importantly, you are going to seriously damage your child.

Think about it this way: What is the worst thing that happens? Your kid gets kicked out of school (very unlikely)? Then send her to public. Done. Even the worst case scenario, getting kicked out of kindergarten (very unlikely), has literally no negative effects on the rest of your life.

Also, be a grown up. You can tell your 5 year old what to do. If you need to aim for 30 minutes early to normally be on time? Make it happen. Can't drop her off until 10 minutes early? Park a few streets away or drive in circles for 20 minutes. Done.

I've been having that conversation with DH. But the school is off a highway with nowhere to park nearby. We're not in DC anymore and my crutches don't work here (yes, I would usually park at a park for 20 minutes).

I'm in therapy, but she agrees DD is too big to carry around and force to do things. So I end up wondering how I'm supposed to control other people.

Your therapist has her work cut out for her.

People like you are why I don't bother trying to make friends anymore. And why I quit therapy more than I'm in it. I know the therapist doesn't want to help and is only in it for the money. Do you understand how humiliating that is?

[Anonymous]

I don't know for sure, OP, but you sound like you don't have good boundaries with your kid. You are assuming that she will have the same issues you had in school and not only that but you seem to be reliving your fears of school through her. I suggest doing therapy to work through your childhood issues and to learn how to separate emotionally from your kid. I don't know if that's for sure what is going on for you but it's a guess.

BTW, I clicked on this thread because I hated high school and it was only after I crashed and burned that I realized that the problem wasn't the school but my family. Dad was an alcoholic and we were in crisis but I didn't realize that that's what was happening. Not saying that's your issue - just saying that hating school can just be a lifestyle difference or it can mean something is going on in one's family. Things that you may want to reflect on - or not. Anyway, I hope things work out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP: You very obviously need mental health assistance. This degree of anxiety about something that doesn't matter at all is just not healthy. More importantly, you are going to seriously damage your child.

Think about it this way: What is the worst thing that happens? Your kid gets kicked out of school (very unlikely)? Then send her to public. Done. Even the worst case scenario, getting kicked out of kindergarten (very unlikely), has literally no negative effects on the rest of your life.

Also, be a grown up. You can tell your 5 year old what to do. If you need to aim for 30 minutes early to normally be on time? Make it happen. Can't drop her off until 10 minutes early? Park a few streets away or drive in circles for 20 minutes. Done.

I've been having that conversation with DH. But the school is off a highway with nowhere to park nearby. We're not in DC anymore and my crutches don't work here (yes, I would usually park at a park for 20 minutes).

I'm in therapy, but she agrees DD is too big to carry around and force to do things. So I end up wondering how I'm supposed to control other people.

Your therapist has her work cut out for her.

People like you are why I don't bother trying to make friends anymore. And why I quit therapy more than I'm in it. I know the therapist doesn't want to help and is only in it for the money. Do you understand how humiliating that is?

OP, I've made suggestions for solutions, solutions for making school work, suggestions to let go of your unreasonable concerns. You've ignored every suggestion. You don't want to hear it.

Good luck. When you're ready to hear suggestions, we are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know for sure, OP, but you sound like you don't have good boundaries with your kid. You are assuming that she will have the same issues you had in school and not only that but you seem to be reliving your fears of school through her. I suggest doing therapy to work through your childhood issues and to learn how to separate emotionally from your kid. I don't know if that's for sure what is going on for you but it's a guess.

BTW, I clicked on this thread because I hated high school and it was only after I crashed and burned that I realized that the problem wasn't the school but my family. Dad was an alcoholic and we were in crisis but I didn't realize that that's what was happening. Not saying that's your issue - just saying that hating school can just be a lifestyle difference or it can mean something is going on in one's family. Things that you may want to reflect on - or not. Anyway, I hope things work out for you.

I know my issues - I punished severely for breaking the slightest of rules, even accidentally. Therapist says there's not much I can do but wait for DD to break them and act differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you may not be able to control your husband gettig anywhere on time, you absolutely can control your kindergartener getting to school on time most days. Not on base lock down days, but the rest of the time. And those times, it will be excused, guaranteed.

OP here. But how? I can only control myself. She's too big for me to dress and carry out the door if she doesn't want to go, and I certainly can't carry her screaming into the building.

What happens in all other situations where you need her to comply? If she won’t wear a seatbelt do you let her make that choice? What if she refuses to take a shower? Doesn’t eat the meal you made? Won’t leave the park you took her to? Wants a string bikini at 5 and not a rash guard like you went to target to get? In all those situations you are not “in her body”’ but you find a way to get her to comply. Use those skills and strategies. People names sticker charts and punishments. Those work.

You are literally surrounded by rules. You can’t drive at any speed you want. You can’t take property without paying. You can’t drive on the sidewalk because you feel like it. Your job probably has a 100s page thick rules and regulations book for both your profession and your company. Some rules you agree with and don’t even notice. But reframe your thinking that there are “no rules” as an adults. There are millions.

You picked a job with flexibility. My job actually does care and documents when you are even 2 min late. Or if you need to leave to go to a doctors appointment. I don’t have flexibility and it’s not “just get your work done.” I chose this job knowing that because there were other benefits I wanted from my work site. You chose a school because there were some things you liked about it. You have to accept the parts you don’t. OR you look for a schoolteacher hat may not meet other needs but that has more flex on the arrival or the uniform.

And you can totally get to school 30 min early and sit in the parking lot. The highway thing is an excuse. They will not take your kids. You can’t talk to school staff but the parking lot will not be locked with a gate until 10 min before. Get there, sit, read a chapter book with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you may not be able to control your husband gettig anywhere on time, you absolutely can control your kindergartener getting to school on time most days. Not on base lock down days, but the rest of the time. And those times, it will be excused, guaranteed.

OP here. But how? I can only control myself. She's too big for me to dress and carry out the door if she doesn't want to go, and I certainly can't carry her screaming into the building.

What happens in all other situations where you need her to comply? If she won’t wear a seatbelt do you let her make that choice? What if she refuses to take a shower? Doesn’t eat the meal you made? Won’t leave the park you took her to? Wants a string bikini at 5 and not a rash guard like you went to target to get? In all those situations you are not “in her body”’ but you find a way to get her to comply. Use those skills and strategies. People names sticker charts and punishments. Those work.

You are literally surrounded by rules. You can’t drive at any speed you want. You can’t take property without paying. You can’t drive on the sidewalk because you feel like it. Your job probably has a 100s page thick rules and regulations book for both your profession and your company. Some rules you agree with and don’t even notice. But reframe your thinking that there are “no rules” as an adults. There are millions.

You picked a job with flexibility. My job actually does care and documents when you are even 2 min late. Or if you need to leave to go to a doctors appointment. I don’t have flexibility and it’s not “just get your work done.” I chose this job knowing that because there were other benefits I wanted from my work site. You chose a school because there were some things you liked about it. You have to accept the parts you don’t. OR you look for a schoolteacher hat may not meet other needs but that has more flex on the arrival or the uniform.

And you can totally get to school 30 min early and sit in the parking lot. The highway thing is an excuse. They will not take your kids. You can’t talk to school staff but the parking lot will not be locked with a gate until 10 min before. Get there, sit, read a chapter book with your kid.

There actually is a gate. It opens 15 minutes before dropoff begins.

[Anonymous]

That’s interesting. So staff can only arrive 15 min early? Surely there is some road somewhere you can sit but 15 min before drop off starts must be at least 20 min before drop off window ends (so they open at 7:45 and school starts at 8:05, so then they open the gate at 7:30 - which puts you 35 min before she is even late. So aim to be there at gate drop every morning and that buys you wiggle room if you are late.

You still did not address how you handle all other situations of compliance

[Anonymous]

If she is that miserable after a week or two at school, you change schools. If she has options in the uniform, take her and try the different options and let her decide. If she refuses to go to school or wear the uniform, no electronics and she stays in her room that day as a consequence except bathroom and meals. Be a parent. Most bases have FREE mental health services. Some have free parenting classes. Use them. She can miss school to see her Dad. If she is late due to traffic, no one cares in K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know for sure, OP, but you sound like you don't have good boundaries with your kid. You are assuming that she will have the same issues you had in school and not only that but you seem to be reliving your fears of school through her. I suggest doing therapy to work through your childhood issues and to learn how to separate emotionally from your kid. I don't know if that's for sure what is going on for you but it's a guess.

BTW, I clicked on this thread because I hated high school and it was only after I crashed and burned that I realized that the problem wasn't the school but my family. Dad was an alcoholic and we were in crisis but I didn't realize that that's what was happening. Not saying that's your issue - just saying that hating school can just be a lifestyle difference or it can mean something is going on in one's family. Things that you may want to reflect on - or not. Anyway, I hope things work out for you.

I know my issues - I punished severely for breaking the slightest of rules, even accidentally. Therapist says there's not much I can do but wait for DD to break them and act differently.

You are creating issues when there are none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP: You very obviously need mental health assistance. This degree of anxiety about something that doesn't matter at all is just not healthy. More importantly, you are going to seriously damage your child.

Think about it this way: What is the worst thing that happens? Your kid gets kicked out of school (very unlikely)? Then send her to public. Done. Even the worst case scenario, getting kicked out of kindergarten (very unlikely), has literally no negative effects on the rest of your life.

Also, be a grown up. You can tell your 5 year old what to do. If you need to aim for 30 minutes early to normally be on time? Make it happen. Can't drop her off until 10 minutes early? Park a few streets away or drive in circles for 20 minutes. Done.

I've been having that conversation with DH. But the school is off a highway with nowhere to park nearby. We're not in DC anymore and my crutches don't work here (yes, I would usually park at a park for 20 minutes).

I'm in therapy, but she agrees DD is too big to carry around and force to do things. So I end up wondering how I'm supposed to control other people.

Your therapist has her work cut out for her.

People like you are why I don't bother trying to make friends anymore. And why I quit therapy more than I'm in it. I know the therapist doesn't want to help and is only in it for the money. Do you understand how humiliating that is?

All of the professionals I work with every day, from plumbers to therapists, are only in it for the money. But they do want to help. Why can’t both things be true? Why on earth is it humiliating to employ somebody for their professional services?

I am in IT. I’m only in it for the money. But I do also enjoy helping people, because it’s nice to make people’s days better.

Look for someone with a background in cognitive behavioral therapy, because you have some really distorted thought patterns going on.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you post before about the volunteer hours requirement for this school?