How awful would it be if my DD didn't attend her dad's wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get how people are reading OPs post and thinking that it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her to drop her THREE YEAR OLD off at a weeknight wedding at 7:30pm, leave her there with strangers (because her dad will be busy) and pick her up an hour later, then put the over tired toddler to bed, and get a cranky, over tired toddler up in the morning at her normal weekday wake up time in order to get to day care and work on time. Do you know any actual three year olds?? There’s no way in hell I would do it. If ExH wants her there that badly, he needs to make ALLLL the arrangements.

This. I think it’d be good for the kid to attend but it’s not OP’s job to facilitate it.

Unfortunately, the father's idea of facilitating the child being there involves having the child watched by someone that she does not know (yes, her own grandmother is a stranger to her which is very sad). Not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it under the condition that x-DH, stepmom and her mother meet me and DD for lunch a few weeks/days before the wedding.

Aside from the fact that this sounds like the least fun lunch of my life, there’s probably not time to make this happen. DD’s presence was requested late last week and the wedding is early next week.

The more I write about this, the more I’m convinced that the whole request is absurd and she doesn’t need to go.

Has DD met the bride?

Here's a thought - why not say the evening is too late for her, but suggest that she attend a family brunch the day of or after so they can all get to meet her. You drop her off, her dad cares for her, then he drives her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it under the condition that x-DH, stepmom and her mother meet me and DD for lunch a few weeks/days before the wedding.

Aside from the fact that this sounds like the least fun lunch of my life, there’s probably not time to make this happen. DD’s presence was requested late last week and the wedding is early next week.

The more I write about this, the more I’m convinced that the whole request is absurd and she doesn’t need to go.

I would definitely not do that lunch! how awful that would be. I am sure your ex doesn't exactly want you explaining how he abandoned you with an infant to his soon to be wife's mom!

How often does he see her? Is she close to him at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it under the condition that x-DH, stepmom and her mother meet me and DD for lunch a few weeks/days before the wedding.

Aside from the fact that this sounds like the least fun lunch of my life, there’s probably not time to make this happen. DD’s presence was requested late last week and the wedding is early next week.

The more I write about this, the more I’m convinced that the whole request is absurd and she doesn’t need to go.

Oh, good grief, no. These people are absolutely beyond ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

she doesn't need to go- people who say otherwise are just reading your subject line- not the post.
You can just say- "I'm not able to get her there at that time. If you would like someone to come pick her up and take her to the reception, then bring her back to my house later that evening, please let me know who that person is and what time they are coming."

Typically formal pictures would be at the ceremony, not the reception- DD is not invited to the ceremony.
I doubt she will look back and wonder why she wasn't there- it does not seem likely that wife #4 will be a fixture in her life.

BTW- I'm guessing there are more wives than you know about. My FIL is like your exDH- constantly sweeping a new woman off her feet and being sure she is the one who is going to bring him total fulfillment in life. He generally only tells the new woman about my DH's mom- the mother of his children because he can't avoid it.

[Anonymous]

You do come across as a jealous bitch.

[Anonymous]

OP ex-DH is CLEARLY a narcissist, I’m guessing attractive but likely not rich (from the weekday wedding venue and not just springing for a sitter).

Toddler DD is just for pictures and to look like a caring dad. She will be forgotten after a hot minute.

How is the MIL going to watch the toddler, and she is often in pictures, socializing with the guests at her DAUGHTERS wedding, probably drinking (I would be if my daughter was entering into this matrimony).

Babysitting an unknown toddler in evening ware at a venue is absurd.

OP lay down the law. Tell him you will come to the reception with DD, let him take his pictures and then whisk her away. Do not hand her off to anyone.

BTW of course he didn’t switch nights. it’s his wedding night, he’s getting some special nookie, and again won’t spring for a sitter for DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do come across as a jealous bitch.

Omg not even close. OP sounds totally reasonable in not wanting to deal with her psycho ex who clearly added DD to the wedding as an afterthought.

Stay strong, OP. I wouldn’t even let her go if he had childcare options for her. It’s going to be too much of a sh!tshow guaranteed. At 3 that kid needs to be in bed at normal time, not being ignored at a wedding or forced to interact with people she doesn’t know.

All those saying OP needs to make it happen just so that DD doesn’t question her absence at the wedding 10 years from now are WAY OFF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it under the condition that x-DH, stepmom and her mother meet me and DD for lunch a few weeks/days before the wedding.

Aside from the fact that this sounds like the least fun lunch of my life, there’s probably not time to make this happen. DD’s presence was requested late last week and the wedding is early next week.

The more I write about this, the more I’m convinced that the whole request is absurd and she doesn’t need to go.

This would not be for anyone’s pleasure. This woman is going to be in your child’s life to at least some extent. Her mom is planning to babysit for this event, hence the reason you should meet/screen her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it under the condition that x-DH, stepmom and her mother meet me and DD for lunch a few weeks/days before the wedding.

Aside from the fact that this sounds like the least fun lunch of my life, there’s probably not time to make this happen. DD’s presence was requested late last week and the wedding is early next week.

The more I write about this, the more I’m convinced that the whole request is absurd and she doesn’t need to go.

This would not be for anyone’s pleasure. This woman is going to be in your child’s life to at least some extent. Her mom is planning to babysit for this event, hence the reason you should meet/screen her.

Or she could just say no. Jeez.

It is one hour, not on his parenting time, during which he is not planning to spend time with his child and has arranged an unknown adult to "watch her" for the hour.

If he really wanted to make sure that his child was included in the event, he could have planned better/differently/at all. It is not OP's responsibility to facilitate a relationship with the new wife of her ex-husband who cheated on her and left her for the other woman. She does not need to bend over backward trying to accommodate this ridiculous situation and prostrate herself being pleasant to these people. That is her ex's responsibility. Why should OP prioritize it in the slightest??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do it under the condition that x-DH, stepmom and her mother meet me and DD for lunch a few weeks/days before the wedding.

Aside from the fact that this sounds like the least fun lunch of my life, there’s probably not time to make this happen. DD’s presence was requested late last week and the wedding is early next week.

The more I write about this, the more I’m convinced that the whole request is absurd and she doesn’t need to go.

This would not be for anyone’s pleasure. This woman is going to be in your child’s life to at least some extent. Her mom is planning to babysit for this event, hence the reason you should meet/screen her.

Or she could just say no. Jeez.

It is one hour, not on his parenting time, during which he is not planning to spend time with his child and has arranged an unknown adult to "watch her" for the hour.

If he really wanted to make sure that his child was included in the event, he could have planned better/differently/at all. It is not OP's responsibility to facilitate a relationship with the new wife of her ex-husband who cheated on her and left her for the other woman. She does not need to bend over backward trying to accommodate this ridiculous situation and prostrate herself being pleasant to these people. That is her ex's responsibility. Why should OP prioritize it in the slightest??

Well, one reason she could be easy to get along with by doing this admittedly stupid favor for him is that he may try to fight for more custody in the future, especially with a new wife in the picture and potentially wanting more of a “family” or also paying less child support. OP sounds like she has no interest in that, but her daughter is only 3 and it’s going to be a long road ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get how people are reading OPs post and thinking that it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her to drop her THREE YEAR OLD off at a weeknight wedding at 7:30pm, leave her there with strangers (because her dad will be busy) and pick her up an hour later, then put the over tired toddler to bed, and get a cranky, over tired toddler up in the morning at her normal weekday wake up time in order to get to day care and work on time. Do you know any actual three year olds?? There’s no way in hell I would do it. If ExH wants her there that badly, he needs to make ALLLL the arrangements.

This. I think it’d be good for the kid to attend but it’s not OP’s job to facilitate it.

Unfortunately, the father's idea of facilitating the child being there involves having the child watched by someone that she does not know (yes, her own grandmother is a stranger to her which is very sad). Not acceptable.

I have a mentally ill ex who remarried and requested our kids presence at his wedding, so all your problems are familiar to me even though my kids are much older (MS).


The thing about being in a situation with such a narcissistic or mentally ill ex partner is that you cannot have a rational conversation about what's best for your child without everything being an attack on him as a "bad dad" which makes him want to insist even more on his way.

I would say that you'd be happy to have DC attend the reception for an hour or so and that you will have a babysitter bring DC to the venue. Say that you are happy to have Grandma watch the child, but you also want the babysitter to stay because it's a lot of work to keep track of a little one and you want someone else to be there to support Grandma so she can also enjoy the reception. Babysitter can take care of unexpected problems like -- what if she has a potty accident? etc. I'd also frame the limited time span as -- I know you really want DC to come, and I'm happy to have her there but she gets tired and cranky after her bedtime and it would be terrible if that happened at your party, plus you and your wife and family deserve to have some time with extended family whom you rarely see.

It's up to you whether you want to hire someone DC knows well but might be younger (and not as able to navigate sticky social situations?) or someone older that maybe DC doesn't know as well who is a friend or babysitter (but who could maybe also drive to the venue?)

You will be able to get what you want by framing yourself as being cooperative and helping exDH. If you frame it as what is best for the child, you will get major pushback from your ex because it implies he doesn't know what's best for the child. If she's not there, you will feed his flame (and the family flame) about how you are a horrible woman who is preventing a loving dad from spending time with DD. While I'm sure you don't give a flying F what other people think (and nor should you in some ways), it will be easier in the long run if you appear to be at least minimally compliant (and to prevent any future custody challenges you should always appear cooperative. I tend to rarely say "no" but often say, "not that but this".

FWIW, my kids went to DH's wedding, and all they remember is how incredibly drunk all the adults were. That turned out to be a useful eye opener at just the right age about the dangers of drinking and how uncool it is to be trashed. Other than that the kids left the wedding with a sense that their dad and new stepmom paid very little attention to them. They spent a lot of time with their similar age cousins, which was a good memory, as well as photos of them very dressed up. At age 3, your DD may end up with some photos of herself with other family. That's not a bad thing. Other than that, she probably won't remember much.

Whatever you do, please don't appear yourself at the reception nor stay at the hotel bar while the reception is going on. Even if I had to drive and sit in an empty parking lot nearby, that's preferable to being at the wedding reception. That feeds a whole different narrative about how you are a jealous and uncooperative ex-wife. While you rightfully understand that your ex depends on the "good dad" narrative to bond him to new wife and keep him good standing publicly, you seem to be missing how he also achieves the same goals when you feed the "jealous ex-wife" image (as many on this thread are falling for).

[Anonymous]

What kind of ghetto-ass wedding is done on a weeknight where guests have to go to work the next day?

Skip it. She's 3. She'll not remember and it doesn't sound like he has much of a relationship with her anyway.

Also, for future reference, if you marry a man as anything other than wife #2, do NOT procreate with that man.

[Anonymous]

No way I am dropping my 3YO off in ANY situation where I do not know exactly who will be responsible for her the whole time.

OP - you keep your daughter home. There is a reason you have full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do come across as a jealous bitch.

Are you f*cking kidding me?? Please point to which posts, exactly, paint OP as a jealous b*tch. I suspect you’re the troll(s) that like to go on threads just to stir things ups and piss people off. Give it a rest!