Reply to How awful would it be if my DD didn't attend her dad's wedding?

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Reply to "How awful would it be if my DD didn't attend her dad's wedding?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t get how people are reading OPs post and thinking that it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her to drop her THREE YEAR OLD off at a weeknight wedding at 7:30pm, leave her there with strangers (because her dad will be busy) and pick her up an hour later, then put the over tired toddler to bed, and get a cranky, over tired toddler up in the morning at her normal weekday wake up time in order to get to day care and work on time.  Do you know any actual three year olds?? There’s no way in hell I would do it.  If ExH wants her there that badly, he needs to make ALLLL the arrangements.[/quote]

This. I think it’d be good for the kid to attend but it’s not OP’s job to facilitate it. [/quote]

Unfortunately, the father's idea of facilitating the child being there involves having the child watched by someone that she does not know (yes, her own grandmother is a stranger to her which is very sad).  Not acceptable.

[/quote]

I have a mentally ill ex who remarried and requested our kids presence at his wedding, so all your problems are familiar to me even though my kids are much older (MS).

The thing about being in a situation with such a narcissistic or mentally ill ex partner is that you cannot have a rational conversation about what's best for your child without everything being an attack on him as a "bad dad" which makes him want to insist even more on his way.

I would say that you'd be happy to have DC attend the reception for an hour or so and that you will have a babysitter bring DC to the venue.  Say that you are happy to have Grandma watch the child, but you also want the babysitter to stay because it's a lot of work to keep track of a little one and you want someone else to be there to support Grandma so she can also enjoy the reception.  Babysitter can take care of unexpected problems like -- what if she has a potty accident? etc.  I'd also frame the limited time span as -- I know you really want DC to come, and I'm happy to have her there but she gets tired and cranky after her bedtime and it would be terrible if that happened at your party, plus you and your wife and family deserve to have some time with extended family whom you rarely see.

It's up to you whether you want to hire someone DC knows well but might be younger (and not as able to navigate sticky social situations?) or someone older that maybe DC doesn't know as well who is a friend or babysitter (but who could maybe also drive to the venue?)

You will be able to get what you want by framing yourself as being cooperative and helping exDH.  If you frame it as what is best for the child, you will get major pushback from your ex because it implies he doesn't know what's best for the child.  If she's not there, you will feed his flame (and the family flame) about how you are a horrible woman who  is preventing a loving dad from spending time with DD.  While I'm sure you don't give a flying F what other people think (and nor should you in some ways), it will be easier in the long run if you appear to be at least minimally compliant (and to prevent any future custody challenges you should always appear cooperative.  I tend to rarely say "no" but often say, "not that but this".

FWIW, my kids went to DH's wedding, and all they remember is how incredibly drunk all the adults were.  That turned out to be a useful eye opener at just the right age about the dangers of drinking and how uncool it is to be trashed.   Other than that the kids left the wedding with a sense that their dad and new stepmom paid very little attention to them.  They spent a lot of time with their similar age cousins, which was a good memory, as well as photos of them very dressed up.  At age 3, your DD may end up with some photos of herself with other family.  That's not a bad thing.  Other than that, she probably won't remember much.

Whatever you do, please don't appear yourself at the reception nor stay at the hotel bar while the reception is going on.  Even if I had to drive and sit in an empty parking lot nearby, that's preferable to being at the wedding reception.  That feeds a whole different narrative about how you are a jealous and uncooperative ex-wife.  While you rightfully understand that your ex depends on the "good dad" narrative to bond him to new wife and keep him good standing publicly, you seem to be missing how he also achieves the same goals when you feed the "jealous ex-wife" image (as many on this thread are falling for). [/quote]

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