How awful would it be if my DD didn't attend her dad's wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not leave my three year old with an unfamiliar caretaker at an unfamiliar noisy, large event. Kids often get upset in situations like that and a 3yo at a wedding is a handful under the best of circumstances.

Exactly. I don't think other posters have fully realized the implications here.

[Anonymous]

The fact that it is on a weeknight would cause me to say no under the circumstances you describe. For a weekend wedding, or daytime wedding, I'd absolutely do it.

[Anonymous]

This is really weird. DD is not invited to the ceremony and only to the late evening reception? And her attendance is so low priority to her dad that he was unwilling to switch his visitation day to his wedding day? The latter in and of itself would give me pause about how much time and attention his new MIL will pay DD, since she apparently doesn't want to be too distracted by her.

I don't know. I'd usually advocate for the encumbering the inconvenience for the sake of your DD's future happiness in seeing pictures of herself at this wedding. But your XH seems so uninterested in her attendance that I think the odds of this being anything other than a lot of bother for 1-2 photos seems low. I agree with a PP who said at most just take her for 15 min of photos...but I also think that in this case it might just be fine not to go. It would make way more sense for her to attend as a flower girl than as a guest to a late reception.

[Anonymous]

It seems weird that he would not just invite you to stay with her at the reception for an hour, given that you say you guys don't have a bad relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if she didn't go to your wedding? That's a pretty horrible and selfish thing for you do do.

Gonna go out on a limb here and guess OP won’t need XH to bend over backwards and will have made a coherent wedding day childcare plan

Sounds like there is a coherent wedding day childcare plan - the new stepmother’s mom. If this wedding fell during his time OP would have no control over this, so the real issue is the small inconvenience to OP. It really does seem like a small concession to make for people who are going to be in her DD’s life regardless of how she feels about it. Plus, she was wife#3 for this loser (huge red flag) and is now acting morally superior.

Well actually I was wife #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really weird. DD is not invited to the ceremony and only to the late evening reception? And her attendance is so low priority to her dad that he was unwilling to switch his visitation day to his wedding day? The latter in and of itself would give me pause about how much time and attention his new MIL will pay DD, since she apparently doesn't want to be too distracted by her.

I don't know. I'd usually advocate for the encumbering the inconvenience for the sake of your DD's future happiness in seeing pictures of herself at this wedding. But your XH seems so uninterested in her attendance that I think the odds of this being anything other than a lot of bother for 1-2 photos seems low. I agree with a PP who said at most just take her for 15 min of photos...but I also think that in this case it might just be fine not to go. It would make way more sense for her to attend as a flower girl than as a guest to a late reception.

He probably gets very little visitation time. How hard is it for mom to allow an extra hour? She will not care now, but she may later on.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be invited as the mom to the wedding. You can manage dd an let her show up in pics. Then you leave before reception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if she didn't go to your wedding? That's a pretty horrible and selfish thing for you do do.

Gonna go out on a limb here and guess OP won’t need XH to bend over backwards and will have made a coherent wedding day childcare plan

Sounds like there is a coherent wedding day childcare plan - the new stepmother’s mom. If this wedding fell during his time OP would have no control over this, so the real issue is the small inconvenience to OP. It really does seem like a small concession to make for people who are going to be in her DD’s life regardless of how she feels about it. Plus, she was wife#3 for this loser (huge red flag) and is now acting morally superior.

Well actually I was wife #2.

Were you still pregnant when he started seeing wife #3, or was the divorce your push present?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if she didn't go to your wedding? That's a pretty horrible and selfish thing for you do do.

Gonna go out on a limb here and guess OP won’t need XH to bend over backwards and will have made a coherent wedding day childcare plan

Uh, he did make a childcare plan.

No, he didn’t. He didn’t plan for picking up DD, getting her to bed at a reasonable hour, and off to school the next day or else back to mom’s house. Thus the word “coherent.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really weird. DD is not invited to the ceremony and only to the late evening reception? And her attendance is so low priority to her dad that he was unwilling to switch his visitation day to his wedding day? The latter in and of itself would give me pause about how much time and attention his new MIL will pay DD, since she apparently doesn't want to be too distracted by her.

I don't know. I'd usually advocate for the encumbering the inconvenience for the sake of your DD's future happiness in seeing pictures of herself at this wedding. But your XH seems so uninterested in her attendance that I think the odds of this being anything other than a lot of bother for 1-2 photos seems low. I agree with a PP who said at most just take her for 15 min of photos...but I also think that in this case it might just be fine not to go. It would make way more sense for her to attend as a flower girl than as a guest to a late reception.

He probably gets very little visitation time. How hard is it for mom to allow an extra hour? She will not care now, but she may later on.

It seems like a lot of hassle for OP, and nothing suggests that this is about her being stingy with extra visitation. It just seems that her XH doesn't want DD there for anything other than a bit of a photo op...and is expecting OP to undergo a hassle for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really weird. DD is not invited to the ceremony and only to the late evening reception? And her attendance is so low priority to her dad that he was unwilling to switch his visitation day to his wedding day? The latter in and of itself would give me pause about how much time and attention his new MIL will pay DD, since she apparently doesn't want to be too distracted by her.

I don't know. I'd usually advocate for the encumbering the inconvenience for the sake of your DD's future happiness in seeing pictures of herself at this wedding. But your XH seems so uninterested in her attendance that I think the odds of this being anything other than a lot of bother for 1-2 photos seems low. I agree with a PP who said at most just take her for 15 min of photos...but I also think that in this case it might just be fine not to go. It would make way more sense for her to attend as a flower girl than as a guest to a late reception.

He probably gets very little visitation time. How hard is it for mom to allow an extra hour? She will not care now, but she may later on.

It seems like a lot of hassle for OP, and nothing suggests that this is about her being stingy with extra visitation. It just seems that her XH doesn't want DD there for anything other than a bit of a photo op...and is expecting OP to undergo a hassle for it.

So, you humor him for an hour. Why is that so hard? its a one time thing. Yes, she does sound stingy with visitation.

[Anonymous]

It’s so weird that she’s not a flower girl or some part of the ceremony.

It’s weird he would not ask you to attend the reception with her.

But this guy obviously does not make good decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you ask him what his childcare plans for her are during the event? If his response is that someone normal (a friend or relative that you know) will be watching her, hang out and take her home at 8:30. If his response is that he has no idea, say you think it won't work out unless he can arrange for someone to be responsible for her.

This. It’s not your job to figure out logistics for HIS wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this isn’t your problem. Tell him he can have her all night and arrange for childcare/daycare drop off or not at all.

I was at my dad’s second wedding at age 3. It’s a happy memory. But my mom sure as f*** wasn’t chilling in a hotel bar. My dad and stepmom arranged for me.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you are being b****y or unreasonable, If I were in your shoes I wouldn't send DD to his wedding. He clearly doesn't care enough to have her there otherwise he would have made plans to ensure she could attend.

Does he have any other children? Where are wives #1 & #3?