Rich sister, poor sister

[Anonymous]

OP you are in quite the situation. I know because I’m in the same one. My sister married a poor, uneducated immigrant (to give him citizenship). He has 5 children 4 are SN development delayed. They live a life of poverty and this an other have caused drinking problems.
I get demands for money all the time. The gratitude is not there — human nature. People don’t love you for supporting them they actually resent it! The finances of maintaining his family — they are not her kids— would be enormous if I set out to do that.
So your sister has 4 kids and would like you to foot the bill for private? Don’t even think about it!
One thing to bear in mind: none of us knows exactly what the future holds. You don’t know when or if your fortunes might change. And don’t think for a minute your sis will be there for you! Tend your own garden and let her tend hers.

[Anonymous]

We pay the tuition for my brother's children. We are in the DMV. I had to go to their school's site right now to look it up but it appears as though the tuition that we paid this year was $37,500 each plus probably another $1,000 for fees. We also pay for after care, which is additional.

This isn't about how you feel about your sister, OP. If that's what you think then you're missing the point. This is how you feel about your nieces and nephews. We love our brother's children. We don't have a lot of respect for how their parents are raising them and the choices their parents make so this is our way of helping the children to succeed despite their parents.

You sound pretty immature from your post and you definitely have some baggage. I think that the reason why you're the black sheep is not because you said "no" but likely HOW you said "no." Consider that your apparent disdain for your sister is apparent to others and that they are reacting to your attitude not your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made the right decision, OP. Once you open your wallet to pay for a big discretionary expense like private school, you will be hit up again and again. We did the same with DH’s folks and then they asked us to help with his younger sister’s expenses. Another thing you realize is that the appreciation doesn’t last long. The minute you stop paying or refuse the next request, you will be resented and criticized. Might as well save your money until there is a real emergency that you can help with. Welcome to the Order of the Black Sheep!

THIS x 100

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn’t help because she felt entitled to your money that you earned and I don’t entertain nonsense like that. I would not be guilted into it either. Your other family members can help it is so very important to them. Their money is what they can spend not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pay the tuition for my brother's children. We are in the DMV. I had to go to their school's site right now to look it up but it appears as though the tuition that we paid this year was $37,500 each plus probably another $1,000 for fees. We also pay for after care, which is additional.

This isn't about how you feel about your sister, OP. If that's what you think then you're missing the point. This is how you feel about your nieces and nephews. We love our brother's children. We don't have a lot of respect for how their parents are raising them and the choices their parents make so this is our way of helping the children to succeed despite their parents.

You sound pretty immature from your post and you definitely have some baggage. I think that the reason why you're the black sheep is not because you said "no" but likely HOW you said "no." Consider that your apparent disdain for your sister is apparent to others and that they are reacting to your attitude not your actions.

Ignore this idiotic person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I are from an upper-middle class family. We were given the same opportunities. However, we were always very different, despite a 1.5 year difference (I am the youngest). She chose to get married very young and drop out of college sophomore year. I chose to pursue college education, then grad school. I have a good job. She lives paycheck to paycheck. She had 4 kids young, I only have 1 child. Our parents have been financially supporting her family for well over a decade. They have no savings. They've declared bankruptcy before, their house was almost foreclosed too.

Recently she has been saying how she wants her kids to have the same advantages as my son like vacations in Europe, overnight summer camps. She asked me point blank to help with tuition for her 2 oldest kids who she wants to send to a private school and I said no. She is an able bodied woman, her husband is an able bodied man, they live in an area with good public schools. It is not my fault that her husband cannot hold a job, that he gets fired a lot. I also find it terrible that our parents, who are in their mid70s! financially support her.

I am now a black sheep in my family because I said no to her. Our other siblings, whom she has also hit for money, are all aghast "well, is it that hard for you to help her? You only have 1 child!"

Would you have helped her?

You are already giving her a lot, you just don’t know it,.,,.....she is draining any inheritance you will get from your parents. You never know if your parents don’t say no to her, they could have health problems later and need medical care that you may have to pay for.

+1
Yes, I’m wondering about who is going to support your parents, OP, if they run out of money and/or have significant medical expenses. Do you know how much money they have left? Sounds like you have other siblings who could help your parents, and not just you? How much money have your parents given your S and BIL? You could always respond, “Larlo has advantages instead of siblings; that’s our trade-off. Your kids are lucky to have each other!” How much money are your other siblings giving her?

I’m curious about how much money you make, and how much money does she want for private school tuition? What happens when the kids are in private school and need money for all the extras that can crop up? Where does she live? What’s her college plan for them? It sounds like you aren’t a fan of hers, don’t feel close to her kids, resent her husband, and don’t want to give her money for things that aren’t essential or emergencies. Totally reasonable. She will feel resentful, but that’s her problem. Are you close with your parents and other siblings? What does your DH say about it all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pay the tuition for my brother's children. We are in the DMV. I had to go to their school's site right now to look it up but it appears as though the tuition that we paid this year was $37,500 each plus probably another $1,000 for fees. We also pay for after care, which is additional.

This isn't about how you feel about your sister, OP. If that's what you think then you're missing the point. This is how you feel about your nieces and nephews. We love our brother's children. We don't have a lot of respect for how their parents are raising them and the choices their parents make so this is our way of helping the children to succeed despite their parents.

You sound pretty immature from your post and you definitely have some baggage. I think that the reason why you're the black sheep is not because you said "no" but likely HOW you said "no." Consider that your apparent disdain for your sister is apparent to others and that they are reacting to your attitude not your actions.

It sounds like her parents and sister are demanding money as if it’s something they are owed.

Also, it seems like your HHI is much, much higher than OPs if you can afford to spend 40K/per niece or nephew and you have so much money you don’t even keep track.

It sounds like OP has built a comfortable life for herself and can afford trips to Europe, retirement savings and private school easily. That is very different than having an extra 160K/year (40k X 4 kids) that she wouldn’t notice missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay the tuition for my brother's children. We are in the DMV. I had to go to their school's site right now to look it up but it appears as though the tuition that we paid this year was $37,500 each plus probably another $1,000 for fees. We also pay for after care, which is additional.

This isn't about how you feel about your sister, OP. If that's what you think then you're missing the point. This is how you feel about your nieces and nephews. We love our brother's children. We don't have a lot of respect for how their parents are raising them and the choices their parents make so this is our way of helping the children to succeed despite their parents.

You sound pretty immature from your post and you definitely have some baggage. I think that the reason why you're the black sheep is not because you said "no" but likely HOW you said "no." Consider that your apparent disdain for your sister is apparent to others and that they are reacting to your attitude not your actions.

Ignore this idiotic person.

Why do they need to go to private school? There are plenty of good schools around here. You pay $80k (or $120k?) per year? That suggests that you are very, very rich. Do you have children of your own? Are their college and grad school accounts fully-funded? It’s really nice that you’re helping the kids, but OP doesn’t want to. And her sister’s kids can go to the good public schools for free; it’s not like we’re talking about keeping them from becoming homeless.

[Anonymous]

9:45 again. I meant to add that it’s so easy to spend other people’s money, and that’s what OP’s sister wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pay the tuition for my brother's children. We are in the DMV. I had to go to their school's site right now to look it up but it appears as though the tuition that we paid this year was $37,500 each plus probably another $1,000 for fees. We also pay for after care, which is additional.

This isn't about how you feel about your sister, OP. If that's what you think then you're missing the point. This is how you feel about your nieces and nephews. We love our brother's children. We don't have a lot of respect for how their parents are raising them and the choices their parents make so this is our way of helping the children to succeed despite their parents.

You sound pretty immature from your post and you definitely have some baggage. I think that the reason why you're the black sheep is not because you said "no" but likely HOW you said "no." Consider that your apparent disdain for your sister is apparent to others and that they are reacting to your attitude not your actions.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, it is a low class "thing" to ask/accept money from siblings. Parents, ok. Siblings, no. The ideal of an inheritance, from parents if available, sometimes given during their lifetime is normal. Siblings asking/wanting money is not normal.

[Anonymous]

I bet OP votes Republican

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet OP votes Republican

Well I'm a hard liberal and I've voted for democrats in Every.Single.Election. and would never indulge my entitled sister to private school for her children. There are the desperately poor among us, and then there are people zoned for Langley who think they deserve the Potomac School. Understand the difference.

[Anonymous]

I am the poor sister in this situation, though I did go to college and I only have 2 kids and I am pretty thrifty so I havent declared bankrupt or anything. I would never ask my sister for such a thing, i don't even ask her for necessities. My parents help with giving like 800 bucks per year when I ask for an emergency situation. Otherwise I make due and apply for assistance when needed such as energy assistance and WIC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I are from an upper-middle class family. We were given the same opportunities. However, we were always very different, despite a 1.5 year difference (I am the youngest). She chose to get married very young and drop out of college sophomore year. I chose to pursue college education, then grad school. I have a good job. She lives paycheck to paycheck. She had 4 kids young, I only have 1 child. Our parents have been financially supporting her family for well over a decade. They have no savings. They've declared bankruptcy before, their house was almost foreclosed too.

Recently she has been saying how she wants her kids to have the same advantages as my son like vacations in Europe, overnight summer camps. She asked me point blank to help with tuition for her 2 oldest kids who she wants to send to a private school and I said no. She is an able bodied woman, her husband is an able bodied man, they live in an area with good public schools. It is not my fault that her husband cannot hold a job, that he gets fired a lot. I also find it terrible that our parents, who are in their mid70s! financially support her.

I am now a black sheep in my family because I said no to her. Our other siblings, whom she has also hit for money, are all aghast "well, is it that hard for you to help her? You only have 1 child!"

Would you have helped her?

No. Maybe your sister hides her assets, for all you know OP. I know someone like this who filed for bankruptcy, but they hid everything they stole from other family members. Takers only know how to take.