Healthy wealthy local grandparents not interested

[Anonymous]

I have three kids and I don’t recall any of my friends asking what the grandparents are doing to “help out.” How does this even come up in conversation?

My kids have never spent an overnight with either set of grandparents and it would never even occur to me to ask them to do such a thing. They are my and my spouse’s kids and we do the work to take care of them. Our parents raised us without expecting their parents to do their work for them and we have been doing the same.

My parents spent a good deal of time taking care of their elderly parents before they died, and my spouse and I will do the same for them when the time comes. They won’t have to do our work for us so that we will eventually take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and I don’t recall any of my friends asking what the grandparents are doing to “help out.” How does this even come up in conversation?

My kids have never spent an overnight with either set of grandparents and it would never even occur to me to ask them to do such a thing. They are my and my spouse’s kids and we do the work to take care of them. Our parents raised us without expecting their parents to do their work for them and we have been doing the same.

My parents spent a good deal of time taking care of their elderly parents before they died, and my spouse and I will do the same for them when the time comes. They won’t have to do our work for us so that we will eventually take care of them.

OP here. An example:

Friend: Are you going to the PTO meeting tonight?
Me: No, A has soccer practice.
Friend: Can’t your inlaws take her?

Or BTSN or book club or whatever. Yes, I know I can get a sitter. Yes I know they don’t owe me $hit. But a lot of people I know do have this setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Equating time spent babysitting with their value as Grandparents is whack

Op here. They don’t show any interest when we are all together either.

[Anonymous]

Geez, OP, just stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will probably be this type of grandparent. We like our freedom and don't enjoy kids. We only like our kids.

So you like your kids but your future grandkids not so much because why? Sincerely curious since they are going to be related to you and all. They won’t be some random children so why not invest a little in them as well? Call me crazy for suggesting such a thought...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I stated in the OP of course they don’t “owe” me, but most of my friends have 3+ kids and local grandparents help a ton, like driving to sports practices or keeping the younger while the older has an activity, etc. My friends all assume my inlaws are the same and they are not. How do I put an end to the questions without just saying “my inlaws don’t really help.”

My own mother (now deceased) lives in my hometown but would absolutely have been like my friends parents. Feel sorry for my kids - they got a dead grandma and a dud grandma. Some kids get two awesome grandmas. It’s sad.

Tell your friends directly that your in laws don’t help. No need to hide it or feel ashamed. Everyone assumes that my in laws or my mom help with the kids and then I explain that we have an au pair because my mom is too frail, my in laws get too frazzled and my sister has her own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and I don’t recall any of my friends asking what the grandparents are doing to “help out.” How does this even come up in conversation?

My kids have never spent an overnight with either set of grandparents and it would never even occur to me to ask them to do such a thing. They are my and my spouse’s kids and we do the work to take care of them. Our parents raised us without expecting their parents to do their work for them and we have been doing the same.

My parents spent a good deal of time taking care of their elderly parents before they died, and my spouse and I will do the same for them when the time comes. They won’t have to do our work for us so that we will eventually take care of them.

OP here. An example:

Friend: Are you going to the PTO meeting tonight?
Me: No, A has soccer practice.
Friend: Can’t your inlaws take her?

Or BTSN or book club or whatever. Yes, I know I can get a sitter. Yes I know they don’t owe me $hit. But a lot of people I know do have this setup.

Me: No they are busy. Perhaps my husband can take A to soccer practice and I can go to the PTO meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and I don’t recall any of my friends asking what the grandparents are doing to “help out.” How does this even come up in conversation?

My kids have never spent an overnight with either set of grandparents and it would never even occur to me to ask them to do such a thing. They are my and my spouse’s kids and we do the work to take care of them. Our parents raised us without expecting their parents to do their work for them and we have been doing the same.

My parents spent a good deal of time taking care of their elderly parents before they died, and my spouse and I will do the same for them when the time comes. They won’t have to do our work for us so that we will eventually take care of them.

OP here. An example:

Friend: Are you going to the PTO meeting tonight?
Me: No, A has soccer practice.
Friend: Can’t your inlaws take her?

Or BTSN or book club or whatever. Yes, I know I can get a sitter. Yes I know they don’t owe me $hit. But a lot of people I know do have this setup.

Maybe your in laws don’t want to take the kids because you’ve raised entitled brats just like yourself. And why would you compare yourself with other people? Just because your friends have this childcare setup doesn’t mean you will or should. Why would you bring up ILs wealth? Your kids are observing and learning your behavior and are going to treat you like absolute crap later, and you have no idea. That’s what’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell the friends the grandparents aren't interested in lots of kid time, and while they care about the kids you get no help from them, and leave it at that.

That is not true; she said they help out 3-4 times a year.

OP, your expectations are way out of line. No wonder your in-laws son't do more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and I don’t recall any of my friends asking what the grandparents are doing to “help out.” How does this even come up in conversation?

My kids have never spent an overnight with either set of grandparents and it would never even occur to me to ask them to do such a thing. They are my and my spouse’s kids and we do the work to take care of them. Our parents raised us without expecting their parents to do their work for them and we have been doing the same.

My parents spent a good deal of time taking care of their elderly parents before they died, and my spouse and I will do the same for them when the time comes. They won’t have to do our work for us so that we will eventually take care of them.

OP here. An example:

Friend: Are you going to the PTO meeting tonight?
Me: No, A has soccer practice.
Friend: Can’t your inlaws take her?

Or BTSN or book club or whatever. Yes, I know I can get a sitter. Yes I know they don’t owe me $hit. But a lot of people I know do have this setup.

No one I know does and I have 4 kids so know a ton of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and I don’t recall any of my friends asking what the grandparents are doing to “help out.” How does this even come up in conversation?

My kids have never spent an overnight with either set of grandparents and it would never even occur to me to ask them to do such a thing. They are my and my spouse’s kids and we do the work to take care of them. Our parents raised us without expecting their parents to do their work for them and we have been doing the same.

My parents spent a good deal of time taking care of their elderly parents before they died, and my spouse and I will do the same for them when the time comes. They won’t have to do our work for us so that we will eventually take care of them.

OP here. An example:

Friend: Are you going to the PTO meeting tonight?
Me: No, A has soccer practice.
Friend: Can’t your inlaws take her?

Or BTSN or book club or whatever. Yes, I know I can get a sitter. Yes I know they don’t owe me $hit. But a lot of people I know do have this setup.

'No, they are not at my beck and call'. or more politely,' No, they are busy. '

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need an au pair real bad.

[Anonymous]

I think OP must be Mormon or married into an immigrant community or something and she’s feeling that this is a cultural sticking point but I still think she should suck it up.

[Anonymous]

It's clear that OP doesn't like her in-laws, and views them only in transactional terms. No wonder they don't want to spend a lot of time with her. And it's not like OP is especially grateful for what they do for her--it's not enough, so she's not happy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!