Healthy wealthy local grandparents not interested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I stated in the OP of course they don’t “owe” me, but most of my friends have 3+ kids and local grandparents help a ton, like driving to sports practices or keeping the younger while the older has an activity, etc. My friends all assume my inlaws are the same and they are not. How do I put an end to the questions without just saying “my inlaws don’t really help.”

My own mother (now deceased) lives in my hometown but would absolutely have been like my friends parents. Feel sorry for my kids - they got a dead grandma and a dud grandma. Some kids get two awesome grandmas. It’s sad.

Why not be honest? Are you concerned that people will feel sorry for you or that they'll disapprove of your ILs? Yes, it would be awkward to be honest about this but it would put an end to those comments that are making you uncomfortable. So sorry you're not getting more help, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

How do you know this? Are you actively discussing how FIL is a "dud" and they "suck" with your SIL - while still accepting your in laws' offer of four overnights a year?

Yes, my SIL and I are good friends and we discuss her parents honestly. She makes her feelings known and understands my feelings. She has the “do anything” type of inlaws and is extremely grateful. She apologizes to me on her parents behalf.

OP, you are complaining about four overnights per year? You need to either make more friends, stay home, or hire a sitter like the rest of us. MIL would watch SILs (2 of them) kids (4 of them) multiple times per week, plus week or two vacations (plural) during the year. MIL either thought we didn't know, or didn't care, because that is the kind of person she is. Frankly, we would not have wanted someone like that watching our kids, because if she did, she would be watching television or reading the paper the entire time, ignoring our children. To be honest, she didn't do such a great job the first time around.

And stop counting other people's pennies.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say “my in-laws don’t help with the kids”. What’s the big deal, it’s the truth.

You can say “My in-laws aren’t interested in the kids day to day lives. You’re so lucky to have involved grandparents- it sounds like such a blessing!”

Keep it short and turn it around on them. Say things like “You’re so fortunate to have so much help from your mom!” Whenever they ask why don’t you can say you’re not as lucky as they are. I bet they’ll stop pressing.

[Anonymous]

Strange that your only question is what to tell friends. Tell them the inlaws are pretty busy and don't help out. Don't make it a thing- if you look all sad and moony they will sense a story and ask for details. I bet that's what's happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say “my in-laws don’t help with the kids”. What’s the big deal, it’s the truth.

You can say “My in-laws aren’t interested in the kids day to day lives. You’re so lucky to have involved grandparents- it sounds like such a blessing!”

Keep it short and turn it around on them. Say things like “You’re so fortunate to have so much help from your mom!” Whenever they ask why don’t you can say you’re not as lucky as they are. I bet they’ll stop pressing.

+1

OP, you want to say, "wow, glad you don't have selfish parents like my in laws!" You don't have to, people will figure that out themselves. My good friend has in laws that would rather travel the world than drive down the street to see their small grandchildren. Guess what? The grandchildren are getting older and will judge for themselves. Some grandparents think that as long as they have their daughter's children taken care of, having baby-sat tirelessly for them, then they "did their job". But, it tells you what kind of parents they were - terrible. People aren't stupid. You don't have to spell it out for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say “my in-laws don’t help with the kids”. What’s the big deal, it’s the truth.

You can say “My in-laws aren’t interested in the kids day to day lives. You’re so lucky to have involved grandparents- it sounds like such a blessing!”

Keep it short and turn it around on them. Say things like “You’re so fortunate to have so much help from your mom!” Whenever they ask why don’t you can say you’re not as lucky as they are. I bet they’ll stop pressing.

+1

OP, you want to say, "wow, glad you don't have selfish parents like my in laws!" You don't have to, people will figure that out themselves. My good friend has in laws that would rather travel the world than drive down the street to see their small grandchildren. Guess what? The grandchildren are getting older and will judge for themselves. Some grandparents think that as long as they have their daughter's children taken care of, having baby-sat tirelessly for them, then they "did their job". But, it tells you what kind of parents they were - terrible. People aren't stupid. You don't have to spell it out for them.

OP here. You are right, and I think people are figuring it out. Another common one I hear is “I didn’t know your inlaws live here!” In my head I’m like, well yeah it’s hard to tell.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the reason DH’s grandparents were so involved with him and his parents are so not involved with his kids is that they just inherently don’t “do” children well. Some people just don’t. Do you want you kids with people who don’t enjoy being with them? Their genetic ties doesn’t make an automatic emotional relationship.

My in-laws live 20 mins away. They try; they really do. But they are just different than what I’m used to in my warm, fuzzy family. My children have never spent the night there. They have never volunteered to babysit and I feel uncomfortable asking. DH will ask them maybe twice a year if we have something we both really have to go to. My MIL once invited my oldest out on a “special day.” They went shopping at a high-end grocery market, ate lunch there, and then went to Macy’s to buy towels. My son was 6. She just doesn’t get it. I stopped wishing for what I want their relationship to look like because it’s not even that they don’t want to have that relationship, I honestly think they don’t know how to have it. But we go out to dinner together a lot and DH checks in with them by phone very often. That seems to satisfy everyone.

I think your friends are mighty presumptuous. What if your kids grandparents had health issues or disabilities? Would they judge their absence as harshly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the reason DH’s grandparents were so involved with him and his parents are so not involved with his kids is that they just inherently don’t “do” children well. Some people just don’t. Do you want you kids with people who don’t enjoy being with them? Their genetic ties doesn’t make an automatic emotional relationship.

My in-laws live 20 mins away. They try; they really do. But they are just different than what I’m used to in my warm, fuzzy family. My children have never spent the night there. They have never volunteered to babysit and I feel uncomfortable asking. DH will ask them maybe twice a year if we have something we both really have to go to. My MIL once invited my oldest out on a “special day.” They went shopping at a high-end grocery market, ate lunch there, and then went to Macy’s to buy towels. My son was 6. She just doesn’t get it. I stopped wishing for what I want their relationship to look like because it’s not even that they don’t want to have that relationship, I honestly think they don’t know how to have it. But we go out to dinner together a lot and DH checks in with them by phone very often. That seems to satisfy everyone.

I think your friends are mighty presumptuous. What if your kids grandparents had health issues or disabilities? Would they judge their absence as harshly?

OP here and you are totally right. It’s not that I want to force a relationship with THESE grandparents. It’s that I wish my kids had better, more loving and interested grandparents. But as you said, my kids will figure it out on their own. The oldest already sort of is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the reason DH’s grandparents were so involved with him and his parents are so not involved with his kids is that they just inherently don’t “do” children well. Some people just don’t. Do you want you kids with people who don’t enjoy being with them? Their genetic ties doesn’t make an automatic emotional relationship.

My in-laws live 20 mins away. They try; they really do. But they are just different than what I’m used to in my warm, fuzzy family. My children have never spent the night there. They have never volunteered to babysit and I feel uncomfortable asking. DH will ask them maybe twice a year if we have something we both really have to go to. My MIL once invited my oldest out on a “special day.” They went shopping at a high-end grocery market, ate lunch there, and then went to Macy’s to buy towels. My son was 6. She just doesn’t get it. I stopped wishing for what I want their relationship to look like because it’s not even that they don’t want to have that relationship, I honestly think they don’t know how to have it. But we go out to dinner together a lot and DH checks in with them by phone very often. That seems to satisfy everyone.

I think your friends are mighty presumptuous. What if your kids grandparents had health issues or disabilities? Would they judge their absence as harshly?

OP here and you are totally right. It’s not that I want to force a relationship with THESE grandparents. It’s that I wish my kids had better, more loving and interested grandparents. But as you said, my kids will figure it out on their own. The oldest already sort of is.

Your post made me cry because I feel the exact same way about my parents (who live in NYC). Honestly it is probably better that your kids' grandparents are close by. Otherwise you'd have to use time/money to travel to see them only so they can read the newspaper while you desperately try to keep your kids entertained in their (toy free) living room. Trust me on this one.

[Anonymous]

OP I posted upthread about my in-laws being extremely involved. Today they asked us to co-sign on a new bigger house for them. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Was just reading this thread on the travel forum and wanted to share it as just a random example of what I’m talking about. I have not commented on that thread but multiple posters recommend to the OP that she should just leave her kids with grandparents when she goes on vacation! Like, duh! Of course your kids’ grandparents will keep them for you! This is the pervasive attitude I’m talking about.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/802474.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Was just reading this thread on the travel forum and wanted to share it as just a random example of what I’m talking about. I have not commented on that thread but multiple posters recommend to the OP that she should just leave her kids with grandparents when she goes on vacation! Like, duh! Of course your kids’ grandparents will keep them for you! This is the pervasive attitude I’m talking about.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/802474.page

So from reading the comments here, you know it’s common, but not nearly universal for grandparents to keep kids. And, meanwhile, your in-laws do keep you kids!

I just can’t get it over how self-absorbed and entitled you are, OP. Your in-laws are doing nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Was just reading this thread on the travel forum and wanted to share it as just a random example of what I’m talking about. I have not commented on that thread but multiple posters recommend to the OP that she should just leave her kids with grandparents when she goes on vacation! Like, duh! Of course your kids’ grandparents will keep them for you! This is the pervasive attitude I’m talking about.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/802474.page

Re: the link, no, just no. It was a question about what the grandparents can do, not an assumption. Many of us do not have grandparents that can handle overnights, although some do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say “my in-laws don’t help with the kids”. What’s the big deal, it’s the truth.

You can say “My in-laws aren’t interested in the kids day to day lives. You’re so lucky to have involved grandparents- it sounds like such a blessing!”

Keep it short and turn it around on them. Say things like “You’re so fortunate to have so much help from your mom!” Whenever they ask why don’t you can say you’re not as lucky as they are. I bet they’ll stop pressing.

+1

OP, you want to say, "wow, glad you don't have selfish parents like my in laws!" You don't have to, people will figure that out themselves. My good friend has in laws that would rather travel the world than drive down the street to see their small grandchildren. Guess what? The grandchildren are getting older and will judge for themselves. Some grandparents think that as long as they have their daughter's children taken care of, having baby-sat tirelessly for them, then they "did their job". But, it tells you what kind of parents they were - terrible. People aren't stupid. You don't have to spell it out for them.

OP here. You are right, and I think people are figuring it out. Another common one I hear is “I didn’t know your inlaws live here!” In my head I’m like, well yeah it’s hard to tell.

PP here. You don't really need to say much, the situation generally speaks for itself - it says "yeah, they are a-holes, they have time to travel the world, but not for their small grandchildren down the street", without you having to use those words. Believe me, people generally get it without you having to spell it out for them - it speaks volumes about the ILs as people, and how they treat your innocent children. Bonus, they know your personality, and if you are generally quite easy to get along with, then the matter speaks for itself. In my good friend's case, the MIL is absolutely rigid, selfish and inward - just an impossible person, in general - such that she will only make time for her own daughter's children, who are now grown. My good friend's children are old enough to see what is really happening, so my friend keeps her opinions to herself (always has, she is actually a sweet person), because it is obvious what is really happening. If it were me, I don't think I would have the patience my friend has LOL - she is quite an amazing example. Be like her, take the higher ground. Yes, your MIL is older and should know better and be the better example, but she is not, so just ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Was just reading this thread on the travel forum and wanted to share it as just a random example of what I’m talking about. I have not commented on that thread but multiple posters recommend to the OP that she should just leave her kids with grandparents when she goes on vacation! Like, duh! Of course your kids’ grandparents will keep them for you! This is the pervasive attitude I’m talking about.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/802474.page

Re: the link, no, just no. It was a question about what the grandparents can do, not an assumption. Many of us do not have grandparents that can handle overnights, although some do.

PP again. No, some parents are extremely lucky and take their (own) parents (the grandparents) for granted. I told you about my friend upthread - the SIL used to go on tons of trips and you guessed it, the MIL would stay overnights for at least a week. My friend asked her MIL once (!!) for a close relative's funeral only (two nights) - and it was a disaster. Not worth it, OP. Enjoy your family, like your MIL did not.