Healthy wealthy local grandparents not interested

[Anonymous]

OP - I get that it's disappointing to not feel like life is turning out the way you expected. Your mom was very involved, maybe your grandparents were very involved, but there is just no guarantee that all grandparents feel that way. Your in-laws helps out more than many and I think you should be appreciative of that and not take that for granted. Even if they are "sucky" grandparents, they are all your kids have and please don't poison their relationship. Yes, family helps each other out but that doesn't mean that you get to attend every PTO meeting - it means if you really need them, hopefully they will be there for you.

I also don't think it's healthy for you to keep comparing yourself to your friends. Why wouldn't you just say something like, "My in-laws are busy and babysitting really isn't their thing." You should make arrangements that work for you and stop feeling bitter towards your in-laws or expecting them to change. I'd be more mad at my husband that he could't be bothered to get home for a soccer game if there was something that I wanted to go to than I would be at the grandparents. You DH is your kids' DAD - which comes with pretty specific responsibilities. Grandparents are the fun people or who help out in a real pinch - a PTO meeting is not a "pinch."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

Has your husband talked to them? Have his parents turned down his specific requests to be more involved?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Are you a SAHM? I think your expectations are warped. I don’t have a single friend or acquaintance who is backstopped by grandparents. And why isn’t your FIL a “dud”...you place all the blame on your MIL. You also don’t mention why your Father is not helping out if this is your family custom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

Has your husband talked to them? Have his parents turned down his specific requests to be more involved?

OP here. Yes and yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Are you a SAHM? I think your expectations are warped. I don’t have a single friend or acquaintance who is backstopped by grandparents. And why isn’t your FIL a “dud”...you place all the blame on your MIL. You also don’t mention why your Father is not helping out if this is your family custom.

Not a SAHM. Kids are early elementary. My dad is helpful but lives out of town. And FIL is a dud too - I don’t just blame MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3-4 times a year overnight sounds generous.

Extremely generous. My ILs have not offered anytime and they have made it very clear that they do not want to do any kind of childcare. Infact, I cannot even leave kids with them for a few minutes in another room because the chances are that my kids will become injured because they do not stop the kids from doing anything (climbing the dresser drawers, putting small objects in their mouth etc...).

DH and I have a simple philosophy - its our kids and we are 100% responsible for them 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

Has your husband talked to them? Have his parents turned down his specific requests to be more involved?

OP here. Yes and yes.

DP: OP, you really just have to accept this situation for what it is. You get WAY more than many of us (be thankful the in-laws aren't actively making things harder or in need of financial assistance). Maybe it's harder for your husband than you, but it's their decision.

Seriously, be grateful and then move on.

[Anonymous]

FOUR KIDS overnight ever is a miracle.

My in laws are insanely helpful (one of the kid’s sports practices is exclusively pick up/drop off of my FIL; my MIL does all of the baby’s sick days when he can’t be in daycare) but they won’t take both kids at once longer than an hour.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're way off base. My mom is very involved and helpful, in that she comes over one evening per week to spend time with my kids. This obviously helps me because I can stay later at work or go out to dinner or attend a PTA meeting without dragging my kids along -- but my mom does this because she likes spending time with my kids and she does it on her schedule. She will also take them overnight in a pinch, for example when I have a weekend work trip. This is great and I'm not minimizing it at all, but it's a far cry from expecting or asking her to drive my kids around to activities or babysit one while the other has an activity. Generally speaking, adults don't run errands for other adults unless there is a real need like illness or physical inability. I wouldn't expect that to change just b/c the errand happens to involve one of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

OP-you just answered your own issue. Your IL's, DH's parents, were interested in no children vacations. Couples escape as if the children in the family did not exist. They help overnight a few times per year and on other occasions but do not want to function as au pairs. Another issue which you have not addressed is locations. Drive time between their house and yours?

[Anonymous]

How is 3-4 nights/year not similar to a few week-long cruises over time?

OP, it is pretty self-absorbed to go around deciding what other people should be doing for you and judging them negatively for not indulging you.

With every additional post you write, you sound more entitled, selfish, and unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

OP - I actually understand where you are coming from. Some families are more supportive and some grandparents LIVE for spending time with grandkids and helping out. That is really nice when that is the way it is but you can't manufacture that. As you can see from the majority of reactions you are getting, many families aren't that way.

The part I don't get is why you aren't more annoyed at your friends - it is pretty simple to explain to them - "yeah my inlaws aren't that type of grandparent, I need to line up a different kind of support" If you have said that, and they keep suggesting your inlaws, then it seems like they aren't listening to you. I would be a little annoyed about that.

Also keep in mind with lots of help from relatives usually comes with a fair bit of commentary on parenting style, etc. It is pretty rare to be fully aligned on this, so you are escaping this downside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

Has your husband talked to them? Have his parents turned down his specific requests to be more involved?

OP here. Yes and yes.

Requests to be more involved, or requests to provide babysitting or driving services?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

Has your husband talked to them? Have his parents turned down his specific requests to be more involved?

OP here. Yes and yes.

Requests to be more involved, or requests to provide babysitting or driving services?

We’ve pretty much stopped asking for babysitting. The last time we asked them for a Saturday night (not sleepover) the first time they were “available” was 8 weeks into the future. I can read that loud and clear. As for being invoked, they tell us to let them know whenever things are happening with the kids and we do but they are almost always too busy to attend. Not sure why they bother with the lip service when their priorities are clear. Yet they ask my DH to leave work in the middle of his work day to drive them to the airport!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

How do you know this? Are you actively discussing how FIL is a "dud" and they "suck" with your SIL - while still accepting your in laws' offer of four overnights a year?