Do you know anyone with one kid who wanted just one kid?

[Anonymous]

I know several. And if I had married a different person, I might have been a mom of an only by choice. DH really wanted two, and I was open to 2. I don't regret having two (though I would have regretted a third), and there are pros to having two. But there are lots of things that are so much easier about having just one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that "shoulds" for second kids are so strong that many parents want to stop at one and don't.

Seriously? Who gives a flying fuc% with other people think? I cannot imagine that anyone decides the size of their family based on what others think they should do. I would never respect someone like that. I have two because we both wanted two. I don't have a single friend who has more or less kids than they wanted, other than for reasons due to infertility, death of a child, etc.

This is me. We have one (he's still little, just turned one) but I feel like we *should* have another, and I am trying very hard to weed through my feelings about what I want versus what I think we *should* do. But it has nothing to do with what other people think. It's about what is best for us, our son, and how we'll feel later. Both DH and I have siblings with whom we have great relationships and I want that for our son. I am surprised every day how much I love being a parent (I was on the fence about that for a long time) and would love to be able to have that with another child. But man it would make our lives SO much harder, financially, emotionally, time-wise, you name it. And DH is very content with just one. I'm very afraid of not having a second and regretting it later, which is why I am fighting with the "I should have another" mentality.

[Anonymous]

This is PP above who is struggling with this decision now -
For those of you who reached your decision to just have one with such confidence, how did you go about getting to that point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went into parenting assuming we would have only one child. I always envisioned us as a family of three and found the idea of mother, father, and one child very sweet and special. I still feel this way! When our DS was 2 I got pregnant very unexpectedly (had an IUD) and that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Instead of relief I felt longing. This could have been hormones or a temporary feeling, but I got pregnant again within a few months and now we have DD. Our family is absolutely complete (vasectomy for DH). Of my friends who had their first babies at the same time as I did, my closest friend also assumed they would have an only and ended up with another. Another friend and her DH were absolutely one and done. They are surprisingly both from big, close, families but are super passionate about their careers, have very busy social lives, and just didn't feel like a big family would fit for them. They continue to be very happy with their one daughter, and they're a very fun, outgoing, busy family.

This seems to be key for making a one-child family work. From what I've read (I have a sister, so without personal experience as an only, I read up on what only children think of their childhoods) only children seem to be happier when their parents make sure to cultivate social networks and not just cart them to adult events, as though they're a little adult. That seems to help them not feel isolated.

Then some only children feel pressure being the only person to take care of their aging parents, but on that count I will say that, watching both my parents deal with very old mothers (their fathers passed away a long time ago) and ridiculously annoying/disruptive siblings, I think whether siblings help during that process is totally a toss-up.

I actually like knowing that I’m going to be the only one taking care of my parents. Some siblings get along and equally share in taking care of aging parents. But even in those situations, it’s usually one child who takes on more and that can cause resentment. And there are lots of siblings who don’t get along at all. And trying to navigate that plus deal with aging parents. No thank you! It’s all on me (with DH’s support) and I’m good with that.

+1

I watched my mom deal with my grandmother when she was aging, and her siblings were nearly useless. And I know people whose siblings were worse than useless--not helpful, but critical and interfering. My own sibling will be utterly useless when my parents need help. It's definitely a toss-up as to how helpful it is to have siblings for that, but it likely is in the back of some people's minds and may contribute to the pressure to have more than one.

I know they're anecdotes, but I'll just throw in my parents' situations:

- My mom is taking care of my very sick grandma. Grandpa died a long time ago. Her brother almost certainly has undiagnosed mental illness and his main role in "helping" is to get drunk and call up my grandma to curse her out.

- My dad has 3 sisters and a 101 year old mother. Grandpa died a long time ago. His sisters are absolutely less than useless. Case in point: We found out grandma's doctors inadvertently violated her DNR over the weekend to revive her. My aunts are now trying to figure out how to get a lawyer to help them get around the DNR because they want to keep her alive. One of my aunts is also busy quietly stealing things she wants from grandma's house. The other one routinely calls my dad up and yells at him about his alleged (read: non-existent) efforts to cut her out of the will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is PP above who is struggling with this decision now -
For those of you who reached your decision to just have one with such confidence, how did you go about getting to that point?

So I'll say first off that DH and I don't emotionally want a second kid very much, so I think that made things easier. But really, DH and I sat down and went through everything we want to do as individuals (career-wise and hobbies-wise), as a couple (retirement-wise), as parents (saving for college, having the option of private school, paying for activities), and as a family (travel, for example).

We wrote all of that down. It quickly became abundantly apparent that having one kid would give us the flexibility to do all of that more easily.

Occasionally, DH has said it might be nice to have another kid--particularly as we see how quickly DD is growing up. I usually answer it with, "Ok, imagine we have an infant at this very minute. You know how we relax during DD's nap, or one of us does grocery shopping without worrying about dealing with a toddler too? That wouldn't happen because we'd have an infant on a different sleep schedule. You know that vacation we're planning? Ain't happening if we need to pay for 4 plane tickets." He laughs and says, "You're right! I want my relaxation time and vacations."

[Anonymous]

Me.

Family life is sane and manageable, and we have no desire to add chaos with another child. We could probably have had another one—no trouble conceiving and had a smooth pregnancy—but never really considered trying.

A similar-age cousin lives nearby and is almost like a sibling, but without all the constant sibling rivalry and squabbling. Best of both worlds.

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know with one only wanted one. We had two, and I feel done. If you don't know if you want another, give it some time. I didn't feel like having another until my first was 3.5. Then after I had the second, I knew I didn't want any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is PP above who is struggling with this decision now -
For those of you who reached your decision to just have one with such confidence, how did you go about getting to that point?

A few things—one, before my son I did feel that something was missing. Now I don’t.

When I imagine another child with us, I feel like they are “intruding” into my son’s little life. Silly but the truth.

I don’t feel the obligation of my son having siblings and most reasons to do that come from a place of fear (omg but he’ll be alone!!!) which I just wont make huge life decisions based on.

Those are a few thoughts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:37 here again. I’ve often felt that having an only child is sort of like having it all. We have enough time to be good parents, good spouses, and take care of ourselves as well as have friends. I’m actually not sure why people choose to have more than one so regularly. I am not close with my siblings and neither is my husband.

Same.

I'm an only child and loved it. I'm close to my parents and we by no means feel like less of a fully family. We wanted and have one DC and are very happy with our decision. To be fair, I did not like being pregnant and was not a fan of the newborn phase so that helps stick to our decision to have one. And to answer OP's actual question, I actually do know a few families who are very adamant about having one only.

[Anonymous]

Me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a LOT more families will stop at one in the next generation. It used to be that three was standard, and large families not all that unusual, but now people seem to think even just two is a huge slog, whereas two would have been a tiny family in the past. The natural progression will be that two is too hard, and stopping at one is fine. Affordability will also play in, as it will become literally impossible to go to college and buy a house and save for retirement/college and have more than one child,

I agree with this. I think there are 3 main factors driving families to become smaller:

1. Increasing expenses associated with raising a child and retiring.

2. More women wanting to continue their careers as unabated as possible.

3. Less social pressure to have a large family.

The average American family is already down from 3.7 kids in 1960 to 1.9 kids now. Of course, this is all an issue for population growth, given that the replacement rate is 2.1 kids, but the best thing you can do to combat climate change is to have fewer kids, so I consider that a positive.

I would just add to this list a #4: For better or for worse, there is more of an expectation to engage in "intensive parenting" in recent years--parents are tons more involved than our parents were in the 70s/80s, when kids were much more free-range. There is more of an expectation of a "curated" childhood--from the "right" type of early experiences for toddlers, to enrichment/extracurricular activities, etc. It is more difficult to maintain this level of involvement the more kids you have. I think there are drawbacks to this approach (see: helicopter, lawnmower, and other types of intensive parenting), but this is where we're at as a culture. For two-working parent families in particular, it's difficult to be this involved with multiple kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is PP above who is struggling with this decision now -
For those of you who reached your decision to just have one with such confidence, how did you go about getting to that point?

It was and is a long process. We had a difficult baby and I had PPD so another baby close to our first was very much off the table. When she was around 3 and the idea of another wasn't the worst thing I could ever imagine we checked in with each other neither of us really wanted a second at that point. We continued to check in over the next couple years. We got to the point where I was a no but if it was really important to my DH I could have considered it - my DH ended up in the I don't really feel strongly either way. It didn't seem like we should have another baby when neither of us really wanted it. I have an IUD and am not pushing DH to get a vasectomy so its not like there was ever a firm deadline we had to decide by. Honestly it still comes up occasionally (normally when we're drunk) and DD is 8. I'm in my late 30s so its not outside the realm of possibilities that we could still have another but if anyone asks I tell them the same thing I tell DD when she asks for a baby sister "we're happy with the family we have"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is PP above who is struggling with this decision now -
For those of you who reached your decision to just have one with such confidence, how did you go about getting to that point?

My DH and I talked about / agreed upon this stuff before tying the knot. We both have divorced parents / broken families and so we spent 5 years being engaged, saving money, and discussing life's big value questions. We are/were on the same page on the vast majority of the big things. Never would have married someone if they had wanted more than 1 kid (I wanted zero to 1 kid).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that "shoulds" for second kids are so strong that many parents want to stop at one and don't.

Seriously? Who gives a flying fuc% with other people think? I cannot imagine that anyone decides the size of their family based on what others think they should do. I would never respect someone like that. I have two because we both wanted two. I don't have a single friend who has more or less kids than they wanted, other than for reasons due to infertility, death of a child, etc.

This is me. We have one (he's still little, just turned one) but I feel like we *should* have another, and I am trying very hard to weed through my feelings about what I want versus what I think we *should* do. But it has nothing to do with what other people think. It's about what is best for us, our son, and how we'll feel later. Both DH and I have siblings with whom we have great relationships and I want that for our son. I am surprised every day how much I love being a parent (I was on the fence about that for a long time) and would love to be able to have that with another child. But man it would make our lives SO much harder, financially, emotionally, time-wise, you name it. And DH is very content with just one. I'm very afraid of not having a second and regretting it later, which is why I am fighting with the "I should have another" mentality.

+1. The "should" came from us, not from others.

#2 is now 3 years old.

[Anonymous]

I know one family with an intentional only. They seem very happy... Multiple vacations a year, lots of social events, involved in their own hobbies. If you have more than one I think it becomes mostly about the kids.